The Body Language Rules (4 page)

Smoke

mouth-touch or stick your fingers in your mouth

go quiet or hide Fold your arms

Touch your face or perform a partial face-cover

hunch your shoulders

Stick your hands into your pockets

Avoid eye contact F R O m mO n k e y TO m An 33

cry Jut out your bottom lip or jaw under pressure

Rub your fingers or knuckles over your eyes

Pull your hair over your face

Perform mouth-shrugs instead of smiling

Speak very loudly

Throw tantrums Slam down phones

Use noisy gestures, like punching the desk or

clicking your pen

Run your hands through your hair

Scratch or pat the top of your head

Purse your lips

Stare

AdulT BodyTAlk Once your frontal lobes started to develop you learned to share and use empathy, and you also started to be less self-obsessed and more tuned in to the wants and needs of others . You began to be strategic in your behavior, too, looking at long-term results rather than just living in the here and now .

Currently your behavioral choices are governed by three key factors or "voices":

1 . your instinctive voice or your inner ape . This voice will

steer you toward instant gratification rewards, for 34 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

example, I want, I get, and to hell with the conse-

quences! This is your inner warrior or your inner

wimp, depending on the situation . It thinks quickly

and it acts even faster . You might think you've

contained it but it has a habit of leaking out via

some of your smaller but deadlier body language

signals, letting other people know how you're

really feeling .

2 . your social voice or your inner diplomat . This is your adult

voice, the one that thinks long-term and thinks

empathetically . It knows the difference between

short- and long-term gain in a situation and it

will steer you toward the latter . In body language

terms it is the supreme masker, hiding all those

instinctive gestures like snarling, scowling, sulking,

and staring, and replacing them with a sunny smile

and a stiff upper lip .

3 . your logical voice . This is your inner computer,

churning out facts and figures and clear thinking,

that bypasses emotions and sticks to the detail

instead . In some people this voice is an underper-

former, but in others it sits center stage, creating

low levels of body language activity and high levels

of android-style movement .

Your instinctive voice shouts quickest and loudest but--often purely for personal survival--you've learned F R O m mO n k e y TO m An 35

to temper it and to mask its nonverbal signals . What this means is that your body language is a bit of a mongrel, the result of all three voices trying to be heard at the same time .

Let's take an over-the-counter scenario . You work in a shop and you're facing the customer from hell . They're demanding and rude and they've just asked to try on their sixteenth pair of shoes . Your inner ape is telling you to stick that pair of shoes where the sun don't shine, but your social inner diplomat is explaining that he is just a careful shopper who is suffering from stress because he has had a hard week . He doesn't mean to be rude, he's just taking it out on the nearest person around . Meanwhile your logical voice is informing you in a very patient tone that smacking this customer's face will create a scenario involving a firing and probably the police . It's reminding you about your mortgage and the need to keep this job to ensure you have a roof over your head .

Now, rewind the scene . These voices are in your head . But what's going on with your body language as a result?

Well, your social voice has slapped a smile on your face to make you look customer-friendly . However, your inner ape has made that smile just a bit too rigid . The lips are pulled back in a grimace, which is a signal of attack rather than affection . Your social voice makes you nod while you listen to the customer's complaints, but your instinctive ape has turned your hands into white-knuckled fists and 36 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

your teeth are clenched so hard you can hardly get the words "no problem" out .

Without even realizing it, the customer from hell edits these mixed messages and--without even under- standing the complicated process being used--deletes all the empathetic signals on display, only reacting to the ape-warrior ones . They accelerate their own aggressive displays or they storm across to report you to the manager .

key PoinTs:

� Body language accounts for over half the perceived impact of your

communication .

� Body language has a higher credibility rating than your words--if

your words and your gestures send out mixed messages, it's the

body language that the listener will believe .

� Body language isn't a precise science--each gesture can have many

meanings .

� You're already a bit of an expert on body language--you've been

doing it since you were fifteen minutes old .

� Much of your body language is affected by your inner child and

your inner ape!

P RACT iCAl

B ody

lA ngu Age

T

he following chapters are all about you and about

maximizing your image to create success in your life . We're going to look at general tips and training here while specific situations and scenarios will come later in the book .

This is going to take some effort on your part . I hope you don't mind . No pain, no gain, as they say . We're going to have fun and we'll have a few fights but I promise you the effort will be worth it . 38 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

The first physical steps you're going to take in this book are all to do with maximizing your own impact by changing your body language "state ." This is where The Body Language Rules stops being just an interesting read and starts to become an exercise manual .

to ma ke your How guage

B ody Lan ou

work for y w

hile it's always fascinating to discover why we

do what we do, it's a whole lot tougher to take all that information and use it to help make changes. Change is vital, though, as it's the only way to achieve body language excellence. Change will be challenging, but change is the paving that forms the path to charisma. If we're going to press on with this metaphor I might also add that self-consciousness, embarrassment, and laziness are the slippery slime and mossy stuff that can make you skid or stall.

One piece of advice: when you're making changes, always keep your goals in mind. When you learned to drive you were thinking about all the freedom your car would give you. When you look up a route on a map you take time to study the roads because you know exactly where they're leading. Dogs know there's some treat involved for good behavior, like a biscuit or bone. If you feel you're 40 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

changing your body language for the sake of it, it'll be like taking driving lessons knowing you'll never own a car . So visualize the "new you" before you start tweaking your gestures and focus on all the benefits that being body language literate are going to bring you .

The Blink fACToR: AnAlyzing And evAluATing youR own fiRsT imPRessions How quickly will other people be assessing you? Probably in the amount of time it takes to blink . When you walk into a room there will be an animal impulse for others in that room to assess you visually, even if they barely appear to be paying attention .

This impulse is part of the fight-or-flight survival response . The first information those others will need to obtain is whether you appear to constitute a threat or not . After that, though, it's a bit of an image free-for-all as they try to discover your status, job, reason for being there, sexual desirability, and so on . And this isn't just for people you're meeting for the first time . In business the blink factor is ongoing . Every day you'll be viewed with these same eyes as people try to judge your mood or your leadership qualities, your knowledge or ability to either take control or be submissive, and their chances of hOW TO m A k e y O U R B O D y LA n g U A g e W O R k F OR yO U 41

getting you to work late, get coffee, explain the workings of the IT system, and take all that flirting and saucy email stuff further when you are at a happy hour .

The BLInk Your "blink" signals come from any or all of the following:

I gaze or eye contact

I Posture

I gestures

I Facial expression

I Touch

I Spatial behavior

I grooming (including your smell!)

I Dress

How many of these key factors do you think you're consciously aware of each time you meet people or walk into a room or an office? Here are a few quick questions:

I Do you know what your facial expression looks like or do you

feel it and assume it's doing okay?

I Do you take a moment to stand tall and look relaxed before

you walk into a room? Or do you shuffle in hoping no

one's noticed you?

I Do you have an eye for grooming details? Are your nails

always clean and nail varnish unchipped? Or do

you sometimes rush out of the house hoping no one 42 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

will notice or that if they do they'll think it's part

of your hobo-chic look?

I When you speak do your hands ever get out of control? Are

you always being told you wave your arms around

too much? Do your hands tend to carry on their

own conversations regardless of the fact that you're

willing them to keep still?

I Are you aware of your own personal tics, fiddles, mannerisms, or

other habits that get worse when you're put under pressure?

I Do you ever make a conscious effort to keep your hands under

control by shoving them into your pockets, clasping them behind

your back, or folding your arms?

I Do you ever use a handbag or pen as a prop to keep your hands

occupied?

I Are you aware how close you stand to other people when you're

talking?

I Do you give a good shake? Are you sure your handshake

is a good one and do you know exactly when to use

it or when to instigate it?

I Do your feet ever tap or twitch when you're sitting down? Or

does your leg swing or twitch?

I Do you evaluate your own eye contact, using more at times to

create a positive impression, or do you allow it to be steered by

your emotions, using less when you feel lacking in confidence

or intimidated by a stronger character? hOW TO m A k e y O U R B O D y LA n g U A g e W O R k F OR yO U 43

PRACTiCAl sTePs To The PeRfeCT Body lAnguAge PeRfoRmAnCe Here is the first key thing you need to know about working on your own body language to enhance your impact and maximize your success:

STeP One: knOW yOUR gOAL(S) If you were about to shoot a gun, you'd be given three basic commands:

ReAdy

TAke Aim

fiRe!

The order of these three words is simple but vital to ensure you hit your target . But how do you currently communicate?

ReAdy

fiRe!

... um... take aim?

The success rate of this approach is about the same as the success rate of firing a gun before you've aimed and expecting to hit the target . Apart from anything else, it's dangerous!

Speaking before you think is a common problem, and 44 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

the thing about our communications and transactions is that often we don't bother to aim them before we fire . We're a bit flaccid about our target planning . Our body language aiming is especially suspect . We don't get to see our own body language and so we tend to just let it do its own thing . Like an overindulged child, though, it starts to become a bit of a liability .

When did you last "take aim" with your body language? If you've had a difficult transaction, or communication, with time for planning and preparation I bet you spent any prep time working out what to say rather than how to say it . Or how about approaching someone you are attracted to? There are loads of articles in men's magazines extolling the virtues of different pick-up lines but few that describe how a guy should stand if he wants to impress a girl .

Like every other aspect of a transaction, your body language needs to be fine-tuned in keeping with your goal(s) .

There are four different types of image goals for you to target:

� The "lifetime achievement" goal: the image you want to

project to others on a regular and long-term basis .

� The strategic goal: flexing your image and impact to suit

a short-term set of circumstances .

� The professional goal: adopting a corporate or more

professional image that matches your chosen career . hOW TO m A k e y O U R B O D y LA n g U A g e W O R k F OR yO U 45

� The role goal: adopting differing images to suit your

different life roles and responsibilities, like parent,

daughter, wife, team-player, friend, and so on .

If you understand your goals you will be well on the way to understanding how to maximize your body language techniques to achieve them . If you suffer from goal- confusion, though, you're destined to look something of a prize chump .

Before you attend an important meeting or scenario spend a few moments creating specific image goals for that meeting . Ask yourself:

I how do I want to be perceived?

I If I were wearing a t-shirt with words printed across the front to

describe me and my personality, what would I want those words

to say?

I What body language can I use to get those words across?

Spend a few more moments visualizing those words . To do this you can work on very basic body language rules and knowledge . For instance, if one t-shirt word is "confident," visualize people you know who look confident and then see yourself acting in the same way . This technique is a great learning tool for body language as it replicates the system you used to learn how to move and gesticulate in your childhood: play and mimicry . 46 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

As a basic ploy you can create a simple body language tool-kit that will make instant improvements, like:

if youR TARgeT quAliTy is ConfidenCe Your body language tools are:

I Steady eye contact

I Upright posture

I Open gestures

I A relaxed facial expression

I your smile

if youR TARgeT quAliTy is fRiendliness Your body language tools are:

I Smiling

I nodding

I A warm handshake

I Softened eye expression

I Standing face-on to the other person

if youR TARgeT quAliTy is sTATus oR leAdeRshiP Your body language tools are:

I A firm handshake

I good eye contact

I Straight posture

I Sitting centrally or at the front

I no fiddling or wriggling

I Smooth, emphatic gestures hOW TO m A k e y O U R B O D y LA n g U A g e W O R k F OR yO U 47

if youR TARgeT quAliTy is CAlm Your body language tools are:

I measured breathing

I Smooth, synchronized body movements

I Lowered shoulders, not tensed or hunched

I no fiddling

I Sitting back in your seat

I elbows on the arms of the chair

I hands lightly clasped

Does modifying your body language like this make you a liar? Shouldn't you just "be yourself"? Isn't this conning people and acting false or not being true to type?

Honing or changing your body language signals is part of a natural process . You learned most of it by imitation and there's nothing wrong with adding to your repertoire . You'd feel happy about learning new words to express yourself, so why not new gestures?

Another fact of body language is that when you feel that you're "being yourself" you probably aren't . Most people I coach are mortified when they first see their own body language on TV because it's not what they thought they were doing and not what they intended to say . They make changes because they're not putting the right message across .

One of the key changes I made to my own body language was to stop looking shy . I am shy and I feel 48 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

shy but shyness doesn't work in my job . Worse still, it was getting misinterpreted . People assumed I was being stuck-up or arrogant .

STeP TWO: PLAy TO yOUR STRengThS When you target your image goals make sure you pick the right set of competencies . Look at your own USPs (unique selling points) and try to enhance them, rather than suppressing or deleting them . Tweaking is good but industrial-strength masking is not . It's hard to perform and the cracks will start to show .

Here's how your body language works as a communi- cation tool:

I you talk to someone .

I While you're talking you gesticulate or pull a face .

I They see you do this .

So far, so simple . But of course the whole process is far more complex than that . What happens next is something called "cognitive algebra," which is the term used to describe the following process of assessment via visual recognitions:

1 . Stage one: scanning . This is when you're being generally

looked at . You employ a gesture . Let's say you

fold your arms . This is the stage called "creating

stimulus ." You did it, they saw it . If the pair of you hOW TO m A k e y O U R B O D y LA n g U A g e W O R k F OR yO U 49

went to court you could both swear on a stack of

Bibles that's what you did . 2 . Stage two: focusing . Your "listener" starts to take

notice, consciously analyzing the stimulus

you've produced . 3 . Stage three: comprehension . Consciously or subcon-

sciously the "listener" searches for meaning in what

you did . What is this gesture telling them? That

you're cold? Or angry? Are you nervous? Or have

you just realized you forgot to wear underwear?

By now the communication has gone out of

your control . 4 . Stage four: assimilation . Your listener starts to link

what they have seen to memories . This is the

conscious evaluation process . Based on previous

experiences of your gesture your listener is going

to make judgments on your personality or mood .

The listener is rummaging through their memory

banks to form connections, meaning they're trying

to create understanding by relating this to a time

when they've seen this gesture before and remem-

bering what it meant when they did . As you can

gather, this is a very flawed way of assimilating

information, especially when it comes to body

language . What if they have poorly evaluated their

past experiences? 50 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

5 . Stage five: response . This could be along the lines of:

"I had a teacher once who always folded her arms

when she was telling me off . I therefore dislike

this man because I feel he's being dictatorial and

domineering ." Or: "I always cross my arms when

I'm feeling nervous or unsure . I feel sorry for this

guy and I'll do my best to make him feel at ease ."

This is why it's so important to evaluate your own body language signals and make some effort to understand their effect on other people . If you're aware that folding your arms could create the impression that you're stand- offish or even aggressive you can begin to make moves to improve the quality of your signals, either by not folding your arms at all, ever, or you could minimize any negative connotations by balancing your gestures to create harmony .

Playing to your strengths means knowing your USPs and capitalizing on them . When you work on your image make sure you're accentuating the positives and masking any negatives . Fit the qualities to the situation and avoid working strictly on assumption--for example, "I know that client likes me because I always speak my mind ." Maybe they like you despite the fact you speak your mind . Or: "I'll never attract that guy; I get much too nervous when he talks to me ." Perhaps it's your diffidence that hOW TO m A k e y O U R B O D y LA n g U A g e W O R k F OR yO U 51