The Body Language Rules (10 page)

To learn a good smile you should always begin with the eyes . The neural machinery involved in creating a genuine smile is different to that used in replicating or faking a smile . 128 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

The orbicularis muscle of the eyes moves subconsciously in a genuine smile while the zygomatic muscle of the side of the mouth can create a smile voluntarily or involuntarily . Therefore smiling with the mouth but not the eyes will create what looks like a mirthless or joyless smile .

When you study your face in the mirror, cover the lower half with your hand or some paper and try to create a smile using your eyes alone . Soften the eyes as though you've seen a friend . Then imagine you're about to share a joke with that friend . Once you've perfected the eye smile you can go on to work on the mouth .

Start with a closed-lip smile then widen it to a smile that shows upper and lower teeth (although not all of them!) . Does your smile look open and genuine or does it look as though someone's shouted "Say cheese"? Think of something funny if you're struggling . Keep working on your smile until it looks and feels genuine . Remember all the top movie stars like Tom Cruise and Julia Roberts who have perfected their screen smile to the point where it has made them iconic .

Here are some key things to remember:

I Don't hold your teeth edge-to-edge as it suggests stress or

tension . This is known as the stretched social smile

or the rictus, for obvious reasons .

I Avoid opening your mouth unless executing a natural laugh--

otherwise it looks false . FAcIAL exPReSSIOnS 129

I never produce what is known as the flash smile or the lightning

smile . This is the name for smiles that appear from

nowhere and disappear just as suddenly . A genuine

smile might appear suddenly but would hang around

for longer . I Also avoid the pinging smile . These are used to devas-

tating effect by celebs but look phony when

employed in real life . This is where your face lights

up like a hundred-watt bulb but for no obvious

reason except to impress . I Avoid using what appears to be a choreographed smile that

bears no relation to the words you're speaking . Former

Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher used this type

of smile a lot, smiling on non-smiley words like

"unemployment" or throwing a smile in when she

was trying to sound cross . 130 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

The PSychOLOgy OF The SmILe: WhAT yOUR SmILe SAyS ABOUT yOU

The miRThless smile

Rounded eyes plus a wide, even mouth . When a smile fails to reach

the eyes it looks false and performed .

The sTReTChed soCiAl RiCTus

Very wide mouth, showing upper and lower teeth . This is an overly

stretched social smile, making you look desperate for approval and to

be seen as polite . It can also look aggressive, like an animal snarling . FAcIAL exPReSSIOnS 131

The AsymmeTRiC smile This smile is lopsided . Lopsided smiles are common, but make your happiness look lacking in genuine warmth, as though you're just trying to make the effort, or being sarcastic .

The uPTuRned smile Only the middle of the lips moves up, making the smile look upside down . This gives the impression of a veneer of sophistication underpinned by misery . 132 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

The mouTh-shRug

A completely upturned smile, with the lips pulled inward . This is often

performed upon greeting . It will make you look long suffering, rather

than happy .

The PeRfeCT smile

mouth even, lips pulled back showing upper and lower teeth, eyes

slightly narrowed . you look genuinely happy . FAcIAL exPReSSIOnS 133

The suPPRessed smile The eyes wrinkle slightly but the mouth smile is held in check--you look as though you're either sharing a joke or trying not to laugh at someone .

The Tonsil-flAsheR eyes wrinkled, mouth wide open . This overcongruent smile will make you look like a parent trying to get a smile from its child . Or it could make you look insincere . As a bluff, a very big smile will make you look very very bored . 134 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

The seCReT smile

The chin is dipped and the head tilted slightly to one side . eyes are

raised, lips closed and lifted lopsided . This is a quasi-flirt expression,

what used to be called a "come-on ."

The �BeR-fliRT

Same as above but with one eyebrow raised . FAcIAL exPReSSIOnS 135

The AggRessive smile Lips pulled right back, teeth bared . In animal terms this would be a snarl . you'll look deadly .

The loweR JAw-JuT smile Only the lower teeth are exposed . Pushing out the lower teeth will give the appearance of aggression, no matter how much your mouth tries to smile . 136 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

The ClenCheR

Lips parted but teeth clenched, edge-to-edge . This smile will look as

though you're masking inner tension or anxiety .

The smug smile

chin tilted upward, lips quite tight, no teeth showing . Possibly the least

popular smile because it makes you look superior for all the wrong

reasons . FAcIAL exPReSSIOnS 137

The know-All smile

mouth lopsided, lips closed, one eyebrow raised . Although this can

have some flirt potential it will mainly make you look as though

you're demeaning the other person .

FROWnIng It's bad to frown--right? Well, not always . David Beckham has created a signature frown that adds to his image of a sporting hero and he uses it to great effect, even when he's towing Victoria around behind him on a night out . David's frown is an absolute corker because he executes it with one eyebrow . This look can make both men and women go weak at the knees as it intimidates his opponents and implies sexual dominance to women .

A male frown can be a strong sexual turn-on then . Think alpha male and you'll probably be thinking frown . A little touch of anger can do wonders for a guy's image but sadly the same doesn't apply to women . It's almost impossible to find one woman in the media who frowns at all as it 138 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

flies in the face of the "bubbly" image that still appears to be "ideal ." Even female news presenters will either tend to be the bubbly sidekick to the frowning serious male or at the very most present a deadpan expression on screen . If you want to see a saleable frown on a female celebrity you need to look at some moody rock stars or catwalk models who are trying to look aloof rather than approachable .

One of the big problems with frowning is that--if you don't get it right--you can look angry or disapproving rather than focused and sexy .

hOW TO DO LISTenIng AnD cOnceRneD Your facial expression is everything when you want to register concerned listening . Tilt your head forward slightly and apply the ghost of a frown . Narrow your eyes very slightly and prepare to do the business with your mouth . From then on it's all down to what's called facial mirroring, which means subtly copying the speaker's own facial expressions or emotions .

Do beware dissonant expressions from your speaker, though . This is the term for facial expressions that are directly opposite in sentiment to the speaker's emotions . You see this phenomenon a lot on TV when someone comes on screen to talk about their own huge personal tragedy or loss . Instead of a sad face, they perform a smile and maybe even a small laugh or shrug as though to say, FAcIAL exPReSSIOnS 139

"It was nothing ." This contradictory stuff will usually stem from "putting on a brave face ."

eye cOnTAcT Eye contact will make you look confident and in charge of a conversation . However, many training manuals and courses insist you should use it to a degree that I would describe as "too much ."

By looking away from someone you will appear shy or submissive, but remember what I said about pinning your objectives up before you start to make changes . Is shyness such a bad thing? Think of some people you know who use or used shy body language signals . Four key characters spring to mind: former Prime Minister Tony Blair, British politician David Cameron, Princess Diana, and Diana's son Prince William . All of these people manage or managed to keep on the attractive side of shyness . This means they are able to display terrific confidence in many of their performances, yet still keep a high likeability rating because of their use of a dipped head, dipped eyes, and bashful-looking smiles .

On the other hand, think of those avid fans of the strong, unbroken eye contact signal like British politician Michael Howard, English journalist Jeremy Paxman, British broadcaster Jeremy Kyle, and former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, and although you're looking 140 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

at some strong, controlling characters, you're not talking lead contenders in a likeability contest .

You can use your eye contact as a tool of mass destruction then, but you can also tone it down to magnificent effect .

I Use 100 percent eye contact when you're listening to someone,

but add nodding into the repertoire as well or you'll look like a

crazy staring person .

I When it's you doing the speaking, remember to alternate

between using eye contact and looking away for short spaces

of time . Too much prolonged eye contact when you

speak can look intimidating or even dishonest .

I Increase your eye contact when you want to increase your

status, but use this tool wisely .

I Prolonged bouts of staring only really occur in the real world

between lovers who are trying to access one another's minds

and/or Anti-Social Behavior Order idiots who are about to

punch your lights out . Sadly, intense eye contact will

tend to look either passionate or hugely aggressive,

which is why the phrase "Who're you looking at?" is

the one that tells you a fight is about to break out .

eye mOVemenT Eye rolling is often analyzed as a natural way to stimulate certain parts of the brain . Unfortunately, though, the direction of the eyes might act as a turnoff to your audience . FAcIAL exPReSSIOnS 141

I By looking upward and straight ahead you'll probably find

it easier to discover your inner script when you're giving a

speech or a formal talk, but the advantages of this gesture

are completely outweighed by the disadvantages as you'll look

pompous or scared or disconnected from your audience . I Rolling your eyes upward is a straightforward insult to the person

you're speaking to, as it signals impatience and irritation . The

message you're sending is that you have to look

heavenward to ask for patience in dealing with

them . It's the visual form of a sigh . I your direction of gaze will tend to signal that's where you'd

rather be . So if you keep looking at the door when

someone's talking, or gazing at other people who

walk by, you'll imply you'd rather leave or at least

be talking to someone else . I There are claims that lifting your eyes to either side will

suggest either lying or telling the truth . Some psycholo-

gists claim there's no proof for this theory, but I've

studied tapes of famous liars and also monitored

people on training courses and I feel that this idea

holds water . I'll deal with it at more length in the

chapters on reading other people, but keep in mind

that if you're being put on the spot and you lift your

eyes up and to your left you'll seem to be recalling

the truth . However by lifting them up and toward

your right you might seem like a liar . 142 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I glancing away or down at a key point in your dialogue could

also make you look dishonest or deceitful . Most people

feel their eyes really are the mirrors of their soul

and there's a very strong desire to hide them when

you're being economical with the truth .

I By keeping your eyes diverted on more of a long-term basis

you could look either evasive and shifty or shy . If you drop

your gaze when someone looks at you, but then

raise your eyes to hold their gaze, you could look

like a flirt, though!

I An eye-block gesture is when you do a long blink, appearing to

signal you want the speaker to shut up .

I Similarly, eye-cutoffs occur when you close your eyes for a

longer period of time than a blink, usually signaling that you

want to remove yourself from the situation or delete what

you're seeing or hearing .

I eye-flashing is that very direct, meaningful look you might

throw, usually to your partner when you want to leave a party

and he or she has just ordered another drink .

I eye-puff is when you widen your eyes to register surprise

or shock .

I eye-stutters are when your blink-rate becomes irregular, which

will seem to signal confusion .

I The accelerated blink . You'll know when you've been

quick blinked at because it's another signal of

irritation or impatience . If someone asks you to do FAcIAL exPReSSIOnS 143

something for them and you really don't want to,

it's more assertive to explain your reasons than to

agree using a volley of fast blinks . It's a sign that

your adrenalin's pumping, which is in turn a sign of

suppressed anger or irritation . Keep your blink rate

fixed to normal, and don't use your body language

to drop hints .

I no blinking . Of course it's impossible to stop yourself

from blinking altogether but I have studied some

people who seem to have put their blinks on hold

for an extraordinary length of time . Coincidentally,

they have all been criminals and conmen who

seemed to think a wide-eyed gaze would make

them look more honest . Not blinking takes a lot of