The Body Language Rules (8 page)

key PoinTs:

� Break the "rules" to get results.

� Show, don't tell.

� Recognize your key states that could mess up your body language.

Visualize your adult state and allow that to take over leadership and

control instead .

BegIn ner's

a

gu Ide to

and ge stures

your H t

he next work we're going to do to achieve that control

is with your hand movements. We've already created the beginnings of postural excellence and now we need to make sure your hands are what politicians would call "online" with your ideal performed messages. This creates what are called coverbal gestures, or congruence (as we've already seen in chapter 1).

yOur current hand gestures

I What are your self-comfort rituals--that is, all those

fiddling, scratching, stroking, sucking, and chewing

habits you do when you're under pressure or wanting

to self-calm?

I What range of emphatic gestures do you have when you're

speaking? Are there some you repeat over and over

again? Or do you throw your hands around as

you talk? 98 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

Be aware that it's easy to "catch" a hand gesture and not all copy is prompted by inspirational mimicry . Two days after Prime Minister Tony Blair announced he was stepping down from office and Gordon Brown had stepped up to the plate, the often dour-looking Scot was doing a Blair- style gated hands gesture .

good And BAd hAnd gesTuRes How do you define good and bad gestures? If I asked you to compile a list of each, how many do you think you'd manage? Probably a handful of bad ones and fewer good ones, as it's always easier to know what not to do with your bodytalk than it is to know what to do .

But the truth is there are very few gestures that are genuine, dyed-in-the-wool, moustache-wearing, cheroot- chewing bad guys . Many of the "bad" ones will really come under the "it depends how and when it's done" category, like folding your arms . This gesture forms a barrier that can reveal anxiety or aggression . So does that mean I ban it from your repertoire? Of course not . I fold my arms a lot . Part of my arm folding is prompted by a deep-seated shyness, but part of it is because I think it looks quite cool . Not all the time, not if someone's engaging me in conversation or offering me a job, but if I'm listening to someone else speak while I'm running a course I use the gesture to let them know they've got the A B e gI n n e R ' S g U I D e TO y O U R h An D g e S T U Re S 99

floor . Done at the right time and in the right way, arm folding is perfectly acceptable .

As is putting a hand in your pocket . As long as you don't fiddle with change, or anything else! One hand in one pocket can look urbane and debonair as long as you strike the right pose to go with it .

Nose picking could go on your "bad" list, though . In fact, I think it would creep right across there without even being told to . And if it did, I'm pretty sure smirking and knuckle cracking would join it hand in hand .

Let's start with the good guys, though . These are the gestures that ride around on white stallions and call all women "ma'am ." They rescue kittens from trees, and they never leave the toilet seat up .

gOOD hAnD geSTUReS Good gestures are either illustrative or emphatic . Both types of gesture will enhance the effect of your message and the understanding of the listener . I'll also look at schematic or mime signals and transfix gestures .

illusTRATive This means your hands perform a mime to describe the object or action you're talking about . We all know the thumb and little finger gesture that mimes "call me" when you hold it up to your ear . We also know that if 100 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

you are describing a child, by placing your hand in the air horizontally, palm down, you're showing the height and indicating the age of that child .

Illustrative gestures aid the understanding of your listener . It's like painting small pictures in the air .

emPhATiC While illustrative gestures show visual pictures, emphatic gestures try to define emotions . We stab, hammer, punch, flutter, and wring with our hands to show anger, frustration, concern, and anxiety or worry . When you use emphatic gestures you ensure your listener under- stands your strength of feeling . This is as long as they're congruent . If your gestures play against your message they'll confuse it . For instance, imagine a politician who is canvassing for votes . She says her party will lower income tax to generate wealth for everyone . However when the politician uses the word "lower" she pushes her hand, palm up, upward into the air . And when she uses the word "everyone" her hands point toward her own chest . This is where the emphatic gestures fail to do the business .

Prime ministers Tony Blair and Gordon Brown tended to time-share the same emphatic gestures . When they were canvassing votes they'd both use what I call the Matador Stab, pointing both index fingers downward and jabbing them toward the lectern . This emphatic A B e gI n n e R ' S g U I D e TO y O U R h An D g e S T U Re S 101

gesture would be too over the top for normal use but as an accompaniment to verbal displays of commitment and "nailing their point" it worked every time . They also shared a love of a measuring gesture, holding both hands out face-to-face, about ten inches apart, fingers stretched flat . This gesture would be moved around in the air, going to the left (their left) to signal previous problems and to the right to show plans for the future . By employing both hands in the same gesture they appeared to be fully committed to their thought as both their left brain and their right brain were in agreement . It's rare to use an emphatic gesture that employs both hands in sync like this . Usually we tend to gesture more with one hand than the other .

sChemATiC oR mime signAls These are intended to be much more precise and should create deeper understanding of your message . However, not everyone speaks the same body language and you should remember that there are cultural variations .

The classic signals do appear to have obvious meanings, though . Ask someone how they are and a "thumbs up" will nearly always signal "okay ." Hold one hand out and wobble it from side to side and you're letting someone know you're not sure or "maybe ." Tapping the side of your nose can mean "keep it to yourself ." However, mime or 102 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

symbolic signals can be confusing . When famous English soccer player Paul Gascoigne famously wept during the World Cup, teammate Gary Lineker looked toward the bench and tapped an index finger toward his eye . I'd always thought he was letting them know there was crying occurring on the field but a quick lipread seems to suggest he was really saying "keep an eye on him ."

TRAnsfix gesTuRes These hand gestures "park" a thought during a conver- sation, reminding everyone you intend to return to it . They can be useful markers to signal that there might have been an interruption but the subject matter hasn't been dropped . They can look rude, though, if you use them to ignore the new speaker and suggest you just want them to finish so you can go back to your preferred subject .

The BAD AnD The UgLy? Now that we've seen what will aid your communication, let's look at some types of gestures that can cause problems by disrupting or upstaging your message .

AggRessive hAnd gesTuRes We use a lot of aggressive signals during the average day, often without realizing it . Most of them will occur as a result of suppressed aggression or frustration, but they are A B e gI n n e R ' S g U I D e TO y O U R h An D g e S T U Re S 103

visible to the naked eye and will be received as purveyors of ritualized combat or fight intentions .

Aggressive gestures appear when your system goes into a state of aggressive arousal . For most humans there's no follow through or even desire to follow through . A gang of fans going to a football game might well set out for the day with the objective of giving rival fans a good beating, but few commuters board the subway checking to see that they've packed their brass knuckles and can of Mace along with their BlackBerry . Aggressive behavior in the workplace is just as rife as that at football games but it tends to be suppressed, masked, or displaced . Workers often find that their way of coping with daily frustrations can involve things like slamming down phones, talking with sarcasm, chewing pens, or even getting into conflict at home .

leAkAge hAnd gesTuRes Remember your body language "leakage," all those give-away signals that act as your Personal Heckling system? Well, much of your leakage will come from your hand gestures, which tend to go out of control once you're put under pressure . Many of your leakage gestures can be misleading, but I've already read you the riot act over "no sick notes" and that rule has to stand .

Even if you rub your hands because of a chill in the air, if it looks like nerves it will have to stop . If you fiddle with 104 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

jewelry, take it off for keynote meetings . If you twiddle your hair, tie it back .

Any gesture that's not part of your congruent message will be botching your communication via heckling and will therefore have to be deleted from your repertoire . Do this by visualizing and then rehearsing those gestures that will enhance your verbal communication .

self-CAlm gesTuRes If this book was about stress management I'd be encour- aging you to keep doing your self-calm gestures . They're the sucking, stroking, and patting things you do to make yourself feel better when you're under pressure . Unfortunately, you do need to ask yourself how many times you'd have "anxious" on the top of your image projection wish list .

If you're hooked on self-calming gestures, then at least try to develop one that is less visible . If it takes twenty-one to thirty days to change a habit, find a new one and make it work . All you need to do is invent a new self-calming gesture, like rubbing the tip of your thumb . Do it for twenty-one days when you feel calm and comfortable, then begin to use it to calm yourself down when you're stressed . Your brain will learn by association and the new gesture should be subtle enough to keep hidden . A B e gI n n e R ' S g U I D e TO y O U R h An D g e S T U Re S 105

TRunCATed gesTuRes These need to go on to the "gestures to ditch" list . Truncated gestures are the sort you start but somehow forget to finish . Ever watched someone talk who stops halfway into a gesture or mime? These are called truncated gestures . The speaker may pull out a candy and only get halfway through unwrapping it because he warms to the theme while talking . Or a speaker may start counting her fingers, intending to count four points off, but get lost after one or two, or she may raise a finger to make a point, and then park it because you go on talking . These gestures interrupt the listener . The eye tends to focus on chaos and if your gestures are chaotic in this way they will compete with your words and undoubtedly win .

Truncated gestures are a distraction . Always finish what you've started because your audience will tend to stay where you left them .

BARRieR hAnd gesTuRes Hands are all too easily accessible when it comes to creating body barriers . You can use them to cover any part of your face or to clutch a wine glass or bag to your chest when you feel under attack at social events . If you're a man, you might even use your hands to perform the classic crotch-cover or fig-leaf pose when you feel under physical or emotional attack . Even a small amount 106 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

of facial touch will imply either anxiety or lying, so make strenuous efforts to keep your hands off your face, apart from an index-finger-to-chin touch, which can imply active listening .

AuTo-ConTACT gesTuRes Hey, guess what? Auto-contact gestures can range from good to ghastly, depending what part of the body you're touching! As the name implies, they are self-touch gestures and will usually imply nervousness or anxiety, but in the case of hair, lip, or even leg or arm touch they can also imply sexual interest . So be careful!

geSTURAL exceLLence So, to sum up: it's easy to spot the gestures that might interfere with your communication . These will fall into three key categories:

1 . They distract from your message because you are

fiddling, twiddling, or waving your arms around

too much . These are the upstagers and need

to fall out of your repertoire . They can also be

half-finished, which means they are truncated

gestures .

2 . They're in conflict with your message . These are all

those leakage or denial gestures that heckle you as

you speak . A B e gI n n e R ' S g U I D e TO y O U R h An D g e S T U Re S 107

3 . They're overcongruent, meaning they're right for

the message but so over-the-top or overly repeated

that your audience doubts your sincerity .

ChAnging youR hAnd hABiTs It sounds hideously difficult to change your gestural patterns . For one thing, you're probably not even aware of them, and once you are aware you become too inhibited and self-conscious to look natural . Hands are a bit of a bugger; they're happy to do their own thing when you're not looking but once you start to pay them attention and give them instructions they go into a sulk . Often hands appear to grow in size, and the more you instruct them not to do something the more they tend to do it . Try telling yourself not to fiddle with your notes as you talk, for instance . The brain has its own little filter system . It deletes the word "don't" and only hears the command, so "don't put your hands in your pockets" becomes "shove your hands in your pockets at the first opportunity and then fiddle with your small change while you're in there ."

Change means sending positive commands, not don'ts .

Remember, it takes twenty-one to thirty days to change a habit, which is small fry compared to the benefits you'll 108 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

be reaping . So here are your easy steps to becoming in control of your hand gestures:

I Be aware of what gestures you're using at present and how

you'd like them to change .

I know your goals . What do you want to do with

your hands while you speak? Open, emphatic

gestures? Then send that image down to your

subconscious .

I get in front of that mirror again and rehearse, rehearse,