The Atonement (40 page)

For months afterward, the Russell household
was in chaos as all of them grieved over the loss of their beloved
Poppa. Eleanor had totally abandoned them, deciding after the
funeral that she needed to take a vacation to Italy to keep from
losing her sanity. Hurst preferred to send his condolences in the
form of a floral spread for Poppa’s casket, rather than appear in
person to comfort his mourning children. This left Tim and Allyson
in the custody of their Aunt Morgan, who in turn, left them in the
hands of their nannies and checked on them once a week, until their
mother’s return. In the meantime, Tim’s hair grew into a curly shag
that reached his shoulders, while he wore the same clothes for days
on end, and went to school when he felt like it. Allyson, spent
most of the time crying, and trying to follow Tim everywhere he
went. She even threw tantrums when one of the nannies tried to take
her to school. On the rare times she did make it there, the school
would send her back home because of her hysterical behavior. Both
of them spent most of their time at home, with Tim inviting his
girlfriend, Nicole, on occasion to spend time with them. Then after
what seemed to be an interminable three months, their mother
re-appeared tanned, glowing, and with a new perspective of how they
should carry on in light of Poppa’s death, one that would have many
implications for Tim.

Tim remembered it distinctly. After her
return, Eleanor was constantly badgering him about his
responsibilities toward the family. Almost everyday he was subject
to a lecture of some sort, which would then turn into an argument.
Eleanor had a lot of plans that she wanted him to get in line with.
First, she wanted him to take entrance exams for a new school. Not
long after this, he came home one day to find she had trashed all
of his favorite old clothes, and replaced them with a lot of corny
looking preppy ones. Then she told him about her friend who had an
internship with Tim’s name on it. His mother had gone from her
usual laissez-faire parenting to becoming a helicopter mom almost
overnight and it left Tim feeling as if he was being suffocated. At
first, he had no idea what was going on or why it was happening,
until she called him in for another of their little ‘talks.’ She
had him sit in the chair in front of her desk that she used for
clients while she sat on the opposite side.

“Timothy, sit up! What we are going to talk
about is of the utmost importance for your future as well as the
future of this family.”

Tim eased himself a little higher, but had a
hard time staying straight, as he stared blankly at the onyx
pendant his mother was wearing. He had just gone through a joint a
while ago and he was still feeling a little disoriented.

“Tim, I think I should make you aware that
Poppa left a good portion of his estate to you, however, it is in
trust until you turn 25. That coupled with the fact that you are
the last male in this family with the Russell name means that it is
your duty to continue your grandfather’s legacy.”

His mother paused for a moment, as if she
expected him to respond, but Tim didn’t say anything. In his mind,
there was nothing to say. None of what she was talking about had
any meaning for him. All he wanted was for someone to explain to
him why life was so unfair, that someone he loved and who had loved
him so much had to be taken away.

“As your grandfather’s heir, you will be the
head of this family,” Eleanor droned on, “There are many things you
must learn in order to assume this role; there’s a disposition you
must develop and you are at an age where you must begin to prepare
for your future. Do you understand?”

Tim continued to remain silent. He didn’t
care about roles, or dispositions, or the future. Right now there
was a pain inside him that he didn’t think would ever go away. What
did he care about the future if his Poppa couldn’t be a part of
it?

“The staff have apprised me of your recent
behavior: missing school, drugs, that girl you’re fooling around
with! Look at yourself -you look and smell like a hobo! Timothy
this is unacceptable! You will not continue on like this! The time
has come for you to grow up and fulfill your obligation to this
family. From this moment forward, you will bathe and groom
yourself, you will go to school, you will excel in your studies,
and anything else you are told to. You owe it to me, to your
sister, to your Aunt Morgan and most importantly you owe it to
Poppa who did everything in his power to give you every advantage
that you have now. Is that understood?! Answer me!”

Tim bolted out of his chair, dashed out of
the office and into his room and slammed the door and locked it. It
wasn’t long before he could hear Eleanor banging on the door and
screaming at him, so he got his mp3 player out, put on his
headphones and zoned out to his favorite rock band. It was all
getting too much for him. If it wasn’t enough that Allyson was
leaning on him so hard, now his mother was saying he’d eventually
have to assume responsibility for the whole family. Tim knew
exactly what she was doing. She was trying to groom him to become
her personal ATM machine, just like Hurst, and there was no way Tim
was going to stand for that. The one person who he could’ve leaned
on during a time like this was gone. The pressure he was feeling
had him dizzy. There was only one solution that he could think of.
He had to get out of this house.

It took Tim a couple of days to plan his
escape to California. He didn’t plan to stay there, but he needed
some time to think about things without having to listen to his
mother harangue him about legacies and responsibility, as if he
were a character in a fantasy epic. The only person he felt sorry
about leaving was Allyson. He knew why she’d been so clingy lately,
and he tried to be there for her, but he felt powerless to help her
in the way she needed. On the day of his departure, he told his
girlfriend who then insisted on coming with him. So off they went
on an adventure to California.

Looking back from the present, he realized
how silly his plan was and why Hurst and his mother were able to
catch up with them so quickly. When he came back, he holed himself
in his room for about a week before speaking to anyone, and
afterward he began to notice Allyson’s change in demeanor. Was this
what Allyson was angry about? He didn’t understand why? He’d gone
mopey and silent on them all before and Allyson never took it so
hard.

There was one last thing in the box:
Allyson’s keepsake box. He’d seen it before, but this time
something was leading him to open it and go through it. Sifting
through the box he found toy jewelry, a couple of beanie babies,
some gum wrappers, and a diary. He never knew she had ever kept a
diary. Tim decided to read it. The dates were around the time that
their Poppa died. Tim surmised she had been writing about what was
going on as a way to deal with everything. Some of the things he
read made him feel so bad for her, like when she wrote how confused
she was after Poppa died and how terrified she was when Tim went
missing. It made Tim feel like a stooge for not caring for her
more. Then he came to the entry of June 30, 1998:

Dear Fairy
Godmother
,

They found Tim. I should be happy about it
but I’m not. You know why? Because he’s a rat-faced bugger-head. He
lied to me. He said he would take care of me, but he ran away with
his girlfriend and they were going to live together like happily
ever after forever in California and I had to stay here with my
evil wicked witch mother who doesn’t even love me. Safi told me
everything then my evil witch mom fired her because she thinks Tim
running away was her fault because she didn’t stop him. He didn’t
even say goodbye to me or give me a note. He doesn’t love me
either, just like everybody else. I don’t know if he used to love
me then he didn’t any more because I was bothering him too much or
if he never loved me from the beginning. It doesn’t matter anyway
because I hate him now, too, and I’m never going to talk to him
again. I hate all of them. The only one I love is Poppa, but he’s
gone. I hate this place. I hope I die, too. Then I could be a ghost
and I could find Poppa’s ghost and we could be together forever. I
know ghosts aren’t real, by the way, but I wish they were.

Miserably Yours,

Allyson

After reading this portion of the diary, Tim
finally understood. He was no longer stuck reasoning about the
event from his 14 year old self, but with the clarity and
experience that time had given him in his 26 years on the planet.
He could have kicked himself for his stupidity and callousness that
had brought his baby sister so much pain during an already
difficult time. Tim went to his desk and grabbed a mini manila
envelope from one of the cubbies and put the diary inside. Then he
went to pray.

“Thank you Father for having mercy on me once
again, and for blessing me beyond what I deserve. Thank you for
helping me to find that diary, and for helping me to understand the
pain that I’ve caused my sister. Lord, you know I didn’t mean to
hurt her. Please show me what to do now. What do I say – what can I
do to let her know how much I love her and how sorry I am for
what’s happened. I don’t want her to have to go on the way she is
now. I just want to see her whole again – like when we were
younger. Please, not for my sake Lord, but for hers. In Jesus name,
Amen.”

Thirty-Seven

Jim could hear the jingle of keys and then
the click of the cylinder turning in the lock as he lay on the
couch in the dark. “He’s back,” thought Jim. Not long after, He
could see the light coming from the open door and hear the sound of
Allen’s heavy footsteps and his wheeled backpack rolling across the
linoleum floor. Jim had been waiting for this moment and at the
same time he was dreading it. He lay silently on the couch,
feigning sleep, still struggling within himself. ‘Maybe I should
wait until the morning,” he thought, however he knew that Allen
left for work so early that he stood the chance of missing his
opportunity and he didn’t have much time left, since Sunday was
only three days away. He had to prepare Allen for his news, and it
had to be tonight. When he heard Allen rummaging around in the
kitchen getting his dinner, Jim decided it was now or never. So he
peeled the covers off of him, found his crutch, pulled himself up
off the couch and hobbled toward the kitchen.

“I thought I heard you come in,” said Jim as
he entered the kitchen and took a seat opposite Allen.

“You waiting up for me?” said Allen who was
already sitting in front of his dinner of lemon chicken, baked
potato, and broccoli. Allen looked tired as usual, but Jim also
noticed he was sweating as if he’d ran all the way home from
school.

“Kind of. You been running or something?”

“Oh, no,” said Allen wiping the perspiration
that had beaded up on his forehead. Just a little hot, that’s
all.”

“You alright?” asked Jim again. It certainly
wasn’t hot inside the house, and it was 45 degrees outside.

“Yeah,” said Allen, sitting up in his chair.
“You wanted to talk about something?”

“I know you don’t have a lot of time, but I
thought I’d catch you before you went upstairs.”

“What’s up?” he said pushing the plate away
after barely tasting the broccoli.

“I have some news that I was going to tell
the family on Sunday, but I wanted to give you the opportunity to
hear it from me first.”

“Okaaay. I hope it’s good news.”

“To me it is.”

“Alright then, let’s hear it.”

“
It’s just - since I got out
of the hospital, I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my
life and – look, I feel like I need a change of direction, a change
of scene, everything. The only way to do that is to put this city
behind me.”

“Jim, are you talking about leaving town?”
asked Allen.

“Yeah. I’m planning on heading out to North
Carolina to stay with Riley and Uncle Henry and them. I’ve talked
to Riley about it, and she already asked Uncle Henry, and he’s
thinks it’s a good idea, too.”

Jim could hear Allen inhaling deeply and he
looked perturbed. He could tell Allen wasn’t pleased with his news,
but that had been expected.

“Where’s this coming from?”

“This city doesn’t have anything to offer to
an unemployed black man except trouble and I don’t have the
patience to deal with the games these people play with a brother
trying to find work.”

“We could ask around and help you find
something.”

“I don’t want to find something up here. I’m
sick of this place.”

“Did you at least pray about this?”

“I know this is the right thing to do.”

“But…”

“I’m not changing my mind, Al.”

“When are you leaving?”

“Next week, when Riley ships out.”

“What?! But I thought – you just got out of
the hospital!”

“The sooner I make this break, the easier
it’ll be for everybody.”

“This is just so…abrupt. Jim, does this have
something to do with what happened to you?”

“Of course he just had to ask that question,”
thought Jim.

“No it doesn’t.”

“Then you shouldn’t have any problem delaying
your trip for a while.”

“Allen…”

“C’mon, man. I thought you said things were
going to be different this time. We just got you back and now
you’re going on the run again?! How do you think our parents and
our friends are going to feel? How do you think I feel?”

“We’re still going to be family. The only
thing that’s going to change between us is distance. I’ll call and
text and hit you on facebook every now and again. Maybe I’ll come
up for a visit every once in a while. It might be hard at first,
but…I don’t know how to explain it to you…I just need to do
this.”