Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation (19 page)

Tantric Sex Reduces Emotionality

When love is made consciously and emotional or hot sex is avoided (or reduced), there is soon a visible shift in the emotional state of woman. She becomes more radiant, open, and content. Nagging stops, and she begins to flower. Women in our couple’s workshops experience a shift within two or three days of making love regularly without forcing a peak orgasm. Men also notice a big change in their own emotional state, as they become calm and centered, grounded in the body, more present and aware, more relaxed, and more loving. Sounds perfect! Men also notice that anger is not provoked so easily. Anger and frustration levels reduce dramatically when hot sex and ejaculation are avoided or reduced.

How we make love profoundly affects who we are and how we conduct ourselves as human beings. It is of eternal value to explore evolved sexual approaches and observe how these experiences begin to shape who you are, how you feel on an inner level, and your perception of each other and the world around you.

EXPRESSING FEELINGS IN THE PRESENT

In addition to keeping the past in the past by recognizing when emotion steps in, and experimenting with relaxing into sex to avoid adding emotions to those you already have, the art now becomes one of staying in touch with your feelings so that you can begin to feel what you are feeling. To keep love fresh and free of emotion it becomes essential to express feelings as they arise. Do not hang on to your feelings for an instant, unless you are in a hopelessly inappropriate situation. Move with the rising feeling and don’t let your mind talk you out of it. Allow tears to flow, laughter to erupt, and roars to unleash. Jump up and down, do something fast, and above all, do not repress feelings and in so doing form fresh emotions, which happens very quickly. Equally quickly, any sadness, pain, anger, or frustration, if fully lived as it is happening, will have a life span of about eight intense seconds, after which it is all over.

When you practice consciously expressing anger there are a few hard-and-fast golden rules that come with it, and these are not to be broken under any circumstances. If you feel anger, do not direct it onto your partner, even if your emotions are convincing you that she is at fault. Do not touch her or do anything to hurt her physically; do not even face her. Turn to face in the opposite direction, showing her your back; then let a deep roar emerge from your belly.

PERSONAL SHARING

Releasing the Roar

The first time I consciously allowed my anger to flow was unforgettable. In the very instant that I felt the rising anger for being blamed for something I did not do, I contacted a deep, roaring sound in my belly that was so powerful it shot me up into the air to virtually touch the ceiling, and this one was higher than most ceilings. By the time gravity pulled me back to terra firma a second or two later, it was all over. I felt no anger, no emotion, no resentment—nothing. I stepped back into the moment without hesitation, ready to continue relating, I felt liberated and refreshed.

When anger arises, welcome it, knowing that it is old tension within you that can be transformed. By expressing it you are released from its restrictive grip. Contacting feelings is a cleansing experience; energy that was locked up suddenly becomes available. When you express a feeling or transform an emotion into a feeling you feel lighter, expanded, and fresh; you’re more connected to your partner, open and soft, clear and radiant, even loving. Emotions bring the experience of quite opposite qualities: darkness and gloom, despair and collapse. The whole range of positive uplifting experiences arise when you share your feelings. (Learn more in
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
; see Recommended Books and Resources.)

HUMANS NEED LOVEMAKING FOR CONTINUED WELL-BEING

Relaxing into sex brings you into a state of being that is quite apart from the whole range of emotions. Through relaxation we reach a rare state in which our energy is regenerated, and we become suffused with peacefulness as opposed to frustration. As life force moves upward through the energy centers (chakras), it cleanses and purifies them and makes the inner-body experience increasingly dynamic and alive.

Contemporary women suffer from a mass of issues: extreme menstrual syndromes with hormonal ups and downs, poor self-esteem, fears of aging, menopausal anxieties, disappointment, and often disinterest in sex. At a certain point sex is considered by many women to be too much hard work with very little reward, and for this reason they abandon it.

For men the situation is equally dire. Until given the chance to enjoy the expansion of his sexual energy through direct experience, man cannot begin to imagine it. And since excitement and ejaculation are the only experiences he knows, it is not so easy to consider doing something differently. A man’s inability to channel his real life force can result in frustration, aggression, anger, restlessness, obsessive fantasizing about sex (both alone and during the act), and all types of sexual perversions.

When the life force circulates freely through man he finally feels himself as more of a man. At the end of a recent workshop a man said, “This is the first time in my life of fifty-four years that I have been given any insight or guidance on what it means to be a man.” And that was not the first time we’ve heard this. When a man knows how to use his sexual energy correctly, allowing it to expand throughout his body, the sense of self changes. Sex becomes less to do with the other or with getting something, and becomes more a way of valuing and loving oneself, of being with oneself. And in this frame woman is likely to be more interested in making love. With insight into our body mechanisms we are able to direct the sexual energy and be more in command of love and life. Man will be in wonder, even a bit awestruck to learn how the same elements—the penis and the vagina—can produce two such vastly different experiences.

MALE AUTHORITY THROUGH TAKING RESPONSIBLE ACTION

Many a man is interested in producing a peak orgasm for a woman because he believes it validates him as a lover, but this attitude has grave consequences for both men and women. Until a man can manage to fully satisfy one woman, he will never feel himself to be a true man, in spite of any other achievements and successes. The need for man to feel himself as masculine, for woman to feel herself as feminine, and for both to have orgasmic experiences through each other is a burning need for humanity today. Without the generative, spiritual, sexual expression, the human race will slowly die from love starvation.

Eliminating or reducing the usual orgasm-driven sex may sound like a loss, but this is truly responsible action on the part of a man. With responsibility you gain freedom, higher sexual experiences, and greater sexual fulfillment, and you transform from an emotional human into a loving human. You lift yourself out of the cycles of unconsciousness that have been going on between people for generations. Life changes its whole quality when the genitals are reserved to serve love, which is their higher purpose. Reproduction is the lower purpose of the sexual interaction. Through understanding the genitals anew and using them according to the inherent polarities embodied in male and female, it is possible to create love in the here and now, with the person you are with today. You learn to contain the energy, embrace it, expand with it, and melt into it.

When physical love reaches a refined level of exchange through polarity, love is generated as a tangible reality between a man and a woman. In being profoundly touched, woman connects with the source of her own love and showers man with her love, thereby completing the circuit of love and joy. Remember again and again: any level of awareness brought into sex will begin to create love; it is the awareness itself that transforms sex into love. Once again, it is not what we do but how we do it. Woman is love, this is the quintessence of her very soul; thus, love to her is as essential as food. She requires the opportunity to relax into her feminine nature and receive the contentment and regeneration of ecstatic experiences to sustain her life. The sincerity and willingness of both parties is clearly a contributing factor, but the responsibility also lies in the individual’s hands. Through cooperation in sex we can regain power and balance as male and female forces.

Tantric Inspiration

There is certainly something very similar in very different emotions: the overwhelmingness. It may be love, it may be hate, it may be anger—it can be anything. If it is too much then it gives you a sense of being overwhelmed by something. Even pain and suffering can create the same experience, but overwhelmingness has no value in itself. It simply shows you are an emotional being. This is typically the indication of an emotional personality. When it is anger, it is all anger. And when it is love, it is all love. It almost becomes drunk with the emotion, blind. And whatever action comes out of it is wrong. Even if it is overwhelming love, the action that will come out of it is not going to be right.

Reduced to its base, whenever you are overwhelmed by any emotion you lose all reason, you lose all sensitivity, you lose your heart in it. It becomes almost like a dark cloud in which you are lost. Then whatever you do is going to be wrong. Love is not to be a part of your emotions. Ordinarily that’s what people think and experience, but anything overwhelming is very unstable. It comes like a wind and passes by, leaving you behind, empty, shattered, in sadness and in sorrow.

According to those who know man’s whole being—his mind, his heart, and his being—love has to be an expression of your being, not an emotion. Emotion is very fragile, very changing. One moment it seems that is all. Another moment, you are simply empty. So the first thing to do is take love out of this crowd of overwhelming emotions.

Love is not overwhelming. On the contrary, love is a tremendous insight, clarity, sensitivity, awareness. But that kind of love rarely exists, because very few people ever reach to their being.

OSHO, TRANSCRIBED TEACHINGS,
OM SHANTIH SHANTIH SHANTIH

PERSONAL SHARING

Tantric Sex Completely Changed My Life

It is unbelievable how much has changed in the past months since the “Making Love” retreat. When I think about what has happened to me, tears start running and I am infinitely grateful for these experiences and for this gift in my life. Again and again, I am confused and I keep thinking: “This can’t be true. I am for sure on some sort of trip.” But the trip does not seem to end. For the very first time in my life, I realize that I have treated my body badly and that I can stop this without effort from one moment to the other. The physical symptoms that come up are so strong that the beautiful sensation of having an orgasm is nothing compared to it. It is good to know the price I pay for a beautiful orgasm, and that I have the choice to pay it or not. Usually I do not feel like being totally worn out for two or three days due to having had an orgasm. So many big and small things have happened that I have for sure forgotten some of them.

Most importantly, my partner and I have come closer than ever before. Emotional moments have become more and more rare. We love to spend very, very much time with each other and have a hard time not being in each other’s presence. That has been different in the past. We had moved into a bigger flat just because we could not stand living together without each of us having a room of our own. Now we have reorganized the flat and the single rooms have become a shared bedroom and office. This way we can always be in each other’s presence and feel the love flowing back and forth.

My encounters with people are different. My heart is open. In the past I took a long time to develop trust in someone. This now happens much more swiftly. My connections are less language-oriented. I don’t like talking as much as I did; I prefer to be simply here, feeling inside of me and perceiving what is happening. A lot of talking is strenuous for me and takes me away from myself. Whenever I used to meet a woman, an inner movie was going on: “We could have sex with each other. Do I want her? Does she want sex with me? But I have a girlfriend. Bummer!” Now when I meet a woman I feel that my heart is open, that everything is okay, that I can talk with her and feel good. I have no need for sex as my imagination used to suggest. I encounter the person in a way that has not been possible for me before. I really see her, instead of avoiding her in a way. Of course this does not always happen, but more and more often.