Take it All (Blinded by Love) (49 page)

She laid there for a few minutes before she finally made up her mind. She took a deep breath and dialed Caleb’s number, sucking in a breath as she listened to the line ringing. It rang five times before voicemail picked it up and her ears welcomed his smooth, comforting voice before she finally spoke,

“Hi, it’s me,” she began softly, wiping the tears away, feeling extremely exposed and afraid of what to say, “I, um... I talked to your sister and mom, they told me what happened– Caleb,” she paused, sighing and clearing her throat, “I wish you would have told me, instead of lying about it and hiding it from me and everyone else. I’m worried about you... call me, please; call me as soon as you get this. I love you, Caleb, that hasn’t changed.” She hung up and dropped her phone on her bed not feeling any better than before she made the call. She didn’t know if he would listen to it or just ignore it all together.

Heartbroken at everything she learned, she rolled to her side, and pulled her pillow closer, cuddling it as she let the tears silently fall. She wondered where he was, if he was okay, if he was sleeping in a bed for the night or in his car, and if he was thinking about her. She couldn’t help but think she wasn’t going to hear from him ever again, that Sunday would end up being their last day together and she would have to move on without proper closure. But moving on wasn’t something she was going to do or even consider unless he called her and told her they were done and he wasn’t coming back, ever. Until then she was holding onto hope, even if it was the smallest amount, it was something and she planned on grasping it until there was nothing left to grasp.

From the moment Haley called, her world teetered and now it felt like someone had picked it up and spun it. She didn’t know what to do, where to go, what to think– nothing, everything just felt like it was slipping away from her and panic was starting to set in with the fear she wouldn’t be able to get a handle on everything she needed before it all crashed around her. She knew this was in no way the beginning, and the painful twist in her gut told her it was also far from being over, that before things could possibly get better, they would have to get worse and she wasn’t sure how much worse they could get; but something in her gut told her she would be finding out soon.

As her eyes started to flutter shut, she realized not only did she find out her boyfriend had relapsed back to using cocaine again and that he could be anywhere out there doing God only knows what, but she also missed the winning goal that secured her boys a spot in the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

Lennox spent all day Thursday waiting for a call or a text–anything to tell her Caleb was okay but nothing came and she spent the day putting a fake smile on, acting as if everything in the world was perfect and she couldn’t be happier; when in reality she felt like she was going crazy as her grasp on things felt as if it were slipping away. She avoided her friends, telling them she wasn’t feeling well and spent the day sleeping and resting so she would be okay for the concert and that she would try and text them later. That night Lennox put herself to bed the same way as the night before; curling up with her pillow and holding it close to her as the tears streamed down her face and onto her pillow as her heart continued to break until she passed out only to be woken a few hours later.

It was just after three in the morning when Lennox woke up groggy and completely disoriented to the sound of her cell phone buzzing next to her ear, the same spot she had kept it since Monday. Still half asleep, her hand felt around beside her until she found her cell and answered it.

“Hello,” she mumbled, with her eyes still closed as she tried not to fall back asleep.

“Lox, it’s me,” Caleb’s voice said, sounding urgent over the phone.

Lennox’s eyes popped open then she scrambled to a sitting position as she said, “Caleb, you okay?”

He sighed, “Yeah Lox, I’m good, sorry for waking you.”

“No, it’s okay, I’m glad you did. Where are you?” she asked, rubbing her hand over her forehead.

“I’m at a shelter for the night. I got your message and just wanted to call and let you know I’m okay.”

“Thank God, but why so late?”

“My battery died. I was able to find a charger but it only gave a little charge. So, I gotta get going, before my battery dies completely,” he paused and she listened as he finishing up a smoke, “I’ll call you when I can get it charged, but I don’t know when that’ll be.”

“Okay,” she said, painfully disappointed, not wanting to hang up, “Um, Emerson said he’d go to the concert with me Friday.”

“Okay, why is
he
taking you?” he asked, confused and taken aback.

“Well I wasn’t sure what was going on with everything, with you or with us, so when he called I mentioned it and he said not to worry, that he’d go with me so the tickets didn’t go to waste.” She hoped he wasn’t mad and was thinking she wanted to go with Emerson, because as much as she liked him, she wanted to go with Caleb and no one else. She wanted to hear Caleb tell her to tell Emerson not to worry, that he was still going with her and that everything was going to be okay; she needed reassurance and she needed it from Caleb.

“Call him in the morning and tell him thanks but you don’t need him to go with you,” he said.

Lennox’s stomach clenched as she anxiously questioned, “Why?”

“I bought the tickets for us, so we’ll go together,” he said in a rush, “But Lennox, I have to go. I’ll shoot you a text on where to meet when I get my phone charged.”

“Okay,” she said softly, lying back down on her side and facing her window. “Caleb?”

“What’s up?”

She hesitated with what she wanted to say. He wasn’t acting like himself, he didn’t sound like he normally did when they talked; his tone was slightly sharper and he hadn’t called her anything other than Lox, which to Lennox was a big deal and the more she started to think about it, she realized he hadn’t called her Dove in a while and she couldn’t help but wonder why.

“Lennox, what’s up– battery, remember?”

She sighed and shook her head even though he couldn’t see. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” she said, the sadness not only in her voice but over her entire body as she sat on her bed with her knees pulled up to her chest as she bit her lip.

“Okay, if you’re sure. I’ll text you tomorrow to let you know where we can meet,” he said, sounding on edge and she could tell he didn’t want to be on the phone with her any longer.

She released her lip from her teeth. “Okay, love you.” She could hear him on the line still, as if her words froze him, and reminded him who he was talking to, reminding him that she was still there, that she still wanted him and that she still in fact loved him.

“You too,” he said in a low whisper before the line went dead and Lennox was left with her cell phone to her ear listening to nothing but dead air.

Finally after a few moments, her arm lowered with her cell phone in tow and she reached over to her nightstand and set it on top before she curled back up in the position she had fallen asleep in with the pillow held tightly close to her.

The concert was in sixteen hours. She was going to see Caleb in sixteen hours and she had no idea what to expect from him or how he was going to act towards her. She had a hunch why he sounded so different on the phone, why he wanted off as quickly as possible, and why he seemed so distant; it was because of the drugs. She knew deep down that him having been kicked out and shown tough love then having to sleep in a shelter wasn’t going to change anything; she wished it would but she knew Caleb. And after seeing how he was when it came to his next hit and how he couldn’t get clean for her, she knew there was no way being succumbed to a shelter was going to do the trick. There had to be something else, something she could do to help him. Lying in bed she began to think of a way to save her boyfriend; without him needing to hit rock bottom.

When Lennox began to fall back asleep, her nerves were already starting to creep up on her. As her body began to relax an idea formed in her mind; one she hadn’t thought of and one that may just save the love of her life from hitting rock bottom. Her eyes snapped open to the darkness that surrounded her in her room. There was a part of her that wondered if rock bottom was really what he needed, that maybe he was too afraid or proud to ask for help; that he wanted to turn to her but thought she was too mad or hated him for once again lying to her. But she wouldn’t have turned him away, she would do anything for him; anything to get him on the road to recovery and off the downward spiral he was about to embark on.

She spent the rest of the night looking between her clock and window, going over what the concert would be like, what seeing him would be like, if he was going to be high. She wondered if he would actually want to be there with her or if he was just saying he would because it was what she wanted and he knew it, and if she asked him to come stay with her would he or would he make an excuse to leave. She had no idea how to prepare herself; she didn’t know if she should go there pretending to be happy, forcing a smile as if nothing was wrong when what she wanted to do was beat her fists against his chest and tell him to give it up already. If he couldn’t do that, she needed to tell him to walk away from her because no matter what, she couldn’t be the one to do it.

It all stemmed back to that day in February when he walked into the cafe looking as good as he did; the jeans, the converses, the leather jacket, everything; it all screamed trouble to her and he wore it better than anyone she had ever known. When he turned around and she took him in; his build, the attitude he emitted, the way he carried himself; it screamed bad boy and she was ready to leave until their eyes met and he was no longer trouble or that bad boy; he was the boy with the pretty blue eyes she had been in love with since she was a little girl. She had always loved his eyes, from back when they were kids; they were always bright and vibrant, full of life and excitement. She was always jealous of them, envious and stricken by wonderment in their beauty; believing they were unique and saw the world differently than everyone else.

She wished she could see that now when she looked back at them but she couldn’t, not as of late and not when she saw him for the concert. If anything, they would be dark and the size of dimes, haunting her when she looked back into them but like times before she wouldn’t look away from them; the vibrant azures were there hidden deep under a thick layer of dark cloudy glass, created by extensive use of cocaine. She wanted them back; she wanted them back more than anything but most of all she wanted Caleb back.

Before she knew it, the numbers on her clock flashed six o’clock and there was no way she was going to get any sleep. She felt exhausted, her head foggy and her stomach in knots that twisted and pulled on her insides making her stomach clench and spasm as she threw her covers back and bolted to the bathroom and released her stomach full of bile. As she cleaned up and brushed her teeth she tried to remember the last time she ate anything, ate an actual meal and she couldn’t remember. It had been at least two days since she put more than a yogurt or candy bar in her system. Looking at herself in the mirror she didn’t know the girl looking back at her. Her once bright golden eyes were dull, bloodshot and sunken in with dark bags under them; her face looked thinner as well as pale and she had looked like she dropped at least five pounds.

She gathered her hair in an elastic and tied it loosely on top of her head and sighed as she still looked at herself, “So,” she whispered under her breath, “if this is what being foolishly in love with a drug dealing addict does to a person, I fit right in.” She stood there a few minutes looking at herself, taking in everything that looked different and wondered if anyone else noticed the change. If she could pick out all the changes, she wondered if her parents could see it, or her friends. But more importantly would Caleb see what his drug use was doing, what the toxicity of their relationship was doing to her and if he did, did it bother or worry him at all.

Flipping her light off, she left her bathroom and crawled back into bed, grabbing her cell phone beforehand. Lying on her side she scrolled through her phone book looking for the newly added number and dialed before placing the phone to her ear and listening to it ring as she sucked her bottom lip between her teeth.

“Who the hell is callin’ me at–” he paused and she could hear him moving around before he snapped, “six fuckin’ thirty in the mornin’?”

Her lip released as she rushed, “I’m sorry, I thought you’d be up for work, I didn’t mean to wake–”

“Lennox?” he cut her off, sounding perplexed and surprised.

“Yeah, Em, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you,” she said quickly, embarrassed and just wanting to tell him why she called and then hang up.

“No, it’s okay, everythin’ alright?” he said, the words not out of his mouth before a yawn cut off the latter.

“Yeah, I think so; Caleb called me last night– well early this morning I should say.”

“He alright?” Emerson asked, sounding remorseful and worried.