Take it All (Blinded by Love) (48 page)

Lennox was lying on her bed Wednesday night, with her head at the end, and watching her boys play hockey. She hadn’t been watching much since she started seeing Caleb and missed it, especially since they were playing in a game that if they won they would, without a doubt, make the playoffs. She normally watched the game with her dad but he was working at the station because Joy had called in sick and mom had packed him up a dinner and took it down to him.

With her feet kicking back and forth in the air, she looked at her cell phone for the umpteenth time, and groaned as she tossed it back down, dropping her head to her mattress; it had been fifty sum hours since she had seen or spoken to Caleb and she had no idea why. She had called him Monday but got no answer as well as when she texted him and thought she’d wake up to a message from him but there had been nothing, so she waited. Working all day Tuesday, she waited to hear from him, even checking her phone to make sure it was working and receiving calls properly but nothing came through from him. And she was beginning to feel anxious and worried that something happened.

Her boys were tied and heading into overtime, needing the win to have a playoff spot when her cell phone started to ring next to her, making her jump and grab it, assuming it was Caleb.

“Hello?” she said more rushed than she intended.

“Lennox,” Haley’s urgent voice sounded through the phone, sending a chill over Lennox’s body as she pushed herself up into a sitting position knowing something wasn’t right.

“Hales, what’s going on?” Her stomach twisted and pulled as it knotted over and over as nausea rolled through her and her heart squeezed in her chest as she heard Haley’s words,

“It’s Caleb,” she pulled in a shaky breath, “when was the last time you spoke to him?”

“I stayed over Sunday, we spent the day together and I woke up he had already left for work, why?” she questioned warily.

“He hasn’t been home since then and...” Haley said sadly and trailed off.

“And– Haley– is he okay, did something happen?” the words rushed out of her mouth in a panic as she felt her world slightly teeter.

“Yeah, something happened... he didn’t go to work, Lennox, there was no work. He went to that new job one day and got fired half way through the day because he got caught doing drugs in his car and on work property.”

“I... I don’t understand,” Lennox began, not knowing how to begin to process what Haley had told her, “I saw him Sunday, I had my suspicions and asked him, he said he wasn’t– he
promised
me he wasn’t– are you sure? He’s been sick the last week.”

“We’re sure Lennox, we’ve been going through this for awhile. It’s what drug addicts are good at– lying and manipulating people around them– even the ones they say they love the most; they can’t help it.” Her voice was sad and defeated; Lennox knew she had been through this with Caleb before and could now imagine what she was feeling.

“How, when did all this come out?” she asked, dazed as she looked straight ahead at her television not seeing what was on the screen.

“Tonight, well today. Emerson called my parents when he stopped by his work to see if he was there because he hadn’t been home. They told him he didn’t work there, that he got let go his first day but wouldn’t tell him why. So he called my dad and he got in touch with the shop manager who told him he caught Caleb doing cocaine in his car and had to let him go,” Haley said without emotion to her voice.

“Where’s he been going then if not to work?”

“Mom and dad went over there a little while ago with Emerson. He didn’t want to be the only one there when or if Caleb came home because he was afraid he’d kill him and they– having had dealt with it before– would know what to do,” she paused, and Lennox heard her take a deep breath, “then Caleb came home.”

“Hales, please,” she said, shamelessly begging her to continue because she needed to hear it all, everything; she needed to know every detail.

“It was obvious,
very
obvious that he had been on... a binge. He lied to them when they asked where he was, he said at work and they told him they knew he wasn’t working, that he got fired for using on the property. He tried to deny even that until dad told him he talked to his boss who confirmed it. Every time he left for work, most days he parked his car somewhere and slept, other days... well I’m sure you could guess.”

Lennox’s eyes closed as they began to burn and fill with tears; tears of anger, hurt, a broken heart, fear and disappointment. As they began to fall she whispered, “With mutual cocaine friends.”

“Oh, Lennox, I know what you’re feeling right now, I know the pain that’s swirling inside you; that you don’t know whether to be pissed off or not, whether to hate him even though you love him.” Lennox swiped at the tears that were falling without control, clouding her vision completely. “It’s normal for everything to be a mess inside your head as you try to understand but... until you’re an addict– you’ll never understand their motives and reasoning’s.”

Lennox cleared her throat as the tears fell freely, “Where is he?”

“I don’t know. Mom and dad gave him an ultimatum, to either get help or leave because it’s not fair for Emerson to have to put up with it anymore and he turned around and left. Just like that, he walked out the door and hopped in his car and took off.” Lennox could hear faint voices in the background but didn’t get a change to say anything when Haley continued, “Mom arranged for him to stay at a shelter for the night but we don’t know if he actually went or not.”

“I just don’t understand, Haley. We went to NA meetings, I gave him an ultimatum of me or the drugs; he
promised
,” she choked out through a sob, “he promised he wasn’t using, I don’t understand.”

“Lennox, hold on, okay,” Haley said softly, “She’s hurting, I think you need to talk to her.” Haley’s voice mumbled to someone who was close by who took the phone.

“Lennox,” Caleb’s mom’s voice sounded through the phone, sounding gentle and sympathetic. “What Haley said is right, I know it’s hard and you don’t understand but we’ve been through this with Caleb before, more times than I’d like to admit, but he never intended to get clean.”

“What– he didn’t?” Lennox’s raspy voice asked.

“He may have said he would but he had no intentions, because he doesn’t want to get clean. And you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. You can offer help but until they accept that they need it or until they come to you asking for it, it’s pointless. The only thing we have left to give to Caleb is tough love and unfortunately, hoping he hits rock bottom.”

“Rock bottom?”

“Yeah, until he falls so far down he has nowhere else to go– the lowest of the low, and until that happens the only thing he cares about is when he can get high again and how he can get his fix ,” Johanna sighed, her voice full of exhaustion. “There’s only so many times you can offer help only to find out he didn’t use it and it was just another lie. It’s something Caleb has become so accustomed to, that he doesn’t know what lies he’s told or even what’s true and what’s a lie anymore.”

“Mrs. Kingston?” Lennox asked, hesitantly.

“Yes, Lennox.”

“What will make him hit rock bottom?” Nothing but fear loomed inside her at what Caleb would go through until he hit the bottom and what would make him fall so far to the bottom and if he would make it out.

“I don’t know, it could be anything that creates a state of crisis– not being able to find money to buy drugs, having no place to sleep at night, unable to remember what lie he told and to who. I think then, once he can’t answer those questions, and he has nowhere to go, a state of crisis will begin and the emotions will become overwhelming and...”

“Rock bottom,” she cut in and finished her sentence.

“Yes.”

“What happens when he hits rock bottom?”

Johanna sighed heavily through the phone, “We’ll help him though it. We may have turned on the tough love, unable to do anything right now but when– if– he hits bottom we’ll all be there for him,” she said firmly, full of confidence and Lennox wasn’t sure if it was directed at him getting to rock bottom or not; she couldn’t tell but she hoped it was confidence in Caleb coming out of it all and beginning recovery.

“Thanks Mrs. Kingston,” Lennox said, her tears finally subsided but she could feel them beginning to build up as a small lump formed in her scratchy throat. “If you hear anything, could you please have Haley call me?”

“Of course, we’ll be in touch Lennox,” she said then disconnected leaving Lennox on the empty line with her cell phone still attached to her ear.

Lennox dropped her cell phone on her bed as she fell back into her pile of pillows behind her. She was numb and baffled, having no idea how, for almost the whole month she went without knowing he was using again, regardless of her suspicions. Because they were just that, suspicions made of fear that he would relapse when he already had and she failed to actually see it.

She felt stupid and blind that she was with him on Sunday and she had over looked everything, never noticing anything. She was firm on looking for all the signs because he promised her and looked completely desirable sitting there next to her, their lips so close that his word was good enough for her to believe him, making it so easy to throw keeping an eye on his behaviour out the window.

The sound of her cell phone filled her silent room and her hand darted across and grabbed it, looking at her screen to see a number she didn’t recognize flashing across her screen. Her heart rate spiked as she shot up to a sitting position and answered with a quick and raspy, “Hello?”

“Lennox,” he said, his normally deeper voice sounding quiet and gentle.

“Hi Emerson,” she said, a pang of disappointment of it not being Caleb hit her and she fell back into her pillows.

“Haley called me, told me you know ‘bout Kingston, said you could probably use someone to talk to,” he paused, sounding like he was moving around, “I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I needed to be sure that I wasn’t jumpin’ the gun on this.”

“No it’s okay, I understand,” she said genuinely.

“Good, need to chat?”

“Em... I’m so... I don’t get it, I really don’t get it,” she exasperated, knowing she could talk to him better than Johanna. “Was everything a lie, everything he told me when it came to us, was our relationship a lie?”

“No,” he answered firmly, “I can tell you, what Caleb feels for you and your whole damn relationship was– is– the real fuckin’ deal. I saw it, Reed saw it, fuck his whole family saw it, so don’t doubt that, you gotta hold on to that tight.”

“I’m so... confused.” She swallowed the lump she felt, as the tears rushed to her eyes and she couldn’t hold them back or blink them away as they rushed down her cheek, leaving small drops on her pillow.

“I wish I could explain it to ya, but I can’t explain somethin’ I myself don’t know,” he said, and she heard the familiar blowing of air come from his side. “It’s the way of an addict I guess.”

“You smoke?” she asked taken back, unsure if she had ever seen him smoke around her before.

“I quit, just after you and Kingston got together,” she heard the smoke between his lips as he took a drag, “but just recently– as in right now– started up again.” He blew the rest of the smoke out.

Lennox rolled over and her eyes found the small calendar on her nightstand and looking at the date it dawned on her, “Shit,” she muttered under her breath.

“What’s wrong?”

“Caleb bought concert tickets for Friday, and now I have no idea if he’s going to go or even if we’re... you know, and I was really looking forward to it.” She closed her eyes wishing she could just forget about the concert and everything all together and curl into a ball and never leave her bed.

“I’ll take you,” he offered.

Her eyes opened slowly, “You will?”

“Of course; you may be Kingston’s girlfriend but we’ve bonded, so I’d be happy to take my friend to a concert,” he said, and she could hear the smile in his voice.

She forced a small smile even though she was filled with nothing but disappointment that they wouldn’t be enjoying the concert together, like they were supposed to. “Thanks Emerson.”

“Sure thing, Lennox, if you need anything– anything at all– you have my number, call me,” he said, meaning every word and she knew he meant it.

“Thanks Em, I’ll call you tomorrow about the concert,” she said, pulling herself up and off the bed, “and thanks for checking up on me.” She walked to her window and looked out into the almost dark night.

“Anytime Lennox,” he said then the line went dead and she clutched her cell phone in her hand tightly.

Her stomach had started rolling and she didn’t know how much longer she would last before she finally turned from her window and ran into her bathroom and released the bile that rushed up her throat. Flushing the toilet she then rinsed her mouth out and started brushing her teeth. It was then, as she spit her mouthful of toothpaste into her sink that she looked at herself in the mirror and everything hit at once. She finished up then looked at herself once more, “Fuck,” she muttered, shaking her head as she left her bathroom then changed into a pair of comfortable pyjama’s and crawled into bed with her cell phone close by.