Student of Kyme (22 page)

‘
I see that you are,’ I said. I was waiting for the
accusation. Perhaps he would beg or plead with me to release him
from this curse. Perhaps there would be anger.

‘
I might be a pioneer,’ he said weakly. ‘They think this might
be the end for us. We don’t know. But then, I am young by harish
standards. There are others far older than me… can this be
death?’

‘
I don’t think it’s that,’ I said.

He
smiled, not looking at me. ‘We shall see. But still, there are
things that must be said. I have to make peace with myself, just in
case.’

‘
I will listen.’

He
gestured for me to sit at the end of the bed and I did
so.

‘
You must understand,’ he said, ‘that when I met you I had
already made up my mind as to how I wanted my life to be. You were
an inconvenience, Gesaril. I thought I’d reached a safe place, but
then there was you. It wasn’t your fault. I couldn’t help myself. I
wanted to help you, set you on a strong path, but then I wanted to
be with you also. I just couldn’t admit it, because I believed I
was happy. As far as I was concerned, my life was
complete.’

‘
And so you tortured me for it.’

He closed
his eyes briefly. ‘Not intentionally.’

‘
You lied to save yourself and your safe life. You threw me
away.’

‘
Yes. I did those things. I didn’t want to be…’ He swallowed.
‘I didn’t want to be this isolated creature. I wanted what Jassenah
could provide for me. I thought it was right. But then the dehara
sent you to tempt me, and I failed. If there was a message, it was
telling me that a life of chesnari and harling was not for me, but
I wouldn’t listen.’

‘
It could have been so simple,’ I said. ‘You didn’t have to
encourage me, or say those things to me. You could have sent me
away. Then everything would have been like it had been. Only you
waited until you’d torn me to bits, before you turned your back on
me.’

‘
If I’d sent you away,’ he said, ‘that would only have fed the
situation. I felt that I had to let the feelings run their course.
I was sure that they would burn themselves out. If you’d left too
early, I would have yearned for your presence, and I might have
come for you. It seemed better to me to allow the situation to play
out in Jesith.’

‘
That was my heart you were “playing out”,’ I said. ‘My
mind.’

‘
I know,’ he said. ‘I know that now. At the time, I was simply
too consumed with my own feelings. I was actually scared. It made
me act irrationally.’

‘
In all of that, you forgot me,’ I said. ‘That’s almost
funny.’

‘
When you love somehar, and you really don’t want to, the
feelings become twisted,’ he said. ‘You start to resent that har,
blame him. It is easier that way.’

‘
So why did you come here? Was it to finish me off? The final
act of resentment?’

‘
I thought enough time had passed.’

‘
It would never be enough.’

Ysobi
sighed deeply, closed his eyes briefly. ‘I see that now.’ Then he
looked at me again. ‘We can’t be together, Ges. We never could.
That is the tragedy.’

‘
I know.’ I paused. ‘Why say all this to me now? Is it just
because you think you are dying?’

‘
Mainly, yes. I’ve lain here and thought about many things. In
the midst of my fevers, I saw you here, and you were kind. I don’t
for one moment expect that kindness in reality. You have every
reason to resent me as much as I resent you – this inconvenient
love!’

‘
Isn’t part of being har the fact we transcend what our
teachers tell us are petty human emotions? How can love ever be
inconvenient or wrong?’

‘
That is for you to find out,’ he said. ‘For me, I am trapped
in the past, despite my training, and all that I’ve
experienced.’

‘
Love is not just about possession, though. Are we not free to
love, with nothing beyond it?’

He closed
his eyes briefly. ‘Oh, Gesaril... Gesaril… is there any such thing?
Can we love without wanting to possess the object of our
affections? It is a madness.’

‘
All I ever wanted from you was acknowledgement,’ I said. ‘If
you had just said the truth to me once, it would have been hard,
but I’d have been able to accept it. If you could have told me how
you felt but that you’d made the choice to stand by the life you
wanted, I would have accepted it in time. What I could not, and
cannot, accept is the way you sacrificed me to preserve yourself.
You couldn’t let me go, yet you pushed me away constantly, as if I
was on an elastic string. You could throw me far away, yet I’d be
drawn back inexorably. That does not speak of love to me, however
inconvenient, merely selfishness. Do you have any idea what it did
to me?’

‘
Tell me,’ he said. ‘You have that right.’

‘
I don’t really want to any more. I think this is
enough.’

‘
Do you forgive me?’

‘
No. I could lie, like you do, and say that I have, but I
don’t want to do that either. I think perhaps it is too soon.
Everyhar would tell me that forgiveness is sacred and in giving it
I’d rise above the whole sorry mess, but it’s not what I feel. I’ll
never forget you, but I’ll never forgive you either.’ I paused. ‘At
least that’s how I feel now.’

Ysobi
turned his head on the pillow, stared out of the window. ‘I don’t
blame you for that. Be honest with your feelings, Gesaril.
Always.’

I
couldn’t help but laugh. ‘Is that more of your teaching? How can
you think you can teach others, when you are so messed up yourself?
You are the hienama who hara respect and trust. Hara send their
sons to you for tuition. What are you passing on to
them?’

Ysobi
turned his head to look at me again and smiled weakly. ‘You might
not believe it, but I’ve asked myself that. One thing this has
taught me is that I still have a lot to learn. I suppose I must
thank you for that.’

I shook
my head. I felt this conversation was pointless. What was done was
done. There was still so much to be said, perhaps, but at that
time, I hadn’t the heart for it. I stood up. ‘I’m going now. If
it’s any comfort, I think you will get better, Ysobi. I think
you’ve brought this illness on yourself. Those twisted feelings
turned against you. Now you have spoken the truth, now you are
free. Return to Jesith and that life you wanted so badly. You are
lucky that it is still there waiting for you.’

‘
What will you do?’ he asked me.

‘
I have yet to find my safe place,’ I said. ‘And perhaps
that’s not what I want, anyway. The universe is immense; I like to
think there’s more to our existence than a chesnari and a harling
in a cosy little community. But that’s your choice. I wish you best
with it.’

I had
been granted what I thought I wanted. I’d said my piece and could
walk away with dignity intact. Sometimes, at the end of all
conflict, all we can hope for is dignity.

That
night I dreamed of Merim. He came to me and said, ‘What you have
bidden is done. The Gallatu have flown, the Mahallatu have ridden
upon the winds. We found the truth you sought and cut it free with
our weapons.’

I thanked
him. ‘You are free to go now, Merim. Your work is done.’

He
hesitated. ‘There is only one last thing. I have this for
you.’

He
brought forth from a pocket of his jacket a slim object wrapped in
dark silk. I took it and unwrapped it. I held a beautiful severed
hand, the wrist delicate, the fingers long, tapered and artistic.
It was Ysobi’s hand. ‘I cannot take this,’ I said.

Merim
shrugged. ‘It is supposed to come to you. That’s all I know. My
obligations are complete.’

‘
But…’

‘
What you choose to do with it is your choice alone.’ He bowed
to me. ‘Farewell, Gesaril har Kyme. May be the dehara be with you
upon your path.’

When he
was gone, I stared at the hand. It was warm, supple, as if alive. I
held the wrist to my lips and kissed it, in the place where the
skin is thinnest.

In my
dreamscape, I climbed a grassy mountain that overlooked a valley
where there was a lake. The sun was beginning to rise above the
peaks in the east. I held Ysobi’s hand high, as if it were an
extension of myself, reaching for the heavens. Then I hurled it
from me, into the lake far below.

In the
morning, before Huriel was awake, I went to see Iscane at his
apartment, and told him everything. We sat in his dining area, and
he listened without commenting. At the end of it, he pulled me to
him and held me close. The contact made me weep. For some minutes,
we sat like that as I let the feelings pour out of me. Was I
cleansed?

‘
One thing concerns me,’ Iscane said. He pushed me away from
him, but held on to my shoulders. ‘Even though you threw the hand
away, the lake where it lies is yours, deep within you. I think
perhaps – not yet, but in time – you must retrieve it and give it
back to Ysobi.’

I nodded.
‘It is all that I have left of him, but yes, you’re right.’ I
sighed. ‘This has been a hard lesson, Iscane. I wondered why it
happened to me, why so many bad things happened to me. I still
don’t really know. But one thing I do know for sure is that I can
never live a lie. I can never retreat from life into what is safe
and secure, scorning anything that is dangerous, adventurous or…
alive. I could have done that with Malakess too. He could have been
my Jassenah.’

‘
Don’t write to Jassenah again,’ Iscane said.

‘
I won’t.’ I paused. ‘He’ll be on his way here...’

‘
To take Ysobi away,’ Iscane said. ‘Don’t think of it...’ He
took hold of my hands, shook them a little. ‘I think… we need to
plan some adventures. As you’ve said, the world lies before us.
There is so much to discover. If you’re going to write to anyhar, I
suggest it’s your friend, Sabarah. We could go to Immanion, if only
for a short while, and see what we find there.’

I nodded.
‘That’s a good idea. I’ll do it today.’

By the
time I returned home, Huriel had already gone back up to the Ivy
House. I had no doubt that he would find Ysobi greatly improved.
Soon, Jassenah would arrive in Kyme, or maybe they would send Ysobi
back to Jesith before that. Perhaps the two of them would meet half
way on the road. As Jassenah threw himself against the har he
loved, would Ysobi hesitate for just a moment before returning the
embrace? I would never know. And as Iscane would have advised,
there was no point wondering about it.

I went to
the library and began to compose a letter to Sabarah. Chrysm had
also once said I should go to Immanion. I carefully suggested to
Sabarah that he should speak to Chrysm about it; see if there was
some job, if only temporary, that Iscane and I could do. I didn’t
want to go alone. The whole idea was too overwhelming. But going to
Immanion with Iscane appealed to me. We’d have each other, just as
friends. We could do whatever we wanted to do.

Once I’d
written the letter, I sat and stared out of the window. Had I
really cut myself free from Ysobi? If so, I knew it wouldn’t be an
instant recovery for me, but at least, whatever happened, I was
sure a road of healing lay ahead. The gate to the shining path had
opened for me. I was no longer pressed up against the unyielding
slats, yearning to pass through.

Was that
the end of it? Who can tell? I have been in Immanion for a few
years now, and part of me still hopes to see that tall shape in a
crowd. In my dreams, Ysobi is free – of his ties, of his own
weaknesses - and comes to me. I never did give his hand back to
him. I am sure that for some reason, we were meant to meet, but the
circumstances and timing were all wrong. I still wonder why it
happened to me, or how I could have let it happen to me, when for
so much of the time I was fully aware of the folly and toxicity of
the situation. The lessons of life are harsh, and sometimes their
meaning is not clear for many years.

Two days
ago, I was walking in the Lionstar Park, in western Immanion. I go
there often to think, although nowadays my thoughts are mostly
about my work – the creative projects that Chrysm has appointed me
to oversee. It was early in the morning, before breakfast, and a
mist from the sea hugged the grass. I came to the central lake,
which is surrounded by raised ornamental rocks, where benches have
been set, so that hara can rest there to watch the black swans that
glide across the water. Somehar sat alone upon one of the benches.
At the sight of this figure, I was momentarily annoyed, since I
wanted to be alone, but as I drew nearer I saw that it was somehar
I knew. Or rather, who I thought I knew. He was gazing upon the
misty water, his chin upon his hands, his elbows resting upon his
knees. My Nagini spirit. I paused upon the path and held my breath,
sure that too strong an exhalation would somehow make him
evaporate. But then, clearly sensing my presence, he turned his
head towards me. The har was of the Nagini, it was clear, but
perhaps I didn’t know him at all.

I was
compelled to speak. ‘Were you in Kyme once, tiahaar?’