Struggling Free (Hidden Secrets Book 5) (15 page)

“Woman,
you mean to tell me that pretty much every meal you’ve cooked has been take out?” My dad asked, shocked.

She
smiled. “While the kids were here, yes, but not since they’ve been gone.”

Now
everyone around the table laughed because even Dad had no clue. Once the meal finished, we all started walking toward the living room. Mom stopped us in the hall.

“I
have a surprise for my beautiful grandchildren. Go to the backyard and see.”

Sebastian,
Atreyu, Ella, and EJ ran to the back door. We all followed. I already knew what waited in the backyard. After all it was Dad and I that built it.  The older kids screamed with excitement when they saw the two story custom clubhouse and swing set in the backyard. It was almost just like a house, but not as tall. Dad had a friend come by and install a working toilet and sink in there. Mom wants campouts, but she’s too anal to go camping so this was her solution.

We
watched the kids play. Colbie was damn cute. She was just bouncing around out there the smallest of the bunch. No matter how many times she fell down, she never cried and always got back up. Definitely Carson’s daughter, that’s for sure.

My
attention was soon drawn to Kylee. She was unusually quiet. As I watched her now she seemed upset. Making my way over to her, I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and squeezed.

“Hey
Ky, what’s up? It’s not like you to be this quiet.”

“I
couldn’t believe it. How could she do that to you?” She mumbled angrily.

“Who
do what to me?” I asked, confused.

“Vicky,”
she hissed.

My
body stiffened. “What did she do? When did you see her?”

“I
saw her today when I went to meet a client on designing his home. He brought his girlfriend along. Guess who his girlfriend was?”

My
heart tightened in my chest. “Vicky,” I whispered.

“The
worst part is, she’s pregnant.”

Pregnant?
Before I even realized that I was moving, I was already heading out the front door. Jumping in my car, I drove directly to Vicky’s cabin. The drive was long, but it allowed me to calm myself down a bit before I arrived. Once I pulled into her driveway, I feared what I would find.

If
she was pregnant, could it be mine? Or this new guy’s? I walked up to the door. Reaching my hand up, I knocked and fear started to consume me. She had every right to hate me. I wasn’t deluding myself on that, but it didn’t stop me from praying that she didn’t. Maybe I should just leave? She deserved to be happy. I sighed sadly and walked away from the door. With every step I took, my heart broke in my chest.

“Goodbye
Vicky. I’ll always love you,” I whispered as I walked away.

Chapter Nineteen

Vicky

So
much has happened in these last few months, I just don’t know what to think of it all. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to process it all. First, there was just meeting Jake, then our relationship, or whatever it was to him. It was a relationship to me. Eli’s death took me by surprise, but apparently they knew about his heart condition. Jake blamed me for his death and maybe he was right. I can’t seem to do anything right when it comes to anyone. Okay, aside from my clientele, but that doesn’t count. They pay me to get it right. Maybe I should have my boyfriends pay me too. That thought cracked me up.

Next
would be Jake’s not only falling off the wagon, but almost dying because of it. The look of him in that bed will always haunt me in my dreams. Next would have to be kicking Jake out. That hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt before.

That
brought me to Casey. Casey is a good guy. Almost too good to be true. Some days I feel like I dreamed him up to help me deal with the loss of Jake. But he was real, and he’s in love with me. How could he love me? I won’t let him do more than kiss me. Even if Jake doesn’t love me, I do him and it wasn’t something I could shut off like that. If I were honest, I didn’t know Casey and I were even dating. Sure, he was over at my place almost daily, but I just assumed it was because he loved the cove. Yeah, we kissed, a lot, but people kiss all the time without dating. Hell, Jake and I fucked like rabbits and we apparently weren’t dating.

Casey
would be the perfect man to settle down with and be content in life. He’d be by my side through thick and thin. I even believe that he’d raise this child as his own never throwing in my face that it was another man’s child.

When
I found out I was pregnant, I about died right there. I wasn’t sure that was how I wanted my life to go. I’ve always dreamed of having a family, but I wasn’t sure I was ready for it now. Definitely wasn’t ready to do it alone, but this is what happens when you miss your pill because you are too busy having an orgasm than to remember the essentials.

Casey
comforted me and sat with me all night long while I cried. By the next day, I was happy about the pregnancy, well, I was accepting it anyway. The excitement wouldn’t be there either because Jake wasn’t there. This should have been a moment where we were married and he spun me around the room, crying softly into my neck. Then we’d go share the amazing news with his family.

That
wasn’t how it happened. No, instead I find out after he stomps on my heart and walks away. His final words keep coming back to me and I can’t fathom why.

“How
can I take back a life that doesn’t want me in it?”

Surely
, he didn’t feel that his family didn’t want him around. He may have a problem, but from what I’ve seen with that family… that’d never cause them to turn their backs on him. He’d get the support he needed. Which was one of the reasons I kept urging him to talk to his family about what was going on, but he wouldn’t budge. I couldn’t force him to do something he wasn’t ready to. Yes, I could have gone behind his back and told his family the truth, but as I later found out by Eli, some of them already knew.

My
mind keeps going back to the Amber woman that Eli kept calling out for and I managed to find after an endless search. I wondered if she ever made it back in time for the funeral. Even if Jake hated me, I was tempted to go to the funeral and pay my respects. Instead, I waited until the next day and paid my respects then. My heart didn’t have enough strength to see Jake again. His harsh words still bounced around in my head and I don’t think they will ever go away.

Now
this all left me standing in my cabin alone and still seeing Casey’s heartbroken face in my head.

“I’m falling in love with you Vicky. Every day I fall deeper and deeper. I need to know if you love me too. If there’s even a chance that you and I and this miracle here,” he ran his hand over my belly. “Is there any chance we can all be happy together and you love me too?”

Tears
fell down my cheeks as I looked into his hopeful eyes. “How could you love me, Casey?”

“I’ve
spent pretty much every minute with you for the past couple of months. I’ve kissed you more than not during those times. We’ve talked about each other and our lives. In the past couple months I’ve gotten to know you. Every day, I’ve slowly fallen in love with you. Why is that so hard to believe?”

“Because
I’ve never given you, me. You’ve had a part of me, but never the full person. I’ve always held one part away from you.”

His
face dropped and he looked down at our hands. “Your heart,” he whispered sadly. Looking back up into my eyes, he swallowed hard. “There’s no chance for me to win that, is there?”

I
shook my head, “No.” My voice broke and the tears fell harder down my cheeks.

“Hey,
don’t cry,” he whispered. “It hurts that you don’t love me, but Vicky it really doesn’t change anything between us. Well, I guess it does take the kissing off the table,” he smirked.

“Damn,
you were really good at that,” I tried to tease back.

“You
too beautiful,” he paused for a minute before speaking again. “I’ll always love you Vicky. Even if I move on and find the woman I’m meant to be with, there will still be a part of me that will always love you. I can’t shut it off, but what I’m wondering is if we can be friends? I don’t want to lose you completely.”

I
looked at his sincere face. My heart clenched in my chest. “Why can’t I love you?”

“Hey,
if I knew how to make that happen, I’d done it by now. This Jake character, he’s the one you love?”

“Yes,”
I squeaked out.

“He’s
the father of the baby?”

“Yes.”

“He doesn’t know you’re pregnant, does he?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because
he doesn’t love me in return and I know him. He’d stay with me out of obligation to our child.”

“Well,
tell you what? If he doesn’t come to his senses and see what an amazing woman you are, you come back to me and we’ll pick up right where we left off,” he smiled.

“Sounds
like a plan,” I laughed.

He
pulled me into a hug. “Do you still want your ice cream before I take you home?”

“Yes,
please.”

He
dropped me off and walked me to the door. “Call me if you ever need someone to talk to. I meant it when I said I still wanted to be friends.”

“I
will. I promise.”

There
was a moment of silence. “Vicky?”

I
looked up into his beautiful blue eyes. “Yeah?”

“Can
I kiss you one last time?” He whispered, his hands already cupped my face.

“Yes,”
I breathed.

He
leaned down slowly. Casey kissed me slowly and tenderly. He wasn’t rushing anything. I gave it to him, let him have whatever he wanted, needed from me. Jake wasn’t coming back, my heart knew it, but yet I couldn’t commit to Casey. One of his hands left my face, grabbed one of mine and moved it over his erection. He thrust his hips into my hand. Casey pinned me against the door, his other hand left my face.

Pulling
my hand away, I broke the kiss. “I’m sorry, Casey. I can’t do that to you.”

“But
what if I want you to. I’ve been dying to have your hands on me,” he whispered, huskily.

“If
we weren’t saying goodbye to this part of us, I would. But we are saying goodbye to this part.”

He
took a deep breath and let it out loudly. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s hard to let you go, to let this go.”

“I
know. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t
be sorry, Vicky, please. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what. Okay?”

I
nodded my head, then look up at him. He was trying to smile, but his eyes were sad and broken. “I’m so sorry, Casey.” A sob escaped and I turned and ran inside.

He had knocked a couple of times, asking to come in to talk. I couldn’t let him in. He was hurting and it was all my fault. Casey was a great guy. I prayed that he finds a woman that deserved him and would love him with all that she is.

Who
knows, maybe down the road him and I could cross paths again and I might be able to make a commitment to him. Just now there wasn’t a way. I’m not the type of person to fake feelings for someone when I really long for another. After the baby is born and I’ve sold my house in the city, I’ll look back over my life and come to terms with the fact that I love a man that will never see me in that light.

Tears
filled my eyes and my hand rested on my stomach. My life was so crazy right now, but I vowed to my baby that they’d never know any of this turmoil. My heart clenched at the thought of them missing out on that big loveable family, but I just can’t handle being around Jake right now. Maybe another thing in the future to re-examine.

My
whole body was exhausted. My brain was exhausted. It was nap time. Something that I’ve had to grow accustomed to with this pregnancy, I was constantly tired. When I walked into the room, I decided to jump into the shower first. Letting the water rain down on me relaxed my muscles and the heat made me even more tired than I was before.

I
had just stepped from the shower when I heard knocking at the door. Grabbing my robe, I hurried to the door. When I cracked it open, I saw Jake walking away with his head hung down. Then I heard his soft spoken words.

“Goodbye
Vicky. I’ll always love you.”

He
didn’t just say that. That was my heart wishing for something in return. Still the possibility had never occurred to me and opened the door wider.

“Jake?”

He stopped. Jake didn’t turn around or say anything it was almost as if he was frozen in the very spot he stood. My heart was racing in my chest and my stomach filled with butterflies.

“Jake?
What are you doing here?”

My
voice seemed to break him from his momentary state of frozen. He slowly turned around. My head was all that stuck out of the door right now. His eyes were sad. I didn’t like seeing Jake sad. It broke my heart.

“I
know I’m too late and I’m sorry to interrupt you. I just wanted to…”

“Wanted
to what?”

I
was breathless. My heart beat wildly in my chest. It was racing so fast that I almost felt dizzy.

“It
doesn’t matter now,” he said so sadly that I could almost hear his heart breaking.

“It
does. I want to know. Tell me,” I urged him.

He
took a deep breath, but still didn’t move toward me nor did I come any further out the door.

“I
love you. I have loved you for a long time, but I know I’m not worthy of you. I…” A tear slipped down his cheek. “I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry.”

When
he started to walk away, I rushed out of the door, grabbed his hand, “Please don’t go.”

He
turned and looked at me and his eyes widen.