Struggling Free (Hidden Secrets Book 5) (10 page)

Chapter Thirteen

Vicky

I crumbled to the floor, crying.
What the hell have I done?
I didn’t know. I didn’t know… Then I felt a hand on my shoulder, I jumped up.

“I’m
so sorry for everything. I didn’t mean to cause any harm. I thought I was helping. Um, you need to find Jake. With his drug problem and his current emotional state, he’s liable to really hurt himself,” I started walking away.

“Thank
you, Vicky.” Jane said from behind me through her tears.

“Don’t
thank me. Eli’s gone because of me and Jake’s… Just please don’t thank me.” I walked away.

It
was a long and hard walk to the elevator. Go figure the minute I step in the elevator Rascal Flatt’s
Here Comes Goodbye
starts playing over the sound system. As the song played, my heart sank further in my chest. It was fate telling me that my dreams were only that once again…dreams. How I let myself be fooled that I could possibly have more was beyond me. Never has there been happiness for me. Not since I was a kid. Definitely not after the drunken, loser of an ex beat me almost to death and definitely not now with the amazing man that I shared a bed with.

The
ding from the elevator brought me back to the present and I walked off. The world around me was just a blur of action. Nothing registered. It wasn’t until I got outside the hospital that I realized, I had no vehicle. As I sighed, I turned and started toward my apartment. The long walk was the start of a punishment for me. It was about six miles to my apartment from the hospital. What was I going to do when I got there? Hell if I knew, but I guess I had a while before I had to figure that out.

His
words continued to echo in my head. The more they repeated the more I felt the truth behind it. I was a murderer. My parents died because of me. Now I’ve killed Eli. I ruined an amazing family and probably cost them another son. What the hell was I thinking! My foot stomped on the pavement hard enough to feel the tingling sensation shoot up from my foot through my leg.

When
I stood to play the role of this Amber, I thought I was helping, giving Eli some peace. My heart sank lower in my chest. A thought occurred to me then, a way to give the family some peace in their sadness. My feet picked up and soon I was running. The quicker I moved the more the idea formed in my head. Suddenly, it was the only thing I could think about, which suits me just fine considering Jake’s words finally ended their relentless repetition in my head.

Once
I made the detour to go to my office instead, it was a shorter distance. Once inside, I hurried to my office. Hour after grueling hour, dead end after dead end, I kept working until finally I found what I was looking for. Picking up my phone, I dialed the number that I prayed was the right one.

“Hello?”
Came a sweet voice from the other side.

“Ms.
Morgan?”

“That’s
my maiden name, yes?”

“Your
maiden name?”

“Yes,
I married two months ago. I’m sorry, but who is this?”

“Do
you know an Elijah Williams?”

“Yes,
he’s my husband.”

Oh God! I found her.
But suddenly the words I had to tell her were like sandpaper on my tongue. Summoning every bit of strength I had left, I began to speak.

“My
name is Vicky. I’m a…I called to give you a message from Eli.”

I
pushed through everything that Eli had told me tears streamed down my cheeks. There was a long pause on the other end with quiet sobbing.

“Is…Did…?”

“He passed today. I had a hard time finding you. I’m sorry I stepped in and pretended to be you. I thought I was giving him peace. It was important for him that you knew all that. I wanted to make sure I told it to you.”

“He’s…he’s
gone?” She sobbed.

“I’m
so sorry.”

“
Th-thank you for calling. I, uh, gotta go.”

Just
like that she hung up. I sagged back against my chair and cried. I cried for the Williams family, for this Amber who had just found her husband and lost him. I just cried. My cell phone kept ringing, but I didn’t want to answer it. Didn’t want to be told how much they hated me.

Shutting
my phone off, I put it in my drawer. Moving over to the couch in my office, I sat there and stared at the ceiling. In my heart, I knew I did the right thing. Amber didn’t tell me she hated me or that I killed her husband. Of course, Jake never said he hated me either, but he didn’t have to. It was in his eyes, the way he jumped when I touched him.

My
head filled with everything he said again, but just as the thought began to overwhelm me there was a pounding on my office door. Forcing myself off the couch, I walked out of my office. I could barely make out the silhouette of a man. He was huge. Just from the size of this shadow man, my heart began to race.

“We’re
not open. Come back during normal business hours,” I called out.

“Open
the fucking door, Vicky!” The deep growl came.

Stepping
back some from the anger in his voice, I wanted to call Jake but remembered he hated me and would probably just let the guy in. I stared at him with my back against the wall. I face plenty of scary men at seriously scary moments and don’t bat an eye, but this man scared the crap out of me. His eyes were darker than his shadow. This man was dangerous, I could feel it in my bones.

“Vicky!
Jake is in the hospital! Open the fucking door!”

The
mention of Jake’s name had me running to the door. Quickly, I unlocked the door and opened it. My breath caught at the anger on his face.
Was he lying? Was he going to kill me now?

“I’ve
been trying to reach you for a few hours now. Don’t you answer a phone?”

He
grabbed me out of the office, grabbed my keys, locked the door and dragged me out to a car. I was that shocked that I let it all happen. It wasn’t until we were flying down the roads that my senses came back.

“Who,”
I swallowed. “Who are you?”

He
cursed under his breath before he took a deep breath. “My name is Danger. Jake is like a brother to me. I found him in his hotel room with drug paraphernalia all over his desk. He’s overdosed, but I think I found him in time. God, to see him like that. He was looking at pictures of the family,” he turned his head in my direction, “and of you. He had this picture held in his hand,” Danger said as he hand me a wrinkled picture of me in my pajamas.

I
couldn’t even remember him taking this picture. But I was looking at him smiling. God, I’d never been happier than I was with him. He believed that he lost himself, but I don’t think he ever wanted to see what an amazing man he was.

“He
also left these,” Danger handed me some papers.

It
wasn’t legible. It looked like a bunch of scribbles that were attempting to be words, but on one sheet, I could see my name. Keeping the one that appeared to have my name it, I handed the other back to Danger.

“I
can’t make them out.”

“Well
I can,” Danger hissed at me.

“Well
then scribble word whisperer, tell me what they say,” I hissed right back.

He
jerked the car to the side of the road, slammed it into park, turned to me and grabbed my shirt.

“That
note is telling you how much he loved you, but he doesn’t feel worthy of you. So instead of making you miserable he’s setting you free. The other is telling his family that he loved them and apologizing for how he failed them. You sit and make fucking jokes when this man needs you. He needs help! You need to help him. Quit thinking about yourself for five seconds!” He pushed me back into my seat, turned and started down the road again.

“I’m
not thinking of myself,” I said softly. “I’m thinking about a family that just lost one member because of me. I’m thinking about a mother that is cracking and one touch and she’ll shatter. I’m thinking about a man that believes I killed his brother. I’m thinking of the man that I love and not wanting to do him anymore harm. Nowhere in there am I thinking of myself, my pain, my loss.”

We
pulled up to the hospital just as I finished talking. Danger didn’t say another word. He just got out of the car and started walking into the hospital. Exiting quickly, I ran to catch up. Nothing but silence as we rode the elevator, we exited and walked down a hall, and then turned a corner. I saw several of the siblings in the hallway.

Stopping,
“I can’t do this.”

“You
damn well can and you will. I’m not letting you leave until you go into that room and I don’t know say or do something. If you even think about running, I will hunt you down and throw you into that room. I’ll fucking handcuff you to that bed if I have to.”

Looking
at him shocked, “What the hell kind of cop are you?”

“One
you don’t want to cross, now move it,” he growled.

With
each step I took toward Jake’s room, my chest tightened more and more. When I got closer, I couldn’t look any of them in the face. When they went to talk to me, I simply hurried inside the room and leaned against the door. When I opened my eyes, Jake laid in a bed before me.

Slowly,
I walked to his bed side. Tears immediately sprang to my eyes, before I could stop it a sob escaped. Leaning over him, I hugged him as tight as I dared and cried for a few minutes. When the tears slowed, I pulled back and looked down at the man I will always love and pulled the picture from my pocket.

“I
don’t know why you like this picture. Or why you even liked me?” I sobbed. “I love you, Jake. I love you so much, but I can’t be the reminder of what you’ve lost. You need to get better for your family, for yourself. One day you’re going to find the woman of your dreams and start a family of your own. I know you will because you deserve nothing less. I’ll love you always, but I need to walk away. For you, for your family, I can’t stay around and risk hurting any of you further. I’ll never forget you,” I leaned down and kissed him. “I love you. Goodbye.”

Taking
a pen from off the table next to his bed, I wrote a little message on the back of the picture. Opening his hand, I placed the picture in it. Kissing his forehead, I whispered on last time that I loved him and started to leave.

“No,
Vicky…” came a raspy voice from behind me.

Tears
flowed heavily down my cheeks and I ran from the room. People were yelling my name, but I didn’t listen. Instead, I continued to run, pieces of my heart dropped behind me as I fled. Bursting through the doors, I dropped to my knees on the sidewalk and cried. When I felt a hand touch my shoulder, I tried to get up and run, but strong arms held me tightly.

“
It’s Jack. Let me be here for you Vicky.”

“No!
Get off me! Just let me go!”

When
Jack finally released me, I took off running without looking back. Once I hailed a cab, I went to the nearest alcohol store and bought every bottle of hard liquor. On the ride to my cabin, I relived every moment that I shared with Jake. I prayed harder than I ever have that I wasn’t hearing things and Jake was waking up. If anything had happened to him because of my actions… Shaking my head, I didn’t want to think about that. It hurt too much.

The
walk up the private drive was long and hot. I didn’t care anymore. I just didn’t care about anything anymore. My feet were sore and I was exhausted. I set my bags on the coffee table and sat down on the couch. The last time I drank was before I left that drunken bastard of an ex when he almost killed me. There were many nights before that night that I’d drink so much that I’d black out for hours at a time. When he nearly beat me to death, I took that as my sign that I needed to kick the alcohol and haven’t touched it since.

Today
felt like a really good day to bring back my old friend ‘the blackouts’. Staring at the four bottles of Tequila, Jack Daniels, Wild Turkey, Vodka, and a bunch of other odd and ends, I smiled at knowing these would bring me a bit of peace. Cracking open the first bottle, I tossed back one big swig. Coughing as it burned going down my throat. This was going to be a great night.

Chapter Fourteen

Jake

“…you.
Goodbye,” Vicky said, softly.

“No,
Vicky,” I prayed that was aloud and not in my head.

When
I heard the sob and a door opened, I knew she had gone. A few moments later, a hand grabbed mine.

“Vicky?”
I strained to speak.

“No,
she just left. Don’t talk right now. You have some explaining to do young man.”

“Dad?”

Opening my eyes, I find my father glaring down at me. “How dare you pull a stunt like this? Not just in pulling it at all, but right after we just lost your brother!” He yelled.

“Father,
I-”

The
door flew open and my mom ran into the room. She started punching me as she cried. “You stupid fool! Have we not lost enough? Do you think we all aren’t torn apart losing Eli? Do you think we all aren’t hurting? What my heart is not broken enough you had to try and take another one of my sons from me?” She sob/yelled.

“I’m
sorry, Mama. I’m sorry.” Tears trailed down to my temples as I held my mother as she cried. “It’s just…”

My
father’s hand squeezes my shoulder. When my eyes meet his, I see his own tears. “Son, we, obviously, now know you have a problem. We thought you did before but you weren’t ever around long enough to really tell.” His face turned serious all of a sudden. “Was it Vicky that supplied it to you? Is she the reason you’re hooked on that shit?”

“God
no! Vicky was trying to help me clean up before anyone noticed. I was doing well until Eli…”

The
mention of Vicky’s name sent a pain through my chest that had me wincing in pain. My parents then said they’d let me get some sleep before they left with the rest of my siblings coming in giving hugs. None of my siblings upset me more than Kayla.

“
You idiot!” Kayla screamed as she burst through the door.

“Been
called that a lot today,” I joked.

She
punched me. “If you would have…If Danger hadn’t found you… God Jake, you can’t do that to me!”

Opening
my arms wide for her, “I’m sorry Kay.”

“Why?”
She sobbed into my chest.

“I
couldn’t handle letting you all down so much. I’m partying, having a good time, while many of you were fighting to keep it together. A member of one of my crews caught me when I broke. He introduced me to it,” I shrugged.

“I
almost lost you, Jakey. I wouldn’t survive without you. I couldn’t. You’re my rock.”

Choking
on a sob that wanted to escape, “How can you say that? Kay you were hurt for so long and so horribly…”

“Because
of choices I made. God you and Carson are just the same. You are blaming yourself for something that wasn’t in your power to control. I chose not to say anything. I chose to keep it secret…”

“Because
he threatened you,” I said through clenched teeth.

“Yeah
he did! He threatened
me
! Yet you and Carson want to sit and act as if you planned this all out with Alex and it backfired. Get a grip would you! Just like I told Carson, you’re missing out on your life by focusing on mine! I love you, Jakey. God knows I do, but you have to remember I’m married and about to have a child. You don’t have to take care of me anymore. I’m happy and I owe some of that to you. You’ve been the best big brother. Don’t start acting like an ass now.”

She
kissed my forehead and left with Jason fussing behind her. I couldn’t help but laugh at every attempt from Jason to ‘guide’ her, she’d slap his hands away glaring at him. That’s Kayla, tough and independent. It was at that moment that I realized she wasn’t my little sister anymore.

It
was then that I tightened my hand and felt something in my left hand. As I turned my hand over, I saw the picture of Vicky. It was my favorite picture. We had been joking around and having fun after we’d made love, she was just glowing in this picture. There was no capturing her beauty, but this gave you a hint. My hand trembled. The picture fell onto my stomach. As I reached to pick it up, I saw the writing on the back.

Never forget how amazing you are. I won’t. Goodbye, Vicky.

My heart tightened fiercely in my chest. It was just too much for one day. Closing my eyes, I fell asleep. My thoughts about how thankful I am to have made it out. There was so much from life that I still wanted. I’m grateful to still have the chance.

# # #

One week later…

I’ve been out of the hospital for a few days now. Mom insisted that I stay with them for a little while. The way everyone was milling about and whispering amongst each other, I knew I was going to be under watch now. Planning for Eli’s funeral has been going on for the past couple of days. It was being held in two days. We have all been clinging to each other a little more than normal.

The
loss of Eli wasn’t just losing a sibling or child. When Eli passed away we all lost a piece of ourselves. None of us were whole any longer. Eli played such a huge role in this family that it felt like we were all tripping over ourselves as we tried to keep moving forward as normal as possible.

All
of us were together today. It was for sad circumstances that we were all together. We sat around the living room sharing stories about Eli. Some had us laughing through our tears. Mom sat quietly by and listened. Dad held her tightly, tears fell down both their cheeks.

# # #

Two days later… The Funeral

“When
we were growing up, I thought mom and dad were superheroes.” Everyone laughed. “Now I know every kid has thought that a time or two, but as I got older I saw that mine really were. They raised eleven kids and we all turned out well, but it was Eli that was proof for me. He was everywhere and knew everything. If one of us were in trouble, he was there before we even had to ask for help.”

I
looked out over the people that gathered to honor my brother. I was looking for one person, but couldn’t find her.

“He
tried to help me, but I think it took falling before I could pick myself up and change my life. No matter what stupid thing we ever did, Eli made sure we knew how much he loved us. He was the superhero son to the superhero parents we have. I’ll miss him every day, but I know that he’s still with each of us watching over us as he always has. I love you, brother.”

Stepping
down, I walked back over to my family. Mom and Dad hugged me, both crying. It pushed my tears faster down. The rest of my siblings went up there and gave their speeches about Eli. Mary was the last one and she sang a rendition of Boyzone’s
You Flew Away
with Carson and before long all of us had joined in. Through our tears we sang to him with all our hearts, all our love, and even all our sadness. Even through the song, it wasn’t until the Pastor stood back on the stage that it hit me. Eli was really gone.

All
of us boys carried the coffin to the back of the hearse waiting outside and we all climbed into the awaiting limos and rode to the cemetery, where we laid our brother to rest. Everyone had begun to leave, but we all stayed huddled around his grave site.

“Excuse
me?” Came a small voice from behind us.

We
all turned around.

“Amber?”
Jackson gasped.

“I
was told that the funeral was today. I hope you don’t mind I came, but we needed to say our goodbyes too.”

“We?”
I asked confused.

Just
then two beautiful kids stepped out from behind Amber. What knocked me to my knees was how much they looked like Eli. I heard mom gasp next to me.

“
Can we go somewhere to talk?” She said quietly.

We
all nod, but say nothing else. The drive to our house was tense and quiet. None of us could talk even if we wanted to. We were all just completely shocked. The walk inside seemed like the longest walk ever. We were all seated in the living room when Amber finally spoke.

“Eli
and I have been seeing each other for a while again. He found me. Turns out we were both searching for each other. I had been sent overseas for some work for the company I was with at the time. When he found me, he also found out that he was a father. This is Ella and EJ, Elijah Junior. I wasn’t keeping them from him. He understood. He wanted to get time to spend with his kids before he told you all about them. They loved him right away as they should. We were married two months ago. It was a spur of the moment and he planned to renew the vows with you guys. We…I have video of it if you’d like to see it. When I was told what his message for me was, I wanted to honor him with his last wish.”

“Who…called
you?” My mom said through her tears.

“She
didn’t say. All she told me was that she was given the message from Eli. She said she would have called sooner, but it took her a long time to find me.”

My
chest tightened. Without anyone saying anything, I knew who had delivered Eli’s last words. It was Vicky. But why wasn’t she at the funeral? Why didn’t she come to the hospital? Looking back at the two spitting images of Eli, I kneeled down on the floor.

“Hi
Ella and EJ, I’m your Uncle Jake,” I said softly.

“
Yeah, Jake da nake,” Ella’s cute little voice said my childhood nickname.

I
laughed. “Yes, that’s me.”

“Hug?”
Ella asked.

“Definitely,”
I breathed.

She
ran into my arms and I wrapped her up hugging her tightly. She giggled and hugged me back. EJ joined shortly after. He was a little more reserved, but so was his dad. Pulling away, my mom walked up and kneeled down, my dad next to her.

“We’re
your grandparents.”

“Nana
and Papa,” EJ said as he placed a hand on each of their cheeks. “Yeah, me miss him too.” He said sadly.

My
mom pulled him into her arms. Dad pulled Ella into his. It was an emotional day, but it almost seemed like we were given a piece of Eli back today. Eli will carry on, but now he carries on in a whole new way. We all sat around and talked. We got to know the woman that was now part of our family as well as our new niece and nephew. Kayla got up and walked out on the back porch. Something was off, so I got up and followed her out there.

“Kay?
You okay?”

“Jake,”
she gasped. “I think I’m in labor.” She called out in pain as she held her stomach.

Gathering
her in my arms, I carried her into the house. “Jason, let’s go. You’re going to be a daddy.”

“Sunshine?
Are you okay? Can you walk?” Jason said panicked.

“I’m
carrying her Jason. Come on get with it. She needs you right now.”

“Yeah,
um, can you drive? I can’t remember how…”

I
shook my head. I don’t know what happens to these men when their women get pregnant or go into labor. They lose their fucking minds. It was just labor, shit.

# # #

Holy fucking shit!

“I
need to leave. I need…”

“No
Jake! Please stay please,” she begged and clamped my hand harder in hers as another contraction took over.

“Okay,
okay, I’ll stay.”

Jason
took a rag and wiped the sweat from her brow. Though he was panicked earlier, he was a pillar of strength right now. He was supporting her just as I knew he would.

“I
can see the head,” the doctor announced.

Jason
peeked down and immediately came back up to stand by Kayla’s side again. “You’re doing great Sunshine. Keep going. Our baby is right there.”

With
a few more good pushes, the sound of a loud strong cry filled the room. Jason kissed Kayla and quickly ran over to where their baby was being cleaned up.

“You
did great Kay. I’m so proud of you,” I whispered as I kissed her forehead.

Just
then they brought over a beautiful pink wrapped baby. Even through her cap you could see a thick amount of dark hair peeking through.

“She’s
beautiful,” Kayla breathed.

“Just
like her mama,” Jason said, kissing the little girl.

“She
is gorgeous. I’m a proud uncle yet again. What is her name?”

They
looked at each other and back to me smiling. “Jacqueline Ellie Gold.”