Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (7 page)

A similar case to the 50-and-Fabulous Female, but drastically different in approach. The Midlife Crisis Male
*
has had a similar awakening to live his middle age to the fullest; however, this springs from the desire to have sex with women in their 20s and drive a sports car, as opposed to feeling fabulous. The Midlife Crisis Male will often leave his wife for a younger woman, will attempt to grow a ponytail, and, for a brief period, will shorten his name to something like Chet.

The Sassy Black Lady can fit in anywhere among the Heterosexual culture and beyond. Church? Certainly! Football games? Sure. Gay bars? Definitely. Straight bars? Yes. Reality television? It’s a match made in heaven.

This Heterosexual Female reached her peak in college and is still struggling to regain that same enthusiasm, happiness, and secure social circle that suited her so well during her long-gone days at Florida State. After one too many appletinis, this Heterosexual Female always tells the story that once, during freshmen year, she got really drunk at the White Trash Party and ended up making out with Meagan Taylor. She doesn’t know it, but this is the last time she was happy.

There’s only one, but it needed to be said.

The Cat Lady is a long-standing subgroup of the Heterosexual population. This female has a stable job, a Time Warner Cable subscription, at least two cats, and one or all of the
Twilight
books on her nightstand at all times. While this female has some semblance of a social life and an impressively high score on online Monopoly, she much prefers the comforts of a DVR-ed episode of
Castle
to the ever-grueling world of dating,
relationships, or leaving the house. The Heterosexual Cat Lady is my spirit animal.

This Heterosexual Male spends the majority of his time in sweatpants, playing video games. Oftentimes he’s self-employed or works from home as a telemarketer, blogger, or as the actor Seth Rogen. Girlfriends are usually nonexistent, fictional, or incredibly frustrated.

With the assistance of surging hormones and keys to her family’s lake house, this Heterosexual Female accidentally becomes pregnant. This phenomenon has been heavily documented on the MTV series
Teen Mom
, where real-life Teen Moms are made famous for having sex without a condom, then screaming at their mom for not buying more toilet paper. Teen Moms are the seagulls of Heterosexuals, in that they’re quite common and often migrate to Florida.

Your grandparents are likely Elderly Heterosexuals, so you probably know this is a culture of people with very old-fashioned sensibilities and opinions. Sure, they might say something a little racist from time to time, but it’s best to overlook it and enjoy the short time you have left to spend with them. These Heterosexuals tend to be extremely skilled at baking pies from scratch, not claiming their own farts, and constantly asking the same question: “Why isn’t Milton Berle around anymore?” For more extensive research on the Elderly Heterosexual, watch an episode of
The Golden Girls
or just follow Betty White on Twitter.

Now that you understand the prevalent breeds within the Heterosexual kingdom, you are one step closer to being a skilled Heterosexual Watcher. Remember: Try to memorize these breeds so you don’t have to consult the guide while you’re out in the field, and if you have any questions, just give me a call.

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When Heterosexual Married Couples say this, what they really mean is, “Not ripping each other’s throats out and stomping them into bloody pulps on a daily basis.”

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Angelina Jolie is an American actress and all around Weirdo with a capital W. When she broke up the beloved marriage of Brad Pitt and Saint Jennifer Aniston, she not only wrecked a home, but she divided a country. Those of us who never had that big of a problem with Angelina Jolie were forced to look at her as more than a nut job who made out with her brother when she won an Academy Award, and instead see her for who she really is: the woman who destroyed Rachel from
Friends’
life.

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The Man Cave is a designated room in a Married Couple’s home where the male is allowed to keep all the things the female cannot abide, such as posters from Quentin Tarantino movies, video game systems, and a stained futon left over from the male’s college dorm room that he cannot bear to part with because of the “memories” (a.k.a. that three-way he had with his girlfriend and Stacey, the chemistry major who lived next door and who always got naked anytime she was drunk or it was a weekday or a weekend).

*
Miller Time
is a designated hour in Heterosexual culture that can happen basically whenever someone declares it to be so. Once it is declared, everyone is expected to drink a Miller beer, no matter what time of day it is.

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A keg stand is when a Heterosexual positions himself upside down atop a keg of cold beer. The object of a keg stand is to chug beer from the keg’s spout until one falls off or passes out. I have done a keg stand
once
in my entire life, and it was at a party in someone’s backyard. There were tons of Heterosexuals there, but when I did this alleged keg stand, I counterbalanced it by the fact that I happened to be wearing a costume from the local community theater’s production of
Cats
(long story). No joke. You’re reading the words of a man who’s done a keg stand in a lycra body suit and cat ears meant for a musical theater character named Rum Tum Tugger.

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Cracker Barrel is a restaurant chain specializing in the kind of food your grandma would have made. It’s known for its comfortable rocking chairs on the front porch, its liberal use of gravy, and the gift shops you must walk through in order to be seated. These gift shops sell everything you could ever need if you’re a 50-something-born-again Christian woman who is in the market for an old-fashioned chess set or an
Andy Griffith Show
puzzle.

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The ultimate Midlife Crisis Male is Ryan O’Neal. Once a handsome movie star, now a whacky old man who shows up on talk shows every once in a while to seem drunk and say something crazy. Ryan O’Neal slipped so far into the Midlife Crisis Male lifestyle that he tried to pick up his estranged daughter after not recognizing her at his girlfriend’s funeral.
Classy
.

I
N THIS CHAPTER
, I’
M GOING TO DISCUSS
H
ETEROSEXUAL
H
ABITATS
. When it comes to habitat, every Heterosexual is as different as each member of the Jackson family. However, now that I’m thinking about it, everyone in the Jackson family is pretty similar to everyone else in the Jackson family, by which I obviously mean
bat shit crazy
.

Heterosexuals tend to gravitate toward comfort more than the experimental style found among other species, with some rare exceptions that I will discuss below.

I grew up in a lovely Heterosexual home that included many staples that will help you get a sense of what you’re likely to find in a Heterosexual Habitat:

   
An enormous portrait photograph of an eight-year-old me made to look like a photograph from the twenties. (Heterosexuals
love
making old-fashioned-looking family photos.)

   
A shotgun stored under my parents’ bed.