Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (3 page)

   
1.
While Heterosexual Watching, it is
vital
to respect Heterosexuals, their environment, and their lifestyle. Heterosexuals are generally a loving and amicable species, and in order for all of us to live happily as one, we must respect each other’s quirky habits and ways. Just because you don’t “get” Natalie Portman doesn’t mean the Heterosexual feels the same way.

   
2.
Keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times
doesn’t just apply to rides at Disney World (a Heterosexual melting pot that we’ll get to later); it also applies to Heterosexual Watching. In my years of Heterosexual Watching, I’ve learned that Heterosexuals do
not
like to be touched unexpectedly. Now that doesn’t mean you can never touch a Heterosexual. Far from it. Kiss your Heterosexual grandma and hug your friendly Heterosexual tennis partner, but only do such touching if it’s mutually agreed upon. Basically, what I’m saying is, no matter how many acai berry martinis you’ve had and no matter how nice your Heterosexual friend Mike has always been to you, never stick your hand inside his shirt, no matter how experienced a Heterosexual Watcher you may be, and no matter how well-toned Mike’s chest has been looking lately.

   
3.
If you see a Heterosexual, do not immediately point at him/her, as the Heterosexual will automatically assume that you’re (A) a creep to be actively avoided, (B) a terrorist, or (C) a paparazzi photographer who is going to take a
really
unflattering picture of her at Chipotle and force her to explain why she was eating a burrito at 10 a.m. in the first place (if the Heterosexual is, say, Demi Lovato).
*

Those are the rules. Other than that, remember to enjoy yourself and have a good time. Heterosexual Watching is a wonderful way to connect with a lovely species that is literally everywhere you go. Pay close attention, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll learn a little something. Oh, and if you happen to be that hot guy in the baby blue–striped tank top from Starbucks . . . hey, gurl!

I also feel compelled to share with you some
very
important statistics to keep in mind about Heterosexuals and their lifestyle before beginning your journey as a Heterosexual Watcher.

Let’s move on and learn about the specific breeds within the Heterosexual community. Come along!

*
Not going to lie: This isn’t the last time you’re going to read about Whoopi. In this book, I will be exposing you to the fascinating world of Heterosexual Watching. Some of you might be scratching your heads. If so, first of all, wash your hair and maybe it wouldn’t itch so much, and, second of all, let me explain.

*
Chico’s is an extremely popular shopping destination among Heterosexual Moms. This chain of shops is known for its flowing fabrics, chunky jewelry, and totally insane commercials in which middle-aged women say, “It was a Chico’s kind of day.”

*
If you don’t think you’re cut out for the world of Heterosexual Watching, might I suggest other hobbies I enjoy, including record collecting, reading memoirs, collecting Beanie Babies, going to therapy, hanging out at those $30 Thai massage places just to feel the touch of another human, or eating snacks!

*
True story!

T
HE
H
ETEROSEXUAL KINGDOM IS ONE OF EXPANSIVE VARIETY
. These wonderful creatures come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, and backgrounds. I’ve spotted so many different kinds of Heterosexuals in my life that I get excited just thinking about it—but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Unlike those really unappealing photos of food that are the same in every Chinese takeout place in every city in the history of the world, no two Heterosexuals are alike. Many Heterosexuals belong to very specific subsets and groups, such as Frat Boys, Married Couples, Hipsters, and Metrosexual Males.

Many other Heterosexuals belong to extremely rare subsets, such as hippies named Peter who live in vans in and around the greater Miami area; Asian Americans who lack computer skills; and the handful of people who think Cameron Diaz is a good actress (usually these same people also claim to have understood what the hell was going on in
Vanilla Sky
).

Heterosexual Watching requires that you fully understand what it is you’re looking at when observing Heterosexuals in their natural habitat. Skilled Heterosexual Watchers will memorize these varied breeds so, when they’re in the field, they do not have to consult the pages of this book.

In the event that you’re not very good at memorizing because you didn’t grow up doing community theater—or, in my case, even if you did, but you partied a little too hard during that blurry period of 2009 to 2011 when you lived in New York with that girl who was always doing drugs in your kitchen with the go-go dancers she met at nightclubs and have since then not been able to remember anything from your cousin Hal’s birthday to where the hell you put your spare set of keys when you came in last night—you’re more than welcome to bring along this guide anytime you’re in the field.

However, it is vital to wait until after the Heterosexual has left the premises to consult the guide, since Heterosexuals tend to be fast creatures who come and go very quickly, and by looking down into the guide to determine whether the person is a Metrosexual or a Frat Boy, you might end up missing the spotting entirely. It is best to simply observe and take it in. Once you’ve fully watched the Heterosexual, then (and only then) should you consult the guide to determine what you’ve just seen.

Make sense? Great. Aw, really? Thanks. I’ll bet you’re really smart, too.

A young woman, somewhere in age between the mid-20s and mid-30s, who moves to New York City in hopes of leading the Carrie Bradshaw lifestyle. She is usually astonished when she discovers just how much a pair of Jimmy Choos costs and how she feels after five cosmopolitans.

Q.
What do you do?

A.
Currently I’m interning at a fashion magazine, but what I really want to do is write my own column, like Carrie Bradshaw.

This answer is code for: “I’d like to have a seemingly endless disposable income, obnoxious amounts of free time, and more shoes than I will have days in my lifetime.”

She is usually clutching a copy of the September issue of
Vogue
(even if it’s March). Also, look for colorful and patterned handbags that cost more than the four years she spent at BU, plus bold fashion choices that at first might resemble that of a homeless
drag queen but under further inspection reveal themselves to be “high fashion”—chunky belts; unnecessarily high shoes; clothes or accessories with pictures of Audrey Hepburn on them; wrap dresses; vintage hats; clothing that looks like it was made for a child; clothing that actually
was
made for a child; a big smile that says, “I’m an ambitious girl with dreams, but I’m also a pretty easy lay”; and a big Starbucks coffee that says, “I’m a girl with a hangover, but I’m also a pretty easy lay.”

Not really important; what is important is that she completely disregards where she came from, and never mentions her parents until season five when Miranda’s mother dies and her laptop breaks in what is arguably the best episode of the series.

The Barneys co-op sale; Woody Allen movies about New York; saying things like, “New York is my playground”; “I would honestly die if I moved out of the West Village”; and “Brunch is my church.”

Usually rather sunny. These Heterosexual Females have moved to a big city with infectiously positive dreams and hope. However, once they start their entry-level jobs at whatever fashion magazine they’re working for, their dispositions grow wearier and wearier, until finally they lose their shit like Anne Hathaway’s
character in
The Devil Wears Prada
. Or, like Anne Hathaway herself probably did after those bizarre three hours of hosting the Oscars with James Franco.

The Gap; Times Square; being told, “You’re such a Miranda.”