Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (31 page)

W
OW
! H
AVE WE COVERED A LOT OF GROUND OR WHAT
?!

If you’ve actually been reading this and not just standing at the books table in the store and flipping through the pages while your girlfriend tries on pants (which if you
really
want to impress her are most likely called “straight-leg fit” or “skinny,” but stop there on the pant descriptions or else your girlfriend will assume I’ve turned you gay), you’ve learned about Heterosexual Habitats, Feeding Patterns, and even Kenny G!

Of course, there are many things native to the Heterosexual and his/her lifestyle that I did not have room to include in detail, and, sure, I could save these omissions for my second Heterosexual-Watching spotter’s guide, but you know what? That would be lazy and not giving you the full experience. Like going to see Christina Aguilera in concert and not hearing “Beautiful,” because ol’ Christina decided she should save it for next time.
No
, Christina Aguilera. I came to see you, and by doing so, expect to hear “Beautiful.” Do you think I
came all the way to Boston to hear songs from your
Bionic Woman
album? No, I did not.

It’s wrong not to give people what they came for in totality, so here, my dear, lovely, attractive, and, might I add, delicious-smelling readers is a list of things you should definitely know about Heterosexuals.

It is a common misconception that the popularity of boy bands is based solely on teenage girls. While teenage girls are a very large portion of their fan base, the most popular boy bands would be nowhere today without the enthusiasm of adult Heterosexual Females who are
way
too old to be screaming for a 16-year-old boy who looks a lot like Ellen DeGeneres. Boy bands remind adult Heterosexual Females of simpler times when love meant writing someone’s name on your binder, and not screaming at each other in the middle of IKEA over a bed whose name you can’t pronounce, like Fjellse.

This is one of the most popular shows among Heterosexuals. It is a half-hour comedy program starring Ray Romano and Patricia Heaton. If you’ve ever spent a weekend with your parents, you’ve undoubtedly sat through at least five episodes of this show. First-time Heterosexual Watchers are constantly asking me questions about it, questions like, “Does everyone
actually
love Raymond?” The answer is
yes
, but it is more complicated than that. Raymond is a fictional character, so it is a lot easier for him to be loved by everyone than, say, me. For example, Raymond doesn’t have to worry about book deadlines, paying off his student loans, or wondering why Frankie Muniz has more Twitter followers than him when Frankie Muniz hasn’t been on TV in years, and I’ve been on TV multiple times this year and try really, really hard to get people, especially on Twitter, to follow me. So, yeah. The short answer is that everybody does love Raymond, but the long answer is a lot more complicated and is best not to think about too hard.

Heterosexual Males involved in the subset of punk or emo
*
will often sport guyliner. Guyliner is just regular eyeliner, commonly worn by females, but with Heterosexual Males, they felt the need to create their own term, lest they be seen as cross-dressers. However, guyliner is just eyeliner being called something else. Do not let this confuse you. Also, do not wear guyliner. It is
so
2010.

Film buffs have deemed
Citizen Kane
the greatest movie of all time. While acknowledging a world where New Year’s Eve exists, I beg to differ; you can’t deny the popularity and strange reverence for this movie that, despite how many times I’ve watched it, I still can’t figure out what it is about. Heterosexuals are expected to have seen this movie, and the majority have not. However, almost all Heterosexuals you know will claim not only to have seen it, but also that it is one of their all-time favorite movies, next to
Avatar
and
She’s All That
.

Here is a staggering statistic for you:
All
the Heterosexuals you know have at some point in the past year closed the door to their home or bedroom and listened to Adele’s “Someone Like You” and openly wept to themselves.

A spoon and fork combined, and frankly, one of the greatest inventions in Heterosexual history.

Based solely on what I’ve learned from watching basically every reality show of the past decade, Heterosexual Females love to throw drinks in people’s faces when they’re upset. It is the Heterosexual Female’s way of aggressively and physically stating that she does
not
appreciate whatever has just been said
or done to her. I’ve never had a drink thrown in my face, but perhaps after that massive generalization I will. I applaud the Heterosexual Female; I only worry about those countless wasted cocktails.

This actually covers two things beloved by Heterosexuals. First, of course, is the food, a dish Heterosexuals traditionally eat on New Year’s Eve or Rosh Hashanah to bring good luck. And second, the band of the same name featuring Will.I.Am, Fergie, and some other guys whose names no one can even pretend to remember. I’ve never been much of a Black Eyed Peas fan myself; however, once I heard the true story of Fergie peeing her pants onstage at a concert, my appreciation for this pop band most certainly shifted toward the positive.

Even though it’s a TV show about meth—which isn’t something you get to say a lot these days now that Paula Abdul isn’t on
American Idol
—Heterosexuals are surprisingly addicted to this show, almost as intensely as if it were, well, meth.

These days, every Heterosexual has a gay friend. Gay friends are the new black. And a black gay friend? Well, that’s just the holy grail. Heterosexuals love spending time with their gay friends, because it’s a nice opportunity not to worry about the lingering
sexual tension that is likely to exist between them and their friends of the opposite sex, and an even nicer opportunity to talk about whatever has recently happened on
The Real Housewives
of anywhere.
*
If I were a bit smarter and a lot less lazy, I would start a service called Rent-A-Gay, which, despite how it sounds, would have nothing to do with male escorts, but would be a rental-style program where Heterosexuals in need of some gay friend companionship could rent a gay friend for the day, the week, or, in special cases, the month. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m available and take MasterCard.

This is a world full of wonderful Heterosexuals, and all you need to do is take a moment, stop, look around you, and take them all in. Perhaps you’ll learn a little something; perhaps you’ll make a great new friend; perhaps you’ll better understand the friends you already have; perhaps you’ll figure out something to talk to your sister Sarah-Ann about, or your brother Bart, or perhaps you’ll finally watch
Titanic
and realize that—you know what, Heterosexuals are right—hearts really do go on.

With this spotter’s guide, I hope I’ve inspired a sense of adventure in you. A sense to open your mind to a wonderful species of humans that, up until this book, have only been found in most movies, every single television show in history,
music, art, magazines, pretty much any public place all over the world, and most other books besides this one and those written by Armistead Maupin.

So put this book down, leave your iPhone at home, grab some binoculars, put on a comfortable pair of shoes (but still make them cute, like a fun hiking boot or some trendy sneakers; I’m not suggesting you turn into a barbarian), open your mind to the variety of the world, and start Heterosexual Watching.

*
Emo
comes from the term
emotional hard-core
, which, if you think about it, is also a great way to describe Dr. Phil. When speaking to Emo Heterosexuals, never, under any circumstances, suggest that
emo
is just
Elmo
without the
L
. They will
not
be amused, no matter how funny your Elmo impression is.

*
Why haven’t they made
The Real Housewives of the Afterlife
a show on the Syfy network?

Jordana Tusman, my editor, who always knew the right time to say “maybe less
Grey Gardens
references.” Scott Mendel, for convincing me I could write this. Julie Klausner, for introducing me to Scott Mendel. My very awesome boyfriend who makes life a lot better. My very talented friends who inspire me: Cole Escola, Bryan Safi, Drew Droege, Jim Hansen, Erin Markey, Max Steele, Eric Gilliland, Ben Rimalower, Billy Eichner, Guy Branum, Louis Virtel, Michael Arden, and Rachel Shukert.

The fine folks at Commissary Coffee in Los Angeles where most of this book was written. And anybody who has ever shared one of my YouTube videos, tweets, or blog posts: thanks for making me feel cool enough to actually do this.

FIELDNOTES