Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (10 page)

When spotting any male in a pair of boxer shorts, you can pretty much assume that he is a Heterosexual. Personally, I haven’t worn a pair of pants loose enough to wear with boxers since I was at least 12 or 13. That said, I also have a Kelly Ripa tank top hanging in my closet.

Shoes are the clearest marker of the Heterosexual. The Heterosexual Male loves a comfortable shoe above all else. Back when I lived in New York, I could determine a hot guy’s sexuality in a matter of seconds just by glancing down at his shoes on the subway. Robin’s-egg blue Pumas with skinny jeans?
Not
a heterosexual. A pair of Reeboks that look so old they might have gone to elementary school with Cloris Leachman? Heterosexual!

Now, there is one exception that tosses all previously discussed rules and ideas out the window, by which I mean Europeans! European Males can really throw you for a loop when you’re Heterosexual Watching. They are the juggernaut of all Heterosexual spotting, much like their cousins the Metrosexuals. The European fashion, coiffed hair, and extensive cultural taste might lead one to automatically assume that he’s gayer than a
Flipping Out
marathon on Bravo, but with European Males you must look closer to determine whether or not you’ve spotted a Heterosexual. Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself while attempting to determine whether the man you’ve spotted is gay or merely European.

Spotting a Heterosexual Female can prove a bit more difficult than spotting the Heterosexual Male. While Heterosexual Males sport many unique accessories and articles of clothing that easily identify them as straight, the Heterosexual Female may be a bit more mysterious. Look to these key warning signs to help you in your spotting.

What
is
a perfectly messy bun? It’s when the Heterosexual Female gets her hair into just the right bun that appears effortlessly stylish and seemingly accidental. The sole intention of wearing a perfectly messy bun is to make both her friends and strangers see her and wonder, “Gosh, Lisa doesn’t even have to
try
to look flawless.” On average, a Heterosexual Female will spend upwards of an hour and 45 minutes perfecting this perfectly messy bun.

This is a T-shirt that closely resembles or actually is the Heterosexual Female’s boyfriend’s T-shirt. Usually very soft from excess washing and oversized (unless the Heterosexual Female is partnered with a little person, in which case all bets are off and P.S. can I meet him?). The intention of the shirt is to let the world know that the Heterosexual Female has a boyfriend without her having to announce it everywhere she goes. Special
points are given to boyfriend tees that feature the emblem of her boyfriend’s alma mater. Someone, maybe not even the Heterosexual Female, maybe a gay man in his early 20s who has a great life and a lot to offer the world but just couldn’t quite get it together enough to go on a date from the years of 2005 through 2010, but is really nice and hey, he wrote a book (doesn’t that count for something?), might have, at one time in 2010, bought an old, worn-out T-shirt at a local thrift shop and wore it to coffee with friends and claimed it belonged to “Phillip from Hoboken” just to make himself feel a little less lonely. Hypothetically.

Now, I’m not saying
all
Heterosexual Females have these, but a lot of them do. The belly button ring is found on a very specific kind of Heterosexual Female. To generalize, one who expects to show her midriff often enough to warrant stabbing a hole through her naval and decorating it with a cheap earring. Why do these Heterosexual Females do this? Who knows, but my theory is that it serves as a tracking device within the Heterosexual species, a calling card to let possible romantic candidates know “I’m proud of my tummy and I want to mate with you,” without having to say that out loud.

All
Heterosexual Females prefer Diet Coke over any other soda option. Ordering a Diet Coke serves as a verbal mantra for the
Heterosexual Female that she is, in fact, doing her part to stay fit. Even though the words she uttered before this were
disco fries with extra gravy
.

You can spot a Heterosexual Female at brunch by eavesdropping on her conversation with friends. Topics that will immediately reveal the female as Heterosexual include the cost of moisturizers, Isaac Mizrahi’s fashion line at Target, how the female’s boyfriend and/or husband doesn’t appreciate Gayle King nearly enough, the books of Emily Griffin, guilt over how many Weight Watchers points are involved in ordering the pecan French toast, and declaring “I’m worth it” in regard to said French toast and the six mimosas she has just consumed.

Another easy way to spot Heterosexual Females is by observing them in a popular ritual known as a girls’ night. A girls’ night is a social practice among Heterosexual Females that isn’t all that different than brunch, except that no one orders French toast and if they do it isn’t my place to judge. These events are held on a designated night for them to gather together, let loose, drink cosmopolitans, and have a night just for the ladies. Customarily, they are held in high-end restaurants and bars, but in some cases they are held in unusual venues, such as nail salons, spas, and sex shops where Heterosexual Females purchase boxes of dried pasta in the shape of male genitalia and are given tutorials on how to give better blow jobs.

During a girls’ night, Heterosexual Females discuss their careers, their hopes, and their dreams, but most often complain about the Heterosexual Males in their lives. Some experts say a girls’ night is simply code for a “Can I talk about how bad my boyfriend’s balls smell?!” night. This therapeutic practice of getting together with friends to get things off one’s chest is frequently compared to traditional Native American powwows, Wiccan Sabbat rituals, or AA meetings, except, y’know, with booze.

These evenings tend to get rowdy and loud and are not meant for the inexperienced Heterosexual Watcher. You must enter these encounters on high alert, as there’s a fair chance you’ll end up seeing a grown woman cry over something that happened to her in high school or a mother of three confess that
the only way she can have an orgasm is to watch Johnny Depp in
What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.
*