Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (2 page)

   
9.
I don’t judge. Seriously. I don’t. Except if you’re a serial killer, a con artist, or Julianna Margulies.

 
10.
And finally: I’ve been around Heterosexuals my whole life. Some of my favorite people are Heterosexuals, and I’ve closely studied their uniquely fascinating behavior—from Beer Pong to girls’ nights to the quirky ways they attract their mates—and I’ve compiled all these discoveries into this spotter’s guide.
Plus
, I know what Tina Fey smells like!

Now that you know who I am, it’s my turn to figure out who the hell
you
are. If you’re reading this book, that likely means you’re one of three kinds of people:

   
1.
You, yourself, are a Heterosexual Watcher and are purchasing this spotter’s guide to aid you in your Heterosexual-Watching expeditions. If so, hello, my brethren. Whether you’re a fulltime Heterosexual Watcher or merely an armchair hobbyist, I firmly believe this spotter’s guide will prove helpful to you, and I’m honored to be included in your Heterosexual-Watching adventures.

   
2.
You
are
a Heterosexual and are intrigued to learn more about the species you belong to. Right on! I love learners!

   
3.
You are my mom. Hey, Mom! Great blouse! Chico’s,
*
right?

As you read this book you will probably be met with a lot of burning questions. Questions like: What do I need to Heterosexual-Watch? Where do I go to Heterosexual-Watch? Am I a Heterosexual? Are you going to finish that blueberry crumble muffin? Fear not: In the following pages, I will be answering all these questions and more. However, I will not be answering that last question because,
duh
, I’m going to finish it, and if I’m being honest, I find it kind of rude that you’d even ask me before I’ve even taken my first bite, but whatever. Here are some frequently asked questions.

Heterosexual Watching can be done in pretty much every climate and on every continent. Any major city can serve as a great watching spot. However, centralized sections—such as the Castro District in San Francisco or Chelsea in New York City or a Kathy Griffin stand-up comedy show—are proven to be far more difficult than say, Chattanooga, Tennessee.

You don’t, but just as with anything else in life (except for eating wet dog food or wearing men’s Spanx), you won’t know until you try.

It is best to wear something that will blend in. Just as hunters wear camouflage in the forest, a Heterosexual Watcher should attempt to blend into Heterosexual surroundings. You can achieve this by sporting Heterosexual clothing, such as a Mets cap, tapered jeans, a woman’s peasant blouse (only if you’re a female, of course—sorry, fellas), overalls (but remember to wear a shirt underneath, unless you’re Heterosexual Watching in the Deep South or you’re in an amateur production of
Oklahoma!
), sweatpants that have things such as
Juicy, Pink
, or
Mama’s Behind
written on the butt (again, ladies only), novelty T-shirts, and jackets made by Carhartt.

It isn’t required, and, in some cases, it’s not recommended. A great way to entice Heterosexuals into speaking to you is by inviting them out for a meal. A great Heterosexual once said, “I don’t trust a man until I sit down to dinner with him.” And that great Heterosexual was none other than Jared from Subway.

With the exception of those working in musical theater and/or attending Sarah Lawrence, the answer is most likely yes.

Heterosexuals are attracted to people of the opposite sex; that is what distinguishes them as Heterosexuals. However, even Heterosexual Males find photos of young Brad Pitt to be jaw-dropping and mesmerizing. If they say they don’t, they’re lying to you.

There are many ways to find out if you’re a Heterosexual. For one, try kissing a member of the opposite sex and see how you feel afterward. If you’re turned on, you might be a Heterosexual. If you feel like you just licked an elephant’s butt, you probably aren’t.

Just as you can figure out whether or not you
are
a Heterosexual, there are many warning signs to help you figure out if you’re
not
one. The most effective method tends to be watching the movie
Beaches
and seeing how you feel afterward. However, sometimes that isn’t clear enough. Take a look at these 10 most common warning signs that you are
not
a Heterosexual.

Yes, but that’s a difficult question to answer and relies heavily on the situation you’re in. If you’re in, say, a sauna with your Heterosexual gym buddy, you probably shouldn’t say something like, “I’ve seen
a lot
of movies that start out like this,” no matter how many movies you’ve seen that actually start out like that. However, you’re more than welcome to say, “Did you like
The King’s Speech?
I didn’t.” He will most certainly agree, and you can spend the rest of your gym visit discussing how overrated Helena Bonham Carter is—a subject anyone can relate to.

Sometime around the evolution of man came the evolution of woman. Seeing as there was literally
nothing
to do back then (literally, like not even TiVo), the Heterosexual Male and Female started to occupy their time with casual hookups and eventually reproduction; from there, an army of Heterosexuals were born and continue the Heterosexual lifestyle to this very day.

A few, yes. But it’s hard to say specifically which ones.

There is a fine line between checking someone out and the hobby of Heterosexual Watching. Who among us hasn’t admired a gorgeous married man pushing a grocery cart through the store and buying baby formula? With the exception of lesbians and people who hate babies, everyone has. An attractive fella is an attractive fella, no matter whose team he’s batting for. The same goes for the ladies. But just because you’re staring at some hot guy for the second day in a row at Starbucks, and just because he’s wearing a baby blue–striped tank top today and his pecs are even better than you imagined they would be underneath that American Apparel V-neck he wore yesterday, and just because you keep looking for excuses to turn around and admire his physique, going so far as to spill an entire Greek yogurt parfait on the (very annoyed) woman next to you just so he might get up and offer you a napkin does
not
qualify as Heterosexual Watching.

In such an instance, you are politely admiring the male form or creeping that guy out. Heterosexual Watching is a much more nuanced study of the species and goes
much
deeper than wondering if said hot Heterosexual guy in Starbucks, whom I’ve started calling Billy Santiago by the way, wears boxers or briefs, and whether Billy Santiago lives around here or whether he came back to this Starbucks today in that very revealing tank top to let me know he noticed me, too. Did he?
So, no, Heterosexual Watching is
not
that. It’s a far more serious hobby.
*

Let’s set some ground rules now.