Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (8 page)

   
A plaid sofa with matching pillows.

   
A leather recliner. (Heterosexual Males think of leather recliners the same way I think of coming home and putting a Lily Tomlin comedy album on my record player and pretending I’m her for a solid two hours, by which I mean it relaxes them.)

   
Every
Southern Living
cookbook that’s been published since 1975.

   
Three copies of the Bible that various family members gave to me when I was born, but inside of which I wrote my name over and over until I learned to write other basic kid words like
pee pee
and
Liza
.

   
Catalogues from places like
Eddie Bauer, J. Crew
, and
Cigar of the Month Club
.

   
Female hygiene products under every sink in the house.
*

   
A liquor cabinet that would always remain stocked until I turned 17 and realized I lived somewhere with a liquor cabinet that always remained stocked.