Something Found (9 page)

Chapter 7

Collin got ready for work in his usual grumpy state stumbling over his own shoes and mumbling curses to himself. Emily was awake but not enough to leave the comfort of the bed or acknowledge her husband’s mood. She managed to sit up and give him a sleepy smile and a kiss before he left but when the front door shut she pulled the covers tightly around herself and snuggled back under them. It was another grey morning and nothing about it felt enticing.

Two hours passed before Emily’s eyes popped open to stare at the clock again. She felt sluggish as she took in the glowing numbers. Then she snapped up in disbelief, only to remember that she had nowhere to be and nothing to do. She could lie in bed all day if she liked and it wouldn’t matter.

She managed to prop herself up and supported this way took another look out the window. The rain had stopped but the sky was still dark. It all felt so pointless. Even the rain.

“I want a thunderstorm,” she announced loudly into the room. “There’s never any thunder or lightning here. I want pouring torrential rains and thunder that shakes the buildings or I want it to stop and let the sun come out. What’s the point of all this in between shit? What’s the point?”

She couldn’t help it. She’d been so good the week before. She’d kept herself busy carrying the thought of Collin around with her as she explored the city, keeping Jeremy safely tucked away. But it was a struggle and she knew that that technique would only work for so long.

She could feel it building, the desire to conjure Jeremy up and have him with her. But oddly, as she felt herself doing it, a new feeling grew and she found she was as sick of that as she was everything else.

“I want something for me.” The words weren’t angry this time, just simply stated and true.

Last week had been hard. She’d felt pressured to keep coming home with interesting stories to tell for fear that when she ran out of them that sad look would reappear in Collin’s eyes. And she’d let him decide how their weekend would be spent following him from one pub to another. Not that she hadn’t enjoyed it, she had. But something about the franticness of it disturbed her. As if they were running from something instead of really enjoying themselves.

Emily’s hands came up to her face rubbing at her cheeks and her eyes as if she could erase things and start over. She was tired of expectations and she had had so many of them. Expectations of how married life would be, of how she and Collin would be, of how life in Ireland would be. But none of it was the way she’d thought it would be at all. It was work. If things were going to be okay she was going to have to fight for them. And that meant getting out of the bed.

It wasn’t like her to let life just sail on by. She missed having a purpose. She missed having people who expected her and friendly faces who recognized her. Writing the thank you notes had reminded her of all the people that used to be part of her everyday life. In Chicago at least four mornings a week she treated herself to a mocha and blueberry muffin at the Caribou Coffee. Either Michael or Jen always greeted her. They knew her order and would start getting it ready before she even stepped up to the counter. Sometimes if their breaks coincided with her visit they might even come over and chat with her. It was never anything deep, just about their college courses or the weather even, but she liked it. Emily hadn’t thought to say goodbye to them before she left and suddenly she regretted it. Suddenly she really missed the people she used to pass on her morning runs. The people she never said a word to but who would smile encouragingly as they too made their way along Lake Shore Drive. And she missed her customers, her regulars, the ones she called hers because they came in on her shifts and always sat in her section of the bar on a busy night. And of course she missed her friends. Emily wasn’t always talkative, but she was a great listener. When one of her friends had a problem they almost always came to her. It was because she was the kind of person they could call up in the middle of the night and she wouldn’t care. She’d invite them over for hot chocolate or a glass of wine and listen as long as they needed to talk.

Emily hated feeling like an impatient child, but that was something that was eating at her. Collin’s family didn’t know these things about her. No one but Collin knew these things about her and even he didn’t completely know her. It was as if she had to recreate her identity all over again. They were learning, but the learning seemed like such a slow process. Emily knew if she was making one new friend it wouldn’t bother her, that she would enjoy the getting to know you process, but when everyone was still getting to know her it was frustrating.

But sitting around in bed wasn’t exactly getting her any closer to the way she wanted things to be. Emily had always felt sorry for women who got married and devoted their whole lives to their husbands. She loved Collin, but she was her own person and she needed to decide what that person wanted from her new life. Collin might be afraid to dream up a new future for himself but she wasn’t. And if she had to drag him kicking and screaming into the life he really wanted that’s what she would do for him.

In one quick movement Emily pulled herself from the bed and stripped out of her pajamas facing a sight she’d been ignoring for a while. Braving the mirror she found that it was as she’d feared. Her usually fit body was becoming jiggley. “Too many Irish sausages,” she said aloud. And suddenly she was yearning to go for a run in a way she never had.

Emily rummaged through their closet, it was full of things she’d barely taken notice of while unpacking, and pulled out a pair of sweatpants that had been cut into shorts, an old t-shirt, a sweatshirt, and a pair of runners as she was learning to call them. “Rain or no rain this must be done.”

She did her stretches in the hallway feeling how tight her muscles were. When she was at her best she was running four miles three times a week. But that had been months ago. She knew better than to expect that from her body.

“We’ll just see how far we get,” she thought as she opened the door to a misty Irish morning.

She headed in the same direction she’d gone on her first walk, instinctively seeking out the flat road. Cork had too many hills and Emily had no intention of testing herself that much. She set a slow comfortable pace and enjoyed the feeling of her muscles at work. Instantly she felt more independent, more in control.

She used to love her runs in Chicago. She lived near the lake and ran on the path parallel to Lake Shore Drive. In the summer it was beautiful with the sun shining down and the breeze off the lake. It felt removed from the city, something more peaceful. But her favorite time of year was fall when the leaves were changing. Sometimes she’d go past Lincoln Park Zoo and stop in to have a quick peek at the elephants and the lions. Or sometimes she’d run down the quieter side streets with the beautiful brownstone buildings. She used to dream about eventually buying one and settling in.

Emily felt the frown on her face and picked up her pace that bit more, pushing herself. But her thoughts remained in Chicago. She didn’t like to admit to Collin how much she missed her friends and the easy flow of conversation with people who knew her. She had established a life there in a way she’d never done in Michigan or Minnesota. She had her favorite restaurants and bars, her favorite stores for clothes, and her favorite stores for food. She hated feeling helpless, having to learn it all again. But it was her own fault. She was behaving like a victim, someone who had had a great tragedy happen, instead of reveling in the new experiences.

Emily’s legs strived to move that bit faster, trying to outrun her emotions. But she wasn’t in the shape she used to be and soon breathing became difficult. It was then that she took in her surroundings and realized how far she’d gone. “Shit.”

She’d never be able to make it all the way back. She turned around, making a point of slowing down, and continued to run for another five minutes. Then she gave it up all together and started walking. She’d worn herself out. But it still felt good. She was a bit wobbly but her body felt alive. She could feel her heart pumping at an accelerated rate, pushing the blood through her, waking every part of her.

A car pulled up next to her slowing down. Emily turned expecting to find some unfortunate soul foolishly singling her out for directions. Instead she found Joni.

“What the hell are you doing?”

Emily smiled at her stricken face. “Running. Or I was before I got tired.”

Joni turned her head craning back behind them. “Is somebody chasing you?”

Emily couldn’t help but laugh. “No.”

“Come on and get in the car then. I’ll give you a spin back home.”

Emily thought about refusing. She wasn’t sure she was in the mood for company. But then again she wasn’t sure she could make it home either.

“I thought that was you,” Joni continued as Emily climbed in. “But I didn’t think you’d be so cruel as to abuse your body that way.”

“Joni I like running.”

Again Joni gave her a comically stricken face.

“It feels good. It gives me a chance to think and it gets out my frustration. It makes me feel more alive.” Emily realized she was sounding like one of those annoying guru figures and cut herself off.

“That’s enough of that crazy talk now, girl. We’ll get you home safe and sound and get a nice cup of tea into you and you’ll feel much better.” Joni managed to say it with a straight face then winked teasingly.

“Where’re the kids?” Emily asked when a glance into the backseat showed they weren’t there.

“They’re with Laura. It’s Wednesday. Remember?”

“Oh right.”

“I think she considers them practice for when she has her own.”

Emily felt a stab of guilt. Here she was jobless with all the time in the world on her hands and she hadn’t offered to help Joni once.

Joni noticed her look. “Don’t worry. I’m working you in slowly. You’ll get your turn.”

That was all it took for the guilt to vanish, replaced by fear. “How ‘bout working me in really slowly?”

Joni gave her a playful up and down glance. “With habits like this I don’t know if you’d be such a good influence on them anyway.”

When they got back to the house Joni settled into the kitchen while Emily took a quick shower and changed. She was embarrassed by the bright red color of her face and how out of shape it proved she was.

Emily arrived back downstairs to find Joni listening to one of her David Bowie cds while putting a snack together for them.

“Sorry, I know it’s your refrigerator but old habits die hard.”

“But it’s your day without the kids. Your day off. I can’t have you spending it making food for me.”

Joni shrugged. “It’s not a bother really.”

“But-.”

Joni fell into her chair throwing her arms up in the air and words began exploding from her mouth. “I can’t help it. That’s the problem. I don’t know how to spend it. I have a whole day off and I love the freedom, but I don’t know what to do with it. I went for a spin, got my hair colored, which you didn’t notice thank you very much, ran a couple errands, and then found myself completely at a loss. I feel like a kid with no one to play with.”

Emily looked pointedly to one side and then the other as if really trying to figure something out. “Uhmm, am I invisible or something?”

“Well, I didn’t want to force myself on you like I did last week.”

“Because I’m so busy and all. Yeah, I can really see the problem there.”

Joni laughed. “I didn’t know you did sarcastic so well. Very good.”

Emily felt Joni’s tension ease and seated herself in front of the cut up fruit, sandwiches, and crisps set out on the table. Her stomach growled and she realized how hungry she was. “So, and don’t take this the wrong way, how come you don’t have anyone else to do things with? I thought you had loads of friends.”

Joni shrugged. “We’re all so busy these days that when one of us does have some time it doesn’t usually coincide with anyone else. Louise is busier than ever, she just got another promotion and goes to work in lovely suits and expensive shoes these days. Sharon just had twin boys, and she already has two girls. Need I explain more there? And Heather moved to Galway. Those were my closest friends.”

“Oh,” Emily couldn’t help sounding glum for her.

“Don’t say it that way. It makes me sound pathetic.”

“Please Joni, you’re anything but,” Emily disagreed, meaning it.

“I just want to have some fun, do something exciting. Something different. And you being here doesn’t help. Ever since you arrived, the girl from Chicago, I keep looking at myself wondering how boring I must seem. Especially after talking about London the other day. I feel incredibly dull.”

Emily was surprised that her presence could have any kind of effect on Joni. She seemed like such a force, such a self-contained person, the kind who didn’t need reassurance.

“Okay.” It came out of her mouth before she realized she’d spoken. But this was exactly what she needed as well.

“What?” Joni looked extremely insulted and half rose to leave.

“No. Sit down, sit down. I’m not calling you dull. And I’m not saying I’m some city girl who thinks you’re pathetic. But I’m not going to sit here and try to say things to make you feel better either. I don’t think you’d respect me as much if I did. I’m saying okay, let’s do something. Something exciting, something fun. Honestly it’s probably what I need too.”