Something Found (4 page)

“Yeah,” Emily agreed with the offered excuse.

“It’s hard settling into someplace new. I remember that from moving to London.”

“How long were you there for?” It was hard picturing Joni, the dutiful daughter, mother, and sister, as a young woman trying things out in a new big city. But Emily was eager for any conversation that took the spotlight of her.

“Three years.” Something softened in Joni’s expression and her eyes grew distant. “I was so determined and so ready for it. I was going to know London like the back of my hand, to conquer it and have a blast. But I didn’t know anyone.” Her glance connected with Emily’s for the first time. “It’s not as much fun being in an exciting city when you don’t have anyone to talk to. The first two months were horrible. And my first flat, Christ, I felt like I was intruding on the roaches they’d made such a home of it.”

Emily smiled her first genuine smile of the day. Collin was always talking his sister up but this was the closest she’d ever come to having a personal conversation with her. Emily searched for something to say to keep things flowing.

But Joni seemed content to let the silence descend. She took a sip of her tea, holding the mug between her hands as if using it as a shield to keep Emily at bay. When she did put it down she did it with determination. “This is ridiculous Emily and I’m sorry. You probably know the truth as well as I do. This isn’t just a social call. I’m being a nosey sister-in-law. I haven’t even given you one full day to settle in and I’m down here to check things out. I could say I just wanted to make you feel welcome, but I doubt you’d believe me. And you’d have every right not to. I haven’t made things easy for you.”

The words came out so quickly Emily had to really pay attention to understand what was being said. That and the fact that they were things she’d guessed at before but could never quite prove and had thought herself paranoid to believe. Joni stopped talking long before it all sunk in.

The tea was back in her hands and Joni was waiting for some kind of response but Emily just sat in silence blinking and looking confused.

“It’s just that it’s Collin,” Joni said defensively, as if that explained everything. But when Emily continued to stare blankly she was forced to elaborate. “I love Kevin but we’re not particularly close. And I adore Paul but he’s the baby. The one who really could and probably will break away. I wish him all the luck in the world and realize I have to let him go. But Collin, well . . . . he’s mine.” For once Joni didn’t seem so confident. She looked down at the table as she continued on. “He’s the one that helps. He’s the one I can always call. He’s the one-.”

“But Joni I’m not trying to take him away from you. I could be there to help too.”

“You say that now. But what if one day you decide to up and move back home and you take him with you.” Joni lifted her head and her eyes bore into Emily’s. “Can you really promise me you won’t do that?” Her tone was openly hostile.

It was more than Emily was prepared for. The whole day seemed to be getting out of control. Joni was laying all her cards out on the table and coming on top of everything else it was just too much to handle. Something snapped and Emily felt a shifting inside her. Her back straightened with indignation and her lips pressed together in a tight frown. She finally had someone to direct some of her own anger at. It wasn’t for Joni to judge what happened with her and Collin. And it wasn’t for anybody but Collin to decide what was best for him. Besides which Emily thought she’d made it quite clear that she’d chosen to stay in Ireland. It was a hard enough decision to make without having people second-guessing it all the time.

Joni smiled as she watched Emily’s transformation taking place and her cat like eyes narrowed in concentration. “Yes. That’s better. Collin told me you were stronger than I realized.”

The anger had already begun to build and Emily didn’t feel like being placated so easily. “Just because I’ve been a guest in other people’s homes every time I’ve come here and I’ve tried to be polite in that situation does not mean I’m a pushover,” she said in a low angry voice. “I won’t have you backing me into a corner in my own house. I’ve noticed the way you watch me. I know I’m being judged. But none of this is any of your business. It’s between Collin and myself. I’m not trying to come between the two of you. In fact I’d like to be friends with you. But you make it very difficult with your attitude. I have no intensions of leaving Ireland unless you drive me out of here and that’s because I actually have a rather shitty relationship with my own family and I like the way your family interacts. When you’re not bullying people around that is. So if you could get off my back maybe we might actually be able to get along.” Emily wasn’t sure if she was addressing the right points. But it didn’t matter anymore. These were the pressures she’d felt since her first visit to Ireland and she needed to get them out.

“I know,” Joni said calmly.

“I’m not just an American and I’m getting tired of being looked at that way. I’m a person who happens to love your brother.”

“I know,” Joni repeated.

“And you’re not the only one who’s had a shitty life. I’m sorry you lost your mom and I realize your brother is important to you but at least you had both your parents around for a while. My dad didn’t even stick around to say hello but I can still find the time to show compassion for other people and not get so caught up in my own shit.” It was on the tip of Emily’s tongue to mention Jeremy as well, but she didn’t feel like exposing something so personal while she was upset.

Joni was unperturbed by Emily’s anger. If anything she seemed to be enjoying it.

“Would you wipe that stupid smile off your face, goddamn it,” Emily all but yelled, surprising even herself.

The smile did leave Joni’s face, but only briefly. She and Emily exchanged a look of shock, acknowledging that things had gone further than intended. Then Joni started to laugh.

Emily’s face grew pale and stricken. “I’m so sorry Joni. I didn’t mean . . . that was horrible . . .”

“But you did mean it. And you have every right to say it. I haven’t been on your side for any of this.”

“Still-.”

“And I’m sure you could tell from the beginning. I’ve had you over to my place, let you get to know the kids, had tea and conversation, but I was always holding back while you were trying so hard.”

Emily managed a chuckle. “Yeah. You’ve been fairly fecking annoying honestly.”

“Good girl yourself,” Joni said proudly. “Don’t hold anything back now.”

But Emily had begun to chew on her lip nervously. She hadn’t meant to say so much.

“It’s okay Emily. I understand. You’re probably caught up in so many emotions right now you don’t know what to feel. What to let out and what to keep in. And I’m very good at pushing people’s buttons, believe me.”

Emily nodded, that was true. “I don’t even know how to use the washer and dryer over here,” she said in exasperation as if that explained everything. To demonstrate she pointed at the slowly churning machine. She still hadn’t managed to get the second load in.

“Well that’s because you should be using the line out there to dry your clothes on. The sun may not be splitting the stones but as long as it’s peaking out occasionally your clothes will get dry.”

Emily’s eyes narrowed in annoyance. She couldn’t help it. It was the know it all tone that Joni used.

Joni’s lips twitched with amusement. “We’re going to be okay, you and I. Just be yourself. Don’t put up with my shit when you don’t deserve it.”

Emily nodded, but suddenly she felt exhausted.

Joni stood to make them another cup of tea without asking if Emily wanted it. While the water was boiling she found the butter and some plates and put out the scones she’d made. Emily’s stomach growled and she remembered that she hadn’t eaten yet.

But she couldn’t help the annoyance that reappeared. Before she even took her first bite she knew they’d be delicious. Joni’s cooking always was. “And then there’s this,” she said trying to bring humor into her voice, “I can barely make scrambled eggs and toast and every time I’m in your presence you’re revealing some new amazing thing you’ve cooked.”

“They’re only scones.”

“That’s easy to say for the person who knows how to make them.”

Joni didn’t quite smile but she looked satisfied with the compliment. “I can’t help it. I love cooking. It’s actually what I wanted to do. What I really thought I’d do. I saw myself as a head chef in one of those fancy London restaurants, or maybe even owning my own restaurant one day. But then I got pregnant, and well . . . . .”

“What a defeatist attitude,” Emily couldn’t help sounding shocked. “I never would’ve expected that from you.”

Joni shrugged. “You just have to understand I’m a slightly bitter person.” She said it lightly as she placed the tea on the table and took a seat opposite Emily; as if it was something she’d accepted about herself a long time ago. “I didn’t want to be a mother to my brother’s when my mom died but I had to be. When I was finally able to move to London I was out of here in a shot. I couldn’t wait to see what might happen. I wanted a new life in a new world. I wanted everything. When I got a job at a bar I was determined to learn everything I could there. I was like a sponge. I learned about ordering the food and drink, about making the food, about managing the staff. The other girls used to tease me because I’d take on almost any task they gave me. But I loved it. I saw it as my first step on the ladder to the career I wanted. I even managed to pay for cooking classes while making practically no money.”

It was the way she held herself, the way her laugh still came easily, and the spark in her eyes that conjured up this younger Joni for Emily. She smiled back sharing Joni’s enthusiasm for the girl she used to be.

“And then I met Robert and for a while he made everything even more wonderful. I thought life was really beginning. He took me out to some of those nice restaurants and he gave me a tour of the whole city. He’d moved there from Dublin three years earlier and he’d also been to Australia. He seemed worldly to me at the time.” She rolled her eyes, mocking her younger self. “We went to see shows and he took me on trips to the countryside. We loved staying in as much as we loved going out. We used to talk about everything. We weren’t planning a future we were just enjoying every day. But before I had time to take it all in, to relax and enjoy it, I was pregnant, married, and we had moved back here.” Her voice hardened as she moved from past reveries to current realities. “Everything changed. We got caught up in a routine, in all the day-to-day chores, and I think we both forgot how to make each other laugh. We really used to laugh. I miss that.”

“Oh,” Emily’s face became serious as she watched Joni age in front of her.

Joni waved her hands dismissively. “But what can you do? Life moves on and things change.”

“But you could still -.”

“I have responsibilities now and two young kids. These days the people I cook for are most impressed by my spaghetti Bolognese. That’s just the way it is.”

Emily was just starting to enjoy getting along with Joni after her outburst so she decided not to push the point. “Well the scones are nice anyway.”

“Thanks.” Joni became quiet as if suddenly realizing how much she’d revealed about herself. “Anyway, enough of that. Collin says you like to play Scrabble. Would you be up for a game?”

Emily felt a flash of uneasiness. Things were going a bit too smoothly.

“Come on.” Joni could read her look. “Take it as a peace offering. I don’t often admit to being wrong. Besides Laura’s minding the kids and I don’t really have anything else to do.”

“So I’d be doing you a favor,” Emily said with a twinkle in her eye.

“Don’t push it.”

-

Joni closed the door securely behind her and turned to lean against it. She closed her eyes and lifted her head to the sky. It hadn’t been as bad as she thought it would but it hadn’t been easy either. She hated admitting she was wrong. But then she’d never actually given Emily a chance. She’d behaved as badly as her own kids, treating Collin like a toy she didn’t want to share.

For the first time she saw why Collin loved Emily. She was easy to talk to. She had an honest open look to her and a desire to see the good in people. Joni snorted then covered her nose self-consciously. Emily had to be looking pretty damned hard for the good in her to forgive her so easily. She promised herself she’d make more of an effort and rationalized it by telling herself she was doing it for Collin.

Emily stayed where she was at the kitchen table feeling stunned. That had been unlike anything she’d ever experienced. She and Jeremy had always been open with each other but in a gentle way. Joni’s straight forwardness seemed harsh in comparison. But something about it was refreshing. And Emily found herself being drawn to her new sister-in-law in spite of herself.

Chapter 3

Emily pulled out a new book she’d bought before the wedding and curled up in bed for a few hours. She took the time to enjoy the feel of her clean house, looking around her bedroom with satisfaction. Yes, it was a place she could see herself waking in for some time to come. She liked knowing that all her clothes were tucked away, that her cds were now mingled with Collin’s, and that eventually she’d be able to picture the view out the window with her eyes closed.

When she did get up she walked slowly down the hall, peaking into the bathroom to see her shampoo, conditioner, moisturizers and everything else neatly arranged on the shelves. Heading downstairs she let her fingers glide along the handrail knowing there wouldn’t be any traces of dust. She found that a bit ridiculous because it was only during this moving-in stage that she ever really dusted. It was generally a chore she hated and avoided as much as possible.

Entering the kitchen she found that Collin had folded up the last load of laundry she’d left in the dryer. His cereal bowl was in the sink and even that added to her contentment. She hummed to herself as she set about making instant coffee. She didn’t bother with the other stuff when Collin wasn’t around.

Still, she didn’t feel quite ready to enter the outside world. She wanted to soak up the feel of the little bubble that belonged to her and Collin before she ventured out to explore the rest. She lit a fire for herself and eventually made a ham sandwich. She preferred turkey, but ham seemed to be the thing in Ireland, or at least it was what Joni had bought for them. She pulled out a bag of crisps, which were potato chips, but now chips meant fries so she had to get a new grasp on her potato products.

Emily watched the rain coming down and found herself opening a bottle of wine around three in the afternoon. She was wondering what Jeremy would think of it all. And then she wondered, as she was sure her aunt and mom still did, what Jeremy would be like if he were still alive. Not so much what kind of person he would be, she felt she knew that, but more what kind of life he would be living.

And then her mind drifted down a different path, one that was still new and unfamiliar to her. She wondered what it would be like to have her mother sitting across from her, holding a glass of wine of her own, and talking. It was something they’d never done. Emily’s thoughts touched on the idea and then pulled away from it. She waited for the anger to rise up; but it didn’t. She searched herself for sadness but that wasn’t there either. She poured herself a second glass and let her thoughts continue to choose their own path, thinking they’d wander on. But they didn’t. Again she found herself wondering what it would be like to get to know her mom as a person, to learn how much life had hurt her and why she did the things she did. She had an emerging desire to tell her mom about herself. It was something she hadn’t felt in years.

“I miss you Jeremy,” she said aloud and felt the words echo into the emptiness. She knew the fuzzy glow of the alcohol was beginning to affect her. “I don’t know if I’m ready to do this on my own. I don’t know if I’m ready to grow up. To let go of the past.” But some part inside of her insisted that she was.

Emily had their wedding pictures laid out on the floor next to a gradually filling photo album when Collin came home. She was more than half way through the bottle of wine and her lips were stained red.

“Lush,” Collin said with a delighted smile. He disappeared just long enough to change into jeans and a t-shirt and return with a glass of his own. “How ‘bout I help you with that.”

“The pictures or the wine?” she asked as she filled his glass.

“I guess I could help with the pictures too.”

Emily leaned over to kiss him warmly.

“It was a good day wasn’t it?” She smiled at the faces of all their friends and relatives that had been there to celebrate with them.

“It was a great day,” Collin agreed, amused by her intoxicated state.

Emily pulled out a picture of her mother. She was a short woman, though not as short as Emily. She was thin, she had always been thin, and her dress was simple though elegant. Her brown hair was short and styled perfectly. Her smile was genuine, but tight around the corners.

“Do you miss her?” Collin asked.

Emily shrugged. “I’ve always missed her, even when she was standing right in front of me.” Her words were only slightly slurred. “I don’t think I ever knew her.”

“That’s a weird thing to say. She was so nice to me. Wonderful really. I wish I’d had more time to talk to her.”

“She likes you. She thinks you’re good for me. She says you push me to stand up for myself.”

“I don’t think you need that much pushing.”

Emily didn’t seem to hear his words. “She thinks I’ve relied on men too much all my life. On Jeremy. Then on my friends in Chicago. She couldn’t believe how willing they were to help me when I changed apartments three different times. She kept asking if I made sure to repay them. She didn’t seem to understand that friends just help each other.”

Collin watched Emily, seeing her in a different light. He knew she didn’t get along well with her mother, it was one of the few things that rubbed him wrong in their relationship, but she had never been willing to talk about it before.

“I guess my dad leaving the way he did hurt her in more ways than I’ll ever understand. For a long time I think she stopped trusting people.”

“What about you? How did it affect you?” He pushed a lock of hair out of her face, caressing her cheek gently. He could tell she was drifting away from him.

“It’s hard. It’s always been hard. But for me at least I never knew what I was missing. You can’t miss something you’ve never had.” Emily knew that was a lie even as she said it.

“But she seems happy with Hank.”

Emily shook off the melancholy she’d drifted into and her eyes became clearer. She smiled warmly up at Collin and took another sip of wine. “Yes. Hank is very good for her. I’m happy she has him. I think he saved her.”

“You know you can call her whenever you want Em. Don’t worry about the phone bill. I know you need to keep in touch with people at home.”

“Yeah. I know.” Emily turned back to the pictures shuffling through them. She found one of Collin’s dad dancing with his granddaughter. Leah was standing on her grandfather’s feet with her arms wrapped tightly around his waist. She showed it to Collin and they both laughed.

Emily looked for more of the happy pictures and they started reminiscing about the fun they’d had that day. It wasn’t long before Collin was opening another bottle of wine.

The phone rang around eleven a.m. and Emily groggily pulled the covers over herself trying to hide from it. Her head pounded while she waited for the noise to stop. She felt no need to answer it and eventually her silent prayers were answered and the room went quiet again. But less than a minute later the cell phone Collin had bought her started its own dance beat ring, vibrating on the table next to the bed with urgency.

“Jesus Christ,” she swore as she slowly sat up and reached for it. “Hello,” she answered, wondering if her annoyance could be heard.

“Hey Emily. It’s Joni.”

“Oh. Hi,” Emily mumbled.

“You’re still in bed aren’t you?”

“Well . . . yeah.”

Joni laughed. “Collin told me you’re trying to adjust to Ireland in more ways than one. But wine can leave you with a nasty headache.”

Emily felt embarrassed. She wasn’t used to the way Collin talked about her with his family. She knew he didn’t mean anything by it, but it still made her feel awkward.

“If you’re wrecked it’s grand, but the kids really would like to see you. Leah can’t get enough of her American auntie.”

“Oh,” Emily didn’t have an answer.

“If you’d like to come up I could drop down and get you, say in about an hour. We could just have some lunch. You might feel better with some food in your stomach.” She let her offer hang there, waiting for a response.

Emily weighed her options, she could stay in bed and continue to feel like shit, or she could get up and make an attempt at doing something with her day. “Yeah, okay. Only I’d like to take a bath. Could we make it an hour and a half?”

“No problem.”

Emily could hear Joni’s amusement over the line as she hung up.

Joni showed up with both kids in tow. Leah, at three, sat in a large car seat in the back while Owen, at fourteen months, was snuggly strapped into a smaller version of the same thing.

“I could’ve taken a cab up,” Emily said. Her expression of suffering dropped when she realized what a pain it must be for Joni to get the kids ready and load them up just to come down and collect her.

“Nonsense. It’s not a bother. Besides they love going for spins, even short ones. How’s the head?”

Emily smirked. “It’s getting better. I’ve already had about two pints of water.”

“That’ll help. But I can pick something up if you want. I need to make a quick stop at the chemist anyway and then just grab some milk and bread on the way home,” Joni’s tone was businesslike as she glided the car back into afternoon traffic.

“Okay.”

“It’s actually easier having you along. I can leave the kids in the car with you and not worry about disaster.”

“Oh. Right.” Emily began to understand why she was getting chauffeur treatment.

“Hello Emily,” Leah said shyly from the backseat.

“Hello Leah,” Emily returned the greeting and felt a smile spread over her face.

Emily wasn’t used to children, having no brothers and sisters and Jeremy being the only cousin she’d known. She’d been intimidated by Collin’s niece and nephew the first few times she’d met them, not knowing how to interact. But the more time she spent around them the more she enjoyed their company. They were loving kids who were used to being loved in return. Emily soon found it was sometimes easier to be around them than the rest of her new relatives.

Joni made three stops instead of two on the way home, remembering that she had dry-cleaning to pick up as well. Then there was the process of unloading everything as Joni ushered Emily into the kitchen. “I’ll settle Owen into the front room as long as he’s sleeping. Just hang the dry cleaning over one of the chairs and go ahead and put on the kettle.”

There were kid’s toys and clothes scattered throughout the place. Emily tried to maneuver through the kitchen without stepping on any of them while she searched for the kettle and mugs.

“Don’t mind the mess,” Joni said as she joined her taking over the tea making process.

“No problem.” Emily was grateful for the chance to sit down again. When she stood for too long her head started pounding. Leah followed her over to the chair and barely waited for her to sit before crawling into her lap.

“I made a stew this morning. I can heat it up if you’d like. Are you hungry?” Joni moved from clearing space at the table, to checking the kettle and pulling out tea bags, to picking up a few clothes around the place, to the refrigerator to get the milk.

Emily turned her attention to Leah. Following Joni’s movements was making her dizzy. “No. No. I’m fine. I can wait.” She was also starting to feel guilty. “God I must seem lazy to you,” she blurted out.

Joni turned from the sink rolling her eyes and smiling. It wasn’t so much a warm smile as one bordering on frustration. But her eyes caught Emily’s and she seemed to appreciate the comment. “Everyone without kids seems lazy to me. Sometimes I could kill you all. Bastards,” her tone was light and joking, but there was a hint of something more serious behind her words. “I’d love to be able to have a real lie in like you. To remember what it’s like to slowly wake up. To get out of bed when I’m ready. To come downstairs to a quiet and clean house.”

“Don’t you get any time to yourself?” Emily asked in amazement. She honestly couldn’t fathom a life where she had no time to sit and read or just relax for a bit. She really wasn’t used to being around families like this one. When she was a kid she was forced to find her own entertainments. From a young age she sensed that her presence disturbed her mother.

Joni turned away again. “Wednesdays,” she said the word as if her salvation was to be found in it. “Kevin’s girlfriend Laura takes them every Wednesday on the condition that I do something for myself with the time.”

“Well that’s something,” Emily said, but her voice lacked conviction.

“Yeah,” Joni breathed out. “Something.”

“You’re making Mammy sad,” Leah said accusatively.

“I didn’t mean-,”

“Oh, she is not,” Joni turned back with a bright smile glued to her face. Then her eyes narrowed with the trained perception of a mother. “Have you been eating Emily?”

Emily was surprised by her directness. Most people would have skirted around the subject. “Yes,” she answered instinctively, fighting off the urge to add ‘ma’am’. “Just not as much lately. My body’s still adjusting to the travel and the time zone. I’m just not really hungry during the day.”

Joni seemed to see through the excuses. “Well you can’t refuse the stew. It would set a bad example for the kids.”

“I always have to eat what’s put in front of me,” Leah said, looking very put out.

“Well your mother knows what’s best for you, doesn’t she?” Emily looked down at the little girl sitting comfortably in her lap and felt a weird kind of peace she’d never experienced settle into her.