Something Found (11 page)

There were two couples browsing around the store when Emily entered and a man in his fifties was talking to Kevin. Emily spotted Collin and smiled. The dull feeling that had hung with her for the walk lifted. She waved girlishly and headed over to him. Collin smiled back, but it was a mere twitch of his lips. It wasn’t the heartwarming kind of smile she was looking for.

“Am I disturbing you?” Emily asked quickly.

Collin’s features softened. “No. No. It’s not you.” His eyes darted over to Kevin. “I’m just going to have to stay a little late today. Kevin and I have some things to discuss.”

It was the emphasis on the word things that made Emily realize whatever they were they weren’t good. “Oh.” She tried to hide her own disappointment and focus on her concern for him instead. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, sure. Everything’s grand.”

There was that word she was getting sick of. Every time Emily asked how Collin’s day was the answer was the same, “grand”, with no elaboration. She used to think it was a nice word, quaint, but lately it was getting on her nerves. It was basically the same as “fine” at home. How much it rang true depended on the way it was said.

“How was your night anyway?” Collin switched gears.

“Good,” Emily answered enthusiastically, her hand instinctively going to her head.

“I see,” Collin managed his first genuine smile.

“Yeah,” Emily blushed not sure why she was embarrassed.

“So what can I do for you? If you’d come a little earlier we could’ve gone to lunch but I just ate.”

“I’m not sure if my stomach’s ready for food anyway,” Emily confessed. “I just needed some fresh air and I wanted to see you.”

“Oh. It’s one of those hangovers, is it? Left you feeling down and disoriented?”

Emily was surprised by how accurately he described her mood. “Yeah.”

“Right. I’ll finish up as early as I can. Then we’ll curl up with a good movie and you’ll be fine by tomorrow. Just head on home and take it easy.”

He kissed her on the top of the head and Emily felt like a child being dismissed. But once outside the door she knew she couldn’t face going home yet. The guilt wasn’t going to disappear that easily.

Emily wandered on through the city streets wondering what to do. She didn’t feel like entering any of the buildings she passed. She didn’t want to browse through clothes and she didn’t want coffee or alcohol. She was mad at herself and felt she deserved the cold breeze in her face. She deserved a bit of suffering. But that got old as well. Then, unexpectedly, inspiration hit. She watched a woman with a full cart of groceries steering it over to her car and tried to remember the last time she’d been in a supermarket. Was it really in Chicago?

Emily had gotten used to Collin picking up the bits and pieces they needed on his way home from work, or ordering out when they curled up with a movie. Yesterday she’d been fine with that. But suddenly it seemed to have all gotten a bit out of hand. They were still living like honeymooners instead of settling into real life. It was time she took steps to change things. She’d cook.

Even as she thought the words she wondered at her state of mind. She obviously wasn’t feeling well. Some part of her brain must have been affected by all the drinking and decided to shut down. But she needed to feel useful. It was the only way to relieve her conscience. And it might be just what Collin needed. Not to see her acting like a tourist but like someone who actually belonged.

Emily placed all the bags on the kitchen table feeling proud of herself. Not only had she managed to shake her hangover, she’d successfully completed her first solo food-shopping excursion. The Tesco had been a little daunting as women and men who knew what they wanted and where to get it pushed past her, but Emily had managed to find most of what she needed. She was disgusted with the lack of peanut butter options and found it difficult to believe that they didn’t have Monterey Jack cheese or Triscuits, but she had made do and had gotten almost everything on her list. She was determined to make a dinner for Collin.

Humming to herself she unpacked the bags filling the fridge and the cupboards. She added more spices to their spice rack and contentedly looked over her full pantry. She’d never had a full pantry before in her life. She wasn’t even sure she’d used the word pantry before. It inspired the illusion that she could cook and she was counting on that illusion to help her through. She’d decided to make a roast chicken. It was one of Collin’s favorite meals and she’d seen a recipe for it in one of his cookbooks that wasn’t too intimidating. Still she’d had to call Joni twice while shopping to make sure she had everything she needed.

On an impulse Emily reached for her phone again. It rang only twice and was answered by Kevin. “Ryan’s Furnishings. How can I help you?”

“Hello Kevin. It’s Emily.” She still felt a little awkward with Collin’s brother so she skipped the small talk. “Uhm, is Collin there? I mean is he free for a minute?”

“Oh hi Emily. Sure, I’ll get him for you.”

Emily was put on hold only to discover that businesses in Ireland used the same horrible elevator music American ones did.

“Em?”

“Hey Collin,” her voice warmed with the surprise she was going to give him.

“Feeling better? I talked to Joni. It seems her memory’s missing certain details from the evening but when the kids woke her around eight she was hating you.”

“Well the shots were her idea,” Emily said defensively. “And I told her that myself, just a little while ago.”

“Shots?”

“Well, yeah. Anyway that’s not why I’m calling. I’m just back from shopping and have everything to make you a wonderful dinner.”

“Really?” The disbelief in his voice was very apparent. “That’s great. But you don’t have to. I thought we’d order out.”

“I know but I don’t think I can take much more of Chinese and pizza. I thought I’d surprise you.”

“That’s wonderful Em. If you’re really up to it.”

“Isn’t it?” She could hear the delight in his voice and allowed herself to feel a little better. “I was just wondering if we should invite your dad over. I thought it might be nice.”

“That’s sweet but he’s actually out of town at his brother’s.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I can always tell because Laura spends every night up at the house with Kevin when Dad’s away and it makes him almost human.”

“When did he leave?”

“Last Thursday I’m sure. She’s been up there for the last week. The place will probably be spotless when he gets home.”

“Oh. Okay.” Emily was confused but tried not to show it.

“I could invite Kevin and Laura if you’d like,” Collin suggested.

“I thought you and Kevin weren’t getting on.”

“No. No. We sorted it out. Just me overreacting a bit. Believe it or not sometimes I make mistakes.”

“Not you,” Emily feigned shock.

Collin chuckled. “So how ‘bout it?”

“Uh, well . . . .” Emily hesitated. She was glad that Collin and Kevin had ironed out their differences but she wasn’t sure her first big cooking attempt was the best way to celebrate. “Maybe not yet. It’s my first real attempt and Laura’s so good at everything she does, maybe some other-.”

“No problem Em. Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you around six. I’ll pick up a nice bottle of wine. And if it turns out horribly we can always order a pizza.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“Anytime.”

Emily hung up her mobile and stood with it still resting in her hand. It was nice to hear Collin in a good mood after their earlier encounter, but something was eating at her. Something didn’t feel quite right. It was possible that Collin was wrong or that maybe Kevin was wrong about exactly when Joseph had left, but it was definitely Friday afternoon that she’d last seen him at Kennedy’s. He hadn’t said anything about a trip to his brother’s, and he’d told her to stop in this week to see him, but that didn’t necessarily mean he hadn’t gone. Emily decided to keep her curiosity to herself until she saw Joseph again.

“Okay, right, a chicken,” Emily pulled the bird back out of the refrigerator eyeing it nervously. “I bet you never thought you’d see me doing this,” Emily said aloud. But she didn’t turn her head from her task and she didn’t elaborate.

Collin poked his head through the door with his nose twitching. “Has Joni been here?” His eyes narrowed suspiciously as he approached the oven.

“No. She has not.” Emily slapped his hand playfully before he could open it. “Although I did call her a couple times,” she admitted guiltily. “I had to listen to her complain about me for a good ten minutes before I got any kind of help out of her.”

“Serves you right, lush.”

“Be nice or you’re not getting any dinner.”

Collin lifted pot lids and tried again to peek into the oven. “I mean how horrible of her when she was the one forcing the drink down your throat.”

“That’s better.” Emily stepped out of the way and let him take a look at the products of her labor.

“It smells delicious.”

“I know, doesn’t it?” Emily couldn’t help sounding surprised. “If it’s this easy I can’t understand why my mom couldn’t put a meal on the table at least once in a while without absolutely ruining it.” She meant it as a joke but soon saw it wasn’t taken that way.

Collin gave her a disapproving look and Emily wished she’d kept her mouth shut.

“Have you called her yet?”

Emily turned back to the stove stirring the peas. “Hmm?” was all she managed to get out.

“Your mother, the woman who gave birth to you, have you called her?”

Emily opted not to mention her mother’s early afternoon call feeling it wouldn’t reflect well on her. “No,” she said softly. “I was too busy getting all of this done. I’ll do it tomorrow.”

“Don’t you want her to know how you’re doing? I’m sure she’s worried about you being in a different country and all. Don’t you want her to know you’re alright?”

Collin’s voice was filled with reproach and it only fueled her own self-loathing. “I said I’ll do it tomorrow Collin and I will,” she snapped at him. “I’ve spent the last two hours trying to make you a nice dinner. Can’t we just leave it at that for now and enjoy the evening?”

Collin gave her an unimpressed look and tried to decide how far to push things. “Of course Em,” he eventually said placatingly. “The dinner looks lovely. And if you say you’ll do it tomorrow then I’m sure you will,” he added, refusing to give up his point completely. “Now,” he forced lightness back into his voice, “what can I do to help?”

“You can set the table,” Emily answered in a flat voice.

They moved around the kitchen in an uncomfortable silence as Collin got the table ready and Emily continued to keep an eye on the food. They were getting to know each other and their home better and could now read each other’s movements. They didn’t make contact or even exchange a glance as they moved back and forth through the room. But the tension continued to grow to an uncomfortable level.

“Look Collin you’re right okay. You’re right.” Emily had moved to stand in front of the table blocking him from his task. “And my mom called this morning and I was too hung over to talk to her. And I do want her to know how I am. And I’m sorry I’m getting mad at you. I’m just messing everything up when all I wanted to do was make you happy.” Emily’s voice rose as her lips turned down.

Collin put down the cutlery he was carrying and cupped her face in his hands. “You’re not messing anything up you fool.” He couldn’t help being amused by her childish outburst. “All you have to do is pick up the phone and make a call tomorrow as we already agreed you would. And all you have to do right now is dish up the wonderful meal you made for us. Then we’re going to sit down and enjoy the rest of our evening. Nothing more needs to be said about it, okay?”

Emily sniffled. “Okay.”

“No tears. We’re a happy couple remember,” he teased.

“Okay.”

Chapter 8

Putting down her book Emily looked at the clock for the third time in twenty minutes. There was no point reading anymore. She wasn’t paying attention to the words on the page and she was tired of rereading the same paragraph. Besides, it was almost one o’clock, as good a time as any to see if there was any reason for the growing suspicion in her stomach.

She put on her shoes and coat and headed out the door. This time she didn’t pretend she was trying to see some new part of the city and she didn’t even take the time to struggle with whether or not to bring Jeremy along. She had a purpose. And after only one wrong turn she made her way to Kennedy’s.

It took her eyes a minute to adjust to the dim interior and take things in. The scene was the same as it always was. Even the same two men were sitting at the bar, possibly in the same suits, watching the t.v. And there in the chair by the fire was the person she was looking for.

Joseph was tucked comfortably into his corner of the bar. There was a pint of Guinness and a newspaper in front of him.

For a minute Emily considered turning around and leaving, pretending she hadn’t seen him. But curiosity got the better of her.

He looked up as she approached and smiled warmly at her. He didn’t look like a man who was trying to hide something.

“Hello Emily. How’s it goin’? Good to see you again.”

“Hi Joseph.”

“Frank,” Joseph called out warmly. “A hot port please?” he looked inquiringly at Emily as he ordered it.

Emily nodded. Feeling like a clumsy private investigator in a really bad movie she took a seat across from him. “I thought you were supposed to be at your brother’s,” she said in a voice she hoped didn’t quaver. There was no point beating around the bush, she wasn’t good at things like this.

Joseph gave her a very direct look. He folded up his newspaper and sighed. “Did you really? Is that why you’re here?”

Emily blushed. “Well . . . .”

There was a moment when Emily thought things might go very badly. Joseph stared at her in a funny way and she couldn’t quite read his expression. She waited to see if she’d already blundered in and messed things up with this man she was becoming very fond of.

“Maybe you’re being a bit nosey child.”

Emily felt her pulse quicken.

“Or maybe you’re just concerned for your new family.”

“I wasn’t trying to . . . . I mean I was just . . . .” Emily trailed off into silence not sure how to justify budding in.

Frank came by and placed Emily’s drink in front of her and sensing a tense moment excused himself without comment.

But Joseph chuckled and his face brightened. “It seems you’ve caught me Emily. And I could probably come up with about five or six really good lies to explain myself but the truth is I don’t want to.”

Emily didn’t even notice the drink in front of her. She was too intent on Joseph, hanging on the words he was about to say.

“I, my dear daughter-in-law-,”

She took a deep breath in.

“Have,” he paused.

And it caught in her throat as she waited.

“A girlfriend.”

And then she let it out. It was a very anticlimactic moment. “Oh.” She was sure she looked confused so she tried to change her expression. “Well that’s great.”

“I know, isn’t it?” He took a sip of his Guinness.

“But it doesn’t explain why your kids thinks you’re visiting your brother,” Emily persisted.

“Then you don’t know my kids very well.”

Emily finally looked down and noticed the hot port.

“It’s not as good when it’s cold.” Joseph nodded towards it as well.

Emily took a sip, waiting for him to get to the point.

“You see a few years ago I met an absolutely wonderful woman named Anne. She was smart, she was funny, and she was quite a looker,” he said with a wink. “And I couldn’t wait for my kids to meet her. I thought they’d love her. And I thought they’d be happy for me. It wasn’t until then that I realized just how rude my kids can be when they want to be.”

“No?!” Emily blurted in disbelief.

“Oh yes. I know they loved their mam and I know they still miss her, and I know that my relationship with her was special and can never be duplicated, but I didn’t actually think they’d begrudge me the chance to find somebody new, to find something new. I was wrong. They scared her off pretty fast and I wasn’t man enough to stand up for myself or her.”

“But if they scared her off-.”

“The woman I’m dating now and have been dating for the last year is named Martha. And I’m still not so sure I want the kids to meet her.”

“But you disappear for weeks at a time.” Emily was still trying to put the whole story together. “Why?”

“It’s easier for the kids to believe I’m at my brother’s that way. And I can stay at Martha’s seeing her for a whole week without interruption,” he said with a sly smile.

“But you’re still in town, don’t you ever worry they’ll find out?”

“In the beginning I did. I even made sure my brother Patrick would cover for me if it ever came up. He’s older than me and lives out in the country. He hasn’t got too much going on to spice up his life and he liked being involved in the cover up. In those early days I made sure not to leave Martha’s place at all. But she goes in to volunteer at a charity clothes shop from twelve to four Monday through Friday and I started to get bored. I know where the boys are during the day. Joni is the only one who might see me. Not that any of them have come in here since their mam passed. I used to be more careful, but lately . . . well, maybe I’m getting sick of sneaking around like a teenager. It was kind of fun at first, but . . . . it’s embarrassing. And I think Martha’s getting sick of it as well.”

“That explains why you kept looking at your watch the last time I was in here.”

“Hmmm?”

“It was going on four. I thought I was boring you or something but you were just waiting for Martha.” Emily smiled enamored by the idea of Joseph in love.

“She sometimes meets me here for one before we head home.”

“I still can’t believe your family would be so horrible.”

“Believe it,” Joseph said firmly.

“But the other relationship was a while ago. Maybe they wouldn’t be that way now.”

“Maybe,” Joseph’s tone was doubtful.

“Well I’d like to meet her.” Again Emily felt she’d overstepped herself. “I mean if you don’t mind of course,” she added quickly.

Joseph felt the warm glow of love towards this optimistic girl across from him. “No. I wouldn’t mind. It’d be nice really. I think Martha’d like that.”

Emily reached out impulsively to put her hand on Joseph’s forearm. “Well I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you.” Joseph covered her small delicate fingers with his large callused hand. “It’s nice to actually be able to say it out loud to a member of the family.”

Emily beamed back at him. It meant so much that he’d already accepted her. “And I won’t tell Collin.”

Joseph shrugged. “Maybe you should. Maybe it would be easier that way, if he heard it from you.”

Emily shook her head. “No. I don’t think so. Not right now anyway.”

Emily stayed for one more drink and then decided it was time to head home. She wanted to meet Martha but she thought she’d better give Joseph the chance to tell her first. She left him to his paper and his Guinness but couldn’t stop thinking about him on her walk. Here he was a man who’d suffered so much, who’d lost his wife and raised his kids on his own, he’d finally found some happiness with another woman and now his own children wouldn’t let him enjoy it. It wasn’t right. Everybody deserved a second chance at happiness.

Even as Emily thought the words she could feel her own guilt coming back. She could hear her mother’s nervous voice trying to make an opening gesture over the phone. Collin had accused her of not being able to see her mother as a person but he had made the same mistake with his father and she saw how wrong that was. It annoyed her to have to turn that same logic around on herself. But there it was.

Emily began to wonder at what point she’d stopped reaching out to her mom and started turning her energy towards punishing her. Because that’s what she’d done and that’s what she was still doing only she no longer knew why. At first it had been because her mother seemed cold, and then it had been because she thought it was her mother’s fault her father left her. But she knew those weren’t the reasons anymore.

Emily froze in her tracks as she unexpectedly felt and placed the anger that was still inside her. It was something almost too horrible to admit but she could no longer deny it. She was punishing her mom for still being alive while Jeremy was dead. She felt the blood drain from her face as she accepted it as the truth. She never could have put it into words before, but suddenly it was very clear.

Emily looked around her and for a moment couldn’t place where she was or how she’d gotten there. Nothing looked familiar. She felt lost and alone. But instead of seeking Jeremy’s company all she wanted was to get to a phone as quickly as possible. She desperately needed to call her mom.

In a second she was back again and her pace was doubled carrying her forward as fast as her legs could go.

Was that what her mom had done? Punished her for being the one that was left when the man she loved was gone? Could she understand and accept that? Could she forgive her mom for that? Or was she jumping to conclusions again? How was she supposed to figure any of it out?

She barely took the time to take off her coat in her haste to get to the phone. She looked at the clock and did the mental calculation. It would be about nine o’clock in Minnesota. She could call her mom at work and get ahold of her before she was too busy.

Emily sat on the couch with the phone in hand. She started dialing as she kicked her shoes off and pulled her legs up against herself. She was embarrassed by how nervous she felt calling her own mother but didn’t have long to think about it.

“Carlton and Smith’s offices, this is Jocelyn, how can I help you?”

Emily listened to the sound of her mother’s voice and found her own was caught in her throat. “Mom,” she struggled to get the word out.

“Emily?”

“Yeah. Are you busy?”

“No. Not yet. I can talk,” her mother quickly reassured her. “How are you?”

“Good. I’m good Mom. I’m settling in.” Emily’s free hand fidgeted, playing with the blanket next to her unconsciously. “I’m getting to know Collin’s family better and better. They’re all really nice.” She heard these mundane words coming out of her mouth while her heart continued to race.

“Good. Good. They seemed like nice people at the wedding. And Collin, how are the two of you doing?”

She could hear the concern in her mother’s voice. It came out awkwardly but it was there. Before she would have been offended by it. She would have assumed her mother was judging her relationship. But now she was able to hear the love there. Her mom just wanted to know she was okay.

“We’re doing well. We really are. It’s weird, adjusting to things here. It’s a little hard sometimes. But Collin and I are good.” It was the most she’d opened up to her mom in years.

“Well that’s to be expected I suppose. I was worried about it. But I know you’re strong enough to get through it.”

“Thanks.”

“Emily,” there was a pause, something muffled and emotional, “I’m just so happy to hear your voice.”

“It’s good to hear yours too mom.” Emily was surprised by how much she really meant it. “How’re you doing?”

“Oh the same as always,” her mother said lightly, keeping the conversation from getting too emotional “Hank is helping me to plant my tulip bulbs for next spring. He even suggested we get a puppy. Can you imagine me with a puppy? But I kind of like the idea.”

Emily fought down the resentment that still sprang up so easily. She made the child who had yearned for a puppy for years shut up and tried to be happy for her mother. “I bet you’d be great with one. So long as it doesn’t trample your garden.”

Emily could hear her mother’s voice become more serious. “I never thought of that.”

“Look Mom, I won’t keep you too long. I know you’re at work. But I’ll call again soon. I promise. We have a lot to talk about.” Those last words were the hardest to say. It wasn’t easy for her to admit she was ready to talk about the past. She still preferred running from it.

“Yes Emily. We do,” her mother’s voice was solemn, acknowledging what Emily was getting at. “We really do.”

There was another uncomfortable pause and Emily didn’t know how to fill it.

“Well, give my love to Collin. And I love you too Emily.”

“I know. I love you too Mom.”

Emily hung up the phone. It had been awkward and uncomfortable, but it was a start.