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“I guess.”

“Of course she does.”

“Can I have tea too mam?” Leah asked, watching her mother make tea for the adults. Her voice rose as she sang out the question loudly making Emily jerk in her hung over condition and the peaceful state slipped.

“Of course you can dear.” Joni poured a small amount of tea from her own mug into one for Leah then added a large portion of milk. “But you have to drink it carefully and not spill it all over Emily.”

“I’ll be careful,” she promised solemnly.

“Good girl.”

Emily turned to watch Joni again as she moved through her kitchen in full control. She tried to look at her as if she’d never met her, without the judgments she’d built up over the last year. She was tall (everyone in the Ryan family was tall) with long straight black hair. She wore jeans and a black sweater. She gave the impression that in her day she was well into style. Her movements were precise. Her long fingers were delicate but strong and her eyes were a captivating deep grey. Emily could see how Robert had fallen for her. She could picture her as the headstrong young woman who had moved to London.

Owen started screaming in the front room and the picture faded. “He’ll need his bottle,” Joni said as she disappeared to collect him.

When she returned her expression was slightly more frazzled. “Leah, why don’t you be a big girl and sit in your own chair. Let Emily hold Owen for a minute.”

“But I don’t want-,” Leah dragged the words out beginning her protest.

Joni’s eyebrows arched up and her mouth became a tight line. It was a face Emily wouldn’t want directed at her.

Leah climbed down and Emily handed her her tea, which she carefully carried over to a different chair.

“Now.” Joni handed Owen over to Emily. He fussed for a minute then turned to see who the new person holding him was.

Emily stared back with the same look of wonder on her face.

“Imagine. I used to spend my Fridays getting ready for a wild night out, or even starting out in the afternoon,” Joni said as she efficiently prepared the bottle. “I do miss the pub.”

For the first time Emily stopped to consider what it meant for Joni to be the older sister to a bunch of dependent little brothers all needing the care of a mother. “Don’t you ever get out?” she asked. “I mean besides Wednesdays?”

Joni caught Emily’s expression and stopped in mid-movement to laugh a true and genuine laugh. “Jesus you have a lot to learn about kids.” Then she continued on before Emily had a chance to be offended. “Of course I get out. I’d go crazy if I didn’t. My dad watches them sometimes or Robert’s parents will take them for an occasional weekend. That’s hard because they live three hours away. But it changes when you have little ones at home to worry about. You can’t have a really mad one. Or you can, but not so often. I’d love to have a day like you did yesterday. Sorting through pictures with a bottle of wine. It sounds like heaven.”

Emily finally understood that she wasn’t being made fun of; she was being envied.

“Emily I hate to ask,” Joni interrupted her thoughts changing the subject, “but would you mind sitting with the kids in the front room and just watching a movie. They’ll stay in there if you’re with them and they shouldn’t be too much trouble. Then I could just straighten the place up a bit. It would really help. And I’ll have your lunch ready in about an hour or so.”

“Of course Joni.” Emily stood, awkwardly adjusting Owen before she felt she had a comfortable hold on him.

“Thanks.”

Joni put on Cinderella and bundled them all up on the couch. Emily couldn’t help being amused as Joni tucked the blanket in all around them. She was torn between feeling like a really big child herself and a chained in babysitter. To her left Owen held his bottle tightly as he leaned up against her. He eyed his mother warily for a moment when she took a step back, but seemed to make the decision not to protest. On Emily’s right Leah had curled up closely, holding her hand.

“This is my favorite movie,” Leah whispered quietly.

“I like it too,” Emily whispered back.

Leah smiled her approval.

“They’ll be good for about an hour,” Joni warned. “Enjoy it while it lasts.”

Then she disappeared out the door.

-

Back in the kitchen Joni sagged into her chair. She had a myriad of options before her as far as cleaning was concerned but all she wanted was a minute to sit and drink her tea in silence. She didn’t even feel guilty for roping Emily into helping her. She wasn’t asking for much and Emily was family now. She would have to learn what that entailed.

But what Joni couldn’t get over was the way Emily looked at everything. It was her wide-eyed innocence to the way families operated. Joni couldn’t believe Emily could be so unaware of what it was like to be a busy mother. Emily had had a single mother after all. Even if she’d lived with her aunt as well she should still have some clue as to how busy her mother was. But what unnerved Joni even more was the effect Emily was having on her because of that innocence. She found herself opening up in ways she didn’t like to. In ways she hadn’t in years. Things were slipping out without her wanting them too. And she wasn’t sure if it made her like or dislike Emily more.

-

“What was Joni like when she was younger?” Emily asked. She was wearing one of Collin’s sweaters and had a blanket pulled over her. They were sitting outside looking up at the stars.

Collin turned his head and noted that the ever-present tension of Emily’s first few days in the house had eased from her face. He inhaled his cigarette then exhaled slowly. “What do you mean? When she was really young or-?”

“When she was in her late teens, right before she went to London?”

Collin smiled a slow mischievous smile. “She was a terror.”

“Really?” Emily was surprised.

Collin took a slow sip of wine picturing Joni before he continued. “Don’t let the in-control-mother front fool you. She was. It was like she had all this energy pent up inside her and she could finally get it out. Paul was nine when Joni turned eighteen and she finally felt she could leave him in our hands on occasion. Well, usually mine. Kevin never had much use for babysitting younger brothers. You should have seen her too. She was beautiful. I mean she still is, she’d kill me if she heard me say it that way. But she had this look about her, like she wasn’t scared of anything.”

“She still has that look,” Emily said. “She can be intimidating.”

“That’s for show more than anything. She’s a softie at heart.”

“Easy for you to say. She’s your sister.”

Collin sighed. “Em, don’t take this the wrong way, but, we’re Irish. None of us pour our hearts out the way ye Americans do. It’s just not in us, unless we’re drunk. I mean we talk about things, we talk about everything. But we don’t get as emotional as ye Americans. I hope you two do become close, but it’ll take time to really get to know Joni.”

“Yeah, yeah, more lectures on how to be Irish,” Emily said brusquely. She didn’t like it when Collin tried to teach her lessons like that. “People are people Collin, different cultures or not and I’ll relate to her however I want to.”

Collin smiled at her stubbornness. “I guess you will.”

Chapter 4

Sunday was to be a family dinner and while Emily wasn’t exactly dreading it, it was the kind of thing that made her feel in over her head. She’d been going over the two days she’d spent with Joni trying to figure out what about them unnerved her so much. And what it came down to was family. There was such a sense of family among Collin’s relatives, an easiness with each other and in each other’s space. Emily felt her own borders, which she’d spent her whole life building up, being crossed over. And while she was okay with letting those borders down for Collin, someone she knew and someone who loved her, she wasn’t so sure about dropping them for everyone else.

“It’s no big deal Em,” Collin said for the third time. He’d been watching as she tried on and discarded two different outfits. “It’s just the family.” He sat in the big sofa chair that took up more of the bedroom than was justified but that neither of them wanted to move. He wore jeans and a sweater. He was loose and relaxed, sitting slumped in the chair with his legs spread out.

“Yeah, your family. Of course it’s no big deal to you.”

“Em, you’ve had dinners with them before-.” He smiled through his frustration, touched by her concern.

“Yes, but I wasn’t married to you then. I was just the American guest. I don’t think any of them thought we’d actually take it to the next level. I was just a novelty.”

Collin shook his head at her. She could be so overly dramatic sometimes. “A novelty?” Her face darkened and Collin switched gears. “Emily we were engaged for months and we’ve been married for weeks, well two, but that’s not the point. You’re one of us now, not some blow in. You’re part of the family.”

But Emily’s mood didn’t lighten.

“Come on now. It’s not like they’re out to get you. This isn’t some big inquisition. It’s supposed to be fun.” He sighed and looked away from her. “Sometimes I wish you could just relax and take things as they come. You don’t have to be perfect. They wouldn’t like you if you were. Just be yourself and don’t analyze the whole thing to death.”

“Collin,” Emily turned away from the mirror to give him her full attention. She was concentrating very hard on not trembling. How her husband could be so thickskulled still surprised her on occasion. “I’m not saying it won’t be fun. I’m just saying it’s intimidating for me.” Her words were slow and she enunciated them carefully as if she were speaking to a child. She rose up to her full height and was just able to look down on him in the chair. “I love your father Collin and I’m just getting to know Joni. But it’s obvious that Kevin doesn’t know what to say to me. Every time he tries, which I do appreciate, he talks to me about American politics, like just because I’m from America I’m responsible for what my country’s doing. And what’s really annoying about that is that he knows more about what my country’s doing than I do. And then I just feel stupid,” Emily’s words were starting to come out faster. “And then there’s Laura who’s just the most wonderful and perfect person ever. She couldn’t be nicer or more helpful and I can’t help feeling like I’m being compared to her. And then there’s the fact that we never had family dinners in my house. Ever,” she paused for effect, hoping her words were sinking in. “Some nights I just made myself a sandwich, turkey by the way not ham, and ate it in my bedroom. We didn’t get together for big family chats to find out how everybody was doing. We sat with the t.v. on so we didn’t have to hear the silence.” Emily stopped to take a deep breath. “Now I’m trying very hard to blend in with your family, but you have to understand that sometimes it’s a little difficult.”

Collin shook his head, pushing away the visual she was describing. He hated being talked down to as if he were stupid. “Em, nobody’s asking you to try to be anything. That’s what I’m trying to say to you. Nobody’s family is perfect. It’s not like all our meals are wonderful events. We fight and bicker too.”

“I know, but you do it nicely.” Emily’s voice broke as she spoke.

Collin was confused. He had no come back for that.

A tear rolled down Emily’s cheek and she continued on as she wiped it away annoyed. “You say things like you really want what’s best for each other. Not like you wish the other person would drop dead. If you could hear some of the fights my mom and my aunt had. Not to mention the ones I had with my mom.”

Collin was torn. He was still annoyed but he hated seeing Emily so upset. “Then why did your mam and your aunt live together?”

“Because they had to. Monetarily it was the only way for both of them to raise their kids.”

“But I’ve heard your mam talk about your aunt. It sounds to me like she cares a lot for her.”

Emily sighed, exasperated. “Sure now. Now that all the irreparable damage has been done to me they’re finally able to admit that they were both just disappointed in each other. My mom thought Aunt Carolyn was pining after a dead husband and Aunt Carolyn thought my mom was pining after a living one. Isn’t it so great how they’re both happily married now?!” Emily’s voice held all the bitterness of an upset teenager.

Collin’s instinct was to take her in his arms and hold her. But something in what she was saying rubbed him wrong. “Emily you need to cop on.” He said it more harshly than he meant to.

Emily took a step back as if she’d been slapped.

“It’s not like your uncle died and your father left just to make you miserable. It’s not like your mother was upset for the sheer purpose of upsetting your life. She’s sorry about what happened and she’s just a person Em. She made mistakes.”

Emily turned her back and walked to the window. She held herself tightly to keep from shaking.

Collin sat uncomfortably in the chair. He’d given his wife his honest opinion of the situation as he thought he was supposed to, but he wasn’t sure what to do next. He stared at her straight back and her bent head and felt a wall forming around her. He thought if he just gave her time she’d turn around, she’d come back over and talk to him. But minutes passed and she didn’t. “Em?”

She didn’t move. She didn’t turn or even acknowledge his existence.

He stood and crossed the distance between them. Gently he placed his hand on her shoulder.

Emily took a step forward away from him. When she spoke her voice was strained and he could hear the tears she was holding back. “You don’t know what it was like. You don’t know how cold it was, how hard to breath it was in that house much less smile. She acted like I didn’t exist.”

Collin stepped forward again placing both his hands on her shoulders and firmly turned her into his arms. “You’re right Em. I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

Emily let go of the sob she was holding in.

Collin scooped her up easily and carried her over to the chair, holding her while she let it out. He whispered soothing words as her shoulders shook and her fingers tightened around him to an almost painful point. He knew his role as her partner in life was to comfort her but he was still disappointed. This wasn’t like the Emily he knew. The girl he had fallen in love with didn’t hold grudges. She was kind and understanding. That the one person she couldn’t forgive was her own mother troubled him.

When Emily quieted down he spoke to her softly. “You’re here now, Em. You’re my family now. We’re our own little family. And very soon we’re going to have dinner with the extended part of our family. And all they care about is the fact that you make me happy, which you do. That’s all they care about.”

Emily pulled herself together enough to crack a smile and look up at him. “Yeah, I can see how I fill your life with laughter.”

When they arrived at the family house Joni was alone in the kitchen. She had stuck the kids in the front room with the t.v. and positioned herself in front of the oven. “Oh good, help.”

Emily had washed her face with cold water and insisted that Collin give her a good fifteen minutes for the red marks on her face to disappear before they left. When she walked in the door she glued a happy smile to her face and tried to muster up a look of confidence.

“Where’s everyone else?” Collin asked. Even as he spoke he took a small tour of the kitchen. He poked his head first in the refrigerator then into the oven.

“Dad went out to get refreshments and pick up a movie for the kids. Robert’s giving his friend a hand with some moving and will be over later. And I think Kevin and Laura were stopping by her parents first for a bit. They’ll be over before too long.”

“So you mean they’ll all arrive when the food’s ready?”

“I always said you were perceptive.” Joni placed her hand affectionately on Collin’s shoulder.

Emily noticed how easy they were with each other. It was obvious they were the closest of the siblings. Just their body language spoke volumes.

“How can we help?” Emily asked. Already she felt out of her depth. As she’d said she’d eaten a lot of sandwiches in her bedroom as a child. In Chicago she worked in a bar that also served food and she ate there on a regular basis. The kitchen had become a mysterious place she wasn’t exactly comfortable in.

Collin quickly assessed what needed to be done and gave her a task before Joni could. “Why don’t you peel the carrots?”

Emily gave him a relieved smile. “No problem.”

“So what’s on the menu?” Collin asked.

“Roast beef, as you already noticed.”

Emily had learned since her first visit that this meant roast beef, mushy peas, carrots, mashed potatoes and roast potatoes, gravy, fresh bread with real butter spread generously on it, and quite possibly an apple tart with ice cream for dessert.

Collin was almost as adept as his sister in the kitchen. He’d been the only brother willing to help when they were younger and he’d learned everything from her. He tried to never make Emily feel he was disappointed in her own abilities although he did offer her pointers.

“It smells delicious.” Emily took a deep breath of the mouth-watering aromas. Smells like that had rarely drifted through her childhood homes. She was used to dried-out flavorless chicken with even less appealing frozen vegetables often heated to a barely warm or overcooked state.

Joni was too busy eyeing her surroundings, assessing things, to really take in the compliment. “Thanks.” She turned to Collin. “Do you think I should do Yorkshire pudding or just stick with bread. Or both?”

Emily settled into an out of the way place to peel the carrots. She remembered Collin telling her what a wonderful cook his mom had been. He’d said she used to pull a chair up next to her for Joni to stand on. Before she died the men were never allowed in the kitchen. It was a special place just for Joni and her mom to create things. It made Emily wish the kitchen could have been that kind of magical place in her own house. Instead she remembered coming in to ask what was for dinner at age eight and seeing her mom crying in front of the oven, staring down at a lump of burnt meat. Before that memory had always made her angry. She didn’t want to be an eight-year-old with a mother who couldn’t get anything right. For the first time Emily felt guilty about that anger. She knew it was unfair.

She glanced over at Collin. She had felt so let down by him when he told her to cop on, but he had a point. Her mother was just a person who’d gone through more than her fair share of shit. She’d tried to make amends for it in recent years, but Emily wouldn’t let her.

Emily shook off the memory as her lips began to move. It wasn’t the time or the place to invoke Jeremy’s presence. She looked up to ground herself and smiled at the sight of Collin trying to sneak a taste of something while Joni affectionately slapped his hand away.

It amazed Emily how in such a short amount of time a meal could be prepared to feed eight people. At home she noticed that Collin still had a tendency to make big portions. He always cut more bread than was necessary and he put more food on her plate than she could possibly eat. Emily thought it was wasteful, but she wasn’t used to a family where nine times out of ten someone would come along to eat it; where it would have been rude not to have something extra ready just in case.

“It has such a warm feeling here. Like you could curl up and take a nap in all the hustle and bustle and feel perfectly content.” The words were out of her mouth before Emily realized she was speaking.

Both Joni and Collin stopped what they were doing to turn and look at her.

Emily felt foolish and overly American again. “It’s nice,” she added and snapped her mouth shut.

“The kitchen has always been the main room in this house,” Collin explained, trying to smooth over the uncomfortable moment. “It’s funny how so many years later I would still consider this my mam’s room.”

Joni nodded agreement.

“My mom and my aunt ate silent dinners watching the news. Sometimes Jeremy and I would set up the table and try to have a formal dinner just the two of us. But it never felt quite right.” Emily wasn’t trying to be depressing. She was just relating her own situation.

“I wouldn’t call what we have formal dinners. It’s more like get it while it’s hot and before somebody else does,” Joni said with a wink in Collin’s direction.

Emily smiled and tried to let in the warmth of the moment instead of feeling separate from it.

The door swung open and Emily’s father-in-law entered carrying two bags of shopping and a dvd. “I bought desert,” he announced.

“Hey dad,” Collin greeted him, taking the bags out of his hands.