Shampoo (59 page)

Matt laughed and grabbed me. “What
are you pissed off about??”

“
Pretty much everything
about you right now.”

“
That is SO UNFAIR.
What the FUCK did I do??”

“
You weren’t with me
last night, that’s what you did – ”

“
WHAT. THE FUCK –
”

“ –
you were with some
other girl instead. A MODEL – ”

Matt seriously bent over and lent
his hands on his knees. He seemed really floored for some reason.
“I can’t BELIEVE you – ”

I muttered something to myself.
Like, “Believe it. Asshole.”

“
What?”

“
Nothing.”

“
Karina, you MUST know
you’re acting mental – ”

“
No. I don’t. Mental
people don’t know when they’re being mental. It’s up to other
people to tell them – ”

“
You’re being mental –
”

“
Fuck off I
am!!!!”

Matt laughed. “I feel winded. Like
you’ve punched me.”

“
I just might in a
minute – ”

“
OH MY
GOD!!!!”

“
What?”

“
I’ve just figured it
out – ”

“
Took you awhile –
”

“
YOU’RE JEALOUS!!!” He
laughed his ass off.

“
Oh God, I HATE YOU
RIGHT NOW – ”

He scooped me up in his arms. I
loved it. I swooned. “Baby, I am ALL into you.”

“
Matt…”

“
Nobody else. The only
reason I got this smashed was to deal with the pain of not being
with you for another night.”

Then he kissed me. At
work.

“
I love you,
Karina.”

I kissed him back, then pulled out
of his arms and stomped upstairs.

I really hate this love
shit.

Everybody’s getting suspicious at
work.

(guess it doesn’t help, making out
in the kitchen)

There’s this buzz around us. About
us.

(oh God, I can’t hear myself
think, with all this buzzing)

Sunday 7 January
2001

7.20pm

Matt and I went away AGAIN this
weekend. With Lachie and Melin.

Oh God, I had so much fun with
them. I felt relaxed again. I felt like myself again.

All week I’ve been wound up
tighter than a clock. It felt so good just being me
again.

Matt drove me and him to Byron
Bay, holding my hand and kissing me at every red light or traffic
hold up.

Yes. I died.

“
How are you going,
baby?” he asked me, kissing my knuckles.

“
It’s been a rough
week.”

“
I’ll say. I’ve been
watching your meltdown all week.”

“
Sorry. I know it’s
tough on you when I go a bit…mental.”

“
I’ll say it’s tough on
me. Been a whole week since I fucked you. I’m going
crazy.”

“
God, me
too.”

Matt laughed. “Don’t worry, baby,
I’m going to spend the whole night fucking you tonight.”

“
What is with us and
tents??”

He laughed again. “Yeah, you’re
right. We haven’t fucked in an actual bed yet.” He leaned over and
kissed me. “Something to look forward to.”

I’m drowning. I really am. Some
people can’t handle all the emotions of love. Real love. Fireworks
with someone. Your body just being set alight by another human
being whenever they step close to you, or look at you, or you look
at them.

I think I’m one of those people. I
long for him, PINE for him, every second of the day.

I feel lost without him, and
overwhelmed with him.

We swam with Lachie and Melin,
drank, sat around chatting and laughing.

We went to the Beach Hotel as the
sun was setting. God, the view is incredible from that pub. I love
it. I want to live there.

(in the pub)

Being there with Matt was heaven.
I just kept glancing over at him and being madly in love. He was
all over me, I was all over him –

“
God, they’re
sickening,” Melinda laughed, as Matt and I kept making out at our
table.

I think we were practically having
sex at our table. Matt and I were on the booth side, so we were
very close. And intimate. And all over each other.

“
I think I’m gonna
throw up in a minute,” Lachie finally declared. “We’re gonna need
earplugs tonight.”

Matt finally emerged from our make
out for a breath. “Can you blame me? She’s been slapping me away
all week. I’ve gotta take my chances while she’s giving
them!”

Lachie laughed.

“
Who knew you two would
end up like this?” Melinda said in amazement, as we made out some
more.

“
Stop, stop, we really
need to stop,” I finally declared, wiping my lipstick
smudges.

Matt let out a breath and ran his
hands through his hair. “BOY. I need a cold shower.”

“
You’re going to need
to do more than that,” Melinda announced, pointing to my
lips.

“
Why, is it
everywhere?” I freaked.

“
No, it’s just ALL OVER
HERE,” Lachie waved his hand all over my face.

Matt burst out laughing, then
grabbed me again. “Here, I’ll help you get it off,” and we were
making out madly again.

Melinda and Lachie laughed and
groaned.

“
Matt?”

“
Hmm?”

“
This has been so
fucking nice.”

“
I told you it would
be.”

“
I’ve seriously flipped
out all week – ”

“
I know you have. I’ve
been watching it. Living it.”

“
I’m sorry I’m such a
mess.”

“
It’s okay, baby. I
love you.”

“
I’ve never been like
this before.”

“
Aw, you’ve saved your
good stuff for me?”

“
Apparently
so.”

“
I comfort myself with
that knowledge. When I cry at night, that you’re not with me –
”

“
Oh, Matt…”

“
Give me your hand. I
want to suck on your fingers.”

“
Matt?”

“
Yes?”

“
Fuck me again,
ahhh.”

He already was. “I need to come in
you, for the seventh time is evening – ”

“
How can you have ANY
LEFT- ”

“
I’ve been waiting
YEARS for you. Storing it all up. Now scream for me,
baby…”

“
Why’d you get engaged
to him?”

We were sitting in the carpark at
Woolies. We’d driven back from Byron, had lunch at Matt’s with his
family, seen the 2.30pm session of ‘Coyote Ugly,’ gone round the
world five times, and were now sitting in some random Woolies
carpark.

We’d just stopped, pulled over.
Matt was brewing something, I could tell.

Instead of kissing me, he kept
sitting behind the wheel, leaning his arm on the car door, and
being all silent and brooding.

(was hot)

“
What?”

“
Rick. The wife beating
asshole.”

I let out a breath. “God, I don’t
know. I was young and dumb. And he asked…” I trailed off, knowing
that was a stupid reason to marry someone.

Especially a psycho.

“
What if I asked you to
marry me?”

“
Oh God,
Matt…”

He turned to me. Reached out and
cupped my cheek. “Marry me, Karina. I love you.”

“
Matt.”

“
Yes?”

“
Look at
me.”

“
I am.”

“
I’m a mess! I can
barely cope with this. What makes you think I can be a
WIFE??”

“
I think your problems
come from you think I’ll leave. Or turn abusive, or abandon you –
”

I whimpered.

“ –
so if I married
you, that’s gotta calm you down, right? You’ll finally
RELAX.”

“
If only it were that
simple.” I ran my fingers down his face. It’s like I’ll always
remember what his cheek feels like.

I’ve touched it enough, it seems.
In such a short space of time.

“
I would marry you in a
heartbeat, Matt.”

“
Is that a
yes?”

“
But we’re too young.
I’ve made so many mistakes already. I’m not going to make another
one.”

“
You’ think I’m just
another mistake?”

“
No! God no! That’s not
what I meant – ”

Matt groaned. “God. My chest –
”

“
I meant, I won’t
survive another break up. I won’t. If this doesn’t work, I don’t
know how I’ll ever survive it – ”

He brought my hand up to his
heart. “That’s why we should get married, and stay married
forever.”

“
Matt, we’re twenty-one
years old! Save that for our thirties. Possibly our forties. I’m
gonna need about twenty years of therapy before I can marry
you.”

He laughed. “Only you can make
being broken seem so intoxicating, Karina.” He kissed me. “What
would you have been like? Before they changed you?”

“
Matt, we can’t blame
them…”

“
Why the fuck
not??”

“
Cause I think I came
out broken.”

Matt cried. He seriously started
crying. For me. “That breaks my fucking heart, Karina.”

Tuesday 9 January
2001

7.00am

Everard, THE ASSHOLE, upset me so
much last night.

He’s topped himself this time.
Outdid his own personal best with this one!!

It was horrible. Just
horrible.

He CRUSHED me. That stupid fuckwit
managed to crush me AGAIN.

My direct line rang at 4.30pm, and
I knew. I just knew it was him.

He hasn’t called me IN WEEKS. Or,
he has

(I just haven’t called him
back),

but he’s taken the cowardly way
out and only called me at home, where I never am! He’s not ONCE
called me at work since being back.

Why now? Cause he found out about
Matt and I.

(took the dumbass long
enough)

“
Is there something you
want to tell me?” he clipped out.

All I could think was not here.
Not at work. “No. There’s not – ”

“
BULLSHIT!” he let rip,
like full volume.

“
What are you SO UPSET
ABOUT – ”

“
YOU TELL ME!” was his
furious retort.

“
Ever, I will call you
when I get home.”

“
You do that.” And he
slammed the phone down in my ear.

He was FURIOUS.

I ran down the back stairs at
5.15pm, yelling goodbye to Matt, and he put his hands up in the air
and said, “Where’s the fucking fire?”

“
I’ll call you later!”
I called over my shoulder, jumping in my car. I absolutely roared
out of there, hooned it all the way home. I had to get this over
and done with with Ever. Enough is enough.

He has a right to know.

I’d barely walked in the door at
5.40pm, to a house suspiciously clear of Dan, to the phone ringing.
I picked it up, dreading this moment.

He was just plain nasty from the
get go. “You FUCKING SLUT – ”

“
EX-CUSE
me??!!”

“
How long have you been
fucking around behind my back with him?”

“
Oh, you have NO
FUCKING RIGHT – ”

“
No right?? You’re
SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING WITH ME!”

“
Evvy, you didn’t even
FUCKING CALL ME FOR CHRISTMAS!! How can you even CALL YOURSELF A
FUCKING BOYFRIEND!”

“
I did FUCKING CALL YOU
FOR CHRISTMAS, YOU JUST NEVER FUCKING CALLED ME BACK!!!”

“
Did you spend
Christmas with me? Did we buy each other presents! NO, WE FUCKING
DIDN’T!!!”

“
Oh, cause I DIDN’T
FUCKING BUY YOU A PRESENT, YOU’RE ALLOWED TO FUCKING CHEAT ON ME –
”

“
It’s only CALLED
CHEATING IF YOU’RE ACTUALLY FUCKING TOGETHER, YOU ASSHOLE –
”

“
You were SLEEPING
AROUND, BEHIND MY

BACK – ”

“
Oh, FUCK YOU, EVERARD
– ”

“
Did it FEEL FUCKING
GOOD!! SLEEPING AROUND BEHIND MY FUCKING BACK!!”