Shampoo (62 page)

I just cried, as silently as possible, all the
way to his. I refused to say a fucking word.

Matt had stopped shouting, but was glaring
ahead, and gripping the wheel and still roaring around corners and
off at lights.

And he kept randomly yelling out, “FUCK!” and
“SHIT!” every few minutes.

When we finally screeched to a stop at his, I
wiped the tears away and stubbornly sat there.

Matt, turning the car off, stared ahead
furiously for a minute or two, before he finally looked at me. He
was still angry. “Karina,” he said icily. “Get out of the
car.”

I refused to say anything or move.

I could hear Matt taking deep breaths. As if to
calm himself. “Get out of the car with me.” He spoke softly and
deadly.

I refused to even look at him or
budge.

“
Karina…”

“
No.”

“
No what?”

“
No, I’m not getting out of the car
with you. Like you are now.”

Deep breaths. “I am calm – ”

“
Ha!”

“ –
now just get out the car
please.”

“
No. You’re not calm at all. You’re
being AWFUL.”

“
I’M BEING AWFUL??? I’M BEING
AWFUL!! Oh, you’re FUCKING FUNNY – ”

“
YES. You’re being awful. You’re so
ANGRY – ”

“
I’m calm now – ”

“
No you’re not – ”

“
I am!”

“
You’re not!”

“
Please get out of the car with me,
DARLING – ”

“
No way. Not when you call me
darling like that.”

“
JUST GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!!”
he suddenly yelled. He took another look at me, then slammed out
the car, slammed the door, and stomped inside his house.

If he hadn’t taken his fucking keys, I would’ve
driven off on him in his car.

His house was empty when I finally decided to
walk in. Matt was nowhere to be seen.

I found him in his room, knocking back a
tumbler of scotch. “I need to drink to survive you,” he snapped,
but he was calmer. Sort of.

He sat down on his bed. I sat at his
desk.

It was ages before he’d even look at me. I was
doing the same, arms crossed, staring at his walls. Wondering what
the fuck to do.

“
Last night made me think, what are
we doing?” he began softly. “You were with TWO GUYS – ”

I cracked it. “TWO FUCKING FRIENDS OF MINE,
MATT! That you’ve met!! They are just my friends!”

“ –
and you didn’t even have the
decency to CALL ME, to tell me where you were going, or who you
were with! The last I saw you, you were running out of work like
there was some emergency, then you’re just suddenly missing all
night! No one knew WHERE THE FUCK YOU WERE, not even YOUR SISTER!
You didn’t even call me when you got home! I was up ALL NIGHT,
FUCKING STRESSING ABOUT YOU!”

My heart broke for him. He was right. I live in
my own world

(Rich nailed it, airy fucking
fairy),

wander off randomly, and don’t think anyone is
worrying about me.

(in my own defense, normally there ISN’T anyone
worrying about me)

And Matt I did kind of ignore on purpose. “I’m
sorry, Matt. I really am. I didn’t think. It wasn’t about you last
night, my behavior – ”

“
It wasn’t? It was ABOUT HIM?” He
suddenly threw his glass across the room and it shattered against a
wall. I stood up and bailed. Practically ran for the door. I knew
TOO WELL how these things started.

And ended.

Normally me stuck in the crosshairs of some
male’s ego fit.

Matt grabbed me before I’d even reached the
door, and crushed me to his chest. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry. I
know you freak out – ”

I started sobbing all over again and trying to
push him away.

“
I’m sorry baby. Shhh. Don’t cry.
You’re breaking me.”

He refused to let go and I was out of steam.
“Karina, I love you. I fucking love you!”

I finally raised my head from his chest and
looked up at him. “Matt, I need you.”

I do. I need his love. I need his stability.
The stability of his love. I just want to be loved.

And loved by him.

He feels like he is just what I need. If we can
just get through all my shit.

“
Fuck. Karina…” He crushed his mouth
to mine. “FUCK.”

We were kissing now, and I could feel it – the
desperation for each other. I practically grabbed his shirt and
ripped all the buttons open in one move.

“
I need you, Matt,” I said
again.

He groaned against my lips, and did his own
button-ripping move. “You have no idea how much I need you,
Karina.”

It was different this time. Softer. Harder.
Slower. Faster.

(in a bed)

The beat was changed again and again, during
it.

We rolled around a lot, changed positions, went
from screaming fast fucking

(with me screaming),

to slow and soft and us mesmerized by each
other.

Matt would come inside me, kiss me, hold me in
his arms, then go, “Fuck, I need you again,” and thrust back inside
me.

(he’s a sex machine. Better than a sex
machine)

“
Matt – ”

His mouth was (always) against mine.
“Fuck…”

“
I love you.” This was the first
time I said it. Was special.

“
FUCK. Say it again.” He ate my lip
some more while he moved inside me.

“
I love you…”

“
AHHH.”

“
I fucking love you – ”

“
Fuck!”

“
I. FUCKING. LOVE YOU!”

“
You’re gonna make me come,
baby…”

“
Hmm. Hmm. Ohhh! I love you –
”

“
UGH. I’m coming – ”

“
I love you and I will never do that
to you again – ”

“
GROAN. You promise?”

“
I swear.”

“
All I kept picturing was you
fucking this Evvy guy – ”

“
Never, Matt. You’re all I
want.”

“
Ahhh…”

“
You’re the only one I want fucking
me again – ”

“
Fuck baby – ”

“
I fucking LOVE YOU. I love you
fucking me. I live for it – ”

“
Karina – ”

“
Fill me up with your come,
baby…”

“
Oh GOD! FUCK! FUCK ME!!”

We kissed madly and fucked madly. “I love you,”
I said against his mouth.

Matt shook, and kissed me so hard it hurt.
“Fuck, baby.” He kissed me some more. “Fuck.”

Now that was make up sex.

Tuesday 9 January 2001

10.05pm

Worked till 9pm tonight, cause The Boyz had
their monthly meeting in our salon, and after a few stuff ups by
the girls

(and my handling of them while everyone was
away in Bali),

Trent and Andre demanded only I handle their
orders.

Which unfortunately means their monthly
meetings, too.

I spent the entire time running up and down the
stairs, fetching coffees, food, sales figures, invoices,
shampoo.

“
Look at her go, isn’t she a
beauty?” They raved about me.

“
She is the ONLY ONE I trust in this
place,” Andre subtly mock whispered.

(I think Andre is gay, but I’m not sure. It’s
pretty much safe to assume EVERYONE in the salon world is gay. At
least the men)

They always make such a fuss over me. They talk
about me, in front of me, like I’m some prized horse.

“
I like her hair tonight, don’t
you?”

“
I love the pink bits
especially.”

“
I’m sure she’s heard that
before!”

“
I heard she’s dating one of the
warehouse boys now – ”

I HAD been grinning, but that turned to, “What?
WHAT??”

“
I heard it’s Matt,” Trent
continued, “but I had my money on Benny. The boys are ALWAYS
telling me you and Benny have some kind of SPECIAL connection. And
you choose Matt!” He laughed. “Didn’t see that one
coming!”

“
Trent’s asked you out A THOUSAND
TIMES, and you go for a WAREHOUSE BOY, Pinky?” Andre rolled his
eyes. “Trent has MONEY – ”

(yeah, money and a controlling manner. No thank
you!)

How the fuck did The Boyz owner know about Matt
and I????

Fucking big mouths in the warehouse.

Matt looked gorgeous today at work. He rang me
three times tonight at work, while I (handled) managed The Boyz. He
was worried about me, at work in our near-empty industrial estate
till 9pm.

Aww.

Wednesday 10 January
2001

10.07pm

Matt and I went out to dinner tonight…to
Panchos.

I always have the best time with
him.

We did our usual can’t keep our hands off each
other routine.

(better than my usual spew in Panchos
routine)

It started in Panchos, continued in the park
across from Panchos, then ended in Matt’s car.

It doesn’t get any easier for me. I’m just
drowning more and more. I feel it.

Thursday 11 January 2001

7.24pm

Matt pushed me away tonight.

God, it kills!!

I knew this would happen! I knew we’d get to
this point where he’d push me away and hurt me. I’ve spent all this
time trying to keep him at arm’s length for a reason!

I’d left him at work, pleading I needed some
alone time

(he totally doesn’t get my need to just have an
alone night, a night to myself now and then! Frustrates me. I need
it, to read, to write in my diary, to chill, to recollect myself,
to pick myself back off the fucking ground from how completely
broken I am, to comfort myself),

then he rang here, and he was all, “Maybe we
need to stop seeing each other until you’re ready.”

“
What?”

“
I don’t want to talk about it, I
think it just needs to be done – ”

“
So you want to stop being with me –
”

“
I don’t want to talk about it, I
just want to do it.”

“
I knew you’d do this,
Matt!”

“
Do what?”

“
Hurt me! Crush me! Not be able to
fucking handle me!”

“
Can ANYBODY fucking handle you,
Karina?”

“
I KNEW you’d fucking hurt me –
”

“
I don’t want to hurt you! I want to
fucking love you forever – ”

“
It doesn’t sound like
it!”

“
You’re the one who’s done this,
Karina! MADE us like this – ”

I hung up on him .

Monday 15 January 2001

10.20pm

So Friday, the day after that phone call, Matt
and I spent lunch together in the downstairs kitchen, like we seem
to be doing lately.

(the din seems to have died down a bit over
us)

Matt acted like he’d said absolutely nothing to
completely destroy me the night before.

“
You’re coming to Gemma’s
twenty-first with me tomorrow night,” he just announced as we ate
lunch together in the kitchen.

“
Oh, I am?”

“
Yes. You are.” He paused to eat.
“And you’re spending the whole weekend with me, at
mine.”

“
Is this your idea of us stopping
being together?” I asked.

Matt looked grumpy. “Yeah, well. That lasted
five seconds.”

I gave him a look.

“
Don’t look at me like that,” he
growled.

“
Like what?”

“
All seductive like. Save it for
tomorrow.”

“
I love how you basically dump me
then demand I be with you the next – ”

“
I tried, I really did.”

“
To shake yourself loose of
me?”

“
Yeah. There’s no doing that. I am
your fucking dog, Karina.”

“
Don’t say that, Matt – ”

“
Well, what would you call me?? The
way I’m treated? The way I act?”

“
The guy I’m madly,” I started
coughing, uncontrollably. “Madly…madly…”

“
Don’t hurt yourself trying to get
loving words out, Karina.”