Shampoo (51 page)

I don’t know. But I said, “Ah,
well, I didn’t expect you home tomorrow, and I kinda made plans.
I’m going to a friend’s place.”

Not to mention that that ‘friend’
is Everard and it’s for sex.

(I’m not proud of myself either,
Lachie)

Matt was disappointed.

I’m even more stressed out
now.

I have to CHOOSE one of them. I
can’t have both. Matt is an all or nothing kind of guy.

Matt has fallen into this too
fucking quickly, and dragged me into it with him. He’s so bloody
good at it, too.

I’m in deep shit here.

No guy has even THOUGHT about me
with his mates before. I’m not this dumb.

(am I??)

Guys like Matt don’t exist
anymore. None that have been on my radar before.

I can’t let Matt go. I
won’t.

12.07am

Been chatting to Melinda for like
two hours. She needs me at the moment.

Wednesday 20 December
2000

9.24pm

I’ve just been to Evvy’s. And I
had a really good time. The first truly good time I’ve had with
Ever in ages.

But I refused to stay.

Like it’s not cheating if I don’t
stay the night?? I may not be exactly cheating, but I know it’s
wrong. Matt and I have this unspoken agreement, that this is it.
We’re together. Despite the fact we haven’t even kissed.

Despite my stress and emotional
overreactions, I somehow relaxed at Ever’s. I was just me. Like he
wanted. We didn’t talk about anything, we just had fun
together.

Way too much fun for what I think
might really be the end this time.

All I could think about was Matt.
And Evvy. My heart hurt for Matt, for Ever, for myself.

And Ever was truly
being the guy I completely fell for all those months ago. But it’s
like too little, too late. Matt’s stepped in. Matt’s presence is
there, even when he’s not.

I’m carrying Matt around with me,
everywhere I go.

Damn it. Damn him!!

Before I went to Evvy’s tonight, I
brought Melinda flowers at her place. She loved them.

So I got to Evvy’s, and his mum
was so nice. She was hinting she hadn’t seen me for awhile, she’d
wondered what happened to me.

Ever and I just fell into
our

(when it’s easy)

easy routine. We mucked around,
had tickling and slapping fights

(where I kept trying to slap him
in the face and he’d catch my wrist right before I connected, then
roll around with me laughing. Oh my God, we were SCREAMING in
laughter, straddling each other, egging each other on, like “Give
it your BEST SHOT, baby!” or “FUCKING OW! You slapped
me!!”),

he fell right off the bed at one
stage

(trying to avoid my face
slap)

and I laughed till I cried, we
rolled around. We laughed and laughed and laughed.

There’s a part of me that thinks
I’ll always love Ever. He just let me go. Refused to let himself be
fully there.

I could tell Ever was so happy I
was so relaxed, and in my precious ‘fun’ mood he seems to love so
much. I think I was high on sickness, cause I could not stop
laughing the entire time.

He kept doing that thing he knows
I love so much

(and he hasn’t done SINCE THE
BEGINNING),

pretending to be asleep, and then
twitching like Mark from Blink 182 in the videoclip for ‘Man
Overboard.’

I fucking love when he does that.
I was laughing so hard. He knows that gets me, when he does
that.

He really does freakishly look
like Mark from Blink.

And that is why I stay: cause he
looks like the guy from Blink.

Was a relief to just laugh and
relax with him.

Then he stripped me
naked

(and I let him),

and we made love, for ages, over
and over again. It was dreamy, it was heavenly, I felt like I’d
needed him for so long, but he just hasn’t been there. I kinda
clung to him, and felt overwhelming love for him. Bittersweet love.
Like I KNEW this was going to be the last time we ever made love to
each other.

(do I know? It always strangely
feels neverending with Ever. It feels both over and just waiting
for the next round. What an odd feeling)

“
You’re different
tonight,” he murmured as he kissed me and rolled around the bed
with me. “You’re you.”

“
So are you,” I
whispered back against his mouth.

“
It’s fucking hot,
whatever it is.”

(it’s fucking too late for us, we
fucked it, is what it is)

Oh boy. That time with him really
got me in the heart.

(again)

I love his kisses. I love when
he’s loving.

If only he’d kissed me enough. I
wouldn’t be where I am now.

About to be with Matt.

Ever doesn’t deserve me, and I
don’t deserve Matt.

It’s a fucked up little love
triangle.

Thursday 21 December
2000

1.22pm

I’m in bed, dying. When will this
sickness go away??

Tee and I went shopping at Stones
Corner and bought $5 skirts each. Tee bought me lunch at The Coffee
Club there, and we had a girly pow wow.

Matt’s rung. He’s back.

I’m freaking out.

Maybe Ever and I are more alike
than I first realised?? He gives me my independence and freedom.
Just too much of it.

With Matt, I’m just one with him.
Or will be.

And I’m not sure I can be like
that ever again. Lose myself, in a guy.

I’ve just got myself back. I’ve
just found myself again.

(after all that blood. Blood
everywhere. When will it ever stop flashing before my eyes?? The
smell, too. Think I’m gonna be sick)

I’ve just got myself back. To lose
myself again…

I’m terrified.

Friday 22 December
2000

5.54pm

I got no rest yesterday. I spent
like THE DAY on the phone: to Melinda, Pheebs, Joy,
Lachie.

Then Matt walked in at 3pm, and I
took one look at him, and died.

It’s like he fills the room when
he walks in. When he walks anywhere near me.

He just gave me this intense look,
stalked over to me, and picked me up. I laughed, and he spun me
around, his face buried in my hair.

“
I missed
you.”

“
Me too.”

Melissa and Julia turned up then,
and I just laid on the couch, sweating and shivering
everywhere.

Actually, my head was in Matt’s
lap the whole time. Sounds dirtier than it actually was.

Matt kept stroking my hair, and
going, “I’m really worried about you, Karina, you’re like sweating
buckets!”

Matt, the sweetie, drove Melissa
and Julia into the city, and parked me in the front seat like some
cripple.

“
You okay?” he asked
me, worried.

“
Matt, I’m sick, not
disabled.”
“That’s debatable,” Jules cracked.

“
Ha ha, woman.” I
started coughing and spluttering everywhere.

“
I go away for TWO DAYS
and you start dying on me,” Matt laughed.

We dropped the girls in, and soon
as the car doors closed after them, Matt turned to me, reached his
arm round the back of my seat, and said, “I want to spend the
night.”

“
I thought you were
already.”

“
I meant, in your
bed.”

“
I want that, too, but
I’m not ready.”

“
You’re sick. You’re
not thinking straight,” Matt laughed. God, he was in such a great
mood.

I just felt a bit stressed. I
mean, I HAD JUST FUCKING SLEPT WITH EVERARD.

“
Have you thought
anymore about us?” he asked as he drove.

“
Are you kidding? It’s
all I think about.”

Matt loved that. “I’m all you
think about? And you don’t think you’re ready?”

“
I KNOW I’m not ready.
I’m TERRIFIED of starting a relationship. I thought it was what I
wanted, but…”

“
But what?” Matt
prodded.

“
But turns out I’m
terrified of them.”

“
It won’t be
terrifying, with me.”

“
Do you think you’re
ready?”

“
Fuck yeah! Like,
yesterday!”

We spent the whole night laying on
the couches together out in the lounge room, talking.

Was beautiful.

All those times I’ve cried
alone…through my back surgery, the violence, the men, the suicide
attempt…Matt would have been there. He said it, and it’s not like
when Evvy says things…

When Matt says something, he means
it.

Saturday 23 December
2000

3.26pm

Tee came round last night, and we
drank champagne together and got ready with Nat.

Was a fun, girly moment! I love
those moments!

Then Tee, Nat and I cabbed it into
the city, and met Matt and his mates in at Dicey’s, and my mates,
Steve and Andy and Lisa and Lauren.

(I haven’t seen them in so long!!!
Was so good to see them again)

Then Graham turned up with Dan and
Aaron from high school.

So I was going between these three
groups. Was fun.

UNTIL, Graham and Matt got pissed
off at each other and had this huge blew.

I have no idea what it was over,
or what was said, but Matt said Graham said something inappropriate
in regards to me, and Matt gave him an ass whopping.

(that was so hot. Ever would never
have fought anyone for me)

Prior to that moment, as I went in
between all the groups

(that were strangely
segregated),

whenever I would step near
Matt

(I would die),

he would sling his arm around my
waist, and I would to him, too.

AND IT JUST FELT SO RIGHT AND
COZY!!!

Then we had ‘the talk’ when we got
home. About relationships, my past, me terrified.

I omitted Everard.

“
I’ve loved you for two
years,” Matt said, as we lay on either couch, on our stomachs,
facing each other. It was 3am.

“
I’d never hurt you,
Karina.”

(oh yes you fucking
would!)

“
You could.
Unintentionally.”

“
I
wouldn’t!”

“
You can’t make
promises like that. They always get broken.”

“
I keep any promises I
make.”

“
What if it didn’t work
out between us? What would things be like at work?”

“
You’re making excuses
now.” But he reached out, trailed a finger a finger along my
jaw.

“
Well, they’re good
excuses.”

“
I’m already so
overprotective of you. The stuff you’ve told me…” He trailed off.
He had tears in his eyes.

(stupid Sexy Everard would never
cry over/for me)

I reached out and grabbed his
hand. He tucked it under his chest.

“
Don’t be upset. It’s
done, it’s over…I’m just…

(fucked up)

afraid.”

“
I’m going to be even
more overprotective now.”

“
Is that even
possible?”

“
I’m going to look
after you, Karina.”

“
That’s what worries
me.”

“
What do you
mean?”

“
I mean, I don’t know!
I pride myself on being alone in some strange way. And hate being
alone at the same time.”

“
You’re a challenging
woman, Karina.”

“
That’s one way of
putting it.”

Matt gave me those intense looks
of his I love. “Lucky I love a challenge.”

We stayed like that for
ages.

Then I was really cruel and left
him out there while I went to bed. Not to justify myself to a diary
or anything, but I’d just slept with Ever. No way was I jumping
into bed with Matt, and hurt Evvy, or hurt Matt.

The way Matt watches me, looks out
for me, pulls me to him…oh God, can’t stop thinking about it
all.