Shampoo (49 page)

“
No, but – ”

“
But
NOTHING.”

I handed the phone to Dan, who had
just arrived with Nat, and was hovering right next to me,
listening.

Then my cocky toughness dissolved
into tears. Nat tried to cheer me up.

I pretended to be okay, and waited
till Nat and Dan left to go late night shopping, sneakily checking
out windows they HAD actually left, and Dan wasn’t coming back in
for forgotten keys or something.

Then I rang him back.

It was like he had been waiting
for me to do just that. Ever picked up, first ring.

I needed a conclusion, I needed
answers, I needed to know what the fuck to do.

Ever or Matt.

Ever immediately launched into
loving mode.

(he must be desperate to keep
me)

Like he knew this was his last
chance. “I want to be with you, woman. I do care. I just have
problems showing it.”

“
I’ve heard all this
before, Everard!”

He snapped then. “If you’re going
to end it – ”

“
GOING TO? It’s been
ENDED FOR QUITE SOME TIME – ”

“ –
then you can come
fucking pick up the watch – ”

“
Since your FUCKING
BIRTHDAY, you remember that night, YOU COMPLETE ASSHOLE –
”

“
I DON’T WANT TO
FUCKING LOOK AT THIS WATCH, IF YOU’VE ENDED IT!!”

I lost it then. I was too sick, I
had a temperature, I was sweltering, and he was hurting me so bad.
I fully flipped. I started yelling what an inconsiderate bastard he
is. “I WANTED to spend that money on you!!” I screamed.

“
Yeah, well, it was
STUPID OF YOU – ”

“
THAT’S NOT THE ONLY
STUPID THING I’VE DONE LATELY!!!”

“
Trust me, I KNOW.
Understatement OF THE YEAR!”

“
Oh, FUCK YOU,
Ever!”

“
I’ve spent SIX MONTHS
watching you do STUPID SHIT – ”

“
Oh, YOU’RE SUCH AN A
HOLE WITH A BIG FUCKING A – ”

“
And you KNOW WHAT!! I
FUCKING FALL FOR YOU MORE CAUSE OF ALL THE DUMB SHIT YOU
DO!”

“
FUCK. YOU!!!!!” I
hollered.

(wait, he just said something VERY
NICE)

“
I’D LIKE TO BE FUCKING
YOU!!!” he screamed. “And I hate it,” he added, softer. “I hate
wanting you this bad. I hate that other guys want you,
too.”

“
You have NO RIGHT EVVY
– ”

“
NO RIGHT?? I have NO
RIGHTS NOW? No claim to you now?? After half a year of trying to be
your boyfriend – ”

“
Replace TRYING with
FUCKING UP as my BOYFRIEND – ”

“
Oh, YOU KNOW WHAT
WOMAN?? FUCK YOU BACK!!”

I slammed that phone down so hard
in his fucking ear.

He rang back immediately though.
We just listened to each other making noises, him frustrated huffs
and puffs in and out, me sobbing silently and sniffling.

“
Remember how it was at
the beginning?” he finally said, softly. “How great it
was??”

I sighed. Deeply. “Yes. I
remember.”

“
How affectionate I
was? Like ALL the time? How I called all the time?”

“
I’m sure I don’t
remember THAT – ”

“
And you were SO GREAT,
so easy going and blasé about everything. You were great –
”

“
But I’m not
now??!!”

“
Just listen, woman! I
want you to be like that again. So I can be relaxed and calm,
instead of pressured all the time – ”

“
You think that will
solve everything?”

“
Yes. I do.” Pause.
“You’re SO GREAT as a friend, Karina, but as a girlfriend…you kinda
suck.”

“
HA! You’re not winning
any awards either, buddy!”

“
But at the
beginning…even now, I still glimpse it.”

“
Glimpse what?” His
tone had fallen softer, so mine followed suit.

“
The you that is you.
The real you, when you’re not letting your head be full of
relationship this and relationship

that – ”

“
Dr
Everard.”

“ –
the real you is
beautiful, Karina. Fun. So fucking fun I can barely stand it.
Light. You make everybody happy,

woman – ”

“
Except you, Ever.” I
felt like crying again.

He sighed. “I want to see more of
THAT you. The relaxed, fun Karina.” Pause again. “Like I bet you’re
showing Matt. Making him fall THE FUCK in love with
you.”

I was stumped. I didn’t want to BE
this fun loving person, then reel them in and turn into some
WITCH.

Plenty more years to become a
wife. I didn’t want to become one now.

“
Will you try? With
me?”

I found myself saying
yes.

Why? Why why why why
why?

Because I’m still in love with the
fucker. That’s why.

4.23pm

Matt just rang. Oh my God, when I
hear him, I crumble.

I want him. I want him in a way I
can’t even describe. Different to Evvy. I’m like a dog, picking up
the scent of a bone.

Cause I think Matt will be
everything I’ve always wanted. Something tells me that, like deep
down, primal, like an instinct.

Yet I’m rallying against it for
some reason.

Matt would be a huge
responsibility. A proper, real relationship would be a huge
responsibility.

I collapse from my social life.
How would I deal with a real companion? With real love?

I kind of shudder at the
thought.

So, last night, with Evvy. The
convo ended with my replying yes to Evvy’s “Will you try?? With
me?”

(I love that he had to clarify
with him)

“
So I’ll call
you?”

“
Yes Evvy.”

“
Whose bed did you
sleep in?”

“
Oh, not again –
”

“
I’m dead serious,
woman. I want to know.”

I wanted to tease him, but his
voice was, like, deadly.

(hot)

“
The spare
bed.”

“
Good.” He sounded
relieved.

I think he may actually
care.

Great timing by him. Start caring
now when it looks like it’s too fucking late.

Saturday 16 December
2000

5.14pm

Just crawled into bed after a HUGE
day with Tee. I have five minutes to lay here before I have to get
up and get ready.

I’m supposed to be at Matt’s by
6pm. No chance of that happening.

I really need to get up, get
ready, LIKE NOW, go get Matt, and get to Beth’s
twenty-first.

And I’m FUCKED.

Today Tee and I took the girls
(her little sisters) shopping, and to see Santa. We got THE best
Santa photo of the 4 of us. It was fun, but I could feel myself
getting sicker and sicker.

I’m SO going to be
late.

And I’m freaking, cause Dan tells
me Evvy is going to be staying here tonight!!

Why me!!

So instead of Matt staying, LIKE
WE’D PLANNED, I’m going to have to drive Matt all the way home,
cause NO WAY am I having Matt hurt, NO FUCKING WAY.

I’ll hurt Ever over hurting
Matt.

Perhaps therein lies my
answer.

And it’ll be over something stupid
too, like Ever sleeping in my bed and Matt and I returning from
Beth’s party to find him passed out in my bed.

Matt will know then. MATT WILL
KNOW.

He has boyfriend eyes and
instincts already!! And we haven’t even kissed yet.

I better go get ready.

11.05pm

I’m home, in bed, already. Praise
Jebus.

I’d just washed all my bed sheets
at Dawn’s Crack too. It’s heavenly. Nothing better than collapsing
into a bed with freshly washed sheets.

And Evvy’s not here. Thank God.
But that means I drove Matt home for no reason.

And I’m SO DYING to be in bed with
Matt, too. Sucks I’m double-guessing everything, and worrying about
Ever, who has never been a real boyfriend, and worrying about
Matt…

I just want to BE. DO.

The party was good. I
fell for Matt even harder. He was just so attentive, and doting.
Bringing me drinks of water all night, and the second Beth handed
me an alcoholic drink, Matt was all, “I’ll drive. Have a drink,
Karina.”

(God, I love how he says my name.
Evvy who??)

Ever seems like a million miles
away right now. And Matt is right here. Waiting.

So Beth looked great at her
twenty-first, as an 80’s Madonna. It was a ‘M’ party, you had to
come dressed as something beginning with M.

Beth was Madonna, her sister was
Medusa

(her costume was COOL. All these
snakes coming out her hair),

I went as Miss Piggy

(in my pink sparkly glitter dress,
and my bunny ears I pretended were pig ears, and the HUGE effort I
went to, cutting out a pink egg carton and turning it into a pig’s
nose)

and Matt went as Matt.

Adorable.

Beth and her sister were laughing
when Matt told them who he was.

He looked so fucking
hot

(as himself),

I could barely deal. The way he
looked after me tonight…that turns me on so much.

Ever has never looked after me. In
fact, if I collapsed to the floor in front of Ever and died, I
think he’d step right over me and keep going, calling out to Dan as
he went.

But Matt…if I fell to the floor
and dropped dead in front of him, he’d grasp me and sob and do a
Romeo and Juliet on me.

That tells me all I need to know,
really.

Sunday 17 December
2000

5.35pm

Just got home. Haven’t even
showered. Just fallen into bed.

Dan’s trying to get me to drink
with him

(“Kerry!! I’ve got a bottle of
Astin Martini!”)

before his Christmas party. But I
can’t move.

(so now he’s jumped in bed with
me, and brought me a glass. He’s in his hyper, chatty mood. Better
go pay him some attention. Like a dog)

Now Nat and I have been chatting.
I love my sister. She made me a sandwich, since I’m lying around,
near death.

(and I’m incapable of making a
sandwich)

Dan’s left for his Christmas
party.

Matt rang just before, saying Lach
and Melin were keen to do something with ‘us.’

(heart flutter)

But I feel like total shit warmed
up. Julia and I went to the movies this arvo, and the cinema was
seriously spinning for me.

I feel bad, not going out with
them, but we’ve got two weeks to do stuff together.

I have to listen to my body right
now. Before it shits itself further, like a Ford.

So Julia rang last night before I
left to get Matt, in absolute TEARS. Her and Mike broke
up!!!!

I have no idea where that came
from, and Julia really didn’t say. She was too busy
sobbing.

It’s just so strange. Her and Mike
are such a unit. I’ve never seen two people more suited to one
another.

To cheer her up, I told her to
come sailing with me, Dad and Cruz today. We had so much fun. Just
what I needed

(I don’t know about
Julia),

a day on the water.
Heaven.

I just want to spend my life on a
boat. A little house boat will do. Twenty thousand dollars. Not
much really!!

Jules was so miserable she just
laid about, sunbaking. Dad was so funny. Back at the marina, Julia
went to use the toilets, and Dad came up with his name for Jules,
as he does to remember everybody by. “What are you and Tits McGee
going to do now?” he asked, loading his boot.

I fell about laughing.

(Julia does have great
tits)

Cruz was put out the whole boat
trip. She was so jealous this hot young thing with these GIGANTIC
BOOBS out in front of Dad.

Priceless.

Then Jules and I hopped in my
car

(yes, I got my car FUCKING BACK!!!
Everything is right with the world again)

and saw ‘Bring It On’ at Balmoral.
We laughed so hard together in that movie. We were in
tears.

I’m so happy I’m on holidays!! I
don’t have to worry about anything.