Shampoo (44 page)

But I need words. More than words,
I need actions!! I need him all over me in the club. I’m not asking
for much. I’m asking for the basics.

I’ve settled so much in the past.
Put up with full-on abuse…I’m not gonna settle this
time.

For me to be involved, for my
heart to be this involved, it has to be spectacular.

Keep remembering other
moments.

He said, “It won’t be like this
forever, how it’s been between us. It will evolve, become
more.”

“
I think they’re empty
promises, Everard.”

“
Ugh!!”

(random pull his hair out moment.
Before getting back to kissing me)

“
I won’t wait another
year.”

He clasped my face then, gave me
this intense look. “You think you’ll stop hurting by doing this? By
ending things between us? You won’t stop hurting, Karina. I know
you. You care too damn much – ”

“
I can’t care anymore.
It’s hurting me too much. Better to be hurt this badly, once, than
over and over again with you – ”

“
So you’re just
protecting yourself over seeing where this goes between
us!!”

“
So are you, Everard,
by refusing to let this go anywhere!!”

Oh, it hurts.

Oh my God, Matt rang
me.

(pause, for heart palpitations.
God, there’s a part of me ALREADY that wants Matt and all he can
give me, and I’m already hyperventilating about that)

He said Melissa told him her and
Nathan were staying at ours for the Christmas party, and he wanted
to know if it was alright if he comes here, too, and jumps in the
taxi with us.

I feel SO HAPPY he’s coming. I get
so sick of turning up to EVERYTHING on my own. Will be nice to have
Matt there beside me.

Oh, and GET THIS. Evvy was invited
as my plus one to the Christmas party, and he refused. I told him
last night I was upset about that, too. His constant refusal to be
my boyfriend at things.

Now Ever just rang. He breaks my
heart.

I was hoping it would be
him

(even though it’s not his OCD time
for calling),

and it was.

“
Hey woman,” he said,
the way he does that drives me crazy.

Then there was silence between
us.

“
I don’t know what to
say,” he said miserably.

“
My feelings aren’t
going to stop, cause you’re not around,” I said sadly.

Ever let out a sad breath. “I
know, woman. I know.”

Silence filled with deep meaning
and longing.

“
I’ll call you when I’m
ready,” he said.

“
Okay.”

“
I want to see you,
woman.” Oh God, his voice when he growled that out.

“
No, Evvy.”

Frustrated cry. “I would think
this is just some female ploy to force me into a relationship. But
I know you. I know you would rather me be fully into you than force
me into something I’m not ready for or can’t do.”

“
That’s probably the
smartest thing you’ve ever said, Everard.”

“
You’re not like other
girls, Karina.” He said it like a compliment.

“
Yeah, that’s why I’m
always alone.” I choked on my own tears then.

Ever growled a sexy growl. “If I
had my way, this wouldn’t be happening. We would be together right
now.” Pause. “I want you to come over. Now.”

“
No, Ever,” I
whispered. “I’ve gotta be tough here.”

More frustrated noises by
Evvy.

“
Ever, if you really
wanted a relationship, things would be very different between us.
You don’t want one, you can’t do one! So why can’t you just tell me
you can’t?”

“
CAUSE IT’LL MAKE IT
TOO EASY FOR YOU TO WALK AWAY FROM ME, KARINA!!” he yelled. Pause,
as he calmed himself down. “What would you do if I told you I
couldn’t do a relationship, that was it?”

“
I’d walk,” I
whispered.

“
There you
go!”

“
How can you just let
me go, Ever?”

“
I DON’T WANT YOU
TO!!”

“
But you’re letting
me.”

“
There’s nothing I can
do!”

“
There’s plenty –
”

“
UGH, WOMAN!!! We just
keep going over the same things – ”

“
I know. That’s why I’m
doing this. It’s over, Ever.”

“
DON’T SAY THAT! You’ve
never ONCE said that! You’ve never ONCE said it’s over before –
”

(oh God, his voice then. He
sounded DESTROYED. It hit me in the chest like a knife)

“
Well, what would you
call it?? It seems pretty over to me, Everard.”

“
No. No it’s
not.”

“
IT IS, Everard. You’re
calling me when you’re ready. It’s over. For now.”

“
YOUR RULES, WOMAN,
this is YOU DOING THIS – ”

We got off the phone.

Think I’m dying of a broken
heart.

Thursday 30 November
2000

9.33pm

Had another bloody course at work.
Nat got out of it, somehow, and left me there to suffer.

I’ve come home to Nat and Dan
having the biggest blew.

Nat’s in their room, crying her
eyes out that Dan won’t come to the Christmas party.

So I go out to Dan, and he’s fully
blaming me for not going!! Cause I broke up with Evvy!

And I was all, “Newsflash!!!! Evvy
wasn’t fucking going anyway!!”

And Dan was all, “He WAS planning
on going!!! And you fucked it up!”

So I started screaming at Dan, Dan
started screaming at me, and Nat came out and started screaming at
both of us!!

And I’ve slammed my bedroom door
hard enough to shake the house.

Friday 1 December
2000

7.11am

It doesn’t seem right to be this
depressed on the first day of Christmas.

I had a terrible dream Evvy didn’t
want me. I woke up with a start, in tears.

I have GOT to pull myself
together.

10.10pm

I’ve ended up having a GREAT
day!!

I love fun days. They make life
worth living.

So I dragged myself into work, and
Joy cheered me up straight away. She sensed I was down before I
even stepped into the office. We met in the kitchen and she was
all, “Uh-oh. What happened?”

“
Why, do I look like
shit?” I freaked, my hand coming up to my hair.

“
No, you look
incredibly GORGEOUS as usual, and I’m as jealous as ever. But you
seem very down. You have that whole ADORABLE wounded puppy dog vibe
about you.”

So I told her about Evvy, my car,
the excess cost, money woes, etc.

She then told me ways to make
myself happy, by filling my days doing things that make me
happy.

Joy gets so deep and meaningful in
her advice. I love when she gets like that. Talks to my
soul.

Gives me hope there is so much
more to come for me.

She even offered to drive me down
the coast every day, if that would make me happy. Oh, I love her! I
can just see me, Joy and Pheebs on the beach every day.

I gave her a big kiss and a hug,
told her I loved her, then felt way more prepared for my
day.

She always has this way of making
me feel better. She’s

(get this!)

a JOY.

Then I enter the office, expecting
the worst, and Ange (Missy Moo) runs over to me and gives me an old
Barbie of hers, still in it’s original box!!

It’s Baywatch Barbie. I love
her!!

I love my Missy Moo,
too.

So the whole office and warehouse
were just in this festive,
it’s-almost-the-Christmas-party-and-we’re-so-excited-mood! Everyone
was just so happy and bouncing off walls and laughing and flirting
and cheering and singing.

(more than usual)

I felt like I’d stepped onto the
set of a Christmas movie. An Aussie Christmas one set at a young,
funky haircare company.

Renee, Office Manager
Extraordinaire, had the brilliant idea of letting us have Friday
afternoon drinks earlier, starting at 3pm instead of 4 or 5pm –
letting us all get tipsy and then climb on desks and unsteady
ladders and decorate the tree and the whole office.

Of course someone was going to
fall off a table.

I’m just sorry it was
me.

Everyone was laughing themselves
stupid as they tried to pull me up off the floor and the Christmas
tree I’d just crushed by falling on top of.

“
You’ve already had one
back surgery, Pinky!” John Cash yelled as he left for the day. “You
don’t need another one!”

“
No one give her any
more alcohol,” Nanna Nat declared, standing up, on the
phone.

Then straight from work I went to
Tee’s, and she made me ANOTHER outstanding dinner. That girl can
cook!!!! It’s like dining at some fancy restaurant.

(she should open her own
restaurant)

Anyway, she had the grand idea of
letting me whip the cream for the butterscotch pancakes she was
making from scratch for dessert.

First, I whipped the cream so hard
it turned into like hard, orange lumps.

(where did the orange colour come
from??? So confused by that)

Tee gave a gasp of horror when I
showed her, but washed the bowl and electric mixer tongs out, and
handed it all back to me again.

(didn’t she learn??)

Second attempt, I accidently
pressed the eject button on the tongs, and they flew across the
kitchen and hit a wall. Cream moderately everywhere.

Again the crazy woman patiently
washed it all out

(while we couldn’t stop
laughing)

and gave it all to me
again.

Clearly, this was my cue to end on
a spectacular note.

When I stuck the mixer in the bowl
on my third attempt, I accidently put it on high, and cream went
EVERYWHERE, and I mean, EVERYWHERE.

In our faces, all over us, the
walls, THE CEILING.

“
I’m having a bit of a
clumsy day,” I declared, cream dripping off my
eyelashes.

“
YOU THINK?!!!”
screamed Tee, but we were doubled over, laughing. “I’m never asking
you to whip cream again! Now get out of my kitchen!!”

We laughed for like half an hour.
Was so funny.

I’ve had so much fun today. What a
great day this turned out to be.

You never know how your day will
end up.

Sunday 3 December
2000

9.47pm

Oh my god, I’ve had the best
weekend!!!!! Too much has happened, too much to tell!!!

I was so tired yesterday from
being at Tee’s till late the night before, then I had to get up at
the crack of dawn and go back to Tee’s, pick her up, and drive us
to the hairdressers. I love going to the hairdressers with Tee. We
used to do it all the time. It’s so fun and girly!!

Then we went shopping at
Carindale, for something for me to wear to the Christmas party. I
found a GORGEOUS pink sparkling dress for $55.

Then we went back to hers and she
made me this BEAUTIFUL lunch, and she did my nails and curled my
hair.

What a best friend.

She totally pampered me. I feel so
special.

Then I had to race home to finish
getting ready before Matt, Melissa and Nathan arrived.

Matt looked DROP DEAD
HOT.

He was in evening pants and a
crisp, white shirt and an 80’s like black thin tie. It just worked
on him.

SUPER worked on him. I just wanted
to grab him and nuzzle into that white shirt. I wanted to feel my
cheek pressed against its crispness.

That shirt really did it for me
for some reason! I was like, overcome with longing for
him.

He walked into the lounge room
behind Melissa and Nath, and was all, “I tried ringing you this
morning, Karina.”

I paused, where I was in the
dining room, pouring drinks for us all. My heart was going ba-doom
ba-doom ba-doom ba-doom in my ears. “You did?”

“
Yeah, about seven
thirty,” Matt replied, moving closer to me, coming to rest right
near me.