ShameLess (20 page)

She slumped down onto the floor, curling herself into a fetal position. Uncontrollable sobs claimed her as I struggled to make my way inside. Seeing her laying there broke my heart because she had been taking off all of the tubes that were hooked up to her, her breathing was labored and very shallow, but she was still awake, though barely. I just wanted to run as far away as I could. I also wanted to take her place if I could. I know it was my heart, that just wanted to tell her, “It was time to go home.”

My mom always had a strong faith. ‘Home’, to me, until this moment, just meant our house where I grew up. It meant being with her, my dad, Cass, and my friends. It never occurred to me it was so much more than that. Watching her fighting to breathe killed me inside. I could feel her soul begin to leave her. I could. No words can explain how much I just wanted to pull it back. It’s what came next that haunts my sleep even to this day most nights. Now, they aren’t as frequent, but they do still occur.

I made my way over to her, taking her hand in my own, “Hey beautiful,” I said, hoping my voice remained strong enough to support me since I was pretty damn sure my legs were not. “Hey baby boy,” her very low raspy voice replied in broken and labored breaths. She kept trying to talk. I kept trying to tell her not to, that she needed to rest. “I will soon,” she told me, and watching her fight to talk to me tore my heart in half. “Ssh, mom, it’s ok. I know.” I couldn’t do it. I knew I needed to but I kept struggling to say anything at all.

You should not have to watch someone you love have their life sucked out of them, with any sort of physical exertion, especially when it’s obvious they would rather stay with you, too. “I will miss you, mom, but it is okay to go.” Tears broke free from my soul, and I cried just like the little boy she always called me. I have always been her ‘little boy’. I gently brought her hand to my face, letting the backside rest against my cheek. I moved it to my lips, giving her a soft and gentle kiss. But, it was when I leaned down to place a butterfly kiss upon her cheek - something she and I have done since I was young and she would tuck me in after reading me a bedtime story - which caught a single breath in my throat that has never released since it was frozen in this moment in time. She opened her eyes, looked straight at me, took one deep gasp, and then took her last breath as her body relaxed back onto the bed. Her. Final. Fucking. Breath. Even now, these tears sting my eyes.

I snap back into reality, with the fresh memory threatening to bring tears to my eyes. Ren has chased after me, and is spinning me around to face her. “It’s not what you think, Stefan. I swear. It’s
not
what you think! I would never do anything to hurt you. Never!”

She has no idea what she means to me. I have no idea what she means to me, not really, though I have been thinking seriously about this since that one day at the beach. Hell, who am I trying to kid? I’ve known the real truth since first meeting her, and that there was something different about her. But, this one moment seals it all for me. With recent thoughts of my mother’s memory renewed in my mind, I break down. Ren wraps her arms around me and holds me tight. I can tell she wants to say something about me crying because this is the first time, but she doesn’t.
Thank God!

I can’t remember the last time anyone actually apologized to me for anything. Aside from my Mom, of course, but that has been so long ago that I can barely even remember the sound of her voice, let alone what she looks like, except by still looking at her pictures. There are a few of her and dad that hang above the fireplace in his office at home, so I see them there when I go home for holidays and such.

Placing my arms around her, I step back to look at her, “What was all of that then, if it’s not what I think? Mind explaining?”

“Stefan, I should have told you. God, I should have just told you. He’s been sending me texts, and can’t seem to let me go. What you saw back there was me telling him one last time that I want nothing to do with him because I don’t love him, I love you,”

I can tell she wasn’t planning to share all of that with me, that her intent was to conceal the last part. The look on her face tells me this much. Lucky for me, she didn’t hold back. I swoop her up in my arms, spinning her around. I don’t tell her the same, not yet. This is all too fresh and this moment doesn’t feel right. When I tell her for the first time, it will be a night she will never forget, just like the first night we were together. She keeps apologizing, and I keep kissing her apologizing lips. Eventually, we pull ourselves apart long enough to realize we’re both going to be late for our next class. I kiss her one more time before she starts to walk away from me toward McLean Hall for her biology class.

“Wait! Star, wait up,” I call after her, as I run to catch up to her.

Pulling the book from the back of my pants waistband, I hand it to her. “I almost forgot. I know it’s not your birthday yet, but I got this for you because I know how much you really wanted it.”

“Oh my god, Stefan! You’re so sweet! And, you’re too much. This is too much. You really didn’t have to do this. But, I’m glad you did. Thank you.” She throws her arms around me, and gives me a huge kiss. The gratitude sparkling in her eyes is fucking adorable. I’ll buy her a million books to see her sparkle like this. It’s this look showing on her face that tells me I’ve made the right decision.

Ren is bouncing up and down like a small child, continually kissing me with fever. “I’ve gotta go. I’ll see you later,” she says, kissing me one more time as she begins slowly pulling away again.

“I’ll pick you up at seven. Be ready, okay, I have another surprise.” And, with that, I steal one more kiss from her before letting her run off to class. I stand watching after her for longer than I probably should have because now I realize I’m very late for class. Another one skipped, I think, before turning to head toward the student center to grab a burger.

Leaving the center, I dig my cell out from my pocket to send Ren a quick text, but trip over some wet leaves lying on the stairs and drop my phone as I’m trying to catch myself on the railing.
Fuck!

“Careful,” I hear the deep, firm voice coming from a short distance way. I would recognize this voice from anywhere.

‘Devil’ I freeze. Every ounce of my core goes numb, stiffens, and I am jerked to an abrupt halt. As if the season agrees, a few ‘wet’ leaves rustle around us.

“What are you doing here and what do you want?” I spit out, as swift as a rising tide.

The ‘devil’ bends down and picks up my cell. Through furrowed brow and a firmer voice, he makes direct eye contact with me before saying, “Ren, eh? Falling in love with her was NOT part of our deal. Keep your dick in your pants and your heart in check, boy, or the deal is off...”

The leaves blow in his wake, as I watch him saunter off.

It will be a cold day in hell before I give her up. I know loss. Until Ren, until my wish for her came true, I never thought my heartache of losing my mom would ever heal. Now, I know, more than the air in my lungs, her memory is real. Ren is real, and what I feel for her is real. I’m alive again because of her. I’m able to love again because of her. The breath in my throat finally escapes. No matter what, he will not take that away from me.

S’renaty

Still reeling from such a thoughtful gift from Stefan, I am eager to have the time to start reading the book he got me. I love that we also share a love for reading. To look at him, no one would ever know he is such an avid bookworm, like me. He is rough around the edges, until you really get to know him. We have spent so many hours curled up together on his couch in his apartment, or lounging in comfy chairs at our favorite coffee spot, just reading. He makes me swoon with an overflowing heart. I can barely contain myself.

I hate that he saw Tucker and me together. The hard smack across Tucker’s face is something he didn't see as he made his way across the lawn because he was so caught up in what he
thought
was happening. I am so glad I was able to catch up to him to apologize, but mostly that he accepted. I cannot imagine my life without him now. Seeing him cry just about broke my heart in two. I cannot wait to see him again later.

For now, I have to meet up with Jade and Debi to get some party stuff taken care of. I know they would both slap me silly if I backed out on them. Jade texted me earlier instructing me to meet them by her car. I am nearly there now, and as I make my way across the lot, I spot what looks to be the same scruffy man from that van the other day, the one rammed into my bumper, and the same one that Stefan was watching.
Strange!

I glance in his direction again, and notice him watching me. He is obviously not an instructor, and is too old to be a student. Well, no one is technically too old but he just does not appear to be one, I guess I should say. Still, there is definitely something unsettling about him, and I keep seeing him around. In one fraction of time, it appears he is starting to walk over to me.
Holy shit! What do I do, what do I do?

My nerves start to take flight inside the deepest pit of my stomach and I want to cringe. I hastily turn my head, trying to ignore him, and put some more pep in my step to put distance between us.
I’m almost there. I’m almost there
! I repeat in my head, knowing my heart rate is accelerating, and I’m beginning to shake inside.
BOOM!
“Watch where you’re going!” I hear from the voice of the guy I smacked right into, while not paying attention to where I was walking.

“Sorry!” I yell back, picking up my pace a lot more. Now, my heartbeats are thumping, and my nerves are jumping nearly straight out of my skin. The hair on my arms is standing at salute to the sense of danger before me.

Fuck! Should I scream? No, don’t scream. Nothing has happened yet. Maybe he just wants to ask for directions. No, he doesn’t want to fucking ask for directions Ren. Seriously! Just keep ignoring him…keep walking, you’re almost to the car. There! There are Jade and Debi, keep walking, walk, walk, walk!

Finally! I reach them and they instantly notice how shaken up I am. “OH MY GOD! You guys, see that man following me? He is the one-”

They break my sentence at the same exact time, before I have the chance to finish, both exclaiming, “What? What man, Ren? There is no one there.”

I turn my head, along with my entire body to look behind me. No. One. Is. There.

“What the fuck? He was so there! Where’d he go? You had to have seen him, too. I mean, he was right fucking behind me. I’m not even joking. Seriously, this is freaking me out. I swear. He was. He was following me.”

I am so freaked out. I relax my shaken-n-stirred self against Jade’s Jetta for support. My knees are about to buckle, and I cannot catch my breath. It is so heavy. “Oh my god, I think I’m having a panic attack. There is an elephant on my chest and I’m going numb. I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe.”