ShameLess (15 page)

She is stunned, staring up at me. I lean into her, reach over her shoulder, resting my hand on the wall behind her. Our faces almost touch. Our lips almost touch. Our breath binds us together.

Whispering, “I don’t know what happened to your beautiful face, and I don’t need to know. No, let me correct myself. I want to know, but it’s probably not a smart idea for me
to
know who or what did this to you. Seriously, I’d hurt them. Ren. Just know this, it will never happen again. You can be sure of that.”

I kiss the tip of her nose, and the mark on her cheek is ripping my guts out. I place my Starbuck’s receipt with my number on it in the palm of her hand, and start to walk away. I only make a few steps before I yell over my shoulder, “And, you should also know, you
will
be mine.”

Yes! A very balls-to-the-wall move on my part. I’m glad I thought of writing my number down before walking over to their table. Necessary? Yes! It got her attention, so I succeeded. What she doesn’t know, but is soon going find out is that I’m only getting started.

I ain’t your grandma’s Casanova.

S’renaty

2 months later

I wake up early this morning with pressing reflections nagging me. Today marks nearly two months since the night Tucker reappeared, saved my life, and vowed to make everything ‘right’ between us again. It’s also almost two months to the day that I ran into Stefan at Starbucks and he made my heart melt.

The time I have spent with Tucker leaves me feeling unsettled. He has really tried to make an effort. I’m finding it difficult to transition into the present with him when our past still haunts me. I’m truly at a standstill with this. He has been sweet during the times we have spent studying, going out for lunch or dinner, and biking through trails in the nearby park, which was something we used to do together in high school.

As I sit here, curled up on my bed, I grab my nearby notebook from my nightstand. I know I need to put pen to paper to get all of these conflicted feelings out. I start penning my thoughts, emotions, and memory recalls, as they come to me. With a shaky hand, I start:

My emotions have become a tangled mess of erroneous details in my mind lately. My heart is not convinced as to whether I should go on trying to make things work with Tucker, or let him go. Should I move on, or give him the second chance he keeps pleading from me? Does he even deserve it? I know he notices my wavering resistance with him. This memory still fresh in my mind, first recalls:

He picked me up last night around eight, and we decided to go into town for pizza. It has become one of my favorite places since coming here. As we are driving, he turns down the stereo, asking, “What’s wrong, Renny? You are zoning.” I was looking out the front windshield, not quite paying attention to anything in particular, so I suppose I didn’t really hear him trying to have a conversation with me.

The reality is my mind was drifting again. I have been fighting desperately to fully accept the apology he offered me that night, and there had been a few moments lately when we were together where I was relaxed and able to feel like I could accept it. For instance, every time he calls me ‘Renny’ it takes me back to happier times when he and I, along with Elle and all of our friends hang out by the pool at one of our houses, music blasting and having so much fun. We were so relaxed and carefree then. Yep! ‘Renny’ reminds me of that time, of him being sought after and dreamed of by most every girl in our school, but he was mine. Back then, at that time, he was committed to me. Like, how we would lounge around playing zombie attacking video games, screaming and yelping at each other to, “shoot!”, or “get him, get him!” Those were our innocent times, long before now. Like how he went to such lengths to make our ‘first’ time together memorable. He was my first; I was his. Together, we explored one another nervously. Neither of us minded. We were doing it together.

“Sorry, I was just thinking. Nothing’s wrong,” I tell him without being able to turn my head enough to look directly at him. I should have known better than to think a wayward reply would satisfy him. He takes my hand, pulls it over to rest atop his thigh.

“I’ve been trying Ren. These past few weeks, I’ve been trying, really trying, but you’re not letting me in. I know I fucked up. I can never tell you how sorry I am for that. I’m trying to move past it, with you, but you aren’t letting me, especially when you’ve been distant and now can’t even tell me what’s wrong. I can tell something is bugging you,” He almost spits it all out running all of his words together, without even as much as a small breath. Almost.

The truth is that I know he’s right. I have been distant. I haven’t really let him back in. Maybe I never can. The rest of that night, we ate pizza, made small talk, and, then I had him drive me back to the dorm. Jade was impatiently waiting to eagerly jump me the minute I walked through the door.

“So, how’d it go?” She sat upright, upon saying it. She and I have grown tight since that ‘make-up’ day with Debi. The three of us have grown so close we all refer to ourselves at the ‘Three Amigos’, just as Jade predicted. And, just like Elle, Lucy and I called ourselves. We have spent countless hours staying up late watching movies, doing our nails, and talking about everything and anything. When she asked me this, I knew immediately what she meant, and what she was trying to pull from me.

“It went.” I guiltily offered back, making my way to my closet to kick off my shoes, without making direct eye contact with her. The funny thing about guilt is it always makes its presence known every single time there is reason. I suppose I feel guilty because I may never be able to let Tucker in, again.

“Hmm, ‘It went’, Eh? That doesn’t sound like a great night to me. Tell me this, when you are with him, how do you feel?” I wasn’t entirely blind-sided by this, but was still a little dazed by her sudden autopsy of my brain’s thought processes.

After a few short minutes, pausing to think about how I wanted to answer her, I replied, “Well, I don’t know. I mean, I spent two years with him, Jade. He was my ‘first’, and my first real boyfriend. We grew up together. Our families are friends, and run in the same social circles, play golf together at the same country club every Saturday. We have history, even though not every single part of that is good. It’s still there, and it is part of me. But, it’s not him. I can’t seem to resurrect what we had, or let him back in. He’s sweet, and is still a great kisser. When I’m with him, part of me wants to be while the other part still struggles being there. I don’t have butterflies or get weak in the knees. As far as I’m concerned, his attempts; his pleas…Oh! What am I going to do?”

The more I talk, and open up, the more I realize how conflicted I truly am. This is THE defining moment for me. Jade questions me some more, and it forces me to recognize the position I’m in. I am dating two guys who are completely different from one another.

These two guys are both incredibly sweet, and caring. One is a preppy jock, with dark hair, and dark eyes. He is part of who I have been and why I am becoming who I am now. Our past connect us. There is the other one who is the opposite. He is arrogant, cocky, but very intelligent. We can sit for hours; gaze up at the stars and just talk about anything - everything. We can share silence that is us fully communicating without even speaking a word. We are so comfortable with each other and always joke around. He is playful, and cheesy – my kind of cheesy. Our past connects us through similar parallels of loss and pain. There is something about him…has actually stopped his player ways? Is there something I’m missing about him? I’m determined to find out.

Each one has something to offer. Each makes me feel special. They are just different. I am different because of them.

Jade interrupted my thoughts, coming over to me and sitting beside me. She turned to face me, more serious than I have seen her so far, “I see…well, pretty soon you are going to have to make a decision, Ren. Although, I’m pretty sure you’ve already made up your mind, or your heart has already decided for you. Regardless, you can’t keep stringing them along or you may end up losing both of them. Hell, any girl would kill to be with either of them. You have them both, and can’t make up your fucking mind. Girl, sooner or later, you have to.”

Aside from the internal conflict, the mysterious man that attacked me outside the dorm that night plagues me. Over these past two months, I have had differing degrees of strange text messages, saying, “I am watching you,” or “I am coming for you,” and even one that read, “You are mine.” There have been hang up calls, as well. All of them from an unknown number. All of them random and totally freaked me out, even more. I didn’t tell Tucker, Stefan, or any of my friends – not a soul, and especially not my dad. Thankfully, I never had to because the last one I received was about a week ago. I haven’t received any more since then. A week before that last call, I was on my way over to Stefan’s apartment. We had plans to meet there before going to Starbucks for coffee and to read. I borrowed Jade’s car and was almost to Stefan’s apartment when I noticed a van following me. I’m sure of it.

Since I was only a couple of blocks away, I sped up going through a yellow light to put distance between us. He sped up, too. One block away, he came up behind me and tapped into my rear bumper. Jade’s car, thumped, and upon initial impact, my heart began racing out of my chest. My hands were trembling so hard I could hardly keep my fingers wrapped securely around the steering wheel to stay on the road. As I pulled into Stefan’s apartment complex parking lot, the van kept going straight, driving right past me.

Once parked, I never hesitated, despite my accelerated heartbeats and shattered nerves. I jumped out of the car, locked it with the keyless remote as I raced across the lot into the building, running straight to Stefan’s door. I never told Stefan, though. I never told anyone. I don’t know who this is, or what he wants with me, but I refuse to drag the people I care about into this, and jeopardize their welfare. I would never forgive myself if I were the reason for anything happening to them, like with Elle. I just pray it’s finally over since I haven’t gotten any more calls, or texts, and I haven’t noticed the guy in that white van since that day.

I put my pen down on top of my closed notebook, and place both inside the drawer of my nightstand. Replaying the words I wrote, the emotions and thoughts are now released onto the pages capturing my life, as I know it. It eases the heavy pressure in my chest. Every time I write, I feel so much better. It’s as if I am reminded of exactly who I am. I know Jade is right and I need to make a decision. I also realize sometimes strange things happen and we aren’t given any real answers. I have mixed feelings; sure. I am torn; definitely. I am scared; a little. I am scarred; forever.

Through it all, there truly are blessings provided every single time I pen my mind onto the pages of a book. It reminds me that it’s not in the actual events that unfold, or how they reveal themselves that defines us. It is also not in the clear recollections of our memories that lights our way, but in our feelings, day to day.