ShameLess (28 page)

She grabs my shirt in her tiny fists, tugging me closer to her. I want to melt; she has me breathless all over again. I am also stunned she is truly opening up and fully trusting me. Witnessing her bravery makes me hate who I was when I was lying to protect her but I had to, at first.

Once I was invested, I was no longer protecting my dad. I was protecting her, which was me protecting my heart. I reach up positioning my hands within the threads of her dark strands, and sincerely smile at
my
girl.

Ren resumes speaking but what she says next momentarily stops the beating of my heart. “I realize ‘more than words can say’, you are always here,” placing my hand on her heart before saying, “You are part of my soul now, and I don’t want us to ever be apart again. I can’t think about my life without you in it. Some people come into your life for a specific reason. I am lucky to find you and that is worth fighting for. I love you.”

Tears now form in my own eyes. I haven’t been loved like this in years. I kiss the tip of her nose as my heart beams with so much honest love. For this one girl. She has forever healed who I was, and changed who I am.

Conveying to her, “Good, Star, because you may have felt you were the one needing saving, but it was me all along. You saved
me
. You taught me to love again. The ones you love may do things that upset you. Hell, they may give you a hundred reasons to give up. Thank you for not giving up on me. I may not be good enough. I know I am not the best for you, but you make me want to be the best I can be. I pray that is good enough. Thank you for loving me enough to hold on.”

With a firm hand, I bring her to me, whispering, “I love you more than words can say, to the moon and back. I will never let you go,” then kiss her with every ounce of who I feel when she is in
my
arms.

I show her in this one kiss all of the love I am capable of because of her, and all I am when I have her.

S’renaty

Stefan’s hands are strong against the small of my back as he draws me closer, whispering, “I love you more than words can say. I will never let you go,” then he kisses me with such passion my knees feel weak, and my entire body heats up from the inside out. I can tell that this one kiss holds all of the love he has for me.

I return it equally. My eyes remain closed throughout our lips uniting so I can savor the taste and feel of him. I allow my body to meld into his, and lose myself completely. I open my eyes to take him in. Stefan’s dark hair drapes across his brow, which has me melting as our foreheads meet and our eyes liquefy together in the midst of our mutual arousal.

I tease in a hushed tone, “More than words can say, eh? Never let me go, huh?” Playfully, I instigate him.

He pecks the tip of my nose, playing right back, and darts down to pick me up, cradling me in his arms. “Star, do you need proof, baby?” He steals another kiss, this time a lingering softer one that he places on the smooth skin of my cheek.

“More than words can say,” I wink at him, before nestling into his neck. I kiss the creases there, inhaling the mixture of the summer’s ocean salt and the musk of his cologne upon his skin. I bring my mouth to his ear, kissing the tiniest part of his bottom lobe, and halting only long enough to nibble just a little. I can feel his upper body tense immediately as his biceps tighten from the stimulation.

“You know I would never refuse you. But, you do realize you have a huge party going on up there, and you are the guest of honor? Not to mention, we have all night for that, and I still have a few more surprises for you.”

I wiggle myself free from his arms, lowering my legs into a standing position in front of him, and ask bright eyed with childlike wonder, “A surprise? Oooh, I like surprises. What is it?”

A huge grin spreads across his face as his eyes glimmer into mine, “Here, give me your hand, and I will show you,” Stefan says as I mesh our fingers together. Without further delay, he is leading me through the sand toward the fire pit.

On our way, the cool breeze from the ocean hits my face causing my eyes to start watering. I take my free hand and begin to wipe them away. My ears pick up the sound of the waves crashing, and gradually I lose some of the excitement I had before while anticipating the surprise.

A serene calm quickly replaces it. “Just listen. Do you hear the way the ocean seduces the sand? I absolutely love it here. I just feel so at peace, like I am home, like how I feel when I am with you, and the way you seduce me,” I announce in a low relaxed tone, continuing to focus on this perfect place, and being here with
my
perfect guy. The soothing nature of how its waves lovingly whisper its lullaby upon the shore.

“Yeah, it is perfect,” Stefan answers as coolly as the breeze whistles through my hair. I tuck my windswept strands behind my ear, not paying full attention to anything else. I am lost marveling between the salty smell gliding through gentle breezes and leaving its light chilly caresses upon my skin as the soft sand squishes beneath my feet. Even the whispered dialogue between a powerful ocean making its acquaintance with an innocent shoreline leaves me breathless. All of it captivates every sense within me. I close my eyes, allowing Stefan to guide me, feeling its weightless and lasting impression upon my soul. It’s quite cleansing.

“Star. Open your eyes, baby. Happy birthday!”

I do as instructed, and am immediately speechless. I see it as clear as day sitting there, but can honestly say I wasn’t expecting this. “Aww, you got me a telescope. Thank you,” I say, not able to find the words to adequately express how I feel.

“You’re welcome.” Stefan passes a softened expression across his entire face, “It’s so you can always locate and see our star shining wherever you are, Ren. ShameLess is us, you and me. It represents so much of who we are and are still growing to become. We’ve both been through so much. For so long I wished for you on a star, just never knew I would find you, but I did. You are the first girl to ever leave me breathless. Anyway, I just thought…”

His words imprint upon my heart.
ShameLess is us!
Yes, I melt.

“Show me, please. I love it! I love you. Can you teach me to find us in the sky, when we are not together on earth?” I love this man. He is so pure, so real. He is simple, yet so complex. I love the way his roughened exterior shields such a sensitive beautiful heart. No one would ever know what he has been through or his badass ways are defense mechanisms. No one cared before, until me. He dedicated a star in the sky to us. He surprised me by singing to me in front of tons of people to win me back. He buys me a telescope so that I can find ‘us’ up there as it shines down upon us here.
How did I get so lucky?

One day, I will take him to meet Elle. In this moment, I do feel lucky. I am certain Elle is shining down on me too.
God I miss you, but my heart is healing. Not a day will ever go by where I ever stop missing you, Elle. If you are responsible for gifting him into my life, ‘thank you’. You truly are the ‘wind beneath my wings’.

After a few minutes of looking through the lens of the telescope, Stefan steps back, and pulls my hand, tugging me over to him. Then, he spins me around with my backside against his front, placing both of his arms around me, “Hey, you alright? You look lost in thought.”

I can only simply answer, “Mmmhmm, I’m fine. Just thinking of Elle, but I’m good.”

He gives me a soft, tender hug, “Okay, just wondering. She’s with you, you know that right?”

I reply, “I know, thanks. I just miss her. Right now is one of those times. I know she would love you. Sometimes, I even think she may be the reason I have you. I was just thanking her for you, if she is. So, enough about that. Show me ‘us’.”

Stefan rests against my back for a brief second, kissing the back of my head. “Maybe she is, Ren. Or, maybe we just have two beautiful butterflies flitting among the stars. Just maybe, they dance on the moonbeams of our star. Here, lean into the scope. Look through the glass with one eye while holding the other one closed. It should be right there. Do you see it?”

A couple of seconds pass after that. I am thankful for the vibrant silence, “Ahh! I see ShameLess! I see us, Stefan. We are so beautiful. Thank you so much. This is the best gift, ever. Well, aside from you, of course.”

I turn back around to face him and kiss him with authentic sincerity. It is filled with joy, happiness, contentment, and strong, yet gentle intensity. An equal balance equivalent to who we are growing into together. Pure elation fills me. What an amazingly thoughtful gesture. I cannot recall ever being this happy.

Stefan withdraws his lips from mine, “Yes, baby, we are. This isn’t it, though. I have one more surprise. You ready?”

More?
Without realizing it, I speak my humble thoughts aloud. He nods his head, confirming.

The next thing I know, he is down on one knee. He removes a small box from his pocket, and takes my hands in his, “Ren, I know we are both still healing, and have been through so much. But, before I met you, I was lost. Not only did losing my mom mess me up, but it also caused me not to honor her. She always raised me to respect myself and respect females. When she died, I did neither. I became just like my own dad, drinking myself through grief and drowning my loss with meaningless sex. Until I met you, I didn’t even know I was in need of being found. Sure, I saw Dr. Bradford. But, part of therapy is recognizing you need it. I didn’t want to accept my life was what I never expected it to be, or dreamed it would become. So, I sure as hell was not willing to recognize any therapy was needed.”

He takes a brief but deep intake of air, releases it slowly, “You are my wish come true. You are my girl, my Star. No matter what, we will always be together every night in the sky above us, where space and time unite. I know we’re still in school, but this is my promise to you. Will you accept my promise ring; accept my love, forever and always?”

“Forever and always, I love you. YES!” With tears cascading down my cheeks, I jump up into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist. It is our little thing, and it makes my heart smile.

Stefan slips the ring on my finger, “So, I got this one because one day, you can still wear it on your other hand, if you want. It is both of our hearts, combined.”

He winks at me, playfully, and I beam from ear to ear, especially after actually taking the time to look at the two interlocked diamond hearts resting in the center of a sterling silver band. On each side of the hearts, our names are engraved. On the inside, it reads, “No matter what.”

I am ecstatic, and over the moon thrilled that he thought enough to do all of this. I kiss him, again, taking my time to savor him a little longer this time. “It is perfect! I love it.”

Stefan is beaming so hard right now, and his accelerated heartbeats match my own. “So, I hear a certain birthday girl has a party to get back to, but a little birdy told me she also has some business with me, eh?”

“Yep. I sure do. Yeah, about the party - later, we can party all night long. For right this very instant, I need you now. Forever and always, no matter what. But, for right now, let’s just start tonight.”

I take his lips into my own, suckling on the bottom lip, and then tracing the tip of my tongue around the inside of his mouth. He picks me up, cradling me once more in the strength of his arms, kissing me back with slow needy earnestness.

Stefan is carrying me in his arms through the grains of sand. This one moment in time proves how far I have come. Through it all, I have learned to crawl. Now, even as he carries me, this one man is all I need through life; together we stand.