Sex Secrets of an American Geisha (12 page)

D
id you know, dear Younger Sister, that men have very fragile egos? Psychologists tell us, but perhaps we women still don’t realize, just how fragile a man’s ego is. He can feel bad about himself as a man if things go wrong at work, if he performs badly at sports, if he feels disre spected by someone, even if he sees another man with a very beautiful woman.

A man’s sense of himself as a man is generally much more fragile than a woman’s sense of herself as a woman. Although men are physically stronger, in the areas of psychology and self-image women are surely the stronger, at least as concerns the fundamental ways men and women feel about them selves in their gender roles. Although a woman can certainly have quite negative psychological reactions to events in her life, it is unlikely that she will often feel fundamentally bad about herself as a woman. She may have re actions to different situations that make her feel like a bad friend, an unlov ing wife, or an uncommitted employee. It is unlikely, though, that she very often thinks to herself, “I’m not much of a woman,” or “I feel bad about myself as a woman.”Women tend to be secure in this area, not very hard on themselves in evaluating how they are doing as a member of their sex. But imagine, if you have kids, how you would feel if someone attacked your skill or worth as a mother. That’s how a man feels when he believes that his worth as a man is under attack.

I believe that both the Asian Geisha and you, the Younger Sister Ameri can Geisha, have a fundamental and firm grasp and psychological certitude of your basic worthiness as a woman. You’ll rarely hear a criticism such as, “What kind of a woman are you to do something like that?” Perhaps it is even amusing to think that anyone would try to attack you in that way, for your concept of yourself as a woman is likely a strong one, not easily as saulted.

You might well feel bad if things went wrong at work, but to feel bad about your womanhood for something that went wrong at work is some thing you probably cannot fathom. After all, you might think, how can the two, work and womanhood, even be considered linked? My other examples of losing at sports and of being disrespected would not cause you, dear Younger Sister, to feel like less of a woman, would they? And if you see another woman with a very handsome man, I am confident that whatever your reaction might be it would not be to put yourself down as a woman.

Part Two of the book is addressed primarily to women who are already in committed, monogamous relationships or who are married, since I rec ommend that you do not have sex, even with a Good Man, until you com mit to a monogamous relationship and both test for sexually transmitted diseases. (I’ll go into more detail in Chapter 10.) If you are still seeking your Good Man, reading this part of the book now will be valuable in help ing you form your Geisha Consciousness. Once you become more inti mately involved with a Good Man, you’ll want to revisit these chapters to remind yourself how much you can do to make your man feel good about himself and about you.

You Must Be Strong to Pursue
Love and Marriage

We women are strong. The Asian Geisha must be confident of herself as a woman as she pursues a livelihood that not all people understand or respect. The American Geisha must have confidence in herself as she pursues love and marriage, since she, too, may be misunderstood by some who don’t re spect or agree with her steadfast, ambitious pursuit.

Most men, on the other hand, are forever judged (and judge them selves) by whether they act in a manly way. (Have you ever thought about anything you’ve done, Younger Sister, and asked yourself whether you acted “in a womanly way”? I doubt it.) Most men, including your Good Man, feel their manhood threatened by the many ways in which they can be made unsuccessful in their endeavors (such as in work or in sports), or threatened by a loss of control (as in be ing disrespected). And as for that other man with a beautiful woman, it is in the realm of sex that your Older Sister finds most men’s egos to be quite vulnerable. Losses and a lack of control in a man’s sex life make him feel bad as a man. Conversely—and here is the good news for the American Geisha who wishes to attract, satisfy, and marry a Good Man—his suc cesses and feelings of being in control in his sex life make him feel good about himself as a man.

Put simply, your Older Sister thinks it comes down to this: A man is expected by others and by himself to perform successfully and to be re spected. When he is unable to get the world to grant him these things, he feels like less of a man. Women, in contrast, do not associate successful per formance with their concept of themselves as women. A woman doesn’t have to do anything to feel good as a woman; just being is enough for her to feel fine about herself. And while a man feels he has to command respect if he’s any kind of a man, a woman is more focused on being cherished or loved. Because women and men are so different in this area, we women may have some difficulty understanding and empathizing with a man about it. “What’s the big deal?” we might think when our Good Man seems so dev astated and down on himself for making an error that cost his company softball team the game, or when a potential new client (disrespectfully) can cels his sales presentation at the last minute.

Make Your Good Man Feel Like
More
of a Man
I spend so long on this subject because it is so important. For your relation ship with your Good Man to be successful, you must never make him feel like less of a man. You must always help him feel like more of a man when he is with you.

One of the strongest similarities between the Asian Geisha and the American Geisha is the dedication they share to building up a man’s confi dence in himself. This is the unspoken, primary motivation men have for employing the services of an Asian Geisha: She makes them feel fantastic. She does this by stroking the man’s ego, by devoting herself totally (in the minutes or hours of her service) to making the man (or group of men) the absolute focus of her attention. The client feels incredibly flattered that this beautiful, sexy, feminine, talented, intelligent, confident woman so willingly gives him more focused attention than does any other woman (or person) in his life. Of course, if these men were to examine the situation with a more critical eye, they would probably realize that the geisha is simply providing her skilled services because she is well paid to do so, not because she thinks any particular client is “such a man.”The Asian Geisha is a beautiful actress, speaking lines from a script that she has developed for the very purpose of making her client feel good about himself. She knows that a convincing, ego-building performance with her client will likely result in his future busi ness. Even if her performance is simply images and fakery that could not withstand closer scrutiny by her client, he will choose again and again not to examine it closely, for he so enjoys the final outcome of their little charade. In her company he feels so funny, so wise, so handsome, so captivating.

Younger Sister American Geisha, it is important that you learn this les son about men’s psyches. Yet it is equally important that you recognize a key difference between yourself and the Asian Geisha. You will build your Good Man’s ego and sense of himself as a man through your sincere affec tion, not through the calculation of customer satisfaction. Let us pause here a moment and consider the idea of the American Geisha’s similarity to the Asian Geisha. Over hundreds of years Asian Geisha have prospered by rec ognizing the great and fundamental need in men to feel good as men, and by providing services to fulfill that need. These services tend to be quite ex pensive, so the psychological need they fulfill must be quite compelling; otherwise a client might better spend his money on something more tan gible. Yet those who employ a geisha’s services feel they get good value for their money, and again and again they ask for a particular geisha’s atten dance at their events and parties.

This psychological need to feel good as a man must be very powerful. Were we able to probe deeply into and even below the consciousness of men who employ geisha services, we might find that their subconscious minds know that it is all smoke and mirrors, all illusion, all a subterfuge, all an unreal image projected by the geisha, who has learned over a long train ing period how to do what she does so well, to transport her client to an in credible fantasy world where women dedicate their lives to making men feel good about themselves.

You, too, my American Geisha trainee, will dedicate yourself to making your Good Man feel like more of a man whenever he is with you, simply because he is dating or engaged to or married to you. As you might suspect, it is especially in the area of sex that your Good Man can be made to feel so good about himself. It is also where, according to how your sexual relationship works out, he can be made to feel bad about himself as a man. Because a woman’s way of looking at sex is so different from her Good Man’s way of looking at sex, I believe (and my husband and other men confirm) that it is between difficult and impossible for her to fully comprehend how impor tant it is to a man that he perform well and successfully and be respected by her as a great lover (or, at least, as a quite competent one). Of course, we women do not put such pressure on ourselves to “perform” during sex, and during sex we certainly do not look for “respect,” but rather for pleasure, love, cherishing, and caring.

If you, Younger Sister, can come to have this understanding of your Good Man and are sincerely and enthusiastically willing to do all you can to make him feel incredibly good about himself sexually, you will offer to him something that is nearly impossible to find in any other woman. The way to a man’s heart is through making him feel better about his cock; the way to a man’s heart is through making him feel better about himself as a man. Make him feel good, great, fantastic about the performance of his cock (or fingers or tongue), and you’ll make him feel good, great, fantastic as a man. Do this consistently and he’ll never leave you.

It is time again for a caution from your Older Sister. I have emphasized in this chapter that you should always make your Good Man feel good about himself as a man. My caution is that you stay conscious of two things as you build up your man’s sense of himself: Do this only for a Good Man; and do not become a doormat by sacrificing yourself and forgetting what you need out of the relationship. Both the Asian Geisha and the American Geisha are strong, assertive women who pursue what they need from the relationship, even as they are wonderfully kind and supportive of their Good Men.

Abandon Political Correctness in Bed

I have spent several pages, dear Younger Sister, building my case for making your Good Man feel good about himself as a man, especially as a sexual man. Now let me return to the title of this chapter: “Give Away Credit for Your Orgasm . . . to Him!” I know that we women in the Western world have had to struggle for the right to be acknowledged as both worthy and capable of having frequent, consistent orgasms. Freud tried to make us feel “immature” for having clitoral orgasms; and the G-spot orgasm (see the next chapter) remains relatively unknown to Western women. So, while we are still trying to claim our rightful place in the world of orgasms, how can I recommend that you give away credit for something you’ve fought for and continue to fight for so mightily, your orgasm? A woman’s orgasm almost rises to the level of political rights. Yet I want you to throw credit for your orgasm over to your Good Man, rather than politically correctly claiming your orgasm proudly as your own. Yes, that is exactly what I want you to do.

Why do I make such a suggestion? My reasoning goes back to the fact of the vulnerable male ego, which is especially defenseless when it comes to things sexual. Also, please remember, dear Younger Sister, that a woman’s ego strength is such that the placement of credit for her (or her man’s) or gasm has no effect on how she feels as a woman. You can give away this credit and suffer no damage to your sense of self. You do not want or need to re ceive “credit” during sex. Rather, you want physical pleasure and emotional closeness. By contrast, your Good Man needs that credit. To be told by you that he deserves full credit for inspiring you and bringing you to your or gasm (of whatever kind) makes him feel incredibly happy, powerful, potent, sexual, successful, and respected.

Hear this now, my sweet American Geisha: Nothing makes your Good Man feel better about himself as a man than to know that he inspired and created the orgasm experienced by this wonderful, beautiful, sexual woman, you, his Good Woman. Nothing.

Your Good Man could receive a million-dollar bonus or be promoted early or be acclaimed as an outstanding architect. Any of those events would no doubt make him feel great. But when he makes you come on his cock, fingers, or tongue, nothing else (not money, not promotion, not ac claim) makes him feel so great as a man. Let me say it again because it is so important to your long-term, loving relationship. When you enthusiastically and consistently give your Good Man complete credit for your orgasm, he will never leave you, because he feels—you make him feel—so incredibly good as a man.

Another caution. Much as we women may think that men can be insen sitive at times, there is one area in which a man is very sensitive: the extent of your enthusiasm for sex with him. A Good Man wants you to be into sex with him. If he senses a lack of real enthusiasm and passion from you, he will be dissatisfied with the sex the two of you have. Let your passion and enthusiasm be sincere and clearly expressed, so that he feels your total in volvement in sex with him.