Scars of the Present (4 page)

Chapter Five

The night went on and soon most of the guests had left, leaving a handful of people still in the backyard. David and his family had gone home shortly after our confrontation and no matter how many times I tried to catch his eye, he had avoided mine.

Sean was also freezing me out, acting as if I had been the one to pull him upstairs for some quick sex. I tried not to be irritated with him though. I completely understood Sean’s reaction and I swore to myself that I wouldn’t let it happen again. A clean break between the two of us was the only thing that would help Sean and I needed to remember that.

I sat on the edge of the old trampoline next to Amanda, our legs swinging over the side as we sat directly on the springs. Josh and Maddie were sitting at a table, their heads together as they talked quietly. Matt, Sean, Linda, and Craig were sitting next to a propane fire pit that Craig had brought out, all of them laughing about something.

“Did Jenny take your mom home?” I turned to look at Amanda, her gaze was settled on Matt, but jerked back to me when I spoke.

“Yeah, being around a lot of people is hard for her. I’m glad she was able to come for a little bit.” She sighed heavily and rubbed her eyes with her fists. “I think I’m going to have to put her in a nursing home. I found two that I really like and I’ve talked to the social workers who oversee them and they both get rave reviews. I just feel like…” She trailed off and I could tell she was trying not to cry. “I feel like I’m abandoning her.”

I put my arm around her shoulders and pulled her to me as she quietly sobbed.

“Amanda, you are the best daughter a mom could ask for. Abandoning her would be putting her in a home that you didn’t even research and then just leaving her there. I have a feeling the staff are going to know you better than half the residents because you’ll be in there so much. This is what your mom would want, too. She’d be so proud that you’re going to be starting your career soon.”

Amanda had graduated with her degree in social work and would be starting her internship with Social Services soon. She had toured homes for her mom a few years before and some of the horrific stuff she saw inspired her to be a crusader for the elderly.

She sniffed and nodded but didn’t respond. We sat like that for a few moments and then she gave me a hug before jumping down. I watched her walk into the house, but I wasn’t the only one. Matt’s eyes followed her as she moved and he got up and went in shortly after her.

“She okay?” Maddie appeared in the spot Amanda had just been in, a look of concern on her face.

I nodded. “Just the same war going on inside her head. She’s letting that guilt eat her alive when she has no reason to.”

Maddie let out a big sigh and moved so she was standing on the trampoline, bouncing slightly.

“Hopefully once her mom is actually in the nursing home and Amanda can see she isn’t miserable, it will help.”

“Let’s hope,” I agreed, standing so I was bouncing next to her.

We didn’t speak for a few minutes as we pushed as high into the sky as we could, over and over. I collapsed on my back breathless and started giggling.

“It always makes me feel like a kid when I’m on here.”

Maddie nodded next to me, a big grin on her face. “My mom’s never allowed to get rid of this thing.”

We lay quietly for a few moments before I sat up and looked around the yard. Josh had joined in the conversation with Sean, Linda, and Craig, but Amanda and Matt weren’t back outside. I turned to Maddie.

“I need to tell you something.”

She sat up slowly and a worried look appeared on her face. “Everything okay?”

I shrugged and nodded at the same time. “Yeah, it’s not anything like that, but I still need to tell you.”

She didn’t say anything and I took a deep breath before continuing.

“I’ve been sleeping with Sean.”

She didn’t respond, but her face didn’t contort with surprise like I expected it to. After a moment of silence she shrugged and gave me an expectant look.

“And?”

“And…” I sputtered for a moment. “And I didn’t tell you and I feel terrible about it. I never meant for it to happen, but it did…”

Maddie let out a laugh and pulled me into her for a hug. “I had a feeling, Sydney. I saw how close you two were at my mom’s wedding. When did it first happen?”

I groaned and fell back onto the trampoline. “Late February? Early March maybe. I ran into him while I was out one night and it all just led into it. It was easy because he was accessible and I knew I could trust him when you were going through all the crap you went through.”

“Is it still going on? I guess I mean… is it going to go further?”

I shook my head. “I need to end it. I think he feels that I’ll eventually want to take it further and I just don’t feel that way about him. I don’t think I can feel that way about him.”

Maddie nodded her head in understanding and my love for her surged through my chest. I could always count on her to understand and I could definitely count on her not to judge.

“One day you’re going to find someone, Syd, who just makes you want to give up all of that. And if Sean’s not that, then Sean’s not that. He knew going in what your expectations were and he’s a big boy.” She smiled and nudged me with her shoulder. “Although it would be cool if you were with him. I’m hoping that Amanda and Matt get their shit together because then you girls would legally be my sisters.”

“We’re as good as.” I said with a scoff.

Maddie laughed and slid off the trampoline. “I know, but I think it would be neat.” She reached out a hand and I took it, slithered off the trampoline too.

We walked back to the patio and Maddie moved to sit in Josh’s lap while I fell into an empty seat next to Linda. We sat around talking and Sean still continued to avoid looking at me, but I decided to let it go. A clean break, I reminded myself, it would be better in the long run.

Amanda eventually came back outside and I scrutinized her in the dark light. She was trying to tame her hair, pulling it into a pony tail, and her face was flushed. She caught me looking at her and a look of panic briefly crossed her face before she schooled her expression and took a chair next to Craig.

Craig was smiling at something Josh had said when suddenly Linda’s voice cut through.

“Okay kids. Have you decided when you’re going to get married?” The look of joy that was on Linda’s face was contagious and you couldn’t help but smile.

Josh and Maddie both grinned before Maddie turned back to her mom. “Well, it might be a little soon, but we were thinking September.”

My eyes went wide and Linda gasped. “That’s less than four months, Madelyn.”

Josh let out a laughed and tightened the arms that were already around Maddie. “She wants a wedding on the beach and I really don’t want to wait until next summer for it to be warm enough.”

Maddie nodded in agreement. “Besides, it doesn’t need to be a huge to do. I just want you all to be there and the ocean in the background.”

Craig gave Josh a pat on the bag and smiled. “That sounds great, you two. Will your parents come in from San Diego, Josh?”

“Yeah. I’ve already asked my little brother to be my best man.” He and Maddie shared a look that was so tender I averted my eyes.

“And I’ll be walking you down the aisle, right?” Matt’s voice came from behind me as he rejoined us on the patio and leaned against the house.

Maddie nodded and smiled at her big brother. “Of course, Matty. And then we’ll have Amanda, Sydney, Ben, and Sean all walking in some order.”

I chanced a glance to Sean when she mentioned his name and he was looking at his feet, disconnected from this conversation. A few minutes later he forced a smile and said goodbye to everyone, extending a last ‘Congrats’ to the three of us before walking out the door. Both Amanda and Maddie looked to me as Sean walked out the door, but I quickly fixed my gaze on the fire pit, not wanting to see the accusations in their eyes.

We left not too long after Sean and I sat in the backseat of the truck with Amanda in silence. It was close to midnight when we finally pulled into the parking lot of the apartment and after Amanda and I got out, Maddie and Josh mentioned that they were going to head back to his house. Josh had bought a house a few months back and they had been steadily spending more time there instead of at the apartment. I knew that by the end of the summer Maddie would probably be there full time, but we hadn’t talked about it and I wasn’t sure I was ready to yet.

Amanda was bursting to get Sean details from me the second we walked through the door and I told her the same details I had told Maddie a couple of hours before. Like Maddie, Amanda was very understanding and her advice was eerily similar.

“You were honest with him from the start, Syd. You can’t beat yourself up for it.” We sat next to each other on the couch and she laid her head on my shoulder.

“Easier said than done, Amanda.” I smiled at her and grabbed her hand. “What’s up with you and Matt?” She opened her mouth to reply and I interrupted her. “Please don’t tell me nothing, because anyone can see that it’s not ‘nothing’.”

Amanda’s heavy sighed sounded heartbreaking and it was a moment before she responded.

“It’s not nothing, but it’s not anything either. Matt and I are running on two different paths and I don’t think they’ll ever intersect, no matter how much we want them to.”

I didn’t know how to respond, so I didn’t. We sat in silence for a long time and eventually Amanda’s breathing told me she had fallen asleep. I shook her awake gently and made her go to bed before I went to my own room. I changed into my pajamas and was asleep before I hit the pillow.

–––

My phone vibrated loudly from my nightstand and I groaned, throwing my arm out in an attempt to knock it to the floor. It stopped ringing and I buried my head back into my pillows to go back to sleep. It rang several more times before I finally sat up, cursing whoever was on the phone, and picking it up off the floor. When I saw my mom’s name on the screen, I wanted to throw it up against the wall, but instead I answered it, trying to keep the annoyance out of my tone.

“Hello Mother.”

“Sydney, I expect you to answer without me having to call four times.”

“It’s hard to answer when I’m sleeping, Mother.”

She scoffed into the phone. “It’s mid-morning, you should have been up already.”

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep the sarcastic retort from making it passed my lips. “Did you need something?”

“Yes. Tomorrow morning I will have your father’s assistant send over all of the summer events we expect you to attend. Make sure you dress appropriately and try not to cut your hair anymore.”

I reached a hand up to smooth my hair and rolled my eyes. My hair was the longest it had been in years, falling just at the bottom of my ear lobes. I knew my mother wouldn’t be happy unless it could be wrapped into a tight bun like hers, although I was fairly certain that tight bun interfered with her blood flow in her brain.

“Okay mom.”

“Well, goodbye then.” She hung up without waiting for a response from me.

I grumbled and pulled myself out of bed. Glancing at the clock I cursed my mother when I realized it was only a little after eight. Mid-morning my ass.

I stumbled into the kitchen where coffee had already been made and was sitting on the warmer. Amanda had left a note letting me know she was going to be with her mom for the day. The big apartment, which we had shared for the past four years, felt very empty as I stood in the middle of the living room with my coffee mug. That lonely feeling started to creep back in and I fought to keep it tapped down.

A year ago, I could almost always count on one of my roommates to be home with the exception of Friday and Saturday nights. They worked as servers for a catering company and when they’d be working, I’d be out at the club. Otherwise, we had been basically inseparable and the past few months had been hard to adapt to. I had tried to prepare myself for it once I noticed Maddie and Josh getting close again, but no amount of pep talks could have me ready for this reality.

I picked up my phone and almost called Sean before I realized how incredibly selfish of me that was. I tossed it on the bed before I could do anything stupid and instead decided to pop in a DVD of the series
Friends
, knowing that it would cheer me up.

Chapter Six

Summer turned out to be difficult for me. By the time we were two weeks in, the solitude had me ready to crawl out of my skin. I started to wish I had signed up for summer classes at school just to give me something to do. I had taken to going to the club several times a week and faceless men had been temporary bandages to keep me sane.

I could tell the girls were starting to notice my state of perpetual moodiness and I knew I needed to do something about it quickly. I had put in an application to volunteer at the local hospital, deciding that working a desk there would keep me busy, but I was still waiting for my background check to clear before I could. My mom had been disgusted to learn I was going to be volunteering my time at a hospital, but my father had given me an approving nod, stating it would reflect well on the Lewis family image.

The first function I was required to attend was taking place over Memorial Day weekend and I was specifically instructed not to bring a date. I had gone shopping with Maddie and she helped me pick out a peach dress that was classy enough to be formal, but its knee length said summer was near. I had purchased a pair of silver sandals that only had a three inch heel, but they went with the dress perfectly.

I showered and dressed Saturday evening, grumbling into the mirror as I gave myself one last look before heading to my parents’ house. The dress was sleeveless, something I was sure would annoy my mother, so I grabbed the matching shawl just in case I needed to appease her.

I drove my BMW around the city until I came to the gated neighborhood I had grown up in. I followed the long driveway down until a large classic house came into view. The house was covered in stone veneer and fake off-white shutters framed all of the windows. The matching off-white pillars mocked me from the porch as I parked off to the side of the circular drive. My childhood home was bigger than necessary and I let out an exasperated sigh as I climbed the stairs to the front door. Carol, our long time housekeeper, answered the door and gave me a small side hug as I walked in. Carol had been more present in my life than my mother and she was a genuinely nice person.

“Ah, Ms. Sydney, you look gorgeous.” She gave me a once over. “Your mother is in the sitting room, I think they’re about ready to go.

“Thanks Carol,” I said as I walked towards where my mom would be. When I crossed the threshold to the formal living room my mom was looking out the window, a small glass containing an amber color liquid in her hand. She was wearing a black floor-length dress that contained more sequins than any dress should be allowed. Her hair was in the predictable bun and I briefly wondered when the last time I saw it down was.

“You’re late.” She snapped, not bothering to look at me.

I fell into one of the chairs sideways, letting my legs dangle over the side, and rolled my eyes at her back. “By like two minutes. Where’s dad?”

“Right here,” My dad’s voice came from behind me and I turned my head to look at him. He was wearing his best tux with a black bow tie and even with his balding head he looked handsome.

I didn’t get up, but gave him a little smile. “Hi daddy.”

“Hello darling.” He didn’t smile back, but for an instant it almost looked like he wanted to.

Mom turned around and scowled at how I was sitting in the chair, but before she could say anything the doorbell chimed.  “Oh, that will be your escort.”

I sat up quickly and narrowed my eyes at her. “You said not to bring a date.”

“That’s right, because I already had someone to take you.”

I stood and gave my dad a panicked look, but he was suddenly very interested in his cufflinks.

Carol appeared in the living room with a man in a tux following behind her. He was at least fifteen years my senior and the black hair that laid flat on his head was sprinkled with a little salt and pepper color. A few buttons on his dress shirt strained against the paunch on his stomach and I figured he was probably the same height as Maddie, who stood right around 5’7. He smiled at me and adjusted his glasses before running his dark eyes down my body greedily, apparently liking what he saw because he wet his lips before running his fingers across his black mustache. Suddenly, I felt naked in my dress, and I wished that I had picked something different that had required a bra.

Carol let a look of irritation flit across her face before she adjusted her expression. “Mr. Kerry Morgan has arrived, Mrs. Lewis.”

My mom rushed forward and he engulfed his hand in hers before bringing it to his mouth to kiss gently. “Kerry, how nice to see you again.”

“Diane, you look ravishing in that dress.” He turned and moved towards my dad, offering a hand to him. “Harold.”

My dad shook it, his facial expression not changing. “Kerry.”

My mom gestured towards me, a completely fake smile on her face. “Kerry, this is our daughter Sydney. Sydney, this is Kerry Morgan. He’s going to be escorting you to the fundraiser tonight.”

I didn’t smile and had to avoid cringing as he took my hand in his, bringing it to his mouth just like he did my mother’s, only this time he let his lips linger longer than necessary.

I subtly pulled my hand away and gave him a forced smile. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Morgan.”

He waved a dismissive hand. “Oh, please call me Kerry. You look stunning in that dress, Sydney.”

I didn’t thank him, but instead glanced at my father who was gripping the back of chair so tightly his knuckles were white.

“Well, shall we?” My mom picked up her evening bag and gestured to the front door.

I grabbed my shawl and wristlet before following my dad out of the room. I passed Carol as we walked out the door and she gave me a sad look before resting her hand on my shoulder briefly.

We piled into the waiting limo and I slid in next to my mom quickly, forcing Kerry to sit with my father. I let the three of them engage in conversation as we moved towards our destination. Once we arrived, we waited in the line to be dropped off as silence stretched through the limo.

“What event is this, dad?” I asked, breaking the quiet atmosphere and looking at my father.

“It’s a fundraiser for the Sacramento Fire Department and Police Department. There’s going to be a silent auction and a few other events. Feel free to bid on what you want and I’ll pay it at the end of the night. Let’s keep it under $100,000 okay?”

I didn’t respond and fixed my stare to look out the window. Money is what it always came down to and I absolutely hated that.

When it was finally our turn to get out, my dad exited first and offered his hand to my mom. Kerry gave me a slimy smile as he stepped out of the car and I had to force myself to take his outstretched hand.

As we walked in, my arm lightly through his, I kept my eyes down and wondered how long I’d be forced to stay at this event. It wasn’t the first time older men have been thrown at me, courtesy of my mother, but it was the first time she had forced me to actually leave the house with one. We followed my parents up the stairs and stepped into the building. It was packed inside, men in tuxes and women in beautiful dresses danced around to a live orchestra, while others sat at tables and conversed. We followed my parents to our assigned table and Kerry brought his free hand up to cover mine that was gingerly holding onto his bicep.

“Your mom didn’t do your beauty justice, Sydney.” Kerry turned his head and spoke quietly. “Your bare legs are almost enough to make any man come undone.”

I didn’t respond and fought to keep the repulsed look off my face. When we got to our table, Kerry held out the chair so I could sit and took his place next to me. I grabbed a glass of champagne when it was offered to me and I held up a finger to the server before he could walk away. I downed the contents as quick as possible and exchanged it for another full one. My mom shot me a disapproving look and I let the server walk away when I had my second glass in my hand.

I sat through some boring conversation for some time when I felt Kerry’s hand rest on my knee under the table. I didn’t flinch, but I tipped the rest of my champagne back and pushed away from the table.

“Please excuse me. I’m going to go freshen up.”

I didn’t wait for a response and I walked away from the table quickly. I didn’t head towards the restrooms though, and instead I walked over to where the silent auctions were laid out on the tables.  I walked down the rows, reading each one as I passed, and stopping to write my bid on a few items. I had just put my name down on an Alaskan cruise when I heard a low voice speak at my ear.

“A cruise, huh? I can see that being your scene.”

I snapped my head back and looked up to see David’s deep blue eyes looking into my own. I didn’t respond right away, but instead admired him in his black tuxedo. It fit him like a glove and his silver vest and bow tie completed the outfit perfectly. I smiled when I saw his hair was still just as unmanaged as usual.

“Hi David.”

“Tink. I didn’t think I’d run into you here.” He inspected my dress before smiling down at me. The feeling of his slow perusal had the complete opposite effect as Kerry’s. Instead of feeling disgusted I felt beautiful. “You look fantastic.”

“Thanks, so do you.” I glanced back to my table where my father was sitting with my mother, and the escort that had been forced on me was missing. “Hazard of being my parent’s child means I get to attend a lot of these things.”

“Ah, I feel sorry for you then. I only have to go to this one every year and I dread it.” We walked away from the auction tables slowly and I suddenly moved in front of his path, holding my hand up to stop him.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made assumptions before, and because I did, I’ve been a huge bitch to you for the past nine months. You didn’t deserve that.” I spoke quietly, holding his stare and hoping he realized how genuine I was.

David seemed to consider it for a moment before one side of his mouth tipped up slightly.

“Thanks, I appreciate the apology. I understand why you assumed what you did, though. A lot of pricks out there will say what they want to get into a girl’s bed.”

I nodded, letting my hand fall and I fought to keep both of them at my side. I wanted so bad to reach out and touch him, to smell him, to just feel his jacket, but I didn’t.

“So do you think…” I didn’t get a chance to finish my sentence as a platinum blonde wearing a stunning red dress walked up and placed her hand on his arm.

“David? I think they’re getting ready to serve dinner.” She glanced back to me, and brought a smile to her lips. “Sydney Lewis?”

I just stared at her for a moment before I realized who she was, and suddenly I wanted to just scream. “Ashley Austin. It’s been a long time.”

David looked confused for a moment as he glanced between us. “You two know each other?”

Ashley hooked her arm through his and her grin widened. “Oh yeah. How long has it been, Sydney? Freshman year of high school?”

I grit my teeth because she knew exactly how long it had been. The last time we had seen each other was when she was laughing at me in the hallway of ninth grade. She had gone through and written ‘For a good ride, call Sydney Lewis’ along with my phone number everywhere. It had been found on lockers, bathroom walls, bleachers, cafeteria tables, and even classroom desks. I had to change my phone number after that and it had taken a year for guys to stop confronting me in the hallway to ask if I’d give them a ‘ride’.

“Something like that.” I took a step back to escape. “It was good seeing you, David, Ashley, but I need to get back to my table.”

I felt a hand rest at my lower back and I closed my eyes in frustration briefly before opening them and seeing David’s confused look.

“Sydney, we’ve been looking for you. Your parents told me to come find you so we can eat.” Kerry’s hand moved to my hip and he gently pulled me close to him.

David’s face turned into a scowl, but Ashley’s looked as if she had won the lottery. “Oh it was good seeing you again, Sydney. I’m so glad to see that you haven’t changed much since high school.”

She tugged on David’s arm and he took a few steps backwards before finally turning in the direction Ashley was leading him. He cast one more glance over his shoulder before I turned to head back to my table.

I tried to shrug out of his hold, but Kerry kept a firm grip on my dress, only releasing me when we made it back to the table. My dad’s eyes took in the hand at my hip and he turned away quickly, as if avoiding it would make it not so.

I spent dinner scooting my chair closer to my mother’s and constantly trying to get Kerry’s hand off my knee. By the time dinner was over I was ready to go home.

After the plates had been cleared, the orchestra started up the music again and my mom and dad moved to the dance floor. I was content in my chair, continually dismissing Kerry’s requests to dance, but finally gave in when I caught a seething look from my mother. It was a quick tune and I let him twirl me a few times. I was able to dance with him without getting too close for a few songs. When the song changed to something slower, he curled an arm around me and pulled me close.

“You know, Sydney, I am a very wealthy man.” He leaned in closer as if it was a secret and I pulled back slightly when the smell of his cigar tinged breath washed over me.

“I don’t care about money, Mr. Morgan.” I let him lead and I just gazed over his shoulder at the other dancing couples.

“Your mom tells me that you aren’t currently attached and I think that maybe you and I should have a go. I think you’d find several things to your liking.” He tugged me flush against him as if to emphasize his point.

I wrinkled my nose in disgust. “No, thank you.” I pulled myself out of his grip and took a step back. “That’s definitely not going to happen.”

I left him on the dance floor and stalked to the restroom angrily. I had had enough- I just needed to catch my father to tell him ‘goodbye’ and I was out of there.