Scars of the Present (9 page)

Chapter Twelve

It wasn’t until the following Friday that the subject of Claire came up again. I had only seen David one other time since our Friday night date, his schedule not allowing much time for us to be alone. David made sure I never had a chance to get lonely though, and between working my six hour shifts at the hospital, his random text messages, and the few times I was able to be with my roommates, I felt the least lonely I had in as long as I could remember.

It was six in the morning as I lay in bed watching David readjust his holster and badge as he finished getting dressed. Once he was done, he caught my eye and smiled before sitting next to me.

“Tomorrow night. Want to come to dinner at my place?”

I didn’t even know where David lived and so the invitation was kind of shocking. “Your place?”

His smile didn’t falter, and he reached over to smooth my hair. “My place. With me and Claire.”

We’d only be seeing each other for a little over a month and it was the longest time I’d ever gone with one person. Even when I was sleeping with Sean, I hadn’t stopped my promiscuous ways. With David it was effortless and the thought of even looking at someone else made my stomach hurt. But meeting Claire was taking our casual thing and pushing it into serious, and the notion made me really nervous.

“Are you sure?” I sat up, swinging my legs so that I was sitting in his lap. “I don’t want you to regret it later.”

“I’m sure. I don’t plan on letting you go anywhere.” He ran his lips up my bare neck and I moaned, pulling myself closer to him. Our mouths met and we locked into a passionate kiss for a moment before he pulled back and shook his head.

“You make leaving much harder than it needs to be.” He wrapped his arms around me, moving us so I was lying back down before he gave me one last kiss and stood up.

“Tomorrow, four o’clock. I’ll text you directions to my place, okay?”

I settled back against my pillows and sighed. “Tomorrow. Four o’clock.”

He gave me one last smile and walked out my bedroom door, and I rolled over to go back to sleep.

I drove my car across the city, following the directions on my GPS to David’s house. The thought of spending time with his six-year-old daughter had my stomach in knots, and I had changed my mind about actually coming several times since he had brought it up. I had also changed my outfit about seven times, finally settling on some basic black shorts and a navy blue top, paired with a pair of black flats.

I
pulled put along the curb of a modern two-story brick home. There was a swing on the front porch and the front yard was perfectly manicured. It looked like a home you’d see on TV, and I wiped my sweaty palms on my shorts before I stepped out of the car.

I walked up the three stairs to the porch and knocked lightly before taking a step back. The door swung open moments later and David stood there with a smile on his face. I grinned when I saw he was wearing the same 49ers shirt he had been the first night we met.

“Hey Tink. You look gorgeous.” His eyes roamed up my body and I smirked when they landed back on my face.

“Is this appropriate ‘dinner at the house’ wear?” I asked as he stepped back to allow me into the house.

He shut the door with a nod. “Yeah, it’s perfect. Well, beside the fact that without your crazy shoes you aren’t that much taller than Claire.”

He laughed and dodged my hand as I attempted to lightly slap his chest.

“So, where’s Claire?” I glanced around and realized how quiet the house was. The living room was cozy with a tan couch in front of a large TV, and if I hadn’t known any better, I wouldn’t think a child lived here. It was too clean.

David followed my gaze to the living room. “Oh, I haven’t picked her up yet. Alicia called and asked if I could get her at five instead of three. Do you want to come? You can stay here if you want, but Alicia would love to meet you.” He paused, probably trying to asses my level of freak-out.

I didn’t say anything for a moment, and I let my eyes trace the gold letters on his shirt for a moment. I had taken the time to prepare myself for meeting his daughter, not so much the ex.

Finally, after a few quiet moments, I nodded. “Yeah, I’ll go.”

David grinned and grabbed my hand. “We have about thirty minutes before we have to go. How about I show you around the house?”

He led me into the dining room and kitchen, both of which were spotless. The kitchen was cozy but it screamed ‘home’. He led me up a set of stairs and pictures of Claire thought the years lined the walls. She had a lot of her father’s looks, and I couldn’t help but grin as I stared at them.

“That’s Claire’s room,” he said as he gestured to a closed door at the end of the hall. “I’ll let her show it to you, she’ll be mad if I do.”

He showed me a room that he called an office, but it looked more like a man cave with some weights and a TV in it. A guest room sat next to that one and down the hall on its own was the master room. It was just as neat and tidy as the rest of the house, and even the comfortable king-sized bed was made.

“You have a really nice house, Ralph,” I said as I moved and sat on the edge of his bed.

David took a step towards me and smiled. “Thanks, Syd. Although, my bed has never looked as appealing as it does now.” He sat next to me and I immediately draped myself over his lap, locking our lips quickly. The connection between us still felt almost overwhelming, and the second we touched I could feel goosebumps spread across my body.

David’s head moved up to my back, slipping under my shirt so his warm fingers were against my skin, and his phone sounded from his pocket. He groaned as he moved back, pulling it out of his pocket to look at the caller ID.

“Hello?” He said, putting it to his ear. He looked at me with a smile on his face as he listened to the voice on the line. “Okay, tell her I’m on my way. See you in a minute.”

He pushed the phone back into his pocket and kissed my nose. “Claire is ready to come home. Don’t think this is done, Sydney, because it’s far from done.”

I climbed out of his lap and let a satisfied grin stretch across my face as I watched him adjust his pants. He took my hand and I followed him out to the garage to where his car was. We both climbed in and the ride was quiet as he maneuvered us through the streets.

When we pulled up in front of a little house in the suburbs of the city, my heart was beating nervously, but David turned the car off and looked at me. “Coming in?”

I nodded my head, unbuckling my seatbelt before pushing open my door. He came around the side of the car and laced our fingers together before leading me up the path. David didn’t get a chance to knock before the door was pulled open and Claire stood in front of us with a huge smile on her face.

“Daddy!” David dropped my hand in time to catch her as she flung herself into his arms.

He held her tight and laughed. “Hey kiddo. Did you have fun with mommy?”

Claire nodded her head and her shiny brown ponytail bounced behind her. “We went to the zoo and the park. It was awesome.”

A female’s laugh sounded from the doorway, and I turned my head to see a woman standing there with a smile on her face. She was probably four inches taller than me and her brown hair was just a little darker than Claire and David’s. She wore a friendly smile as she extended her hand out to me.

“Hi, I’m Alicia. You must be Sydney.”

I took her hand, my face upturned in surprise. “Yeah, hi. It’s nice to meet you.”

She gestured to us to step inside and we followed her into the small living room.

“Sorry about the mess. Whenever I’m home I have Sydney and it feels like cleaning with her around is pointless.”

The room wasn’t a mess, but it was lived in. Little girl toys were placed in random places and I smiled. “No, it’s great.”

David put Claire down and dropped so he was crouched next to her. “Claire, do you remember my friend Sydney? You met her when we went to that party with Aunt Sarah.”

Claire looked at me for a moment and nodded, a small smile forming on her lips. “You were wearing a pretty purple dress and you said my dress was pretty, too.”

“That’s right, I’m so glad you remember.” I smiled back at her.

David stood, taking a backpack from Alicia. “Where’s Trevor?”

“At the grocery store.” Alicia turned to me. “Trevor is my husband. He’s a pilot and I am usually a member of his crew so we travel together.”

“That must be really neat,” I said sincerely. “Getting to see the world like that.”

Alicia nodded, but when she glanced at Claire I could see the remorse there. “It’s definitely got its downsides though.”

After a few minutes of visiting, we said goodbye to Alicia and went back to David’s car. He help Claire buckle herself in and then we pulled away from the curb. Claire sat happily in the back, flipping through a book as she hummed quietly.

“Alicia’s nice,” I mused. “I like how well you guys get along.”

He nodded from the driver’s seat. “It took us quite a few years to get here, but I’m happy for Claire’s sake that we can be friends.”

About ten minutes later, my car same into sight as we made it back to David’s house and pulled into the garage. He opened the door to pull Claire out, and I joined them once I was out of the car, too. Claire slid her hand through her dad’s and didn’t hesitate to do the same with mine. We moved through the door and walked into the sparkling clean kitchen. David turned to me and smiled.

“I was going to make grilled chicken, if that’s okay.”

“Sure, that sounds great.” I smiled at him and fought the urge I had to throw arms around his neck and ravage his mouth again. He gave me lopsided grin that said he knew exactly what I was thinking.

“Can I show Sydney my room, Daddy?” Claire said, tugging on my hand.

“If Sydney wants to, then yes.” David turned to the sink to wash his hands. “You girls have fun.”

Claire never let go of my hand as she dragged me through the too-clean house. We went up the stairs and she led me into a room that made me feel more at home. Claire’s room resembled Alicia’s house, with toys strewn around it and I smiled. Claire directed me to sit on the canopy bed and she showed me random things in her room.

“And this lego set took my daddy over an hour to put together.” She held up a lego house and smiled proudly. “I helped though.”

After about fifteen minutes she grabbed my hand and led me down the stairs and into the backyard. There she had a play structure that put all swing sets to shame. It was built out of wood and made to resemble a castle. A slide extended from one side of the castle, and a wooden beam with two swings attached on the other side. She and I climbed to the top of the castle and we spent thirty minutes playing ‘Princesses’ at the top.

David had come out about fifteen minutes into our game to start up the grill, and he stood on the wooden deck with a smile as he watched us.

“Okay, your highnesses. Dinner is ready,” he called from where he’d set everything out on the patio table.

I moved to go down the ladder and Claire shook her head. “No, Sydney, go down the slide!”

“Yeah, Sydney, go down the slide.” David grinned with his hands on his hips.

I rolled my eyes at him and gave myself a pat on the back for wearing shorts as I launched myself down the six foot slide. It was slipperier than I had anticipated, and I ended up skidding into the grass.

David burst out laughing and walked over to where I was, offering me a hand. I took it and stood, wiping the back of my shorts off the best I could. Claire shot down next, and we sat down to eat dinner.

Claire kept the dinner conversation going, chatting about everything she had done at her mother’s house. Her facial expressions were fascinating to watch and some of them reminded me a lot of David.

After she finished eating, she darted back to her castle and David and I watched from our seats.

“She’s pretty great, David.” I turned to look at him and saw he was staring at me.

“Yeah, I can’t imagine my life without her.” He paused and reached over to grab my hand. “You were fantastic with her tonight.”

We didn’t speak for a while, but just watched his daughter play in the backyard.

Chapter Thirteen

We stayed outside for about an hour, just chatting and watching Claire play. When moved back into the house, she convinced her dad to turn on ‘Tangled’ and we sat in his living room watching it together. Claire sat between us on the couch, and before the movie was over she was asleep with her head in my lap.

David carried her upstairs to her room, and I stood in the doorway, watching him tuck her into her bed. He crept out of her room, pulling the door shut behind him, and led me to his room down the hall. David closed the door behind us and pulled me into his arms.

“Does it bother you?” I asked him, my voice muffled by his shirt.

“Does what bother me?”

I pulled back and looked up at him. “How messy I am? Your house feels almost sterile.”

He chuckled and pulled me down to his bed so we were on our sides facing each other. “Nope, not at all. I, um, have a housekeeper who comes by once a week, and she’s the only reason it’s so clean. The only room she doesn’t do is Claire’s.”

“Ah, your perfection barrier shimmers a little. I’m glad that you’re a mere mortal like the rest of us.” I grinned at him, running my finger along the sexy scruff on his chin.

“I’m far from perfect, Tink.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine gently. The gentle kiss eventually turned into a steamy make-out session, and I pulled back once I was pinned under him on the bed. I stared up at him, my breathing heavy, and I smiled.

“I should go,” I said without any real conviction.

“It’s barely past nine o’clock.” David ran his nose up my throat.

I closed my eyes and turned my head to give him better access. “I know, but I need to go.”

“I don’t want you to,” he murmured as he ran his teeth along my earlobe.

“I know, but your daughter is in the next room, and…” I trailed off when I felt his hand traveling up the leg of my shorts.

“My daughter is a really heavy sleeper, and I didn’t get to see you enough this week.” David’s hand brushed over my underwear and a moan escaped my lips.

My feeble attempts at protesting were useless as I let my legs drop apart as David dipped his hand under my panties and met my bare skin. I gasped when I felt his finger push inside of me and I dug my nails into his shoulders. He hovered above me, his hand pumping inside of me slowly, and a smug grin on his face.

“I love all of your facial expressions, but I think this one is one of my favorites.” His thumb moved against me and I let out a moan as I moved my hands to tangle in his hair. I pulled his mouth to mine and he swallowed my cries of pleasure as my body trembled beneath him. He pulled his hand away from me and thirty minutes later we were laying cross-ways on his bed, our clothes thrown about the room.

We stayed wrapped in each other for a few moments and I had to fight to keep my eyes open.

“Can you imagine life like this, Sydney?” David asked quietly from behind me. “I’m not asking if you’re ready for something like this, but just if you could even imagine it sometime in the future.”

“Sometimes I can,” I whispered, not wanting to have a conversation like this. “But most of the time, no.”

David let out a breath he must have been holding, and could tell without looking at him that he was disappointed in my answer. I rolled so I was facing him and saw the sadness on his face before he managed to tuck it away.

“I don’t envision myself a mother, David, and I know that sounds shitty, but it’s true. I don’t think I could be what she needs. Probably not even what you need.”

He didn’t respond as he stared back at me, and I swallowed around the lump that had formed in my throat.

“Is that a deal breaker?” My voice was barely audible and I was scared to hear the answer.

David still didn’t answer, but instead just pulled me to him and held me there for a little while in silence.

After about fifteen minutes, I pulled away from him slowly and placed a kiss on his mouth before I stood up and started to get dressed.

“I’m going to go.”

He didn’t speak, but just sat on the bed watching me with sad eyes. After I slipped my shoes on my feet, David stood up, pulling on a pair of sweats, and followed me out of the room.

I walked out the front door in silence, and before I could take a step David had his hand around my wrist, pulling me back up against him. His arms wrapped around me so tight, it almost felt like I was in a vice, and I returned the embrace.

“Just tell me there’s a chance, Sydney.” His face was buried in my hair. “Just a chance that you might want to be a permanent part of my and Claire’s life one day.”

“I want more than anything to be a part of your lives, David. More than you know. I just don’t think I’d be what you both deserve.” The lump in my throat was bigger now and I hid my face into his bare chest, determined not to cry.

“I wish you could see you like I see you, Sydney. Like the world sees you.” He pulled back and looked down at me. “I just want to know there’s a chance. Because if there is, I will do what I can to make you see what you really deserve.”

I shook my head as I averted my eyes so I was staring at the ground, and I couldn’t stop the tear that escaped out of the corner of my eye. “I think we’re getting too attached, David.”

David’s eyebrows pulled together and he shook his head quickly. “That’s bullshit, Syd. You’re afraid to even try, and that makes me feel lousy. You won’t even take a risk for me.”

“Stop. Don’t downplay how I feel about you, David.” I put my hands on my hips and glared at him. “And don’t tell me how I feel. You have no idea.”

“You’re right,” he said as he reached out to wipe the tears that were falling down my cheeks. “I don’t know how you feel because you won’t tell me. But, Syd, I lo…”

I hurriedly put my hand over his mouth and shook my head frantically. “Please don’t. Please don’t, David. You can’t.”

Anger flared across his face and he took a step back. “I do and I am completely sure of how I feel. I am willing to give you time, Sydney, because I think you feel the same way about me. I can be patient, but only if you don’t walk away from us.”

Pain seared across my chest as I realized what I had to do. It had to be a clean break, just like with Sean. I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around his shoulders as I pushed my face into his bare chest.

“No, Syd,” David said, the pain obvious in his voice.

I pushed up on my toes and kissed his lips softly and stepped out of his embrace. I brought my hand up to wipe the tears that were falling rapidly and I gave him a sad smile.

“I am so sorry, David.” I stepped backwards and attempted to keep a sob from escaping my body. “I really am.” And with that, I turned and fled to my car, refusing to look at him as I quickly pulled away.

–––

I woke up to a warm body in my bed, but without opening my eyes I knew it was Amanda or Maddie. I cracked open an eyelid and Amanda was smiling at me.

“Morning sunshine.”

“Go away,” I croaked, my throat feeling hoarse. For the first time in a long time, I had sobbed myself to sleep and I was paying for that this morning.

“You look like shit, Sydney.”

I sat up and rubbed my swollen eyes. “I feel like shit.”

“What happened last night?”

I sighed. “What makes you think something happened last night?”

Amanda rolled her eyes, handing me her full coffee mug. I immediately brought it to my lips and began to drain it. “Oh, just the fact that David called Maddie at dawn this morning and asked her to check on you. She was immediately worried and called me since I was here. So, I am now checking on you at the request of David.”

“We broke up. I can’t do it, Amanda.” I looked at her, shaking my head and putting her, now empty, coffee mug on my nightstand. “He wants someone who’s going to be a good wife and mother. He deserves someone like that. Someone nurturing, someone loving, and someone who can complete, even expand, his family. I’m not any of those things.”

“Who the hell are you? Because the Sydney I’ve known for the past ten years has always been confident.” Amanda’s hazel eyes narrowed at me, and if looks could kill I would have already been dead and buried. “I will not sit here and listen to you feel sorry for yourself. If you want to be in a relationship, be a wife, be a mom, hell- if you want to be a damn nun- you can be.”

She stood up and placed her hands on her hips. “I get it, your childhood sucked. Your parents still basically suck. But your life does not suck, Sydney. If you lose David, it’s your own damn fault. I love you, but that’s the truth.”

Amanda stood and walked out of the room, leaving me with my mouth hanging open.

I just sat there for a for almost an hour trying to process everything Amanda had said, and I realized she was right. I could at least try. That was all David had asked for, right?

I hopped up and showered as fast as I could. When I got out, I hurried to brush my teeth, dry my hair, and threw enough make up on so I didn’t look like a zombie. I grabbed a dress out of my closet, stepped into some sandals, grabbed my phone, and stuffed it in my purse as I ran out my bedroom door.

I didn’t stop as I moved to the front door, but I heard Amanda from behind me. “Good decision, Syd.”

I ran down the stairs so fast that I would have broken my neck if I wasn’t holding onto the rail.

I broke several speed limits driving across the city, and when I pulled into David’s driveway I threw the car in park and jumped out. Running up the porch stairs, I knocked on the door several times and waited impatiently.

The door pulled open, and my smile faltered when Sarah answered. “Oh, hi Sarah. Is David home?”

Her eyebrows pinched together and she shook her head. “Hey Sydney. He’s on call and got called in about an hour ago.”

Someone pushed by Sarah and suddenly Claire had thrown herself into my arms.

“Sydney!”

I hugged her tightly and laughed. “Hey Claire.”

She pulled back and settled her gaze on my face. “Did you come by to play again?”

“Not right now, sweetheart, but soon, okay?” I ruffled her hair and she gave me a smile.

I straightened myself up and gave a strained smile to Sarah. “Can you let him know I came by, please?”

“Yeah, of course. Everything okay?” Her therapist eyes analyzed me, and I wonder if she was ever able to turn that off.

“Hopefully it will be.” I leaned down and kissed Claire’s head before walking back to my car.

I pulled my phone out and debated whether or not I wanted to call him, but instead I just sent him a quick text.

Me: I’m sorry, I panicked. Call me, okay?

I pulled out of his driveway and drove back towards the apartment, hoping like hell I didn’t blow it last night.

–––

I knew that he was probably irritated with me, but mostly I had expected that David would call back, we’d hug, we’d kiss, and we’d get back to normal. But Sunday night I went to bed without hearing back from him at all.

Monday was a long day, and probably the first day I didn’t enjoy being at the hospital. I went through the motions, never really processing what I was doing.

By Tuesday night I had decided that I’d officially ruined it, and that thought was very depressing. It had only been 72 hours since the last time I talked to him, but it felt like an eternity. We hadn’t gone this long without any communication since we’d reconnected at the fundraiser. I had sent a couple of more texts and tried calling him a handful of times, but each one went unanswered.

I tried to conceal my misery from my best friends, which wasn’t too hard because they were both gone all day Monday and Tuesday. I was sitting in bed late Tuesday evening, watching a movie on my laptop, when Emily sent me a text asking if I wanted to go out.

I had already typed out my new common message of ‘Thanks, but not tonight’ when I changed my mind. I told Emily I’d meet her and Becca downtown, and I took a shower.

After I was ready, wearing a short skirt, low cut tank top, and killer pumps, I called a cab to come pick me up from the apartment. It was nearing midnight when I walked quietly out the door, not wanting to draw attention to myself if Amanda or Maddie were there. The cab was waiting when I got downstairs, and I gave him directions of where to go.

When I made it downtown, I had the cab drop me off in front of a club called ‘Legend’. This was one of the places to go if you wanted to run with a scene that wasn’t strictly college kids. The music was mainly from the 80s and 90s, and it was one of the only clubs actually open during the week.

There wasn’t a line to get in, so the three of us flashed our IDs and made our way inside. I immediately went to the bar and ordered two rounds of shots. A guy who looked to be in his early 30s made his way to us and he bought us three more rounds. As I slammed down my fifth shot of vodka, a smile hit my lips as the alcohol induced haze started to settle in my brain. It had been a long time since I drank so much, and I had forgotten how much I missed it.

I wasn’t sure how much time had passed as I danced with different guys, and I had lost count of how much I’d had to drink, but a familiar face stood in front of me.

“Sean!” I yelled, wrapping my arms around his neck. “There you are!”

He hugged me back before pulling away a fraction. His lips were upturned into a strained smile that was obvious even though he was slightly blurry. “Had a bit to drink there, Syd?”

I laughed and shook my head. “Not that much.” Sean danced with me for a few songs when I pulled his face down to mine and gave him a sultry smile. “Let’s go back to your place, Sean.”

A frown replaced his fake smile and he shook his head. “Let me take you home, Sydney.”

I raised my eyebrows and grinned. “So you can have your way with me?”

His hand closed gently around my bicep and he started to lead me out. “No Syd, so you can sleep it off.”

I shook myself from his grip and glared at him. “I don’t want to sleep it off. You can go sleep it off, I’m going to dance and then find a nice, hot guy to take me home tonight.” I walked back to where a group of people were dancing and joined in.

More shots of vodka and sometime later, someone was behind me with their hands on my hips, and my coherence level was pretty low. I felt the guy pull me to him so my back was melded to his front, and he hooked one his thumbs into the waistline of my skirt. His lips went to my neck, and I leaned my head back against his shoulder to let him explore the bare skin between my shirt and my chin.

I closed my eyes and just moved to the music, but I could hear a small voice in the back of my head telling me that this wouldn’t make me feel better. I ignored it and pretended like this faceless guy could make me forget. I moaned as the man got braver and slid his hand down my stomach until it was under the front of my skirt. I squirmed as he inched down so he was under the elastic of my underwear and he sunk his teeth into my bare shoulder.

Suddenly his hand was gone and he was no longer behind me. I stumbled without someone to lean into and if I hadn’t been so drunk I probably could have caught myself. Before I could fall, strong arms hooked under my knees and I was lifted to a hard chest. I snuggled into their shoulder and fantasized for a moment that he smelled like mint and soap.