Scars of the Future (7 page)

“Hi Karen, hi Amanda.”

I smiled at the silver haired woman, her kind eyes sparkling behind her yellow rimmed eyeglasses. “Hey Mrs. Jensen. How are you today?”

“I’d be better if they would let us have HBO in this place. I have to wait until my grandson brings his iPad to watch my
Game of Thrones
.” Her sass always amazed me. Agatha Jensen had to be nearing ninety-years-old but she put out more attitude than Sydney. Her love for violent shows was well known around the home and every week she had a new recap for me. She and my mom had also befriended each other quickly and I was grateful for that.

She put the remote control down and let out a sigh before widening her smile. “Stand up and let me see that belly, Amanda. How many weeks are we now?”

I did as she asked and stood to pull the back of my t-shirt so it accentuated my stomach. My belly had definitely rounded out but unless my shirt was tight and you were looking for it, you wouldn’t notice.

“Sixteen weeks yesterday,” I said as grinned at them both.

Mrs. Jensen and Mom both smiled before I sat back down and Mrs. Jensen leaned over to pat the top of my hand.

“You’re such a pretty thing. I can’t wait to see you when you’re all belly. She looks like she needs some more sleep, Karen.”

Mom nodded in agreement. “I tell her that every visit. She is looking too skinny, too.”

I playfully rolled my eyes as the two women ‘mothered’ me for a little while longer, and then I kissed my mom’s cheek before I left.

I went home and took a long shower, washing the sweat and dirt off of me from sitting in the garden. It was only three o’clock, but my body was so tired that you would have thought it was midnight. I left the bathroom in my robe and immediately fell into my bed, not bothering to get dressed as I closed my eyes.

I woke up to my phone ringing sometime later and I grabbed it tiredly, swiping it as I brought it to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” Maddie said from the other side of the line. “Were you sleeping?”

I rubbed my eyes and looked over at the clock. It was after five, which meant that my tiny nap had turned into over two hours.

“It’s okay. I needed to get up anyway.”

“Do you have time to run that old ice cream maker back to my mom’s house? I think it’s in the pantry.”

I pulled myself out of bed and padded down the hallway to the kitchen with the phone at my ear. Looking in the pantry, I saw the ice cream machine that we had made ice cream with for Sydney’s birthday a few months before.

“I can do that. Not like I had a busy evening planned anyway.”

Maddie sighed in relief. “Thank you. She’s been asking for it all week and I keep forgetting. Apparently she needs it tonight and I’m behind on things that need to be done for next week. I can come and get it to run it over if you can’t, though.”

“Nah, it’s okay,” I said as I went back to the bedroom to start getting dressed. “I’ll drop it off in about thirty minutes.”

“You are the best. Thanks Manda.”

I ended the call with Maddie and attempted to tame my hair that had dried during my nap. I pulled it back into a ponytail, put on a little make-up to hide the proof of my exhaustion, threw on a sleeveless blue summer dress, stepped into some sandals, and walked out the door with the ice cream maker under my arm.

I parked at the curb in front of Linda’s house and walked up to the door, knocking softly when I got there. Craig opened it with a smile and he pulled me in for a hug.

“Hey doll,” he said as he closed the door behind me. “I didn’t realize you were coming today, but I’m glad you’re here.”

I held up the ice cream machine. “Maddie called and said your wife needed this.”

Craig nodded, taking it from my arms and gesturing for me to head deeper into the house.

“Linda wants to make some ice cream for Kristen’s birthday tonight.”

My steps faltered at his words and I suddenly wished I’d made Maddie come and to get the stupid machine. Seeing Matt and Kristen together was always a very brutal form of torture, especially because they couldn’t seem to keep their hands off each other. I tried to formulate an escape plan as I trudged down the hall. Linda walked out of the kitchen and gave me a tight hug.

“Matt and Kristen are in the family room and dinner is almost ready. I’ll have Craig set another place.”

I shook my head and forced a smile to my face. “I need to get home. I just wanted to bring that by.”

“Nonsense. You need to eat and I know you’re not cooking with it just being you in that apartment. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes.” Linda’s tone of voice told me the discussion was closed as she went back into the kitchen. Even though she wasn’t my mother she still had that motherly power over me.

I slowly shuffled back into the family room and managed to interrupt Matt and Kristen in a passionate lip-lock. They were sitting on the loveseat and Kristen was molded to his side. One of Matt’s arms was wrapped around her back while his other hand held her face to his. My breath caught in my throat and I attempted to back out, but Craig came in at that moment.

“Okay, I’ve got the place set for you, Amanda. What do you want to drink?”

Matt and Kristen broke away quickly with surprise as Craig’s words boomed through the family room. Kristen gave me a small smile as a blush crept onto her cheeks, but Matt looked irritated at my presence.

“Water, please.” I replied to Craig as I moved into the family room to sit in the armchair. “Um, hi guys. I brought over something Linda needed and have been harangued into staying for dinner.” I turned my eyes on Kristen and gave her the best smile I could muster. “Happy Birthday.”

“Thanks Amanda,” she answered softly. “Apparently birthdays are a big deal around here.”

I nodded, keeping my eyes on her. “Linda just loves to celebrate any occasion. I’m pretty sure she would have celebrated Matt and Maddie making their beds if she could have gotten away with it.”

Kristen laughed quietly and leaned in to give Matt a tiny kiss. “I’m going to use the restroom. I’ll be right back.”

She stood and I hated how she looked so fantastic in a pair of navy blue leggings that accentuated how perfect her legs were. Her long white blouse was almost see-through, making her an equal mix between classy and sexy. Her long, brown hair was almost as long as mine and was stick straight down her back. The dark color of her hair only made her kiss-swollen pink lips stand out. I wanted to hate her so much but she was so damn nice.

I chanced a look to Matt and he nodded to his girlfriend as he watched her retreating figure. The moment she was gone he set his gaze on me. His bright blue eyes were darker than normal and had a hardness to them that I did not like directed at me.

“What are you doing here, Amanda? Not to sound like a dick, but it was supposed to be just the four of us tonight.” His voice was unfriendly and cut deeper than it ever had before.

“I told you… your mom…” I stammered, caught off guard by his gruffness, and shook my head quickly. “I was doing Maddie a favor. I didn’t even realize.”

Matt let out a big sigh and rubbed the back of his neck. His face softened slightly with remorse and he looked more stressed than angry. “I’m sorry. It’s just…”

“No, no. I get it.” I interrupted him and stood swiftly. “I’m gonna go.”

“Manda…”

I rushed out of the family room, pausing at the kitchen to look at Craig and Linda.

“Hey, I’m sorry guys, but I forgot that I have somewhere I’m supposed to be tonight.”

Linda turned and gave me an odd look as she studied my face and I knew she could tell I was lying. I didn’t give her a chance to protest though as I gave them both half-hugs and dashed out the door as hastily as I could.

I’d made it to my car before the first tear fell and by the time I was I was buckling my seatbelt my vision was blurry. My relationship with Matt was so bumpy that I never had any idea of where we were. It went from friends, to kissing friends, to awkward friends, to friends, to friends in bed, to ignoring each other, to declaring a truce, and now we couldn’t even be around each other. How were we ever going to raise a baby together if he couldn’t even sit through dinner with me? The confidence I had in the two of us being able to do this seemed to dwindle every time we were together.

I placed my hands on my stomach and let my head fall onto the steering wheel.

“I’m so sorry, little one. I’ve made a mess of things.”

Chapter Seven

I let out a frustrated sigh as I straightened myself up, wiping my mouth on the back of my hand. I flushed the toilet and moved to the sink where I rinsed my mouth and washed my hands.

I gazed down at my stomach. “Okay. If I don’t eat, you don’t eat. Keep that in mind.”

I stared at myself in the mirror and realized how tired I looked. My hazel eyes had prominent circles underneath them and my face looked pale. I was so sick of being sick but nothing helped. I’d tried every bit of advice mom had given me, but keeping meals down was a rare and surprising event these days.

I turned sideways in the mirror, pulled my shirt up, and ran my hand over my stomach. The slight protrusion was getting more obvious, but loose shirts still hid it well. I smiled and pulled it back down.

“We need to tell your daddy soon, little one. We just need to figure out how.”

We’d hit twenty weeks and the pregnancy was now halfway done. I had no idea how I’d let it get so far without telling anyone, but I still harbored this big secret myself, having told no one but Mom. I had avoided Linda’s house as much as possible and managed to only see Matt two times since Kristen’s birthday. The first time was shortly after that day when he had brought her to dinner again. We hadn’t spoken two words to each other and I tried my hardest to keep from looking at the two of them.

The second time was just a week ago, again at Linda’s, and he hadn’t brought Kristen that time. It was almost worse, though, to watch him with Claire. He adored that little girl and treated her like a princess. I had almost told him that night, but instead I fell asleep in the family room. When I had woken up, Matt was gone. Seeing him with Claire reaffirmed that no matter how much he disliked me, he would be there for his own child.

Time was running out and everyone would be able to tell soon. I’d caught the stares they had given me, noticing something was off. If Maddie hadn’t been living with Josh and Sydney never at the apartment, I’m sure they would have figured it out by now. I stayed at my house most nights, but the occasional night I that I spent at the apartment was spent alone. I wanted to be the one to tell Matt, and I knew he deserved to be told first. Getting Matt alone to tell him was the hard part.

I unlocked the bathroom door and stepped out into the office where I worked, the steady buzz of conversation going on throughout. The senior social worker who I shadowed raised an eyebrow at me.

“I thought morning sickness ended in the first trimester.”

I sighed and fell into the chair next to her, picking up the file I had been reading before my bathroom dash.

“Me too, Jill. But I also thought the word ‘morning’ implied it only happened during that time. Seeing as it’s almost five in the afternoon, I’m pretty sure I just have ‘sickness’.”

I had told Jill when I first began working two weeks ago, not wanting to start off my job on a lie. She was very understanding and said it wasn’t a big deal- especially because I was due when my internship was supposed to end, anyway. She had also hinted several times that I’d be able to come back after having the baby and go right into a permanent position. 

“So are you going to tell them after the wedding?” She asked curiously. The wedding was happening in twenty-four hours and I had butterflies just thinking about it.

“Yes. I’m going to tell the father first, though.” I picked up my water and drank half of it before replacing it on the desk. “That’s the tricky part. Chances are he is going to be mad at me, too. He’s not my biggest fan lately.”

Jill reached over and pat my stomach with a smile. “It will work out. Hopefully you still fit into your bridesmaid dress.”

Jill Bryant had been a social worker for over twenty years and she had seen it all. Shadowing her had been amazing so far and she had the uncanny ability to be right about almost everything. She was about a head shorter than me, but her fierce attitude made me look like a kitten. She mainly took on cases that involved children under eighteen, and I was hoping to oversee cases for the elderly once I was a real social worker. The experience I was getting under Jill was invaluable either way, and I appreciated the opportunity.

“I told the seamstress when we bought them in July that I needed a few extra inches, just in case. Luckily it has an empire waist, though, so it shouldn’t be too bad. I almost got caught by Sydney when I was talking to the seamstress about it.” I thought that Sydney had figured it out sometimes, but if she had she hadn’t mentioned it to me yet.

“Okay, I’m out of here if you don’t need me anymore. I have to meet the girls at the apartment for the night.”

Jill waved me off and wished me well for the weekend as I walked towards the elevator. The day had been long and when I sat in my car I wanted to collapse in exhaustion. Instead of going to the house, I drove to the apartment where I was staying the night with Sydney and Maddie.

I used my key to unlock the door, pushing it open and glancing around. No one was there yet, so I put the bottles of wine I’d bought the day before on the counter and let out a tired breath. I’d managed to get away without drinking alcohol around the girls so far, and I was hoping that the drinking would be minimal tonight. We had gone to Oregon almost a month ago and Maddie had insisted on doing a wine tasting. I had done by best to limit the wine I swallowed without any questions. The next day we went to a P!nk concert and I pretended it was a hardship for me to be the designated driver since our hotel was fifty miles away. I was proud of myself for maintaining the cover so far, but I was afraid tonight would blow it.

I put the bottles in the fridge to chill and took in the empty the apartment. Until last month, the three of us had lived here for over four years, but we had all slowly tapered off since the summer began. Sydney spent every night with David since he had been released from the hospital, although she refused to declare herself as living with him. I still spent a night or two here while I tried to get the house in order, but even those were far and few between anymore. The apartment common areas didn’t look that different, especially because we had all moved into furnished homes, but the bedrooms looked like something out of the twilight zone. Sydney was keeping the place until December, but I was pretty sure she wouldn’t sleep here again after tonight.

The past year had been a whirlwind. We went from being the three us of, all single, all different, always together to three completely different lives. I was so happy for my friends, but I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t nostalgic for the past.

The front door opened and Sydney walked in holding several take-out bags. She grinned when she saw me and I helped her get everything moved to the kitchen table.

“I got Chinese, Italian, Mexican, and American. I hope you’re hungry.” She looked around and sighed. “It’s weird being here after being gone for so long.”

I felt my eyes well up with tears, courtesy of my damn hormones. “I miss it mainly at night. Sometimes I even miss running into a half-naked guy before one of my morning runs.”

Sydney let out a laugh and curled her arm around me. We were a weird pair when you compared her five-foot-four to my five-foot-nine. The differences didn’t stop there, though. She was loud and boisterous, and I liked to think of myself more as calm and collective. But we’d been friends for almost ten years and I wouldn’t change a thing about her.

“I miss you and Maddie so much, but David and Claire just make me feel complete. Is that corny?”

I laughed and looked at her shining brown eyes that had once looked so lonely. “It’s kind of a corny thing to come out of Sydney Lewis’s mouth, yeah. But it’s beautiful and I’m so happy for you.”

I placed a stack of movies on the counter and gestured toward them. “I grabbed
Pitch Perfect
,
Bridesmaids
,
10 Things I Hate About You
, and
Clueless
. That should be more than enough, especially since Maddie wants to be asleep before midnight.”

As if on cue, the door opened again and Maddie walked through it, a huge smile on her face. “I brought snacks and the stuff for facials.”

Sydney laid out all of the snacks Maddie had brought and gave the pile an approving nod before reaching into the fridge to pull out the wine. She pulled out three wine glasses and began to pour us each a drink, filling the first one up excessively.

“Whoa, Syd. I don’t need a hangover tomorrow,” Maddie said, laughing.

I shook my head. “Me either. Do them in half glass increments and we’ll go from there.”

Sydney rolled her eyes at us and poured the other two glasses accordingly and took the full one for herself.

“You two are such lightweights.” She peered at her glass and frowned slightly. “Of course, I haven’t really had anything to drink since we went to Oregon, so we’ll see.”

We spent all evening watching the movies I’d brought, pigging out, giving each other facials, and reminiscing about the past. Sydney’s one full glass had made her giggly and we’d cut her off from anything alcoholic. My glass went untouched and I took a chance when Sydney was painting Maddie’s toes to take it into the kitchen.

It wasn’t until after two in the morning before we all finally fell asleep on the floor in the living room, just like we used to. I had woken once shortly after when my stomach rejected the food I’d eaten and the second time I woke the sun had come up.

I was the first one awake, but that wasn’t any real big surprise. The wedding wasn’t until five in the afternoon, so I decided to let Maddie sleep a bit later. I went to the kitchen and started the coffee pot, trying to decide if I wanted to make the girls breakfast. My stomach rolled uneasily at the thought of fragrant food, and I decided I’d go pick something up.

Twenty minutes later I returned with fresh muffins, juice, and fancy coffees. Maddie was sitting on the couch, wide awake, reading her phone.

“Morning Mads.” I smiled and handed her a coffee before taking a juice for myself. “I decided wedding day deserved some Starbucks instead of what has been left in the cupboard since the last time we went shopping.”

“Thanks babe. I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my throat.”

I laughed and sat next to her. “This time tomorrow you will be Madelyn Richards.

“That doesn’t help!” She nudged me with her shoulder. “Are we driving to San Francisco in your car?”

The wedding was being held on a beach in San Francisco with the reception at a nearby hotel. Most of us were staying the night in the hotel, and Josh and Maddie were flying out for their honeymoon in the morning. I decided I’d drive so that they wouldn’t have a car left in the city and Sydney could ride back with David if she wanted.

“Yeah, and then I’ll drive back all by my poor self. I’m jealous of your cruise.”

Her eyes shut and a smile spread across her face. “Seven days cruising the Caribbean. I’m so excited. Remember how we used to say the three of us would do a cruise, but we never did?”

I nodded and gave a small laugh. “We did plenty of other stuff, though. And we can still do things together.”

Baby friendly things, of course.

Maddie studied me quietly and I knew that she wanted to ask me something. Part of me was nervous that it would be the ‘Are you pregnant?’ question and another part of me hoped it was.

“Spit it out, Mads. I hate when you do this.” I gave her a pointed look and she smiled slightly.

“Fifteen years of friendship means you’ll be honest right?” When I nodded she continued. “Are you in love with my brother?”

I froze, not expecting that. I stared at her for a couple of heartbeats before nodding twice.

“I am. I have been for a long time.”

An ecstatic look crossed Maddie’s face for a second before it fell just as quickly.

“Then why aren’t you together? I see the way he looks at you, Amanda. I walked in on that kiss you guys shared and I think it’s safe to say the passion is there. So why?”

I hesitated as I played with the cap to my juice. I attempted to spin in like a top on my thigh before finally letting out a deep breath and staring up at my friend.

“Every year I have to go in for an MRI of my brain to make sure no tumors have formed. My uncle, Dad’s baby brother, died of the same type of cancerous tumor when he was twenty years old, and then my dad at forty-nine. I didn’t know Uncle Christopher because it happened before I was born. When Dad was diagnosed, they realized it was probably genetic and now... I’m at risk.  So every year we make sure I don’t have that killer in my head. Every year I’m reminded to watch for symptoms of Alzheimer’s in myself once I hit thirty since moms happened so early.”

Maddie’s expression was shocked and she reached out for my hand. The cap fell to the ground in her haste and I didn’t bother picking it up.

“Any kids I have will likely suffer the same fate I do. They, and my husband, could potentially watch me waste away like my mom is and then worry about it happening to them. What kind of life is that?” I squeezed her hand tight and gave her a pleading look. She didn’t realize how guilty I felt that I was bringing a child into this world that could have all of this on their shoulders eventually, too. “I didn’t want to intentionally inflict that on anyone, Maddie. Tell me you understand, please.”

“Oh Amanda.” Maddie grabbed my other hand and held them both as tight as she could. “Why haven’t you told me? Eight years’ worth of scans without a peep?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I just hate to burden anyone.”