Scars of the Future (10 page)

A knock sounded on the door, and I groaned before moving to glance in the peephole. Sydney stood in the hallway, her hands on her hips as she tapped her foot impatiently. I grabbed the hotel robe off the back of the door and covered myself before pulling it open.

“Hey Sydney,” I said as she moved through the doorway without invitation.

“Did you seriously go running while we’re on a mini-vacation?” She asked, looking at the clothes pooled on the floor.

I smiled. “I don’t need a vacation from running.”

She sat on the edge of my bed and rolled her eyes. “You’re so weird. So, who did you have up here last night?”

“Let me guess, you opened the door to your hotel room and she said, ‘Good Morning, Amanda was with a guy!’?” I moved into the bathroom and turned the shower off. Normally I would just shower with her there, the three of us had certainly seen each other naked more often than we’d probably like, but she would definitely notice my stomach if I tried.

She shook her head but tried to suppress a smile. “I wouldn’t get out of bed, so David let her in to pounce on me and she just said ‘Wake up so I can tell you about the guy’s shirt Amanda was wearing this morning’.”

I rubbed my eyes and gave Sydney a small smile. “I woke up alone, Syd. Sorry to disappoint.”

“Wait, so what’s with the shirt then?” She narrowed her eyes at me.

“It was just something I had laying around and decided to wear to bed last night.” I cringed inwardly at how stupid my lie sounded and I wished that Maddie were here so I could tell them together.

Sydney let out a disappointed sigh and I closed my eyes briefly, making a split second decision to tell her.

“Okay Syd…”

Another knock sounded on the door and I groaned in annoyance. “It’s like Grand Central Station in here today.”

I didn’t bother to look in the peephole this time and instead swung the door open. Matt stood there with his hands shoved into his pockets and a miserable look on his face.

“Amanda, I’m sorry for…”

“Hey Matt. Sydney is here, too. I have a pretty popular room this morning.” I said it quickly, cutting him off.

Matt understood immediately and walked in so he could see Sydney sitting on the bed.

“Hey Syd. You’re up early.”

“For gossip that’s not even gossip. She’s lucky she is at the airport or I might strangle her.”

Sydney hopped up and gave me a hug. “Thanks for nothing.” Her tone was light and she slapped Matt’s shoulder gently before leaving the room.

“What gossip?” Matt looked at me with a confused expression on his face.

I pointed to his shirt that was in the corner. “You forgot your shirt last night.”

“Oh shit.” He bent over and grabbed it. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. I can handle the girls.”

I waited for him to speak, but he just sat down on the edge of the bed and let his chin rest on the palm of his hand. I turned the shower back on as a hint but he didn’t take it. I took a quick shower and dressed in the bathroom before walking back out to the room. Matt still sat in the same spot, unmoving.

I walked around the room putting stuff in my bag as Matt watched me in silence. Once I was sure I had everything, I sat next to him.

“Talk to me,” I said softly. “Yell at me. Something.”

“Why would I yell at you, Amanda?” He ran his hand down his face and shook his head. “All of this is on me. First I use a shit old condom, and then I push you away every time you try to tell me you’re pregnant.”

“No Matt.” My voice was pleading. “I didn’t try hard enough.”

“I remember every time you tried, Manda. Every time. And I stopped you almost every one of those times, and usually not very nicely. Then I freeze you the fuck out only to basically tackle you and cheat on my girlfriend. A girlfriend who doesn’t deserve that, by the way. I’ve fucked up. A lot.” He let his face fall back into his hands and I let out a big sigh.

“Matt, if you want to be with her, you guys can make it work. I will take the blame.” I paused, choosing my next words carefully. “If you want to do this, we can figure out how to be great parents to this baby without being together. But Matt, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. I can do this alone and there won’t be any hard feelings, okay?”

He didn’t respond and we sat in silence for five minutes before I stood.

I threw my bag over my shoulder, picked up the hanger my dress was on, and turned to Matt. His face was no longer hidden in his hands as he stared at me.

“I’m gonna go home. I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk, okay?” I offered him a feeble smile and moved towards the door. I had only made it about three steps before I felt his hand on my shoulder.

“Amanda.”

I turned around and sighed. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“Me too, but I am glad you told me.” He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand and I felt bad for causing him all of this stress.

“Yeah, I am too. If it helps at all, you’re going to be a great daddy. We’ll work it all out.” I took a step towards him and placed a soft kiss on his check. “I’ll send you the details for the appointment later.”

I backed away slowly and this time he let me walk out the door.

I made it to the elevator and pushed the button, tapping my foot impatiently until the chime told me it was stopping at my floor.

The doors opened and I moved to walk in but jumped back slightly. In the corner of the elevator were a man and woman, the woman’s legs wrapped around his waist as they devoured each other’s lips.

I smiled and moved in, clearing my throat loudly as I did.

Sydney startled, pulling her face from David’s and when she saw it was only me, she grinned proudly. As the doors closed, she pulled herself off David and he tucked her to his side. “Sorry, we got a little carried away.”

“Just a little.” I laughed. “Apparently the magic isn’t gone in your relationship.”

David shook his head and looked down at Sydney as if she was the last sunset. “Definitely not.”

Sydney rolled her eyes and leaned her head against his chest. “He spends every second he can trying to make up for those sponge baths in the hospital.”

David grinned. “They weren’t all bad.”

Sydney pushed on him playfully and gave him a wink before looking at me. “Do you want to go to breakfast with us?”

My stomach protested at the thought of food and I shook my head quickly. “I need to get home, but thank you. You guys go have fun.”

I said goodbye to the two of them once the doors opened and moved through the quiet hotel lobby. Once I made it to the redemption area, I handed the valet my ticket.

I pulled out my phone to listen to my voicemail while I waited for my car, and I was listening to my second one when I saw Matt out of the corner of my eye. His hand was linked with Kristen’s as he handed the ticket to redeem his car as well. I forced myself to smile at them both before tugging on my shirt and turning away quickly.

I could feel tears prick my eyes, and I willed them to stay back as I tried to blame it on hormones. Crazy hormones or not, it never got easier seeing the two of them together. I briefly had the mental image of spending the next twenty years witnessing their relationship as Matt and I tried to parent separately.

My red Toyota Corolla came around the corner and I sighed in relief as I stepped forward to tip the valet. I threw my stuff in the backseat and climbed in behind the steering wheel. As I put the car into drive, I chanced a look back at Matt. Kristen was talking about something animatedly while Matt just stared at the ground, a somber expression on his face.

Chapter Ten

I spent the rest of Sunday clearing my dad’s office of everything my mom could never bring herself to get rid of. I kept the music as loud as I could stand to keep my mind clear as I sorted through filing cabinets and boxes. By the time the thousandth old client file was shredded, the sun had been set for hours. I shut off the music, ate a sandwich, showered, threw up the sandwich, and passed out in bed.

My life was glamorous.

I was looking forward to work Monday morning and when I parked in the expansive parking lot, I almost grinned at the tall, gloomy building. The office was located in the legal district of downtown Sacramento and it was shared amongst different county departments. Both Child Protect Services and Adult Protective Services shared the eighth floor, and with the lack of government funding, it had definitely seen better days.

Despite its dilapidated state, I already felt at home there and I rode the elevator up feeling content.

“How was the wedding?” Jill looked up at me from her desk and I smiled.

“Beautiful. Gorgeous. Perfect. All of those sappy words. Maddie and Josh will have a long and happy marriage.” I sat down in my chair and pulled some case files out of my bag. “And now they’re on a big boat on their way to a tropical island, and I am insanely jealous.”

Jill laughed as she stood to hand me another file. “This one came in overnight and needs to be handled first. Read it and we’ll go.” She sat back down in her chair and stared at me for a moment.

I tried to read the file but I could feel her eyes burning holes into me. Looking up, I gave her a small shrug. “What?”

“Don’t you ‘what’ me young lady, you know what. Did you tell him?”

I nodded, looking at the picture that was attached to the folder. “Yeah. We didn’t really resolve anything, but at least he knows. I’m pretty sure he’ll be involved in the baby’s life.”

Jill grinned. “And are you two going to give it a go?”

I closed the file and shook my head. “He has a girlfriend, Jill. A serious one- he brought her to the wedding.”

“Damn, I’m sorry.” She shook her head and frowned at me.

“It is what it is,” I said, putting the file into my bag and standing up. “Ready?”

We walked out to one of the county vehicles assigned to our department, and Jill drove us to an apartment outside the city where a patrol car was already waiting for us. The complex was incredibly run down, and I was well aware that this was a known drug dealing area. I followed Jill up the stairs to one of the buildings and she rapped on the door quickly. I glanced back to where the uniformed officers were waiting at the bottom of the stairs.

A half-dressed man opened the door with a scowl on his face.

“What?” His appearance was dirty and he was holding a beer can in his hand.

“Are you Gary Summers?” Jill didn’t let him intimidate her but instead held his gaze.

“Who’s asking?” His scowl deepened as he drained the rest of his breakfast.

Jill looked at me, which was my cue to speak up.

“Sir, My name is Amanda and this is Jill. We are with Child Protective Services and we want to talk to you about your son, Leo.”

“What’s the little shit done now? He’s not even here.” Gary Summers moved back inside, grumbling about his son as we followed him in the apartment.

The living room was disgusting and I had to fight to keep my face neutral as we stepped just inside the doorway. I could see the police officers station themselves on either side of the door outside.

“Mr. Summers, Leo is currently in our custody after several bruises and abrasions were found on him by a friend’s parent yesterday. He was put in emergency placement through Child Protective Services and currently with a foster family. Didn’t you notice when he didn’t come home last night?”

“Bruises? He falls a lot. Clumsy boy.” He reached into the fridge and pulled out another beer before letting out a belly laugh. “Stupid kid.”

“Mr. Summers, he told us that you hit him repeatedly after he spilled his milk the night before. We have come to serve you with notice that, effective immediately, Leo will not be returned to you.” I turned and gestured the police officers inside. “And officers from the Sacramento Police Department are here to take you into custody.”

Jill and I stepped back as we let the officers cuff him and read him his rights. He was too drunk to really process what was going on, and I shook my head as we climbed in the car.

“It’s not even ten o’clock yet and he was hammered. Poor Leo.”

Jill nodded as she pulled the car back out onto the road. “He’s better off now. When we get back the office I want you to start looking for other family members and I’ll see if we can find him permanent placement just in case. We have two more stops to make before we head back and tomorrow we’ll go see Leo.”

It was after lunch time before we made it back to the office, and I spent most of my afternoon on the phone. I let out a cheer as I hung it up a few hours later and Jill turned to look at me.

“Find someone?”

I handed her the post-it I’d written on and grinned. “Leo has a maternal aunt in Bakersfield who says she’d love to take him. She said she’s been looking for him since her sister died. She also has a son one year older than Leo and she thinks they will get along great.”

“Oh, that’s fantastic,” Jill said, staring at the post-it. “I have a contact that can do a home visit with her tomorrow and hopefully we can have him there by the end of the week.”

“Well, I hope it’s a happy ending.” I sighed and made a few notes in the file before closing it. “We have court tomorrow at nine, right?”

Jill nodded as she put away what she was working on. “Yeah, and then the rest of the day is home visits. Should be fun. Go home and get some rest, Amanda.”

I nodded, pulling my bag over my shoulder and picking up my purse. “Okay. Goodnight, Jill.”

The week went by slowly with a lot of paperwork to be done. On Friday I was at work by six so Jill and I could drive nine-year-old Leo to Bakersfield. I had to fight off tears when his aunt held him as tight as she could and he gave her a happy smile. We passed off the case file to the local office and made our way back. It was after five by the time we made it to the office, and I went right to my car to head home.

My heart beat a little faster when I saw the light blue Jeep parked in front of my house, and as I pulled in the driveway, I saw Matt sitting on the front porch. I didn’t pull into the garage but instead left my car in the driveway, grabbing my purse and bag before opening my door. I made my way up the front walk slowly, and Matt stood as I got closer.

Since joining the military, Matt smiled less. The Matt from my childhood always had a smile on his face that instantly made you suspicious of what he could be up to at the moment. The carefree Matt had been replaced with a Matt who’d seen more than I could possibly imagine and the result was a more serious man. Even without that mischievous smile constantly on his face, Matt always radiated an aura of happiness and that hadn’t changed since I’d known him. Staring at him on the front porch, however, the aura he put off was misery. He was still wearing his work clothes, a pair of khaki slacks and a red button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, but his face looked tired. The blue eyes were uncharacteristically dull in the muted sunlight and he let out heartbreaking sigh.

“Hey,” I said, coming to a stop in front of him. “What are you doing here?”

Instead of speaking, he reached his arms out and pulled me to him, holding me in a tight embrace for a few moments. I slowly let my free arm come around him and returned the hug, my face pressed against his neck. He finally lessened his grip and I took a small step back.

“I’ve got somewhere I have to be, but I need to change before I go. Want to come in for a minute?” I gestured to the front door and he nodded silently.

I unlocked the door and I could feel his presence behind me as I dropped my bag and purse on the sofa table. I turned back to Matt and he was looking at a picture that was hanging on the wall of ten-year-old me with my parents.

“Matt?” My voice was quiet, an unasked question, and he turned his head to look at me.

A tortured sigh escaped him as he rubbed his tired eyes. “I’m sorry about last weekend.”

I sat on the armrest of the couch and gave him a confused look. “What do you have to apologize to me for?”

“For leaving everything like I did. For taking advantage of you like I did. I feel like a horrible person.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and a sad smile hit his face. “I waited months for you to decide you wanted to be with me. I love you- so much. And I know you have feelings for me. I can see them on your face when you think I’m not looking. I hear them in your voice when we talk by ourselves. I feel it in your body every time we touch. I don’t know why you don’t want to be with me and it kills me.”

I closed my eyes and shook my head quickly. “I know, and I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through this last year. But I’m especially sorry for how I left you that day at your mom’s. I had been so strong at resisting… you. That night you gave me exactly what I needed, but you looked so happy and I just felt like an ass.”

“I’m a big boy, sweets. And I am not sorry for that night, not even a little. I knew you were just there in the moment, but I wanted it, too. I am definitely not sorry about the result of it.” He stepped forward and brought his hand up to rest on my stomach. “Just tell me why, Amanda. Why don’t you want to be with me?”

I gave a little laugh and shook my head. “You are supposed to be a husband and a dad. I didn’t want to give that to anyone, Matt. I have a mom who has advanced Alzheimer’s and a dad who had brain cancer. Why would I want to put someone through that? Chances are I’ll get at least one of those. Chances are I’ll spread those to any babies I have. Our baby, Matt. I could have already sentenced him or her to something like that.” I swiped at the tears as they ran down my face. “Babies weren’t supposed to happen for me for a long time, and then after everything with my parents I had decided on never.”

“Oh Manda.” Matt reached for me, pulling me to my feet and crashing me to his chest. I buried my face into his neck and allowed myself a moment to just be molded against him.

“Shit happens, and when it does we’ll handle it. Do you know how much medicine has changed since your dad and mom were both diagnosed with their illnesses? We could have cures for both before our child is even in high school. You cannot live your life afraid because it will be a very lonely life.”

“Every time I think I have a plan for my future, something happens that changes it entirely.”

He ran his fingers through my hair and sighed. “So you didn’t want this baby?”

“I didn’t. Near the end of June when I finally went to the doctor and they told me I was pregnant, I panicked. I’d been so sick, but I didn’t even consider the idea I could be pregnant. I mean, you’re the only man I’d been with in a long time and I watched you put the condom on. Once it was confirmed, I really examined every option, and eventually it was Mom who talked me down.”

Matt moved us so we were sitting on the couch, his arm still holding me so I was cuddled to his chest.

“Your mom?” I could hear the smile on his lips.

I nodded. “She’s so excited to be a grandmother. She has me convinced that I can do this.”

“
We
can do this, Manda. You’re not doing this alone.” His voice was firm and I knew he meant every word. “I refuse to be the asshole my father was and I will be there for my kid one way or another.”

I let out a relieved sigh and let my eyes close. I had known that Matt would be involved, but a tiny part of me worried that I was wrong. Hearing him confirm that our child would have their father was so reassuring.

“I need to tell Maddie and Sydney. They’re going to be so mad at me.”

Matt chuckled and nodded his head. “They’ll be more excited than anything. Looking back, I can’t believe none of us figured it out. You’ve looked tired for months, and the girls have mentioned you’ve been sick. It’s fairly obvious now.”

“Do you mind keeping it a secret a little longer? Just so I can tell them?” I looked up at him and he shook his head.

“I can wait a few more days. I understand.”

“Have you told anyone? Even Kristen?” I watched as his face tensed when I mentioned his girlfriend.

“Kristen and I…” He hesitated. “No, I didn’t tell Kristen. I didn’t tell her anything about what was said or done in the room that night.”

“I should have stopped you. I’m sorry.” The last part came out as a whisper and Matt shook his head rapidly.

“You don’t need to apologize. That was on me from start to finish. And I’m not condoning what I did, but the thought of my baby growing inside the woman I loved gave me a bit of a high and I took it too far.” He paused and let out a dry laugh. “I don’t love her, Manda. She’s a great woman and she definitely doesn’t deserve what I did, but I don’t love her. After the night you and I slept together, I just decided I need to try to move on and get over you, so I started dating.”

“The family loves her.” I stated as I looked up at him. He didn’t seem to hear me as he stared at a spot on the wall.

“Every time I had myself convinced that I could love her eventually, I’d see you at the house or something. Those moments I would get a swift reminder of what overpowering love feels like and I knew I would never love her like that.”

I didn’t know how to respond and so I didn’t say anything at all. The two of us sat on the couch in silence, my cheek against his chest and his hand draped over my shoulder. I listened to his heart beating steadily in his chest and his fingertips continually grazed my upper arm in an unknown rhythm. I looked at the clock and when I saw that over twenty minutes had passed, I let out a gasp.

“It’s almost six. I told my mom I’d eat dinner with her tonight.” I rushed down the hall to my bedroom and changed into a pair of jeans and a tank top as quick as I could.

Matt was still sitting on the couch where I’d left him, his arm draped across the back instead, and I sat back down to put on my sneakers.

“Do you want to come?” I asked, glancing up at him. “It’s not anything glorious, but...”

“Yes,” he said, cutting me off. “I’d love to see your mom.”

I smiled as I stood to grab my purse and keys from where I’d dropped them on the table.

“Let’s go.”

“Wow,” he said as he stood, his eyes fixed on my stomach.

I looked down. “What?”

“In that tight shirt your little stomach stands out a bit.” He let his fingertips graze it slightly. “I fucking love it. I love that we did that.”

I smiled at his happiness and gestured for him to follow me out the door.

We walked out to the driveway and Matt stopped a few feet from my car. “Manda, let’s take my Jeep. I’m pretty sure that clowns have bigger cars than that.” He shook his head and gestured towards my little compact car.

I burst out laughing at the thought of Matt trying to get comfortable in the car I was already too tall for and nodded my head. “Yeah, let’s go in yours.”

When we got into his SUV, I gave him directions to the home and we drove in silence for a bit until Matt ended it first.

“I broke up with Kristen.”

I felt elation run through my body but tried to cram it down quickly. I glanced over at him as he navigated the car through the city. “You did?”

“Yeah. She deserves someone better than me and someone who loves her. I can’t be with one woman when I love another so much. It’s not fair to anyone.”

“When did you decide you loved me, Matt?” I stared at his profile and saw his lips tip up in a smile.

“I’ve loved you since you were just a tiny thing, Manda. All gangly with your bushy red hair, always attached to Maddie’s hip. Even when the two, and later three, of you were annoying the hell out of me, I loved you. It wasn’t until I came home from Afghanistan and saw you cuddled up against my sister, comforting her, that I realized that you weren’t just my little sister by proxy anymore.”

I smiled when I thought about how Matt had flown across several countries when Maddie had been sexually assaulted. He spent a couple of days traveling just so he could hug his sister.