Scars of the Future (9 page)

Sydney leaned in so she could speak into the microphone without me moving. “You two mean so much to us, and we are lucky to have you in our lives. We love you!”

I raised my glass of sparkling cider. “To Maddie and Josh!”

We both turned and I started to lead Sydney off the stage, meeting Matt as he came up the stairs. When his shoulder brushed against mine as we passed each other, I felt that familiar ache that could only be soothed by touching him. I resisted the urge to throw my arms around him, and Sydney and I went back to our seats to watch as Matt smiled in front of the microphone.

“I’ll keep this short and sweet. Madelyn will always be the obnoxious baby sister, but she’s my baby sister. I want someone who can protect her as well as I can and Josh might even do it better than me. Josh, I couldn’t have picked a better husband for my little sister if I had picked you from a catalog. I love you both so much.” He raised his glass in silent toast and headed back to his seat next to his girlfriend.

We all gathered around as they cut the cake, and I shook my head with a smile when neither shoved it in the others face. Josh delicately held it to her lips to let her take a bite, and Maddie reciprocated in the same fashion.

“When I get married, I will shove it so hard that it goes up his nose,” Sydney muttered next to me with a wicked grin on her face.

Sydney talking about getting married without sweating profusely was huge. I was a little surprised but so elated at the same time. I laughed and nodded at her.

“I don’t doubt that for a second.”

As the night went on, I watched from the table as Matt danced with Kristen. The two of them looked good together and he seemed happy. They both smiled and laughed as he spun her, holding her tight when he wasn’t. The looks she passed him made it obvious she was falling in love, and I hated it. I was jealous, but I knew I had no right to be. I had my chance with Matt and I had continually pushed him away. The reasoning didn’t help lessen the ache, though.

“Why do you look so sad?” David asked me as I we danced together. His eyes looked concern and I shook my head at him.

“I’m not sad. I’m just really tired.”

David reached a hand up so his fingers brushed under one of my eyes. “What’s going on with you, Am? Everyone is worried.”

“It’s been an insane summer, David. I haven’t recovered from everything that has happened. I’m hoping that after the wedding things will slow down. I promise you, I’m okay.”

David nodded. “Okay. I trust you, so when you say you’re okay I believe you. You can always come to me, though, okay?”

“I know.”

I danced with a few more people, including Sean, Craig, and Josh’s father. Eventually, I saw Sarah leave with a sleeping Claire and Josh appeared in front of me with a smile.

“Do I get a dance?”

I grinned and took his hand. “Of course.”

We danced around the floor and I suddenly realized Josh was incredibly coordinated. “Did you take dance lessons?”

He blushed slightly and nodded. “I wanted today to be perfect for Madelyn so I took a six-week course. She had no idea and I wanted to surprise her.”

Love bloomed in my chest for him, and I leaned in to give him a kiss on his cheek. “You’re amazing, Josh.”

He just chuckled and looked at me, a serious expression taking over his face. “When are you going to tell the girls?”

If just hadn’t kept pulling me around the dance floor, I would have frozen like a block of ice.

“What?” I choked out, hoping I heard him wrong.

“I’ve noticed, Amanda. I’m very observant” He smiled softly. “You’re, what, halfway there?”

“How long have you known?”

“I’ve suspected since July,” he replied softly. “I knew for sure after listening to the girls talk about how tired you’ve been and then seeing it for myself. Why haven’t you told anyone?”

My face felt hot and I looked away from his eyes, choosing to stare over his shoulder instead. “I was going to at first, but then Syd had a break down. Then David almost died. And then the wedding stuff was in full bloom. I will when you get back from your honeymoon.”

“Good,” Josh said with a nod. “You need the girls’ support right now. What about the father?”

“I’m going to tell him tonight. Hopefully before I chicken out.” I finally brought my gaze back to his.

“Tonight. So it’s someone here?” Josh raised his eyebrows.

I didn’t get a chance to answer because Matt appeared next to us and smiled at Josh.

“Can I cut in?”

Josh nodded and leaned forward to kiss my forehead before offering my hand to Matt.

He held me closer this dance, dancing a bit slower than we had before. I tried my hardest not to make eye contact with him, either, and instead looked anywhere else.

“Are you okay, Manda?” He asked with a look of concern on his face.

I finally met his eyes and forced a smile. “I’m just tired.” I felt like a parrot that was stuck on repeat.

I could tell he didn’t believe me, but he also didn’t push me. Matt was a silent soul, someone who lived to make sure everyone was happy. He’d spent six years in the military doing just that, and when he finally got out he immediately transitioned into a job helping other vets. He took his duties seriously at home and at work, and I knew he’d do whatever he had to for anyone.

I resisted the urge to lay my head on his shoulder as we moved and the two of us danced in silent harmony for the entire song.

The spell between us was broken when someone announced it was time for the bouquet toss, and Matt and I pulled apart slowly.

He moved to step away but I grabbed his hand before he could. “Matt.”

I waited until he met my eyes and took a deep breath. “Can I talk to you later? Maybe come by your room or you by mine?”

He hesitated. “Um, I’m sharing a room with Kristen.”

I closed my eyes and realized how obvious that was.

“I’m sorry, of course you are.” I said shaking my head in frustration. I wanted to scream. At this rate I would be telling him about the baby when I showed up at his door with it in my arms. “We can talk another time.” I turned to move away but he tightened his grip on my hand.

“No, Manda. Wait. Is it important?”

I pressed my lips together tightly before giving him a sharp nod. “Yeah, it is.”

“Okay. I’ll come by your room later. What number are you in?”

I bit the inside of my cheek roughly and let out a breath. “Four twenty-seven. I understand if you can’t make it. I spaced that you didn’t come alone. It really can wait a little bit longer.”

I gave him a small smile and rushed over to where all of the girls were waiting for the bouquet to be thrown. I stood next to my grinning best friend, and when Maddie tossed it, the flowers soared right into Sydney’s hands.

She cheered, holding them above her head, and we exchanged dramatic high-fives. As we walked back to the tables, David had a huge smile on his face and he tugged Sydney in for a long kiss.

Chapter Nine

Less than an hour later we watched as Maddie and Josh disappeared into the elevator, looks of pure bliss upon their faces as they shared a kiss.

“You’re next, Syd.” I gave her a small nudge.

She didn’t respond, but a brilliant smile crossed her face at the thought. “Maybe.”

We turned and David was looking at her with an impish expression. Sydney glanced back up at me and wiggled her eyebrows. “I think we’re going to head back to the room.”

I said goodnight to her and watched as she crossed back to her boyfriend, who he kissed her like she was water and he was a thirsty man.

Sean laughed beside me. “They’re kind of intense to watch, aren’t they?”

I nodded and smiled at him. “They are. Are you okay with them?”

He shrugged and his face gave nothing away. “I love Syd and Syd loves David. I just like seeing her happy. Besides, I really like Kayla.” A smile touched his lips as he mentioned the new girl he had been dating.

“Did she come tonight?” We stepped into an empty elevator together and he hit the four for me before the six for himself. I leaned against the wall of the elevator and sighed in exhaustion.

“No, we aren’t there yet.” Sean studied at me. “You look tired, Amanda.”

I nodded and straightened up when the elevator doors opened. “I am going to collapse into bed. Goodnight Sean.” I leaned in and hugged him before stepping off onto my floor.

I walked down the hallway to my room, slid the key in, and pushed through. I kicked my heels off and let out a small moan of happiness before unzipping my dress and letting it drop to the floor.

I stood in front of the mirror in just my strapless bra and underwear and gave my rounding stomach a little smile. I traded my bra for a tank top and pulled on a pair of yoga pants that were feeling a bit snug. I lifted up a hand to take my hair down when a knock sounded at the door.

I opened the door and Matt was standing there, having changed to jeans and a button-up shirt, and I had to drag my gaze up to his face. When I made it to his eyes, I realized his were settled on my breasts, which were unrestrained in the thin tank top. I quickly crossed my arms and his eyes snapped to mine, a grin on his face.

“Sorry. I’m a man, after all.”

I rolled my eyes and stepped aside so he could get through the door. He moved into the room and stood awkwardly near the king bed.

“No roommate, huh?”

I shook my head, keeping my arms crossed at my chest. “Nope, Sydney is staying with David so I’m flying solo.” I sat on the edge of the bed and gestured for him to sit, too.

“I need to talk to you about something, Matt.”

He sat next to me and his face morphed into worry. “What’s wrong?”

In that moment I realized how much I missed him in every way. I missed the Matt I could call a friend. I missed the Matt who I could talk to without awkwardness plaguing us. I missed being able to touch him, even if it was to playfully smack him.

“The night of my graduation,” I started, not really knowing exactly how to break the news to him. “You came upstairs to comfort me when I was upset about my mom and instead of talking about it I ripped your clothes off?”

The corners of his mouth tipped up slightly. “I definitely remember. You mean the day when everything became weird between us?”

“Yeah,” I said with a serious nod. “The day I killed our friendship.”

“Hey, no.” Matt shook his head furiously. “It took two to tango, Manda. And our friendship isn’t dead, it’s just in need of a little TLC.”

I could feel nervous adrenaline coursing through my veins. I closed my eyes briefly before taking a deep breath and opening them. His bright blue eyes met mine, the concern blatantly obvious in them as our gazes remained locked.

“I’m pregnant, Matt.”

Matt didn’t say anything for a few long moments. He gave me a small smile, as if I was joking, but it dropped almost immediately. He opened and closed his mouth three times before a confused look settled onto his face.

“You’re pregnant?” His voice was quiet and bewilderment laced it.

I just nodded at him.

“Okay, but that was like four months ago, Manda…”

I didn’t let him finish but instead stood up from the bed and lifted my shirt to expose my curved stomach.

“I’ve been trying to work up the courage to tell you for months.”

Matt stared at my rounding belly, a look of surprise on his face. “You’re pregnant?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“With my baby?” The confusion was still in his voice but a sound of awe seemed to be overpowering it.

“With your baby.” I almost smiled at our limited and repeated conversation.

He reached a hand up hesitantly and glanced at my face. When I didn’t stop him, he placed his palm on my belly and just stared for a moment.

“Amanda, we’re going to have a baby.” Matt stood suddenly, and before I knew what was happening he had pressed his lips against mine.

I didn’t respond at first and he just kissed me softly for a second. After several beats, I let my mouth mold to his and when our tongues met I felt fire ignite in my chest. My hands ran up his rock-hard chest until they were at his shoulders, and he wrapped an arm around my back to pull me close.

Matt’s fingers plunged into my hair, and he pulled out my up-do to let my hair drape down my back. He turned and pushed me until I was lying on the bed, his body hovering over mine, and our lips never leaving each other.

I felt his hand start to trail down my side towards my pants and I unbuttoned his shirt, pushing it off his arms before pulling his undershirt over his head. He flashed me a grin before drawing mine up and over as well, and smashing our lips back together. I moved my hands to his jeans and popped the button open before bringing a foot up to help me push them down.

Matt pulled away, standing for a moment to rid himself of his shoes, jeans, and boxers before he grasped my yoga pants and underwear, dragging them down slowly. He began to climb back up my body and stopped when he got to my stomach. Putting both hands on either side, he pressed his lips to it tenderly, and the moment was almost too much for me. I opened my mouth to tell him to stop when his hand reached between my legs and his fingers touched me, causing a gasp to escape instead of words. My hormones had been screaming for this intimate contact for weeks and I wanted to sing happily with the sensations.

He moved back up my body, keeping his fingers between my legs as they moved in and out of me. His lips pressed against mine again, and soon I was moaning loudly into his mouth as my body exploded in bliss. I was still coming down from my high when Matt removed his fingers, replacing them with his cock, and I felt entirely too full. His mouth moved to my chest and I trailed a hand up his muscled back as the other settled at his neck. When his lips met my sensitive breast, I felt another orgasm wash over me, and the intense pleasure was overwhelming. Matt said my name quietly and he trembled as he thrust his hips one last time before coming to a stop.

We stayed still for a few moments, both of us breathing heavily, and when Matt rolled off of me I could see the regret in his features.

“Fuck. What did I just do?” He grabbed his boxers and yanked them up quickly.

I didn’t move from the bed but remained frozen where I was as the guilt flowed through me. I watched as he pulled all of his clothes back on quickly while mumbling to himself. I grabbed the comforter from the bed and pulled it over me as I stayed where I was.

Once Matt was dressed he sat on the edge of the bed and ran his hand through his hair in frustration. The silence spread through the hotel room and it felt suffocating. Two acts of passion between us, and both in poor judgment.

“How far along are you officially?” He didn’t turn to look at me as he kept his head down.

“Twenty weeks.”

He was quiet for a moment and I wondered if he was doing the math in his head.

“Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl yet?”

I shook my head before I realized he couldn’t see me. “No. I have an appointment in two weeks and I think they’ll find out then.”

“Can I go? I want to be there.”

“Yeah, of course.” I sat up and reached for my tank top, but suddenly I felt my stomach roll. “Oh no.” I clapped my hand over my mouth and jumped off the bed, my feet moving quickly to the bathroom.

I kneeled over the toilet for a bit, emptying my poor stomach, and I felt Matt’s hands gather my hair away from my face. His other hand rubbed my bare back in soothing circles, but he didn’t say anything.

When my stomach had nothing left to give I sat back against the wall, still naked. Matt sat on the side of the tub with a sympathetic look on his face.

“Gross. I’m so sorry.” I let my head hit the wall and sighed.

Matt stood and filled a cup with water before handing it to me.

“Don’t be sorry. Shouldn’t the sickness have passed by now?” He held out a hand to help me up and I took it gratefully.

“Apparently it can last the whole pregnancy for some people.” I rinsed my mouth out and pulled on the hotel robe that was hanging on the back of the bathroom door. We didn’t speak for a moment as I picked up my toothbrush, and Matt just watched me in the mirror.

He nodded absentmindedly and when I was done brushing my teeth, I didn’t move from where I was standing.

“Can I ask you something without you getting mad?” His voice was quiet and unsure.

“Of course.”

“I wore a condom that night.” Even though the words spoken weren’t a question, I could hear the one between the lines loudly.

“Matt, you’re the only person I’ve been with in over a year. I didn’t notice, but did it tear? Was it old? I promise you, this baby is yours.” I suddenly had a fear that he wouldn’t believe me, and panic starting bubbling in my chest as I gave him a pleading look through the mirror.

Instead of accusations, a dry laughed escaped his mouth. “I think that condom had been in my wallet since before my second tour. I didn’t even think about it, Manda. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not,” I replied quietly. “I mean, at first I was upset with both of us and a teeny bit mad at you.” A small smile hit my lips. “But I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m going to be a mommy.”

Matt didn’t answer and the two of us held eye contact in the mirror for a moment.

“Fuck. I need to go. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Matt tore his eyes from mine, not waiting for me to respond, and he brushed passed me. Suddenly he paused in the doorway to the bathroom.

“I always wear a condom, just so you know. Well, except for right now. I mean, we don’t have to worry about you getting pregnant, obviously, but I’m clean. That’s the first time I’ve ever had sex without using something.” He stumbled on the awkward statement as he glanced over his shoulder to look at me.

I nodded slightly. “Okay. Thanks.”

He didn’t say anything else as he walked out the door. I just stared at myself in the mirror for a minute and shook my head at my reflection.

“Nice job, Amanda.”

When I woke up the next morning, sunlight streamed in through a tiny slit in the curtains. A knock sounding on my door jolted me awake and I slipped into my yoga pants before grabbing a shirt from the floor and throwing it over my head. I opened the door sleepily without looking through the peephole. Maddie propelled herself into my arms before I even had the door open all the way, and her embrace felt like a vice.

“We have to get to the airport but I wanted to just tell you thank you, and that I love you before we left.” Her voice sounded like she was trying not to cry, and I hugged her back as hard as I could.

“I expect some sort of souvenir brought back for me from your trip in paradise, Madelyn Richards.”

She laughed as she pulled away, wiping the tears that had fallen down her face.  “Of course. I love you girls so much.” She gave me a strange look. “Are you wearing a man’s shirt?”

I glanced down and realized that the shirt I’d picked up was Matt’s undershirt. “Um, yes?”

Josh walked up behind her and kissed the top of her head. “Madelyn, we need to go, the airport shuttle is going to be here any minute.”

“Okay, one second.” Maddie gave him a sweet smile before turning back to me and leveling me with a serious look. “Who?”

I laughed and shook my head. “I’ll give you details after your honeymoon, okay?”

“Oh, you suck. You’re going to make me go away for over a week without knowing whose shirt you’re wearing?”

Josh glanced down at me, studying my outfit, and a smile settled on his face with realization.

“Yup. Now get out of here. Did you already say goodbye to Sydney?”

Josh sighed. “No, so we need to go.” He leaned forward and kissed my cheek before Maddie threw her arms around me again.

“Goodbye Mister and Missus. I love you both.” I waved as Josh dragged Maddie down the hallway and moved back into my room with a sigh. I ripped Matt’s shirt off quickly and tossed it into the corner.

I glanced at the clock and saw that it was still early, so I dug around in my bag and found the running clothes I’d brought with me. I dressed, brushed my teeth, pulled my hair into a ponytail, and grabbed my earbuds before walking out the door.

I didn’t know the city, but there was always something exhilarating about running someplace new. I ran through the streets of San Francisco for forty-five minutes and needed to use the GPS on my phone to get back to the hotel. I felt most of the lingering stress I had disappear the longer my feet moved, and by the time I returned to the hotel I felt a lot lighter. I felt terrible for what we had done to Kristen the night before, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I knew I was a terrible person because as bad as I felt for doing that to her, I felt even worse that he’d gone back to her. For a fleeting second last night I had thought that maybe we hadn’t missed our chance entirely. I had never been one for wishful thinking, reality had shot me down one too many times, but last night I had really wished Matt and I could be together.

Matthew Thomas was my childhood crush. He’d turned from the annoying older brother of my friend to the object of my desire when I was fifteen. He was seventeen and lived to make Maddie’s life miserable, and since Sydney and I were always with Maddie, we were grouped in as well. One summer day, when I was getting ready to enter my sophomore year, he found me in their backyard crying. My father’s cancer had claimed him just a few months before, and I had needed to get out of my house. Linda always welcomed me with open arms, but that day I’d climbed the fence and sat on their patio with my back up against the house and my face in my hands. I didn’t even know I had been spotted until Matt pulled me into his arms and held me while I sobbed, eerily similar to the evening of the graduation party. When my crying was done, he wiped my tears and kissed my forehead softly before reassuring me that everything would be okay.

After that night, I saw him as someone entirely different and secretly pined for him. But he was a senior in high school, and spent most of his time with his football buddies or his high school girlfriend. He joined the army right after graduation, and I didn’t see him nearly as often. After he was discharged from the military, he was thrown back in my life and I realized that my feelings had only grown, but I had no desire to become the little housewife. Matt was born to be the supportive husband and amazing father, and I never imagined I’d want to give him that. My attraction to him was finally returned, and I wasn’t sure I even wanted it anymore. So between a few stolen kisses here and there, I tried to stay away from him. Of course, I’d taken it too far that night.

He’d wanted to be with me and I had sex with him and blew him off. Now I was paying for it.

I rode the elevator up to the fourth floor and found my own room, sliding the card in to unlock it. I moved inside and peeled off my sweaty clothes, letting them drop to the floor near the bed. I turned on the shower and grabbed a bottle of water to drink while I waited for the water to warm up.