Scars of the Future (3 page)

I was having a baby.

Chapter Three

I was sent home with a prescription for prenatal vitamins and an appointment to see Dr. Eaton the following week. I didn’t remember the drive home, but as soon as I made it there I immediately went to my room and shut the door. Cuddling my pillow close, I closed my eyes tight and fought the urge to panic.

I tried to rationalize the situation the best I could. I could be a mom. Why not? I had an amazing mother who had shown me exactly what being a great mom was. This baby would be loved for sure. My mom would support me in any way she could. Maddie and Sydney would make great aunts, of course. And then there was Matt. I was fairly certain that Matt would want to be present in his child’s life. I had known him more than half of my own life, and I couldn’t imagine him knowingly abandoning his own baby.

There were other options, of course. I could give the baby up for adoption and give it a chance at a wonderful life. I doubted Matt would ever go for that and I knew that, with his help, the two of us could create a good life for him or her. There was also the option of terminating the pregnancy, although I was already pretty far along. I couldn’t do it, though. This baby was a piece of me and Matt, and that knowledge was somewhat exhilarating.

After dwelling on it for a few hours, I forced myself out of my bed and to head over to my mom’s house. I needed to talk this through with someone, and I knew my mom would be the perfect listener.

I drove the short, familiar route to my childhood home and pulled into the driveway next to the single-story, red brick house. The front yard was immaculate, my mom being the devoted gardener, but I made a mental note to mow the grass for her that upcoming weekend.

My dad had picked out this house shortly after I was born. He told my mom that it would be the perfect place to raise a family, and he’d been right. They were both accountants and had owned a firm in town that Dad had built from the ground up. It was successful and it allowed Mom a lot of flexibility to be home with me. They had both planned on having more kids, but Mom always said that I must have been perfect because another kid never happened. Being the only child had been lonely at times, but I had Maddie to make up for that. In middle school we had added Sydney to our fold and I was never lonely again.

They had been the first I told when my mom had officially been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s disease. My dad and I had noticed that mom was getting forgetful and she had started repeating herself constantly. Dad had taken her to get checked out and we learned that dementia was hitting her fast and hard. Mom had been forty-eight when diagnosed and the doctor had told us that she likely wouldn’t have any memory by the age of sixty. Now at fifty-six, she had her moments but she was still lucid for the most part as long as her medication was regulated. It’d been a hard year for her, and at one point I thought her lucid days were gone because she only recognized Jenny and me. Dr. Fields had put her on a new medication and we’d started to see a lot of improvement. She still had her bad days, especially when she was overwhelmed, but the previous few months had been better than the past year.

It had been devastating to learn that your mom’s mind was going when you were only fourteen, but less than a year later my dad passed out at work unexpectedly. The cause had been a cancerous tumor invading his brain. By the time we had realized it, Dad was already at stage four and he passed away six months later. My life had been turned completely upside down in less than a year. Before I’d lost my family I had plans of going to college and becoming a lawyer, maybe even a senator one day. But with Dad gone, Mom needed me near more than ever. I never regretted my decision to make mom a priority, but every now and then I mourned a life that could have been.

I didn’t knock as I pushed open the white door, and I smiled at Jenny, my mom’s nurse, as she looked up at me from the kitchen.

“Hey Jen,” I said quietly, dropping my purse on the kitchen table.

Jenny was in her early thirties and basically a member of the family. If you overlooked the fact that we paid her, anyway. Thankfully Dad had a good life insurance policy when he died, and between that and the money made from selling the firm, we were able to afford Mom’s care. Jenny had been with us for almost four years. Mom refused to let me live with her after high school, stating that she wouldn’t have me missing out on life experiences to take care of her. We’d spent the last half of my senior year touring nursing homes, and we probably visited every single one within a fifty mile radius. I had been absolutely horrified at the majority of them and seen more elder abuse and neglect than I thought possible. I put my foot down and refused to move her into any of them, and that’s when we agreed on getting a live-in nurse. I’d also abandoned my plans to get a Political Science degree and changed to Social Work, determined to help put an end to what I’d seen.

Jenny was a gift and without her I don’t know what we would have done. She had a stand-in who’d come over so she could have days off, but lately we’d been just using me instead. Mom wasn’t a fan of the stand-in nurse, and I honestly wasn’t either. I’d once asked Jenny about her social life, and she had just shrugged. “I see my friends and family, Amanda, but otherwise I love my job. When I find someone worth having a social life for, I’ll let you know.” Jenny was one of the sweetest people alive and I was certain no man would ever be good enough for her.

She smiled at me as she finished putting together a sandwich, cutting it in half before dropping the knife in the sink. “Hi Amanda. How are you?”

Jenny didn’t realize what a loaded question she had asked, and I just let out a big sigh.

“In need of my mother, honestly. Is she awake?”

Jenny nodded and gestured to the sandwich. “This is hers. She’s in her room. Do you want one?”

My stomach rolled at the suggestion and I shook my head. “No thanks. I’ll take it to her.”

“Okay,” she said, handing it to me. “Are you going to be here for a bit? We could use some groceries if you’re okay hanging out for a little while.”

“Yeah, of course.” I kicked my sandals off near the back door and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge. “Take your time.”

Jenny smiled before thanking me, and I followed the ugly, dark shag carpet down the familiar hallway. I passed my old bedroom, a room that hadn’t changed since I moved out. I still slept in there on the nights I stayed over. I walked by the old guest bedroom that had been Jenny’s room for years now and knocked softly on the door to the master room before pushing it open. My mom was sitting up in her bed with her crocheting supplies, the TV on with the volume low, and she glanced over at me as the door opened.

I held my breath as I waited to see if she remembered me and when the smile hit her face, I exhaled audibly.

“Hi Panda,” she said softly, putting her yarn down and using the nickname her and my father had given to me as a baby. “How are you?”

She remembered me most days but it was the ones she didn’t that reminded me of how terrible Alzheimer’s was. She did a lot better when she was at home, but even then she still had days where she looked at me like I was a stranger. She spoke a lot when we were at home, but when we left the house she clammed up. Linda had asked me about six months ago whether or not my mom still spoke because every time she’d seen her she had stayed silent.

“Hi Mama.” I handed her the plate with the sandwich and she took it gratefully before patting the spot on the bed next to her. She took a bite of her sandwich as I sat down and her eyebrows raised when I didn’t say anything else.

Her light brown hair fell past her shoulders and it had a few gray strands here and there. Her face was etched with laugh lines from years of happiness, and she fixed a motherly look upon me.

“What’s wrong?” Her brown eyes stared into my own hazel ones, and I felt them fill with tears for the first time since I’d learned the news.

“I’m pregnant.” My voice came out a whisper as the first tear fell.

My mom just stared at me for a moment and a smile slowly stretched across her lips. She put her plate on the nightstand next to her and reached for me, pulling me to her chest.

“Oh sweetheart, why are you so sad? This is a beautiful thing. You’re going to be such a good mama, I know it. Being a wife and mother was the most wonderful thing I ever did with my life.”

Her words were meant to comfort me, but instead I cried harder. Her hand ran down my hair over and over as she softly comforted me, and finally I sat up to wipe my face.

“I don’t know if I can do this, Mom.” The admission fell from my lips quietly and I felt something in my chest crack. “I don’t think I can be a mother.”

My mom put her hands on my cheeks and gave me a fierce look. “You have always been great at everything you’ve done, Amanda Franklin. It’s a fairly annoying trait you have.”

I smiled slightly and covered her hands with my own.

“You will be an amazing mother, I promise.” She rest her forehead against mine and closed her eyes. “I’m going to be a grandma. That’s incredible.”

Thirty minutes later we were both laying in her bed and she continued to cuddle me close. Mom let out a small sigh before squeezing my shoulder and I knew it was coming before she said it.

“Is the father going to be involved?”

I shook my head against her side. “I don’t know. You’re the only one I’ve told.”

Mom didn’t press the issue. She just continued to encourage me and told me all sorts of stories about me as a baby. We laughed together for the rest of the night and I was instantly glad I’d come to her first.

“I know you had decided to sell this house, but maybe now you should think about keeping it,” Mom said softly as we watched an old black and white movie together.

I didn’t respond for a moment as I considered her words. Mom had paid off the house when Dad died, using a portion of the insurance money to do so. I had planned on selling it once Mom moved into a home, not wanting to be near the painful memories of my parents’ happiness. The thought of filling the house with that happiness again intrigued me. My parents had made this place a home, and I wanted that for my child. A home.

“Maybe,” I replied quietly. “I’ll think about it.”

“When do you start your internship?” Mom let one of her hands absentmindedly rub my stomach and I stared up at the ceiling.

“The end of August. Two months.”

I thought about the opportunity I’d been given to shadow a Social Worker who worked for the county and wondered if they’d even let me while pregnant. I had applied to so many internships my last year of school, and this one paid pennies but afforded me the best opportunities for experience. I certainly hoped they’d let me still work because I’d already given notice to my current job where I served at catered events. In less than a month I’d be unemployed until my internship started. Besides, the internship and job usually required a master’s degree, but with my excellent grades and references they had made an exception for me. The thought of losing it made my stomach feel queasy again.

“Can I tell you something, Panda?”

I sat up and looked at my mom curiously before nodding. “Of course.”

“I’m excited to move into the home,” she admitted with a sheepish look on her face.

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. “You are?”

“I am.” She nodded. “I’m excited to be around other people who are going through a similar experience. The best thing about my life is you, Amanda. I know you’ll be at the home with me often, and that makes the thought of it that much more enticing.”

I smiled as I considered her words. An invisible weight lifted off my shoulders and I sighed audibly.

“I thought you might feel like I was… dumping you off. Abandoning you. I thought you were doing this for me.”

My mom shook her head furiously. “Oh sweetheart, I know you better than that. I’ve been alone for a really long time. This is something I’m really looking forward to.”

I let my head fall back on the pillow as I snuggled against her again. Coming to my mom had been the perfect decision.

---

“That little flicker is the heartbeat. It looks like you’re almost nine weeks along, Amanda.” Dr. Eaton flashed me a smile as he pointed to the screen. “He or she looks fantastic.”

I watched in awe at the tiny little formation on the screen. The sound of a racing heartbeat filled the room and I closed my eyes so it could wash over me. All of the sudden, I knew I could do this. Five days before I wasn’t sure I could even entertain the idea of being a mother, but now I wanted it more than anything. I had walked into this appointment feeling so nervous and apprehensive, especially after I’d learned that the ultrasound today was
not
like the ones on TV, but those feelings were gone.

Dr. Eaton pulled back and put the wand to the ultrasound machine down, and the image of my baby disappeared. He pat my knee and gave me another grin. Dr. Eaton was incredibly attractive with his perfect blonde hair styled so it was sticking up purposely on his head. His green eyes glimmered when he gave his boyish, yet very sexy, smile.

“So, January 31
st
is our tentative due date. I want you to keep taking your vitamins and up your water intake. You have my list of do’s and do not’s. I want to see you again at twenty weeks and we can take measurements of the baby and maybe poke around for the gender.”

I smiled at him and nodded my head. “Okay. That sounds great.”

I scheduled my next appointment for the end of September, just a couple of weeks after the wedding. Before I turned to leave, the receptionist handed me a little black and white photo of my baby, and I stared at it for a long moment before thanking her.

When I pulled into the parking lot of my apartment, my happy high still hung over me. I sat in the car for a moment and rubbed my stomach gingerly. It physically didn’t feel like a baby was in there, but I knew there was. A little life was tucked away safely and suddenly all of the plans I’d ever made had gone out the window. The weird part was I didn’t care. I didn’t care that I wasn’t going to be a lawyer, senator, or president. I didn’t care that I wouldn’t get to backpack through Europe before I was thirty. I didn’t care if I had to work at McDonalds for the rest of my life. All I cared about was making the best life I could for this little baby.

I walked into the apartment and immediately went to Sydney, so ready to tell her my news that I felt like I could burst. Her car had been in the parking lot even though she should have been at work, so I was really surprised when her room was empty. I let out a disappointed sigh and frowned at the empty space. I went into the kitchen to grab a drink and I decided I’d tell both girls at once, maybe inviting them out to eat for dinner. I had just settled on the couch when my phone rang. Seeing it was Sydney, I picked it up quickly.

“Hey Syd,” I greeted her happily.

“Hey, are you home?” Her voice sounded tired and rough, and I was immediately worried.

“Yeah… What’s up?”

She paused for a minute before responding. “I’m at Linda’s. Do you mind coming to get me?”

“Ah,” I said as I stood to put my drink back in the fridge. “I was confused when I saw your car here this morning but you weren’t. What are you doing at Linda’s?”

“It’s a long story.” Her voice sounded defeated and I moved quickly to get out the door. “I’ll tell you when I get home, okay?”

“Yeah. I’m on my way.” I hung up as I made it to the car and pulled out to head towards Linda’s. Sydney meeting David’s daughter hadn’t gone over well, and she had tried to end things with him as she let her fear of commitment overpower her. She had come home from his house the morning after a mess. I had never seen Sydney look so terrible and so depressed. After her and I had a heart-to-heart, she had attempted to fix the relationship she had walked out on, but David wasn’t letting her back in easily. It had been three days since she had talked to him, and I knew it was starting to get to her.

When I got to Linda’s, Sydney immediately came out the door and climbed into my car. The smell of stale alcohol filled my car as she grabbed my other pair of sunglasses out of the glove box. I felt the saliva rising in my throat and I had to swallow to keep from vomiting.

“Jesus, you look like shit and you smell like you bathed in alcohol.” I tried my best to breathe out my mouth instead of my nose and subtly cracked a window.

Sydney leaned her head back against the seat. “You’re not too far off.”

I glanced over at her and furrowed my eyebrows. “You got trashed on a weeknight? That’s pretty hardcore, even for you.”