Save Me From Me (29 page)

Work sucked today, but it wasn’t horrible. Adyn wasn’t there to keep me company or make me laugh. Not that work doesn’t suck when we work together, but it’s just less sucky having your bestie there with you to pass by the time.

Gage’s truck is out front, so work must have been slow for him today. It seems to actually always be slow, but I really don’t get how he keeps it all afloat — especially with the expensive new truck and remodeled loft. I mean, his parents aren’t bad off, but they aren’t rich, and even if they were, they wouldn’t be handing money over to him to spoil himself. Plus, a majority, meaning all, of their money is going to Mr. Beck’s medical bills.

I walk sideways through the partially open barn doors, pass the stables that are no longer used, and head to the stairs at the far end. Gage’s loft apartment is the top half of the barn. Hay covers the barn floor since they still keep a few cows, but ever since his dad got sick, they sold all the horses that they had. Only one stable is clean now, and it belongs to Starsky. The stairs leading up to the loft have been replaced in the last ten years and don’t have the old creaky effect that they had back when we used to sneak around to be alone. The door isn’t shut all the way, hearing Gage on the phone, I stop myself before going in. I’m usually not an overly nosey person, but his convo seems pretty heated, and I’m not sure he’d actually tell me what’s up if I asked.

“Do you have my money or not?” he asks and pauses a few moments. “You got one day. You hear me? One more fucking day.” And then he tosses his phone on the couch. I take that as my cue to walk in.

He turns around to face me, quickly concealing his anger stricken face, and replacing it with the happy-go-lucky Gage that I’m familiar with.

“That sounded pretty intense,” I say as I pull my purse from across my chest and place it on the counter.

“How much of it did you hear?” he nervously asks as he walks to the fridge.

“Just something about money.” Which is the truth.

A look of relief washes over his face as he grabs his phone and shoves it into his pocket. “Right. It’s just some douche who still owes me money for work on his car. I’m depending on that money for bills.”

“Makes sense,” I say, but feel that he’s keeping something from me, but I choose not to push it.

He gets up and walks towards me, pulling something out of his coat pocket. “Got something for you today,” he says as he throws a small bag on the counter. The bag is full of the pills that I’m all too familiar with these days. Ever since the night I ended up in the hospital, I’ve become slightly dependent on them. The pain has subsided a lot since then, but every now and then, it hits me out of nowhere. I’m trying to only use them as needed, but when I have them sitting around here like Flintstone vitamins, I find myself taking them just for the hell of it. I’m starting to crave the energy they give me. Not a good sign.

“Thanks, but I’m good.” I push them back towards him because I don’t want to have the excuse to take them more than I need, but he pushes them back.

“Just keep them put up. Emergency stash or whatever. I know you still get pains.” His face is full of sympathy, and I know that, in his mind, he’s doing right by me. He’s proving to me that he will always be here for me no matter what. I need a place to stay; he gives it to me. Hell, if I needed a kidney, he’d give one to me. I need a pill for the pain; he has the hook up. No matter what the case may be, over and over Gage has proven that he will bend over backwards for me. I’m not really sure how to feel about that. I mean, I feel like I owe it to him to just be with him already. Give him what he’s been waiting on for so long — commitment. But I can’t. Not just yet.

I sigh in defeat as I grab them. “Fine, but don’t buy me anymore. If I need them bad enough, I can get a prescription.”

“Okay, whatever you say.” He rolls his eyes. “I got a few errands to run. Need anything while I’m out?” He bends down, placing a light kiss on my forehead. Except for last night, he doesn’t try to overdo it with getting intimate with me. Smooches on the check and forehead are as far as it goes for the everyday activity. He knows that I’m still dealing with a lot, and he doesn’t push the boundaries. I love that about him. He’s giving me time to heal on my own, and staying by my side the whole time I do. That’s something that no one else has ever done. I try not to think about Holden, or what he’d do if he had known. Stupid thought to be thinking, so when I do stumble across it, I do everything in my power to mentally kick it like a piece of loose gravel.

“I’m good. I’m going to go visit my mom for a bit.” He gives me a weary look. “It’s all good. Brandy shouldn’t be there, and if she is, I don’t plan on duking it out with her today.” I smile at him before giving my best Cowardly Lion imitation as I put my fist up at him. “Put ‘em up. Put ‘em up.”

He laughs before taking his best fighter stance back at me. “Momma said what?” We fake fight for a bit before he steps back and pulls his phone out. “Gotta run, Babe.”

I make the three-minute trip
to my mom’s house, mentally kicking that same piece of gravel as I pass by the road that leads to the dock. I haven’t been there since Adyn and I were there. That place is tainted now — tainted with some of the best memories of my life. Memories that I will always cherish, but I don’t want daily reminders of them.

All seems calm as I pull up to the curb in front of my mom’s house. Her car is parked in the drive with no signs of Brandy or Billy’s vehicles, but that doesn’t mean anything. They don’t always have vehicles or reliable modes of transportation. I hate the slight nervousness and stress that takes over my body every time I come over here, and I brace myself for what could turn into a physical visit. It’s not that I’m scared, or can’t deal with confrontation. It’s like a metaphorical version of acid reflux. It’s uncomfortable and can burn until you take something to relieve the discomfort, but there are also ways to dodge it all together. Staying away and avoiding the possibility of running into my dreaded siblings is my own personal TUMS.

I stand on her cracked cement porch, holding my hand up until I finally force myself to go through with the knock instead of turning around and just leaving.

I hear my mom yell ‘come in’. She’s not used to having to answer the door much, because all her visitors typically just walk right in. But since I’m no longer a resident, I feel as though it’d be rude for me to do so, even though every time I knock, my mother reminds me that I don’t need to.

“Hey, Mom,” I say as I walk in. Two boys, who’ve been anxiously waiting for me to show up, tackle me the second I close the door.

“Aunt Dani, we’ve missed you. When you going to move back in so we can see you more?” asks the littlest one.

“Well, Dean, I’m not sure if that’s going to happen.” He gives me a pouty lip. “Put that lip up. You’re going to trip over it,” I say before tickling him.

He bursts out into a fit of giggles. “Uncle, uncle,” he repeats over and over.

“That’s not the right one,” I say as I continue my tickle fest on him.

“Aunt, aunt,” he says as he tries to control his laughing.

We sit around watching a few movies and avoiding any serious conversations. The boys are in and out of here the whole time, keeping the setting as casual and lighthearted as possible. As much as I’ve missed my mom, I’ve missed these boys ten times more. My mother makes her own bed and chooses to sleep in it. These guys have no choice or say so in the matter. If I didn’t already want to better my life, I’d want to just for the sake of them. Maybe offer them a better life, or at least have my own place where they could come and visit me. That would be a more likely scenario. Even though Brandy leaves them here for my mom to take care of, there’s no way in hell she’d let me start playing mommy to them. My mom might not be so willing either. Not because she would think that I’m not capable, but because she’s grown attached to them, as well. With all the shit she puts up with, I could never try to overturn her guardianship in their life. Plus, they don’t need to be yanked around anymore, and they are comfortable here.

We’re laughing at something on the movie when the door flings open and in walks Brandy, with Billy right behind her. It’s almost gross how much they hang out, but I know it’s only to score the same hookups. They literally hook each other up, too. Since neither one of them are willing to get their shit straight, one will always depend on the other. It’s like a teeter-totter. One will have a job, and then lose it. Then the other one instantly has a job and vice versa. It reminds me of track when passing the baton. That’s what they do in life — pass the stick once they feel they’ve run their fair share for the moment. I’m sure they don’t always end up carrying an even amount of weight in this race we call life, but the other one always seems to suck it up and pull the extra temporary load. And somehow, they make it. Oh yeah, it’s because they are in their mid-thirties and still live with their momma.

I push myself deeper into the sofa, bracing myself for the storm that’s about to come. But it doesn’t. Instead, Brandy is smiling. But I’m having a real hard time believing it’s sincere. Nothing she does is sincere, especially when it comes to me.

“Hey, DJ,” she says before turning her attention back to where my mom is sitting. Billy doesn’t even look my way. He just leans against the wall as if he’s not planning on sticking around for very long. That’s what I’m praying, anyways.

“Mom, I have some really good news.” She crouches down in front of her. “I went to the doctor, and I’m four months pregnant.” She hands my mom a little black and white photo. “They say it’s a girl,” she says extra cheerfully, looking over at me to make sure I had heard.

I gasp, and by the eyes now focused on me, it was very audible. The audacity of this chick has my insides cringing. She knows what I just went through, and this is her rubbing it in my face, again. I can’t have kids, but this druggie, who doesn’t even want the kids she has, can get knocked up whenever she pleases.

“Oh, that’s nice,” my mom says. I know she’s trying to avoid an outbreak of curse words, but some things are unavoidable.

“Nice?” I ask as I rise to my feet. “How is her getting pregnant nice? She’s a dope whore. First off, that poor child will be lucky if it makes it full term. Second, it will be lucky if it makes it without coming out of the womb a tweaker.”

“Dani Jo.” My mother raises her voice at me. I can see it in her eyes. She’s begging me to stop. But I can’t. I just can’t sit quiet any longer. Maybe it’s because this kills me in more ways than she knows. Who the hell am I kidding? She knows. Brandy knows. They all know.

“She. My baby is a girl,” Brandy says as she stands back up, placing a protective hand on her stomach. If her clothes weren’t so saggy on her, I would have maybe caught it when she walked in.

“Great. I’m surprised you’ve cared enough to even go to the doctor. Have they drug tested you yet?”

“I’m clean, Dani. It’s not like you’d care, anyways. You’ll never be able to see it. I’ll never be as good as you. But you know what? You ain’t perfect. You can’t even have kids,” she screams.

“You don’t even want the kids you have. Women like you don’t deserve the title of mother. All you are is an incubator. A broken one at that,” I say as I get my stuff and head for the door. I want to tell the boys bye, but I know they are hiding out. I don’t think it’d go over very well if I were to go look for them either. Brandy might try to act like some protective momma bear or something.

She starts laughing as if I just said the funniest thing she’s ever heard.

And she claims she’s clean. Ha.

“Say what you want, sis,” she spits that part out. “But I’m not the one living with a drug dealer.” It takes me a minute to gather what she just said, and then put it into all the right compartments to compute the results. Even though I get what she’s saying, I know my face is covered with a look of confusion. “That’s right. Gage was our dealer. Hell, he’s every druggie in town’s dealer. You are sleeping with your own personal enemy.”

“I’m not sleeping with him.” I lie as I walk out the door, hell bent on getting to the bottom of this.