Save Me From Me (28 page)

There’s something comfortable about familiarity.
It has the power to put you at ease, and calm the raging sea that’s inside your heart and mind. I know that it was time to move out of my mom’s the day that Brandy and I got into it. Staying there would only keep bringing me down in every way possible. My mom is more than aware of that, and she totally supports my moving in with Gage. She’s known him his whole life, and knows it is a safe place for me to live. I’m sure in her mind it’s even safer for my emotional well-being than her house is. Her house isn’t a bad living environment for Brandy’s boys and her, but I’m the odd man out there. Brandy’s never wanted me there, and she made sure to get rid of me.

Moving in with Gage has become a blessing in disguise. We’re almost like an old married couple without any of the romantic antics involved. Yes, we hug, and he’ll kiss my forehead or cheek at times. There have even been times that we’ve held hands as we sit on the couch, but that has been it. I don’t want Gage to be some sort of rebound for me to get over Holden. He deserves more than that. Frankly, he deserves more than what I’ll ever be able to offer him.

A couple weeks after I moved in, I had a heart to heart with him about what went down with Holden. Telling him how I felt about Holden, and that I was going to leave with him was the hardest thing ever. He tried to hide the pain for my sake, but it didn’t work out well. It was clear as day written all over his face, but once I told him what Holden’s dad had said, his sadness turned to anger.

“That man said what to you?” He was seething mad.

“Basically, that his son deserved more than a convenience store clerk, and that there’s one of me in every town. That I will ruin his future… Blah, blah, blah.”

“And so what? You never heard from Holden again? He never called to try to find out what happened? He just let you go without a fight?” He shakes his head in disbelief.

No, actually, he called and texted me for the first two weeks. I eventually deactivated my voicemail so he
couldn’t leave any more messages, and I just ignored his texts. That’s what his father told me to do. But then there came a time where I just had to change my number.”

“Dani, when did you decide to start doing what other people tell you to do? If you felt that way about him, and he obviously felt the same if he was blowing your phone up and probably wondering what the hell happened cuz’ who the hell knows what his bastard of a father told him.”

“I know, I know. But a lot of the shit his dad said hit me, hit me hard. I didn’t want to be responsible for that. I loved him enough to let him go. I want him to have the best life possible. I won’t be the one to keep that from happening.”

“Why do you have to be so damn selfless?” Gage asked as he pulled me in for a hug to comfort me from the memories of that day.

I vowed after that day that there would be no more talk about Holden. That I was going to put him and all of our sweet memories in a box in my heart that I will forever cherish.

Adyn stops by before she has to go into work. I like having a place that she’s able to come over and just hang out with me. She and Gage get along great, and we are all able to just joke around and have fun.

“Is this what you do on your days off?” She picks up the book off the end table, and uses it to motion to the pj’s I’m still wearing.

“If you’re asking me if I’m lazy all day long, than absolutely. I don’t have anyone to impress.”

“What am I? Chopped liver, Butch?” Adyn asks as she plops down beside me on the couch.

“You’re my number one is what you are, Girlfriend.” I tackle hug her on the couch.

“Yeah, yeah, I love you, too.” Laughing, she pushes me off of her. “So, how’s this whole set up with Gage going? I mean, I know he still has the same feelings he’s always had for you, but how do you feel? Have any of yours changed? Do you think you guys will ever become anything more from this?”

“I don’t want to be with him because I feel like I owe him. Does that make sense?”

“Yes, makes perfect sense. Plus, you’re still in love with Holden. I don’t think you’ll ever fully get over that boy.”

“Don’t remind me.”

“HashtagTeamHolden,” she says, doing the double finger hashtag motion.

“I’m going to strangle you in your sleep.”

“Sounds kind of kinky, Dani. I like it.” I smack her arm. She looks at her watch and rolls her eyes. “Guess I best be going.”

“Alright. We need to have a girl’s night soon.”

“Most definitely,” she says as she opens the door to leave.

Since I finally have a day off, and I’m being as lazy as humanly possible, I grab the book I borrowed from the library. Gage makes fun of me for how much I love to read, but I think it’s only because he’s jealous that my book is getting more attention
than he is. I’m brought out of my fantasy world when I hear someone yelling ‘whoa, whoa, whoa’. I look out the window and see someone in a truck backing up a trailer, and Gage directing whoever it is.

“Right there. That’s good,” he yells to the driver, giving them a thumbs-up. I toss my book aside and run down the stairs, wondering what Gage is up to now. I get down there just in time to see the truck with the trailer driving off, and Gage cheesing like a crazy man.

“What’s going on?” I ask hesitantly. With Gage, the possibilities are endless.

“I got you a gift,” he says as he grabs me by the hand and pulls me to the fence of his pasture.

“You got me a horse?” I ask, my voice a mixture of shock and amazement. “How’d you freaking afford a horse, Gage?”

“Well, it’s more like a payoff. Someone owed me money and couldn’t come up with it, so he offered a horse instead.” He shrugs. “I remember you used to love to come over and ride the ones we had, so I wanted to get it for you. He’s all yours,” he says as I continue to stare at the beautiful, chocolate horse with a strip of white under its neck.

“Male or female?” I ask as I start playing with name ideas in my head.

“Male.”

“Starsky,” I say, not needing much time at all to come up with his new name.

“Okay,” Gage concedes as he turns back to me, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Now we must go clean him a stall out in the barn.” His grin is wicked, and I know exactly what’s going through his mind as he thinks about the barn.

“There will be no rolling around in the hay, Mister,” I say, poking my finger into his chest.

“Your loss,” he says, teasing. Actually, he’s probably not teasing at all. I’m sure he’s only gotten better at the things he was already good at when we were together. It probably truly is my loss.

“So, what all do we need to do?” I ask as he hands me a rake while he takes a shovel.

“Well, this place obviously hasn’t been cleaned out in years,” he says as he looks around, inspecting the mess. “I didn’t really put much thought into this whole horse thing. I just impulsively jumped on the chance.”

“Do you jump on everything you have the chance to?” I ask as I cock my brow up half-teasing him.

“Actually, I prefer to be the one getting jumped on,” he says, winking. “We don’t need to clean this whole barn out. We just need to make a place for Starsky to sleep. Get the old hay and old horse shit out. Get his water and food shit cleaned out, and BAM, he’ll be all good.”

“Where’s the EASY button?” I ask, dreading the craptastic work I’m about to have to do instead of reading my awesome post-apocalyptic book.

Even though we’re almost finished spreading out the new hay, I can’t help but be playful with him.

“Hey,” I say. As he turns around, I toss some at him. “See, hay.”

“You’re a funny one, aren’t ya?” he asks before tossing some over his shoulder onto me.

It’s on. I throw my rake down, and just start grabbing heaps of the hay and tossing it at him. He joins in as we laugh at each other, and just enjoy the playfulness. Before I know it, I’m on my back with Gage on top of me. Our breathing is quicker than normal, and I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with the hay fight we just had.

“Hay,” he says, pulling a piece from my hair.

“Hey back,” I say as I let my hand graze his cheek. He closes his eyes, briefly taking in my touch. Knowing Gage, he’s probably trying to put the memory on lockdown so that he never forgets it. I can see him thinking that this is a one-time thing, and that he needs to take it in as much as possible.

I know he’s uncertain of me, and how to act around me, so when he opens his eyes, I lift my lips to his. I quickly retract, afraid of what this could be doing to him… to me. But when his eyes meet mine again, I can’t help but kiss him again. This time deeper and longer. He works his lips against mine with perfection. I moan into his mouth as our tongues lock together. He easily rolls us over so that I’m on top. I know he did it for me so that I’ll know that I’m totally in control. That whatever happens, it’s up to me. Right now, all I can think about is his lips, and how good they feel against mine.

It’s been months, but I still have flashes of Holden as I’m clinging onto Gage. It’s not fair. More than anything, it’s not fair to Gage. I try to pull away, but Gage has a tight grip around my waist. He knows me far too well, and he’s not going to let me run. Not this time.

“Don’t do this, Danielle.” His eyes and voice both beg me. I shake my head, refusing to let any emotion take over. He takes one hand and gently pulls my face to his. “I want to help you. Let me make you forget him.”

I stare at him, realizing that there’s no way I can fight off the love I see in him. He wants to make me forget, and I’m going to let him try.

The next morning, I wake up wrapped in Gage’s strong, long arms. Last night, I let him show me what he claims I’ve been missing. He only tended to me, not getting anything out of it for himself, and not because I didn’t try. After he sent waves of pleasure through my body, I wanted to return the favor, but he wasn’t having any of that. He’s not trying to rush me into having sex with him, and I respect that, but in the heat of the moment, I wanted it and bad. He wouldn’t even let me get him off by other ways. He kept himself clothed the whole time.

Slowly unwrapping Gage’s arm from me, I roll out of bed and head for the shower. The heat of the water hitting my back brings my sore body instant relief, and I let out a heavy sigh. That racking hay shit is for the birds. My body is sore today after all of that bending over. I’m not into manual labor. Call me lazy, but there you have it.

I wrap a towel around my body and one around my hair before brushing my teeth. I feel cramps starting to come on, so I hurry brushing to go search for medicine for the pain. I come out of the bathroom to find Gage stepping into his jeans. I lean against the door jam and enjoy the show. His long, lean, with just enough muscles, legs slide into each leg of his jeans. He grabs his belt and slides it through the loops, but doesn’t buckle it. As he walks to his closet to get a shirt, he smirks when he catches me openly checking him out.

“Like what you see?” He lifts his arms into flexes and points, “The gym is that way,” before bending down to kiss each bicep.

“Pig.” I laugh as I walk to my dresser. “Do you happen to have any Ibuprofen?” I ask as I look through my top drawer for a pair of underwear.

“No, but I can get you something stronger. If you’re going to need it.” He walks out of the closet, eyeing me with concern.

“It’s hard to tell. It’s not always the same,” I say as a pain shoots through me, taking my breath away. “Yes, something stronger will work,” I reply as I sit down on the bed.

“I’ll be back in fifteen,” he says, kissing my cheek as he walks out the bedroom, and leaving me to wonder exactly where he’s going.