Save Me From Me (24 page)

“Why do you have to be so perfect?” she asks, looking deep into my eyes. I’m about to answer her, but she continues before I can. “You make me feel things I’ve never felt before,” she admits without any shyness or visible regret. She’s confident of these feelings and wants me to know.

“Like what?” I try to fish it out of her.

“Hope.” She looks down, and then through her lashes looks back up. “Love.”

“I feel it too, Babe.”

“Will you be mad if I say I need to think about it? That I need to sit down and talk with my mom first before I up and decide to bail.”

“You do what you need to do. We got a few days before any decisions need to be made.”

After waking up in Holden’s arms, I leave and go straight home because I need to figure out what I’m going to do. Time is not on my side at the moment.

“Mom, I need to talk to you.” I sit down at the kitchen table as she folds the newspaper she’s reading and sits it down.

“Is everything okay?” she asks, her voice full of concern. I’m nervous for some reason as I sit there in silence twiddling my thumbs.

I sit up straighter, gaining my composure and confidence. “Holden is heading back on the road soon.” I sigh. “He wants me to go with him.”

“Oh, yeah? Well, Hunny, how do you feel about that?”

“Honestly, I’m on the fence about what I should do. About what is right for me to do.”

“Do you love him?”

“Yes,” I reply without hesitation.

“Well, there’s your answer.”

“How can the fact that I love him be the solution?” I ask even more confused.

“Dani Jo, if you stay here instead of going with him, you will regret it. You will stay here blaming everyone else around you for your misery when he leaves. When you find the one you love, you don’t let them go. So, don’t you dare stay here on my account. I can handle all of this on my own. You need to find your own happy place.”

“But, what if something happens when I’m gone?” I can’t help the overwhelming sense of sadness as the words leave my mouth.

“Oh Dani, is that what this is all about?” She pulls me in for a hug. “What happened to your dad isn’t your fault. Stuff happens that we have no control over. Don’t you dare stop living because you’re so worried about what could happen to me. We can’t control any of it, so take charge of the things you actually are able to.”

“I love you, Momma, but I don’t want to lose Holden.”

“Then don’t, Baby Girl.” I’m not sure why, but having my mom’s approval, and basically her nudging me to leave, puts a sense of peace in my mind and soul about the decision I’m now leaning more towards. “I’m so excited for you, Dani. Not because you’re leaving. But because of what your leaving signifies. When you left after high school, it was to get away from here and be someone, hell anyone, but the person you were supposed to be, but now, you’ve finally found who you are. I’m sorry it had to take losing your dad, losing yourself, and coming back here to do so. But dammit, my baby girl has found herself, and I’m so proud of you.” She pulls away slightly making sure to keep eye contact. “Your dad would be so proud, too.”

“Thank you, Mom.” I feel the fountain of tears take over. “You know I’m always going to worry about you, and not because I think you’re weak and need help, but because I know you’re strong. You could take on the world. I just hate that you’re always doing it alone.”

“Dani Jo, it’s time for
you
to take
my
burdens off of
your
shoulders. They are mine, and mine alone to carry. I’ve had my time. Now it’s yours. So, go and make the best of it. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Mom. I need to tell the boys. When they wake up, I’m going to take them to do something and break the news then.”

She nods and then wipes the few leftover tears from under my eyes.

Feeling like I need to make my rounds, I call Tyler. I need a man’s perspective right now. And even though he is my brother, he’ll give an unbiased opinion on the matter.

“Hey sis. What’s up?” he asks, answering his phone on the second ring.

“I’m not trying to bother you at work. But I just wanted to tell you I’m thinking about taking off on the road for a bit with Holden.”

“Who exactly is Holden?” he asks in his big bad protective brotherly voice, which makes me giggle.

“You haven’t got to meet him yet. He’s a guy that’s been working here the last few months. We’ve grown really close and he’s asked me to go with him on this next job of his.”

“Well, do you love him, DJ? I guess that’s a dumb question. I’m sure you wouldn’t be debating it if you didn’t.” He knows me far too well.

“Yes, I do love him.”

“Then, are you like asking for my approval, or needing me to pack your shit up myself and send you on your way? You’re a big girl, Dani. I know you won’t do anything stupid, and if you feel like it’s the right thing to do, then do it. Don’t let anyone hold you back. I’ve told you that shit from the get-go.”

“Ahh, I know. But my stubborn ass just needs to be pushed.”

“Well, did I push you enough?”

“Yeah, I think you did.”

“Good. You know I love you and only want what’s best for you.”

“I love you too, Tyler.”

Yes, I’ve talked to my mom and brother about taking off, but I have one more important person I really want to run it by. I’m not sure her going against the grain would make a difference, but the fact that she is my best friend means I just really want to talk to her about it.

“Wow, Dani. This is huge! Like crazy, big huge!” Adyn says as we sit behind the store on her lunch break.

“I know it is. I mean, I always knew this day would come, but I wasn’t sure how serious me and Holden would be when it happened.”

“I’ve known from the get-go. I could see the way you guys felt from a mile away. You both kind of had this instant connection from the moment you laid eyes on each other.” She lets out a giggle. “Even as awkward as that first moment was.”

“Right!” I admit, shaking my head as I laugh along with her.

“When do you guys leave?” she asks, and I wonder if it’s because she’s asking about Rusty too.

“I think a couple days. I haven’t given him my answer yet.”

“Cool.”

“What’s up with you and Rusty? Do y’all even talk?”

“We do, rarely. I think he was hoping that I’d be an easy chick. Sure, I could have some meaningless sex to stick it to James, but it wouldn’t affect him, and right now, I’m just not feeling men period. Don’t get me wrong. He’s fun to talk to, and I enjoyed the times we all hung out, but that’s as far as it will ever go.”

“Well, thanks for always being on the Holden train. He’s proven to me that there are still good guys out there. You’ll find yours one day.” I bump her shoulder.

“Ahh, maybe. Who knows? Right now, I really don’t care. I’m enjoying my freedom from being tied down… and not in the kinky way.” She smiles at me. “James was a bit of a bossy ass. Even though what happened sucked and hurt bad, I’m glad it did.”

“I just love your heart, Adyn. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I will be blowing your phone up daily. You best believe it.”

“I’m going to miss you, Muffintits,” she says, wrapping her arm around me and pulling me into a side hug. “Have you told Joy yet?”

I start laughing. “No. I don’t think I’m going to. I might call in the day I take off and tell her. She’s been the last thing on my mind, and I don’t plan on pushing her to the forefront anytime soon.”

After spending the day with the ones I love most, and finally having my heart and mind become one with my decision, I head back to Holden’s motel room to tell him.

Looking down at my feet after I knock, I try to literally bite back my smile as my eyes travel up his body. With one arm raised up as he leans against the door jam, I take in his fitted button up shirt that does wonders to his chest, and all I can think about is wanting to rip it open and run my hands up and down its bareness. But instead of starting an exploration, I stay strong. For now, anyways.

“Hey, Hot Shot.”

I lied. I’m not strong. I can’t hold back. What better way to announce the news that I’m going with him than to do it while sexually assaulting his body? I claim his lips as I push us into the room, kicking the door shut as I do. He instantly has me pinned against the back of the door and kisses his way down my neck as his hands move up and down and all around my body.

“Holden.” Noises are all he makes back in return. “Holden,” I say as I grab his head and bring it back up to my face. “I’m going with you.”

He doesn’t say anything. He lets his mouth on my body do all the talking. And I take that as a good sign.

It’s all settled and out in the open. Feelings, intentions, and future plans all placed nice and pretty on the table. Clarity has set in, and giddiness is now taking over — along with passion and want for this man. I care so much for this man that I’m about to take off with him, leaving behind what little life I’ve had here for the last half year.

“Show me what you feel, Holden,” I say as we make our way to the bed.

Leaning into me and deepening our kiss, he pushes me back onto the mattress. I’ve been craving his closeness all night. I plan on making love to this gorgeous man of mine all night long. Tonight I’m letting go and falling. Falling completely into him, because I know he will always be there to catch me.

He sits up, and I push myself further back onto the bed. He stands up, kicking his shoes off, and then he slowly pulls each of my boots off, keeping his eyes locked on mine the entire time. He starts to unbutton his plaid shirt, but I quickly sit myself up on my knees. “No. Let me do it.”

“Okay,” he says as we make our ways closer to each other. With him standing and me on my knees at the edge of the bed, I slowly unbutton his shirt. More than anything, I want to just rip it off because I can’t wait to get my hands on his bare chest, but there’s something about wanting to take my time to savor every minute of this moment. He pushes his hand through my hair, pulling it away from my face. Every now and then, he lets his thumb caress my cheek. “You’re so beautiful,” he says as I finish. His hands trail around the hem of my shirt, sending all sorts of tingly feelings throughout my body, and in one swift motion, he pulls it over my head. He grabs my hands before I push open his shirt, places a kiss on each one before allowing them to fall to my side, and slowly slides down to his knees in front of me.

I rest my hands on his shoulders as he achingly, slowly brings his head to my bare stomach, lacing it with kisses. He nips along my pant line as he undoes the button, pushing the zipper down at the same time. The kisses he places on my exposed skin has my head swimming, but his lips are gone all too fast as he kisses his way back up. I can’t help it as I let my legs spread apart so that I can slide down and become more level with him. He reaches my breasts sooner than expected because of my impatience. As he kisses up between them, he looks up, watching my expression the whole time. Holden straightens himself up to where we are face to face, and using both hands, he skims my hardened nipples through the cup of my bra.