Save Me From Me (13 page)

“Well, I do like him. As a friend. He’s fun to hang out with and talk to, but it’s nothing like that. It’s just like it is with you.” I regret the words as soon as they come out.

“What’s that supposed to mean exactly?” Now there isn’t no mixture of tones. It’s straight up anger.

“Ahh… That came out wrong. What I meant was that I hang out with him just like I do you. Where nothing happens. I’m not saying that I feel the things for him that I do for you. I barely know the guy. But it shouldn’t matter, anyways. I’m not tied down to anyone and have no one to answer to. I don’t ask you who you hang out with when you’re ditching me.” Now, I’m the one getting angry.

He sighs and pushes himself into the booth as he stretches out. “You’re right. I have no right questioning you. I just got a bit jealous. Surely you can understand that.”

“I do, Gage. I just don’t need you getting mad over a friend. Or anyone, for that matter. We aren’t in the position to do that.”

He just nods, grabs the check off the table, and heads up to the register. I pull a few bucks out and toss them on the table before catching up with him.

He drives me back up to the store but parks on the backside where my truck is. He grabs my hand and leans his head back against the headrest. His hand is strong and calloused. I feel this town has done the same to him. It’s made him have to be stronger than he should and hardened certain parts of him over time. This town probably has the capabilities of doing that to anyone.

I lean up, but as I’m about to pull my hand from his, he pulls me towards him. With his other hand, he urges my face to turn towards his, and his lips instantly meet mine. I don’t mind the familiar territory of Gage’s lips, but I do mind the feelings. Yes, it’s nice, but something about it just doesn’t feel right, which causes me to quickly pull back. I get out and shut the door, and pace back and forth beside my truck. He gets out and does the same, but in front of his truck. He runs his hands through his hair a few times before apologizing.

“Danielle, look. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, but
I still love you. You know I do. I know you still have feelings for me, but I know it’s not what it used to be. If you give me a chance, I’ll work to make you love me again... to be in love with me. Just give me the chance.” His pouty, green eyes are pleading with mine.
He walks up to me, and I step back a few steps.

“Gage, just because I’m back doesn’t mean we’re meant to be together. It’s not like that after ten years the stars have finally aligned just right for it to now work… for it to turn on these feelings you want me to have. Yes, I never stopped loving you, but I’ll never love you the way you deserve, Gage. If I did, I would have never took off. I would have stayed here with you instead, but no, I took off looking for a better life. Yes, I loved you, but it wasn’t enough.”

“Danielle, I’m not expecting you to fall back in love with me instantly. I’m just asking that you don’t cross that idea off your list without even testing it out. I see the way you look at me. I know you still feel something. If after ten years, you
still
have feelings… That’s big,” he says, reassuring me. I can see the hope in his eyes.

“Don’t you get it?” I’m trying to control my temper, but I want him to absolutely understand what I’m saying without having to hurt his feelings. My gut is telling me that I’m just going to have to lay it all out there, and hope he understands. “What I feel or felt will never be enough. It won’t be the kind of heart pounding, breathtaking love that can stand the test of time. It will be the ‘comfortable type’. The kind that you know all too well, where you’re familiar with every bump, curve, and dip it throws at you. Nothing exciting or surprising about it. I want the epic kind, Gage. I don’t want to just settle. And neither should you, dammit. You have to let me go. I don’t ever want to lose you as a friend, but I can’t live knowing that you might always hope for more when I don’t see it happening.”

Gage sags as he slumps against his truck looking down while kicking at the dirt. I can tell that I broke his heart all over again, but I’m trying to help him in the long run. Why can’t his stubborn ass just get that?

“This never would have happened if that Holden guy hadn’t come into town,” he says, not looking up.

“Yeah, Gage, it would have. But for your sake, the sooner the better.”

“He’s just going to take off, you know? Once his job is over, he’s just going to pick up and go like he would any other town. Do you think you’re the only girl? Do you think he doesn’t have one of you in every town he goes through? I’m sorry to burst your epic bubble, DJ, but I’ve been around here while you were off playing accountant at some big company a state away. I’ve seen how these guys are. So, Hunny,” he looks up, finally making eye contact, but breaks my heart with the sadness that lingers in his stare, “I’ll always be the one here.” He lets his knuckles lightly graze along my face as he finishes. “I won’t put my life on hold, waiting for you to realize it. But just know, I’m not going anywhere.”

And with that, Gage turns and jumps in his truck, leaving me in a cloud of dust in his departure.

“Do you take your camera with you everywhere you go?”

I grab hold of the camera I have hanging from my neck and smile. “For the most part. Why?”

“I just wonder why such a pretty girl like you is always behind the camera when you should be in front of it.” His statement makes me blush. The way he’s looking at me makes me tingle all over.

“I have lots of reasons. But now that I’m older, I like having proof of the memories that I’ve made. It sometimes makes them more real.”

“Makes sense. So who’s that guy you were at the bar with? The one that was glaring at me in the store yesterday,” he asks.

“First off, I wasn’t with Gage at the bar. He just happened to be there. And second, we are just friends,” I answer him honestly.

“Well, he wasn’t racking your balls like you guys were just friends. And the glare he stared me down with at the store was a silent threat for me to stay away. I’m just trying to make sure I don’t have any competition. I mean if I do, I’m game.” He tries to say this with confidence, but I can tell he’s not so sure of himself.

“No competition,” I say truthfully because I made myself clear to Gage last night. I don’t intend on letting myself get too close with Holden since he’s only temporary anyways.

“Good. Because I’d rather see you with someone better than that guy. He has dirt bag written all over him.”

“Oh, really? Well, if I remember correctly, you had dirt bag written all over you while you were against the bar wall getting your dick sucked.” My instinct for taking up for my loved ones just kicked in full force.

“Really? Because I think you kind of liked it.” And just like that, he eased my overreacting mind.

“Maybe I did,” I admit. “But it all changed once I saw who was sucking you off.”

“Hey, you can’t hold that against me.” He holds his hands up in surrender.

“I can hold whatever I want against you.” I half tease, but totally hate who he had been messing around with that night. But he’s right. I can’t blame him.

“You were jealous.”

“What?” I ask in disbelief, but soon remember that’s exactly how I felt—at first.

“You were jealous of her. You wanted to be the one going down on me. You wanted to know how I’d feel in your mouth,” he says with such confidence. “I think you still want to know.”

“You’re crazy.” I turn away from him.

“Maybe I am, but you had the look in your eyes.”

“What look?” I feel Holden right behind me.

“The look that you wanted me. The same look you have right now.” He turns me around to face him making our chests touch in the process.

“I don’t want you.” I hold his gaze, trying to make him believe that I don’t, but my eyes tell everything, and wanting him is something I’m getting weak at hiding.

He runs his finger along my jaw before cupping my cheek in his hand. “Say it again.”

“I don’t—”

He doesn’t let me finish before his lips are on mine. These sexy lips of his are making my whole body tingle. I had imagined the way they’d feel and taste but my daydreams didn’t give them a lick of justice. This kiss is slow and perfect, but I’m eager for more of him. I’m about to swipe my tongue against his lips to ask for entrance, but all too soon he pulls away, leaving me breathless.

“What’s that you were saying again, Darlin’?” His hand is still cupping my cheek as he smirks at me. There’s no denying it. I do want Holden. But, for what exactly, and how long?

“I hate it when you call me that.”

“No, you don’t.” He’s right. I’m pretty sure he can call me anything he wants as long as it’s coming from his sexy mouth and he’s looking at me the way he does I. Could. Care. Less.

“Fine. You got me. I don’t think you’re a dirt bag.”

“I know,” he replies and I cock a brow at him. “You wouldn’t have let me kiss you if you did. I mean, I’m not sure if getting head or sleeping with random, willing chicks makes any guy a dirt bag, but for me, it’s not who I am. Just because I have done those things and enjoyed them,” he looks at me to smile, “it doesn’t change the man I am. I’ve dealt with a good bit of shit the last few years, and going a different route seemed like a legit way to move on from the past.”

“Well, has it worked? Has sleeping around helped you with moving forward?” I ask because honestly I want to know. Not that I want to start sleeping around, because in my situation, it obviously isn’t what would work.

“Truthfully, it’s all temporary bullshit. It’s easy, feels good, and no one gets hurt, but it’s lacking so much. Maybe the reason it’s not working is because the getting off part isn’t what I’ve actually been missing. I mean, you can’t get over your best friend who you were in love with by screwing random chicks. You have to replace those feelings for equal or greater feelings for someone else.”

“That makes sense.” We sit in silence for a minute. “Holden, I don’t have many friends. When I left this town ten years ago, the only person I cared about that I left behind was my mom. My dad and brother lived in the town we first saw each other in. Most girls don’t like me, and I could care less, but the guy friends I have, I tend to keep them close. When I love, I love hard. And I have a problem with just sitting back when I know a good friend needs me. Gage may be a dirt bag, but he has a good heart for the most part. We used to be an item before I took off after graduating.”

“That explains why he was mentally pureeing my balls in a blender. He wants you back.”

“Yeah, I know,” I admit. No use trying to down play it.

“Well, pretty girl, what do you want?”

I pull my knees to my chest and bend over them, tilting my head to the side to look at Holden. His eyes seem so sincere and sweet, and I know, without a doubt, that he could be one of the most amazing friends. But the kiss that I can still feel on my lips lets me know that he could be amazing at being so much more.

“Honestly, I don’t know. I mean, I don’t want to be with Gage. Not because I don’t like him, but because I don’t want to be in a relationship period, and I honestly think our time has come and gone. I also have too much family shit going on to get tied down with anyone. And it’s safer this way too.”

“What’s safe about it?” He grabs my hand and rubs his thumb along the top, tracing my veins. I hate that I really, really,
really
like the way my hand feels in his. Almost as much as I loved the way his lips felt on mine, but I know… I know I’m in no shape for any type of commitment. And I’m not sure I’m willing to do anything more with Holden because I’m enjoying our newfound friendship way too much. It’s a beautiful distraction.

“You know? No one gets hurt.” In this moment, sitting beside Holden hand-in-hand, I hope we both make it out of whatever this is without either of us getting hurt.

“I’ve been trying to feel numb for so long that now I think I’d much rather feel pain than to feel nothing at all.”

“Well, after losing my dad six months ago, I welcome the numb.”

“Sorry to hear that, Dani.” He grips my hand.

I shrug. “It is what it is. I’ve learned from it, I can tell you that.” There isn’t much more to say about it, and I’m definitely not wanting to relive any of those feelings or the reason I’m now stuck in this Godforsaken town. I guess I’m not necessarily stuck. I mean, I willingly placed my feet into the quicksand that’s slowly pulling me down. I’m not sure why I’m able to be so open with Holden in the first place. It must be that I just get the vibe that, even though we’ve been through different shit, it has left us with the same feeling of emptiness. Since neither of us is going to judge the other, it makes it easier to talk about stuff that we’d normally keep in.

He releases my hand and walks over to the wooden fence that marks the Richards’ lake house land. I watch as Holden leaning against the fence. He seems as if he’s deep in thought with his head down. I don’t ask him what is on his mind; instead, I just click away. I take a couple of pictures without him noticing.

I want to capture him in this moment.