Save Me From Me (31 page)

“Well, in that case, good riddance.” I hear Joy gasp as I hit end.

It’s about time my life gets a remodel. That job is a major flaw.

I roll out of bed, go to the bathroom, and then walk out to my truck for my charger while I wait for fresh coffee to brew.

As I open the door, I almost trip right over Gage who must have been sitting here for who knows how long.

“Holy shit,” I say as I catch myself before face planting on the cement.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Danielle.”

“What are you doing here?” I ask, crossing my arms.

“I need to explain.”

I put my hand out, stopping him before he can go any farther.

“I think it’s pretty loud and clear, and doesn’t need any more explaining, Gage.”

“You don’t know what all I went through after you left. I’m not blaming it on you, but life got real hard with my dad being sick and the business sucking ass. I had everyone depending on me… ME,” he yells. “It all just happened, and I got sucked into it. I never meant for you to get hurt. That’s the last thing I wanted. You have to know that.”

I sit down on the steps, and he scoots over beside me. “I do know that. But I feel like I can’t trust you. You need help, Gage. You need to get clean.”

He sighs. “I know. I can’t lose you. I can’t lose what we have. I’ll go to rehab. I’ll do anything, Danielle. But I can’t lose you again. Don’t leave me.” Tears are streaming down his face, and I can’t help but hug him. I love Gage, and I want the best for him. If he’s willing to go for it, then I can’t turn my back on him.

“Rehab is a great. We’ll go from there, okay?”

He nods against my shoulder. “Hey, do me a favor,” he says as I stand to leave.

“Sure.” I reply with a smile.

“Make sure you take care of that horse of yours while I’m gone,” he says with a weak smile. I look to the ground and start playing with my fingers, unsure of how to reply.

“Ahh, I don’t know, Gage.”

“I know what you’re thinking… and no. I didn’t get Starsky as payoff for a drug debt. It seriously was because of mechanics, and I had told him I’d fix his car if he had a horse to trade. Now, don’t get me wrong. I have traded random things in the past, but your horse isn’t tainted. But if you don’t want to take care of him for me, since I got him for you,” he says trying to persuade me, “then I’ll have my mom do it.” That’s all he freaking needed to do, threaten me with his mom. I don’t want that woman taking care of my horse. It’s not like I’m staying there. I’ll just have to go checkin every now and then. I can do that.

“I’ll do it,” I say all too quickly, causing him to laugh.

Guilt is the motherfucking story of my life. I felt guilty leaving so long ago, mainly for leaving Gage in the situation he was in. I felt guilty when my dad died. I still feel slightly responsible. I feel guilty for breaking the most amazing man’s heart.

One week later, he’s checking into rehab. I know it’s not because he really wants to, but he thinks, that in doing so, it will keep me around. I didn’t tell him anything either way because honestly, as of now, I have no clue what my future holds. So without ever really confirming that things would go back to normal once he finishes, or that we will be together and have our happily ever after, I stay as vague as possible. The only thing I can do is hope and pray that once he walks through those doors that something will change, and he’ll want it for himself, no matter what life throws at him along the way. It might be wishful thinking, but I’m really hoping I don’t have to test my theory.

I go to check on my horse like I promised Gage, and nearly freeze in place as I push open the barn door. Gage’s mom, Ana, is in Starsky’s stall brushing him.

“Oh, sorry. I’ll just come back later.” I know I’m not one of her favorite people.

“No, stay.”

I look at her with raised brows, wondering about her intentions, because if she plans to go off on me, I don’t really want to hear it.

“Please,” she adds, hoping it will encourage me.

“Fine,” I say as I make my way to where she is.

“I know I haven’t been the nicest to you, and I know you know it’s because of you leaving Gage.” She sighs. “But truth is, I have nothing to blame you for. Gage chose to stay and do what he thought was noble. It was, but he gave up a life he should have had by doing so. I guess I despised you for so long, because I was jealous for my son, and broken hearted for him, as well. When you took off, it left him broken. That’s a hard thing to deal with as a mother. But I should have never blamed it on you.”

“Well, I appreciate that,” I say, feeling a sense of relief.

“I also want to thank you. You don’t know how hard it is to know your son has a problem, and not be able to do a thing about it,” she cries.

“I only want what’s best for Gage. I just hope he sticks it out. I’m not sure he’s doing it for the right reasons,” I say, looking down at the dirt and hay covered ground.

“No matter what Gage’s reasons are, don’t make choices dealing with your life based on him, or what might happen with him. He’s a grown man, and the ball is in his court. You don’t need to keep playing catch with him. If he drops it, let him drop it. Sometimes, people need to fall on their asses to learn how to pick themselves up.”

“I really needed to hear that. Thank you,” I say, hugging her.

Mom called me over today, saying she had something very important to talk to me about. When I showed up and she told me, I laughed at her. Totally rude, but I couldn’t help it.

“Now, Danielle, it isn’t funny. This is very serious.” Brandy and Billy were arrested a couple weeks after Gage went to rehab. She’s now been in jail for a couple months, and I’m sure my mother’s life is so much easier. She offers for me to come back and live with her, but I kindly reject the idea.

“I don’t see what the point of me going to the jail. We don’t like each other. Remember? She actually hates me. How do I know she won’t try to shank me with some jail weapon she made?” I ask, being completely serious. For all I know, she blames me for her getting busted. That’s what happens when you’re a dumbass. I have zero sympathy for druggies.

“Really, now. You know I wouldn’t be trying to convince you to go if I didn’t think it was safe. You
need
to go.” She emphasizes the need part. “I think you will be surprised by what takes place. Please, do it for me.”

Leave it to her to pull that card on me. The one she knows I will never turn down. The one she never pulls, ever. Dammit, it only confirms the importance of this little visit to her. Meaning, I’m going to the jail.

“I don’t know, Mom. I’m not really wanting to go visit my sister who’s made it her personal mission to make my life a living hell. The same one who rubbed it in my face that I can’t have children. I just really need to think about it some.”

“You know I wouldn’t want you to do it if it wasn’t important. I’d never put you in a situation I thought would turn out bad. I do have your best interests at heart. But if you need to think about it, I understand.”

“I wonder why your sister wants to see you?” Adyn asks as we sit on my mom’s front porch.

“I can’t wrap my mind around it. I’ve tried playing with all the possible reasons, and I got nothing.”

“Well, what could it hurt for you to do it?” She shrugs, clearly forgetting all the torment I’ve endured from my sister.

“It won’t hurt me, but why should I do it? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. My mother keeps telling me it’s important, and to give Brandy the benefit of the doubt.”

“Then do it. I’ll go with you.” That right there seals the deal. Everyone being on my side, telling me to just do it, and Adyn having my back physically by telling me she’ll go with me pushes me to go ahead and do it.

“Okay. Visitation is tomorrow at two. I’ll pick you up thirty minutes before that,” I tell her.

“I’m still in shock over the whole Gage thing,” she says, changing the subject. “I never even for a second thought he was shady.”

“You and me both. It’s still hard to believe. It’s sad that desperation led him to such a horrible addiction.”

“Don’t you dare go blaming yourself for it. You hear me?” She gives me a stern look.

“I know it’s not my fault, but it doesn’t mean I don’t think about the what if’s. Maybe he would have never turned to drugs if I would have stuck around.”

“And maybe he would have. And maybe in the process, he would have dragged your ass into it as well. Things work out the way they are supposed to, Dani. You have your own battles to fight. Gage needs to fight his own.”

She’s right. I have enough shit on my own to figure out. Finding out what Brandy wants is number one on my agenda.

I’ve never been to a jail before. All I’ve ever known is what I’ve seen on TV, which has been prison fights and big de-bo looking g
uys, waiting to beat your ass. This jail is nothing like that. It might be because she’s still in county lock-up until she has the baby. Once she has the baby, she’s being transferred to the penitentiary near the state line. She’s court ordered to do ten years there. I’m pretty sure they’ll knock it down, and in return, make her do a mandatory rehab program.

Sitting in a jail, in the visitor area, while waiting for someone to bring out my sister who hates me, leaves me with an uneasy feeling. I have no clue why Brandy wants to see me, but by my mother’s tone and the look in her eyes, it’s more than important. I couldn’t say no, no matter how much I wanted to.

She waddles her way in, and sits across from me at the table, wearing her orange suit, socks with flip-flops, and looking like shit. She’s filled out quite a bit from being clean and pregnant. That’s not the part that looks rough. It’s her face. Her years of drug use are more than apparent, and it’s taken a major toll on her appearance. The room buzzes with visitors meeting other inmates, but all of the noise is blocked out once she clears her throat.

“Thanks for coming.” She gives me a weak smile. “I know Mom had to twist your arm to make it happen.” I start to reply but she raises her hand at me. “I have a lot I need to say first.” I nod. “First off, I know I’ve been horrible to you your whole life and for that, I am sorry. Truth is I was always jealous of you, but that was no excuse to treat you the way I did. Second, I’m sorry for purposefully hurting you the last time I saw you. I knew you couldn’t have kids and I rubbed it in. I wanted to hurt you. I grasped at every damn straw I could find to do so.” I feel the tears welling up as she admits this. I see them forming in her eyes as well. “I shouldn’t have told you about Gage the way I did. But I didn’t care at the time. I do care now and I really hope it isn’t too late to fix our relationship.”

Her hands are resting near the middle of the table, and I slowly push mine over, taking hers into mine. “I’d like that, Brandy.” I’m ready to let the pain of the past go, and move forward with life. It’s hard to forgive those that have hurt you when they have no remorse, but when they show true sorrow, there is no reason to hold on to it. That shit just eats you alive if you give it the power and holding onto it is giving it full authority.

“There’s another reason I wanted to see you. I want you to raise this baby for me.”

My chin must have hit the table with shock. “What? Why me?” I ask, wondering if there’s an alternate motive.

“Honestly, because I know you have it in you to be an amazing mother. I’ve seen you with the boys. I know that you would take the best care of my baby girl, and there is no one more deserving of a child’s love than you.”