Save Me From Me (32 page)

“I don’t even know what to say, Brandy.”

“Tell me you’ll do it. And that you’ll be the best mother you possibly can to my daughter. Be the one I’ve never been. Mom’s already had her lawyer draw up the papers for the adoption. I want you to be here for her birth. This adoption will be final. I won’t try to take her away once I get out of here. Whenever that may be. When it comes to the whole delivery part of it, I’m not sure of the details yet, but I’ll get ahold of you once I do. You’re going to do great.” She grips my hands as tears start streaming down her face.

My hard ass sister does have a heart, and that little fact has mine bursting at the seams with happiness.

“Thank you for choosing me. I want you to be a part of your daughter’s life one day, but you will have to stay clean for that to happen. But just know. I will be the Best. Mom. Ever.”

“I know,” she says as she stands, and then walks towards the door.

“Brandy,” I say and she pauses to turn back. “I love you.” Saying those words lifts something. I feel a million times lighter. Anger and hatred are heavy bastards to carry around.

“I love you, too, Sis,” she says back with a smile.

Adyn’s sitting outside smoking a cigarette, waiting for me.

“Well, how’d it go?” she asks as she stubs it out.

“It went amazing,” I say, still in shock. “Brandy wants me to adopt her baby.”

“Holy shit,” Adyn exclaims, standing up to give me a hug. “That is amazing, Dani.” She pulls back, placing her hands on my shoulders. “Wait. Please tell me you said yes.”

“Yes.” I shake my head in a crazy excited way. “I’m going to be a mom, Adyn.”

“You deserve it girl.” She pulls me back in for a hug.

After dropping Adyn off, I drive
straight over to my mom’s house. She’s sitting on the couch with a book in hand, smirking as she looks up at me.

“Well?” she asks, placing the book down on the coffee table.

I damn near jump in her lap as if I’m five years old again. I can’t contain the excitement and tears as they all flow from me. “Thank you, Mom.”

“It was all her idea. I didn’t do anything.” She runs her loving hand through my hair.

“Not just that. Thank you for being an amazing mother. I know sometimes that the way you think us kids are is a reflection of what kind of a mother you were. I just want you to know that, no matter what, you were the best mother you could be. You have the biggest heart, and I’m proud you’re mine. I have a good role model to base being a mother off of.”

“You turned out just fine. I’m glad you finally figured shit out.”

Later that night, I called Tyler, wanting to share the unbelievable news.

“DJ, that’s incredible.”

“I know. I still can’t believe it. I mean, I can’t believe she apologized, and was being so nice to me in the first place. That alone was crazy, but then when she told me she wanted me to adopt her child? I was freaking mind blown.”

“She knows you’ll be a great mom. We all do, Dani.”

“Thanks, Bub. That means a lot. She even told me she loved me. Of course, I said it first.”

“The drugs must be out of her system. I’m a firm believer they alter people for the worst. Take Gage, for example.”

“I still can’t believe I never saw that. It was a slap in the face when that realization happened. I can only hope that rehab helps him.”

“It’ll happen. But he’s going to have to want it. So, if he’s doing this for himself, then it will work.” I get off the phone with Gage on my mind. I know damn well he didn’t commit to rehab because he wanted it for himself. He did it only to keep me, and that is going to be his downfall.

It’s been months since I last saw Dani. They say that time heals everything, but from past experience, I call bullshit on that one. I thought what I felt for Jesika was something I’d never recover from, but I was wrong. Compared to what I felt for Dani, and what I’m feeling now, it’s microscopic in comparison. Yes, I loved Jesika, but now I realize it was a friend love, one that I will always have for her. Dani, on the other hand, she captured my heart. Just as she captures the beauty in the world with her trusty camera, she claimed me as well.

I’m an image that will never be seen. What we could have had will forever be in the darkroom just waiting to be developed. I finally found something in life that I was ready to fight for. Hell, I did fight for it, and now, what do I have to show for it. Nothing. I try to cover up the pain in booze as soon as I’m off work, but it’s only temporary. I’m no longer myself.

For some reason, they send Rusty and me back to the town where I first met Dani. Rusty talks me into going to the bar with him. He doesn’t have to try too hard, because in the back of my mind, I’m really hoping Dani will be here.

“You really need to get laid.” Rusty breaks the awkward silence of our car ride. “Or at least get your dick sucked. Maybe that one chick will be there tonight, and be up for finishing the task.” He gives me a hopeful grin.

“Yeah, maybe that one chick will be there.” I agree with him, but don’t mean the same chick he’s thinking. The parking lot is so packed that we have to park across the street by a restaurant. After my eyes adjust to the lighting and smoke, I start scanning the bar for any signs of Dani as we make our way to the bar. Maybe if I see her one last time, she’ll realize that she made a mistake. That’s
my hopes.

I look back towards the pool tables for her, but there’s no sign of her or any of the guys who were here that night. I remember the day that I showed up to work ready to leave with her, only for her to not show up. My dad was extra dicky that morning, trying to rush me around. He kept saying she probably changed her mind, and I needed to just move on.

Like it was that simple.

I had taken off in my work truck, bound and determined to find my woman, and to shake the sense back into her. I was also worried that maybe something had happened, but when I ran into her freaking ex while looking for her at her work, he made it picture, perfect clear what had happened. Apparently, he had already talked to her.

I didn’t bother to ask him anything else because it’s not as if he’d tell me where I could find her. On my way out the door, he yelled,
“If I was you, I’d just let her be. She made her choice.”
Then, he laughed.

Taking his advice for the most part, I went ahead and headed out of town for my next job, but the texting and calling Dani’s phone didn’t stop until about a month later. That’s when I finally got the fucking hint. Actually, that was when she changed her phone number. Like her ex had said, she moved on.

Being here, where it all pretty much started, is making it damn near impossible to enjoy my night. There is no way in hell that I’ll be able to sit here all night without constantly thinking about her. My phone rings, jolting me out of my memories, and I thank God for the distraction.

“Hello.” I answer without looking to see who it is.

“Holden.” The female on the other end sounds happy. It’s been far too long since a female other than my mother has called my phone, so I embrace it.

“Jesika, how the hell are you?” I ask, smiling because, dammit, my best friend makes me smile.

“I’m great! It’s so good to hear your voice. It’s been far too long. Your mom told me you were nearby for a day or so. Is there any way I can catch up with you in person? I really need to talk to you.”

“I would love you forever if you can make something happen tonight,” I admit without letting her know what’s going on. I look over at Rusty who is playing darts with a couple ladies, and I know he won’t miss me if I was to leave.

“Yes, I’ll head that way in a few.”

“Well, what were you needing to talk to me about?” I ask as Jesika and I sit across from each other at the diner.

“Umm, well. This is so much harder than I imagined it would be.” She looks at me after avoiding making eye contact momentarily, and gives me a weak smile.

“It’s okay. Just go ahead and tell me.”

“It’s about Jake.” I lean my head back and brace for what she’s about to say. “You see, there was this letter he wrote before he died.” I see tears trailing down her face. “It was like a confession pretty much. He explained everything.” She looks up at the ceiling as she wipes her face and lets out a huge sigh. “He also wrote about what happened between you guys.” She grabs my hands. “Holden, I never knew he’s the reason you took off. I hate that that’s how it all happened. I had always wondered, but never had a freaking clue. Just like everything else that went on I guess.”

“It’s not your fault, Jes. Plus, it’s all in the past. I’m happy with my life now. Granted, it took a good ten years for me to be, but I think it’s all been worth it. Sometimes the pain makes us stronger, and somehow, better people. It takes us emotionally and sometimes physically to places we would have never made it to on our own. It’s totally cliché but I’m a firm believer that things do happen for a reason — even when it doesn’t make sense at the time.”

She smiles as she takes in my newly found philosophical ideas. “You’ve always been a smart one.” She giggles. “There’s something else.”

“What’s that?”

“I think Jake felt bad. I know he felt bad. For all of it. That’s actually the hardest part of it all. He wrote how he wished he could fix things between you and him, how he wished he could tell you he was sorry. I just had to let you know. With me, it helped me to let stuff go reading the letter. I figured it might do the same with you.” She gives me a hopeful smile.

“Actually, for the most part, I had let that stuff go recently. I had found someone who made me happy, and being with her had helped me realize I had to let go of the bullshit that was holding me down for so long. But you are right; it does help knowing that he had a heart and a conscience when I believed otherwise. This will untarnish my memories of him.”

“She must be really special to put that look on your face.”

“There are no words.”

“Well, what happened to her?” she asks, so I give her the full scoop leading up to when she didn’t show up. “That just sounds off. I don’t know what took place, but from everything you’ve said, it seems like maybe she got scared. Maybe someone put the blame on her last minute, and with her feeling like she has to help everyone, she caved but couldn’t face you.”

“I guess that’s possible. But it’s not like there’s anything I can do about it. I tried finding her and getting in contact with her after I left.”

“Don’t give up, Holden. If you love her, go after her. Keep going after her. Don’t give up without a fight. Prove to her that you will be there for her no matter what. I have a feeling that’s what she needs,” Jesika says as she stands, grabbing her things. I stand and follow her to her vehicle, and give her a hug.

“I love you, Jes. Thank you.”

“I love you too, Holden. You deserve to be happy. Go get your woman and be happy.”