Ryan's Love (13 page)

But I
can
’
t really be mad at him. There is only so many times
that a man will take a woman pushing him away, before he stays away
for good.

The door suddenly opens and my heart
skips a beat, because for a second I thought it was Ryan. But when
my smiling shiny faced doctor walked in the room, all my hopes were
dashed.

“
Hello, Miss McTiernan. How are you doing
today,
”
my doctor asks as he looks down at my chart that he was
holding in his hands.

“
I
’
m ok. I haven
’
t been able to keep
much food down,
”
I
respond.

His head immediately pops up and he
looks at me.

“
How
long has this been going on?
”

I was
scared to tell him the truth. That it has been going on for months,
so I fibbed and told him only for a couple weeks. He eyed me liked
he didn
’
t really believe me. Then he started with his
check up.

He checked my weight, my heart, and
breathing again, as well as measuring the size of my
belly.

“
After the internal exam I will check the
baby
’
s heartbeat, then we will be done,
”
he assured
me.

I just
nodded and bit down on my lip. I hated this part of the check up. I
didn
’
t like anyone else but Ryan seeing me or touching me.
I never told him that. The doctor was nothing but professional, it
just seems a little odd sometimes.

“
All
done,
”
the doctor says as he scoots his chair back and throws his
gloves in the waste basket.

“
That
was fast.
”

“
Yeah. Everything looks great. You are about 1 centimeter
dilated, which is completely normal,
”
he added when he saw my
eyebrows go up in question.

“
Let
’
s listen to the baby
’
s heartbeat, then we
will talk more.
”

“
Ok,
”
I say as he squirts my belly with the cold gel, and begins
moving the wand around on my belly.

I
swear I stop breathing every time he is searching for the
baby
’
s heartbeat. I only relax when I here the strong and
loud beating of its heart.

“
It
looks like we have a nice strong baby,
”
he says with a smile on
his face.

I
smile slightly, but in my head I am trying to hold my tears at bay.
I should be enjoying this more. I just can
’
t seem to keep
my mind off of Ryan, and how much I miss him; how much I know I
can
’
t possibly live without him.

My
doctor proceeds to tell me that all my blood work looks fine; that
I needed to continue taking my pre-natal vitamins. But that he
didn
’
t think that I was gaining enough weight. So he gave
me a paper with instructions on what to eat. It said that I had to
make sure that I eat at least three meals a day, as well as drink
two cans of Ensure a day. I assured him that I would do all that,
as I righted myself and got ready to go. But before I made it to my
car, I had resigned myself to drinking 5 cans of ensure a day.
Because I knew I wouldn
’
t be able to keep
anything like solid foods down.

As I
slowly and carefully eased my way into my car, which oddly enough
has been running perfectly for the last few months. Ryan and Mrs.
Callahan begged me to get a different car. They even offered to buy
me a new one when I said I couldn
’
t afford one. But I
still said no. I loved my baby. Soon they figured I
wouldn
’
t budge; and mysteriously a week later when I left
work. My baby started right up and never gave me a problem since. I
think that one of the two had it fixed, but I never said
anything.

After
I drove off and made my way back to the office. I hurried as fast
as I could to the elevator, and down the hall to my desk; because I
knew that I was running late getting back to work. As I huffed my
way to my desk I see that no one seemed to notice that I was a
little late getting back, so I didn
’
t make a big deal
about it. I did notice that there were three big baby baskets on my
desk. One was from Mrs. Callahan and Mr. Callahan. One was from
Killian and Patrick. It had a card in it that said
can
’
t wait to meet the new little Callahan soon. The last
one didn
’
t have a name on it, but as I looked it over I
knew it was from Ryan. There was things in it that I loved that
only he knew about. My heart swelled with joy at the thought that
he was thinking about me; that he may still love me. I started to
feel happy and relieved; But I was quickly brought down from my
high when I heard a snuffling noise and turned to look to see who
it came from. I was slammed with the last thing that I ever wanted
to see. It was Rachel and Ryan. She looked to be crying her eyes
out and Ryan was holding her tightly in his arms, and was smoothing
her hair down; telling her that everything was going to be ok. They
didn
’
t even know that I was sitting right there. I wanted
to turn away, to sneak out without them knowing. Not letting them
see me. But I couldn
’
t; I was frozen in
place. Watching Ryan hold her so tightly and stroke her hair. My
heart broke a little more every time his hand touched her head.
Only the phone ringing broke my eyes away from the
two.

RING RING RING

Ryan
and Rachel
’
s head snapped up and they looked over at me.
Ryan immediately looked pained, and Rachel looked slightly
satisfied at the look she saw on my face. He let her go and started
over to me. But I shook my head no and steadied myself before I
answered the phone.

“
Callahan & Callahan, how may I help
you?
”

“
Hello, Ryan its me Marissa.
”

“
Oh,
hello Mrs. Callahan, how are you today?
”

“
I
’
m fine. How was your appointment
today,
”
she asked.

I
looked up at Ryan before I answered. I didn
’
t really wanted
to answer in front of him and Rachel. But Mrs. Callahan asked
again; plus I
’
ve always had a hard
time telling her no to anything, so I told her.

“
The
doctor said that everything was going great with the baby. But that
he thought that I wasn
’
t gaining enough
weight. So he told me I had to start drinking ensure as well as
eating more,
”
I say and sit back waiting for her to dig into me for
not taking care of myself enough.

I
heard Ryan shuffle closer to me but I couldn
’
t bring myself
to look up at him. I knew that if I looked up at him and saw that
smug look on Rachel
’
s face again I would
totally loose it; and I didn
’
t want to give her
the satisfaction of knowing that she was getting to
me.

“
Now
Ryan, I know that you think that I
’
m going to start
yelling at you for what the doctor said; but I
’
m not. I
know how hard things have been on you lately. I want you to know
that I love you and I am here for you no matter
what,
”
she said.

I know she was crying because I
could hear it in her voice as she spoke to me.

I
couldn
’
t hold my tears back anymore, and I started crying
too.

“
Mrs. Callahan, you don
’
t know how much it
means to me to hear you say that. I
’
ve never felt so
loved in my life,
”
I stammer.

I hear
Ryan make a noise, but I didn
’
t act as if I heard
him.

“
Oh Ryan Honey.
Why don
’
t you take the rest of the day off and go home.
I want to come over and take care of you for the day. I know that
you don
’
t like that sort of thing. But it would make my
day if you would let me take care of you and my grand
baby.
”

“
Ok,
”
I answer.

“
I
see you in a few, my sweet daughter,
”
she said and hung up
before I could reply.

I was
so choked up that I couldn
’
t stand it. I had to
get out of here. I don
’
t know how to react.
I never knew a mothers love could be this wonderful. I want to
scream and shout; as well as cry. But I couldn
’
t do all
that, so I settled on crying; and I didn
’
t care who saw
me. I was happy at this moment. I was letting anyone take that away
from me. As the tears streamed down my face, I phoned Mr. Callahan
to tell him what happened. He assured me that it was ok, and that I
should take all of the time that I needed. I thanked him and
gathered up all of my things and made my way to the elevator. As
its doors opened and I made my way on, I was halted by a hand on my
shoulder.

“
Sunshine, can I talk to you for a
second,
”
Ryan says to me.

Without turning around I say,
“
I have to get home.
I
’
m meeting your mom there.
”

I
stepped into the elevator and he followed behind me. As the doors
shut I could feel him staring down at me, but I
couldn
’
t bring myself to look up at him. I want to feel his
strong arms around me so bad. I miss him with everything that I
have. I know that if I look up into his soft blue eyes, I am going
to throw my arms around him; and never want to let go. So I keep
looking down at my feet.

I feel him step right in front of
me.

“
Sunshine, look at me please,
”
Ryan says placing his
hand under my chin and gently tilting my head up so I could see
him.

My breath was taken away at the look
I saw on his face. He looked very sad, but he was breathtakingly
sexy. My body began to tingle, thinking about how good it feels
when he touches me.

“
How
is the baby doing,
”
he asks placing his hand on my
stomach.

I so
wanted to drown in him, in his sweet touch. But I
couldn
’
t. He was just holding Rachel like he used to hold me.
He missed our baby
’
s check-up to be with
her.

I
slowly back away so he wasn
’
t touching
me.

“
Well, Ryan, I think that if you cared to know, you would
have came to the doctor
’
s appointment
today.
”

I hugged my arms around myself and
leaned back against the elevator wall.

“
I
’
m sorry about that. What happened
was..,
”
Ryan began to explain.

“
Look, I
’
m not looking for an
explanation from you about why you don
’
t make it. It
doesn
’
t matter. I have come to the conclusion that you
don
’
t want me; that I will never be what you want or need
in a woman. Please just don
’
t forget about this
beautiful baby that we made together,
”
I say holding my
belly.

He
steps into me and wraps his arms around me. I vigorously shake my
head no, but he didn
’
t listen. He
continued to hold me; and I couldn
’
t help but
cry.

“
Oh
Sunshine. I never meant for things to be like this. I know you
don
’
t want to hear this, but I have to tell you. I
can
’
t have you continue on thinking how you
do,
”
he says.