Ryan's Love (12 page)

I
prepare myself for the talk that I
’
m about to have with
Sunshine, then I make my way out to the living room to talk with
her.

When I
get out there, I see her laying down on the couch with a washrag on
her forehead; and my mom was kneeling down beside her saying
something that only she could hear. When my presence was known by
the two of them, they both turn and look up at me.
Sunshine
’
s bottom lip began to tremble and she quickly
turns back away from me and buries her face into the side of the
couch. My mom shook her head and left the room, not forgetting to
give me a stinky look as she walked by me.

“
Sunshine,
”
I say as I tip-toe over next to her.

She
doesn
’
t even flinch at the sound of my
voice.

“
Baby, please turn around and look at me.
”

I see her tremble a bit, then she
slowly turns over and is looking at me with a blank stare. Oh what
have I done. My sweet Sunshine looks bad. Her eyes are puffy and
red. She has circles around them, and there are tear streaks
running down her face.

“
What? Do you want to tell me how disgusting I am
again?
”

I cringe at that
statement.

I
can
’
t believe that I said that to her.

“
Please forgive me. I never should have said those hurtful
things to you. I should have listened to you. I
’
m
sorry,
”
I say kneeling down next to her and taking her hand in
mine.

She quickly pulls it
away.

“
It
really doesn
’
t matter anymore. I
was so happy when I found out...that doesn
’
t really matter
anymore either. I just know now that I should have never let myself
fall in love with you. I knew you would hurt me, but I stupidly
fell for you anyway.
”

“
Found out what,
”
I ask?

I should have said that she was
wrong. I love her and I would never hurt her purposely.

“
Just
leave me alone,
”
she says flipping back over on the
couch.

“
Please tell me what
’
s going
on,
”
I
beg.

Without even turning around she said,
“
My secret was
I
’
m pregnant. I was happy to tell you. I thought
you
’
d be happy. You ruined this day for me. I
won
’
t remember how happy I was when I found out I was
pregnant, all I
’
ll remember now is
how worthless you made me feel about it.
”

A
baby. My Sunshine is pregnant. Wow. I
’
m so happy knowing
I
’
m going to be a father, but sad knowing what I did to
hurt her.

“
A baby, Love.
Wow. We
’
re going to have a baby
together,
”
I say touching the small of her back.

She jerked away from me.

“
Please don
’
t touch me. Yes,
I
’
m going to have a baby and so are you. But know this,
it won
’
t be together. I would never keep the baby away from
you. You can be there as much or as little as you want. But know
that I will never put myself in the position to feel how you made
me feel earlier today. Never,
”
she said
matter-of-factly.

I should had expected her to say
that. If it was me I probably would have said that and so much
more.

“
Will
you please just listen to me. I love you. I want to be in your
life,
”
I
say.

She
slowly turns to me oddly calm and says,
“
Ok I
’
ll give you one
chance. Tell me what you and your Mom were arguing
about.
”

She
looks at me with a smug look on her face, like she won. Like she
knew that I wasn
’
t going to tell her.
I didn
’
t want to. But I knew I had to tell her if I ever want
to have a lasting relationship with her. That is if she ever would
forgive me for what I was about to tell her.

I
swallow deep and began with the crushing story,
“
Well after we um had our
argument earlier, I left the office to have a drink at a bar; and
after many many drinks the bartender called the first person that
came up in my contacts. She helped me home and into the bed. Well
she um she when I woke up she was on top of me.
”

She
kind of cringed at that. Then asked me,
“
How, why? How could you
do that when you say you love me? I mean I know we had an argument
and all, but that was less than a few hours
later.
”

All of
the sudden a look of horror crossed her face, and she looked
straight at me and asked,
“
And who was the
person.
”

But from the look on her face I
think she already knew.

“
Rachel,
”
I said. Those words stung as they came
out.

“
How
could you do that? You said you were done with her. When I saw her
I had a feeling that you would go back to her one day.
She
’
s absolutely beautiful. So much prettier than me. Wait
how is it Rachel? Her name starts with R,
”
she says looking at me
incredulously.

“
Well
I guess I forgot to erase it from when her and I were together; and
well her number was under the heading #1,
”
I say then sit back
waiting for her to flip out.

But
she didn
’
t. She had a soul crushed look on her face, and
quietly turned back around and cried into the couch. When I say she
cried, I mean she cried. She cried so hard that she started heaving
through the sobs.

“
Mrs.
Callahan, Mrs. Callahan, please I need you,
”
Sunshine cried out to
my mom.

It
hurt that she didn
’
t feel like she could
ask me for help when I was sitting right here next to her. I know I
hurt her deep; and from the looks of things I
don
’
t think that she will ever forgive
me.

My mom came running into the room.
She looked at me with an accusatory look then down at Sunshine
laying on the couch.

“
Honey what
’
s
wrong,
”
my mom says sitting down on the edge of the couch beside
Sunshine.

“
I
think I
’
m about to be sick again,
”
she says still
crying.

My mom hushes her.

“
Sunshine Darling, you have to calm down. You
haven
’
t eaten anything for some time now. If you
don
’
t calm down you are going to throw up again. Since you
haven
’
t eaten anything its going to hurt a lot worse.
I
’
ll be forced to take you to the hospital for them to
take a look at you, if you keep getting sick like
this.
”

She
looked at my mom, then she nodded her head yes, and
whispered,
“
Ok,
I
’
ll try.
”

She
made room for my mother, who sat on the couch and cradled and
rocked her as she tried calming down. My mother began to hum this
song she used to sing to us when we were younger.
Sunshine
’
s eyes began to droop, and soon after she was
fast asleep. I had a new found love for my mother and for Sunshine.
I am so blessed to have a loving and caring mother like I do.
It
’
s so amazing how she takes care of everyone. She has
such a gentle soul. Sunshine reminds me so much of her, in that
way. I hate that she is hurting because of me.

“
Mom,
how can I fix this,
”
I ask, not knowing what to do to make things
right.

She gently lays Sunshine down on the
couch and turns to face me.

“
Honey, all I can say is be there for her whenever she needs
you. She is hurting very badly. It
’
s going to take some
time for her to heal; so be patient and don
’
t give up. I
know she still loves you,
”
my mom says hugging me
tightly.

My mom
got up and left after that. I sank down into the soft carpet beside
the couch and just stared at her beautiful face. She looked so
peaceful right now. I wish that I can keep it that way. I have to
figure out how I
’
m going to fix this.
I need her, and now that I found out that she is having my child; I
am even more desperate to make her see how much I need her. I love
her so much. It hurts to think that I won
’
t wake up next
to her everyday. I can
’
t believe I hurt her
like this.

Chapter 9
(Sunshine)

Everything was a blur, after the day I found out that I was
pregnant. I was completely crushed at what happened that day. I
never dreamed that Ryan would react the way that he did; and then
to go and have sex with Rachel. Oh how stupid I was. I should have
known that I would never be enough for him. That he never wanted
anything but sex from me. But I loved him, and I truly felt that he
loved me. All those wonderful moments that we shared together
couldn
’
t have been a lie. Could they have
been?

“
Miss
McTiernan, the doctor will see you now,
”
a giddy nurse says
waking me from my thoughts.

I plaster a fake smile on my face
and slowly follow her into the cold and unfriendly waiting
room.

She checks my blood pressure, heart
rate, and takes a little blood. Then say tells me that the doctor
would be in, in a few moments; as she smiles and shuts the door as
she leaves out the room.

Hu
mm
m. I
’
m trying to hold on for the sake of my child, but
its getting harder everyday. I
’
ve been trying to get
over Ryan, but I can
’
t. It kills me
everyday when I see him knowing he slept with someone else, that he
really didn
’
t love
me.

I went
back to work soon after everything happened with him and I. I felt
like everyone knew what happened, because everyone was staring and
whispering as soon as I waked in the door. I few people asked me
what was wrong. I made up some lamed excuse about having a stomach
virus. Hoping that would keep them off my back about how I looked,
or if they happened to see me running to throw up. I
don
’
t know how long I thought that would work, but I ran
with it.

Ryan
would come everyday like clock work and ask me how I was doing, or
did I need anything. At first I didn
’
t say anything to him
at all. But when my first doctor
’
s appointment came
along, and I told Mrs. Callahan about it; when he came up to me
that morning and asked me if I needed a ride to the appointment I
said yes. I don
’
t know why I said
yes, but I did. I could see a look of relief wash over his face
when I said yes. It was good to know that he wanted to be involved
with his child. I just had to let him know that it
wasn
’
t about him and I, it was about the baby. His face
looked sad and defeated as soon as the words left my lips. I almost
told him I was sorry, but I didn
’
t. We went to the
appointment, never really saying much. Only what absolutely needed
to be said. Things went on like this for months. I should have been
happy that he was giving me my space. I was at first, because I
called myself still being mad at him. But as the months went by and
he started coming to see me less and less at work; and he began to
be later and later to the doctor visits. I knew that I was still in
love with him, that I needed him in my life. I was just to scared
to tell him. For fear that he would hurt me again; and now I think
its too late. I
’
m sitting here in the
doctor
’
s office 8 months pregnant. My belly is swollen beyond
belief and Ryan is nowhere in sight. I
’
m crushed that he
isn
’
t here with me.