Rules of the Game (13 page)

There are three traits a successful indirect opener should possess: It should appear spontaneous, be motivated by curiosity, and be interesting to most people.

There are also many subtleties. Never begin by asking a question that requires a yes or no response. If you say, “Can I ask you a quick question?” the group can always answer, “No.” Then you're stuck.

Instead, begin with a statement, such as an observation, “You guys look like experts,” or a request for assistance: “Help me settle a quick debate” or “Let me get your take on this.” Then pause briefly to make sure you have everyone's attention, and continue.

Even when you ask your actual question, it's not necessary to get an answer. Pause for a moment, and if no one fills in the silence with an opinion, continue with your story.

Don't begin the opener by saying “I'm sorry,” “Excuse me,” or “Pardon me, but.” Sure, your family raised you to be polite, but starting a conversation this way makes you sound insecure at best and like a panhandler at worst. Where men are initially attracted to beauty, most women are initially attracted to status. And a man of high status never apologizes for his presence.

The most widely used kind of indirect opener I've come up with is the opinion opener, in which you ask a group for advice on a personal story. A well camouflaged opinion opener can still evoke ten minutes of excited responses—which are also ten minutes you can use to showcase your humor and personality.

An easy opener for beginners is the “shady friend opener,” which was based on a girl I dated. One bonus with this routine is that it can help you ascertain if the girl you're interested in is too jealous to seriously date.

Here's a word-for-word script. It was originally created in bars and clubs, so if you're out by yourself during the day, instead of pointing to a friend in the room, pretend you just got off the phone with him.

If you're talking to a group, make sure you ask all the members—even the men—for their opinions. No one should be excluded, because if they are, they'll feel slighted or get bored—and could influence the group to shut you out.

Most important, as you deliver this or any other opener, remember that it's not the exact words that matter—it's your attitude. The opener is used only to
break the ice and get the group's attention. It contains no magic formula that will make a woman swoon at your feet. It's just a way to keep your mouth moving while you display your charming personality.

A good opener will naturally lead to other questions and topics of conversation.

Often, you'll be asked for your take on the dilemma you've asked about. Make sure you have one. If you're normally a sarcastic or negative person, this world-view may create a bond with some women, but it rarely creates attraction. I know because I used to be that way, until I discovered that one of the keys to drawing people to you—and making them want to stay there—is radiating positivity.

This is why it's best to draw openers from your own life. If the opener is about someone in college, you should know what college it is. If it's about someone in another country, you should know what country it is. Determine in advance the ages, professions, relationships, and other details of the people in the openers you use. If you deliver the opener correctly, she will most likely be curious and ask follow-up questions. So be prepared.

But don't overprepare. You'll come up with plenty of clever responses to common questions, related topics to discuss, and interesting details in the moment. For example, if you're using the shady friend opener, and it elicits a flurry of conflicting opinions, you may find yourself saying, with a bemused smile, “You guys are great. You're just like
The View.”

However, beware of a common beginner mistake: milking the opener. As soon as the energy starts to flag, or you catch yourself thinking too hard of something to say to continue the conversation, the opener is over. Cut the thread and move on.

You'll learn exactly what to say next in future Challenge assignments, but for now just remember: As soon as you start struggling to keep a dying conversation topic going, you may as well be asking “How about some dick?”

Now that you're learning scripted material, it's important to remember the rule of trying:
Don't
. If you try hard, you die hard.

As soon as you're caught trying to impress her, trying to get validation, trying
for attention, or trying too hard in any way, the game is over. One of the paradoxes of the game is that it takes a lot of effort to appear effortless.

While it's possible that in the future certain routines and lines in this book may become well known, the principles upon which they work have always been and will always be true. So feel free at any point to go to www.stylelife.com/challenge to learn new and proven openers created by Challengers and coaches.

As you become more advanced, you'll find yourself relying less on pre-scripted openers. You'll eventually be able to go out with friends and challenge one another to come up with the most ridiculous opening lines possible. And as long as your attitude is upbeat, non-needy, empathic, and positive, you'll discover that you can do no wrong.

Tomorrow you'll learn the two keys to avoiding most things that can go wrong during an opener.

For now, just remember that whatever happens during the opener is feedback. A rejection is not a comment on you but on your technique.

If a woman tells you that she has a boyfriend (and you haven't asked), it means she thought you were hitting on her. If she says she has to go to the bathroom, it means you made her uncomfortable. Adjust your future approaches based on these responses and develop answers that will transform common objections into attraction-building material. For example, if she accuses you of using a pickup line, you can respond, “You thought I was hitting on you? That's cute, but I don't think you could handle me.”

Whatever you do, always remember the golden rule: You must open.

If you don't approach, you'll never know whether that stranger could have become a girlfriend, a casual fling, a good friend, or even a career opportunity. Almost every student I've talked with has regrets about not approaching a girl. But few have ever regretted making an approach, no matter what happened.

The pain of letting yourself down is much greater than anything someone else can say.

As soon as you approach a group of strangers, they generally think two things: “What does this person want from me?” and “How long is he going to stay here?”

One of the strategies of the game is anticipating and defusing these objections—and any objections—before they happen. If you do this successfully in the first minute or two of your approach, you'll be much less likely to receive negative or flat responses.

If a woman doesn't know why you're talking to her, she'll generally be suspicious until she either finds out from you or guesses her own reason. This is why people using opinion openers for the first time are often asked if they're taking a survey.

To anticipate the question “What does this person want from me?” you need to “root” your opener by giving your question a legitimate context.

For example, the opener may be something that's just now come up in your life, and there's a slightly urgent need to get an answer immediately.

The best way to convey this is to explain at some point during the opener why you're asking. You can use the following words to introduce your root: “The reason I'm asking is because…”

In the shady friend opener, the reason you're asking is that your buddy just moved in with his girlfriend, and she doesn't want him to talk to one of his female
friends. And you were just now trying to give him advice, but he won't listen and you need some backup.

The root doesn't always need to be elaborate. It can be as simple as: “My friend and I were just talking, and we need a woman's perspective.” If you're not with a friend, then it can be a discussion you were just having on your cell phone. Anything reasonable qualifies as a root, as long as it lets the woman or group know why you walked up and started talking to them about that particular subject at that very moment.

For most inexperienced men, the game consists of approaching a woman and trying to stay in constant conversation until she either dismisses him or sleeps with him. Because of this, women have developed a vast array of tactics to get rid of guys who lurk too long.

This is why, from now on, you're going to let her know right away that you're not one of those guys. Unless she's already attracted to you, from the minute you approach she will most likely be wondering how to get rid of you. Her strategies for doing so may include telling you she's in the middle of an important conversation with her friends, claiming she has to go to the bathroom, or pretending that she has a boyfriend or is a lesbian.

So to anticipate the question “How long is he going to stay here?” you'll need to use a time constraint.

A time constraint is anything that explicitly lets the woman or group know that you don't plan on hanging around long. It should be inserted in the first minute of conversation, before the group has the chance to wonder when your story is going to end. So preface the opener you've been using with a time constraint like, “I have to get back to my friend in a minute, but, really quickly…” Or, in the middle of your opener, explain, “By the way, it's guys night out and I shouldn't even be talking to you all.”

A time constraint doesn't have to be verbal. It can be physical as well. This is conveyed by leaning away, rocking on your back foot, taking a few steps away as you're talking, or anything else that makes it look like you're in a hurry or on your way somewhere else.

The best time constraints contain both elements: They're expressed verbally and sold through body language.

When you use both a time constraint and a root, it allows the woman or group to stop worrying about what you want and how to get rid of you, and relax enough to listen to what you have to say.

But wait, you may be thinking. If you just told her you have to leave in a minute, how are you supposed to keep talking to her after the opener?

Good question.

The next key stage of the interaction is known as the “hook point.” This is when, instead of being a stranger taking up her time, you've captivated her—and suddenly she doesn't want you to leave. So, reluctantly, you allow her to take up a little more of your precious time.

Becoming that guy is what the next week of the Stylelife Challenge is all about.