Rules of the Game (15 page)

It's not the having, it's the getting
.
—
ELIZABETH TAYLOR

I recently went to a party in Colorado with six friends. Three of the guys spent the night with women; three didn't. As we discussed it the next morning, we discovered that the difference between the unsuccessful guys and the successful guys boiled down to one thing: lack of neediness.

The guys who went home alone were too available. The successful guys all played hard to get. They weren't afraid to walk away from the woman they were attracted to, talk to other people at the party, and create the impression that if she didn't act soon, she'd lose her chance. They understood a basic tenet of human nature: The harder we have to work for something, the more we value it.

Thus the lesson for today: In every interaction, be the person
giving
validation, not the one needing it.

One of the quickest and most playful ways to accomplish this is through disqualification. To disqualify a woman, demonstrate early in an interaction that you're not interested in her. Even though you may be chasing her, disqualification turns the tables and makes her want to chase you. For example, telling a woman with blonde hair that for some reason you've only dated brunettes disqualifies her as a potential girlfriend.

If the concept sounds odd, consider this: Beautiful women are constantly approached by men. They assume that nearly every guy wants to sleep with them. So when you take yourself out of the dating pool in a confident way, you immediately stand out—after all, most people want what they can't have.

Another advantage is that disqualifying a woman in a group can help you win over her friends, who are used to repelling the steady stream of men vying for her attention.

Finally, disqualification helps build trust because it demonstrates that you're not solely motivated by the desire to sleep with her. By waiting before showing interest, you give her an opportunity to win you over with her charm, personality, and intelligence.

Not every relationship requires disqualification. Sometimes the feelings are mutual, and two people are attracted to each other right away. Also, if you're dealing with a woman whose confidence in her appeal is very low, you may want to avoid teasing her, since she's constantly disqualifying herself in her mind anyway.

Once you get comfortable using disqualifiers, you'll realize that they're not such a foreign, complex, counterintuitive concept at all, but in fact the bedrock of flirting.

Most disqualifiers are meant to be playful. Others are used to demonstrate that you have high standards and won't date or sleep with just anyone. However, a disqualifier should never be hostile, critical, judgmental, or condescending. There's a fine line between flirting and hurting. And disqualification is never intended to be mean or insulting. So say these with a smile on your face and laughter in your voice, as if you were good-naturedly picking on a younger sibling.

Women test men. They do so for many reasons: because they want to select the best potential mate from among many suitors; because they've been hurt in the past and don't want to make the same mistakes again; because they want confirmation that you authentically possess the qualities that attract them. Throughout your interactions with most women, whether they're consciously aware of it or not, they're putting you on the spot to see how you'll react.

These tests range from flirtatious teasing (such as telling a man he's too young or too old for her) to serious interview questions (such as asking a man why he and his last girlfriend broke up). Men normally sit there answering the questions like they're on a game show, hoping that if they accumulate enough points, she'll choose them. What they don't realize is that they're losing points simply by submitting to the test.

Screening allows you to flip the script and see if the woman you're interested in meets
your
standards. Before doing this, it's important to know exactly what your standards are.

Take a moment to imagine your ideal woman. Then list below five specific criteria you would like her to possess. Consider such qualities as personality, looks, upbringing, values, interests, knowledge, and life experience.

1.
 

2.
 

3.
 

4.
 

5.
 

Now list five deal breakers. Qualities that might prevent you from dating someone could include manipulativeness, narcissism, smoking, drinking, drug use, jealousy, pets you're allergic to, and emotional baggage.

1.
 

2.
 

3.
 

4.