Rules of the Game (11 page)
Authors: Neil Strauss
These mental exercises are best done just after waking up or before going to sleep, because that's when your subconscious is most open to changework. By repeating this exercise as often as possible, you'll get to the point where you automatically reject the negative images your limiting mind tries to throw at you before each approach.
One of the biggest problems men have with approaching women is magnifying the meaning of the interaction and focusing too intently on achieving one specific outcomeâwhether it be exchanging phone numbers, making out, having sex, or beginning a romantic relationship.
Emotionally detaching from the outcomeâwhile rationally working toward your goalâwill significantly alleviate your anxiety. This is why the Stylelife Challenge offers small, easy-to-accomplish goals rather than large, unlikely ones.
People can be random, unpredictable, chaotic creatures. And sometimes you may truly be surprised. That's why approaching is so much fun. So why constrain the possibilities of a new encounter by being dependent on a particular outcome?
The word
failure
has different meanings for different people. To most people, failure means approaching and being rejected. My definition of failure is quitting, giving up, or never approaching at all.
Rejection
is another word that's been misused and misrepresented. The dictionary definition of
reject
is “to refuse to accept.” So if you offer someone a stick of gum, and she says “No thanks,” you've been rejected. Do you feel an emotional sting? Probably not.
If you invite someone to a social event, and she says “No thanks,” it shouldn't be any different. But for most people it is different, and here's why: When the gum is rejected, we think the person doesn't want the gum. But when we extend an invitation and get rejected, we think she doesn't want us.
But how could she possibly have decided she doesn't want us? She's known us only for a short while. She's practically a complete stranger. She doesn't know how great we are, the way our friends and family do. Why do we value her opinion over theirs? Why do we attach so much emotional baggage to a virtual stranger's ill-formed opinion? You guessed it: the limiting mind.
If, after reading this, you still have a crippling fear of social rejection, then go out and try to get rejected. Every accomplished social artist I know has a ton of rejections under his belt. That's simply the price you have to pay for excellence.
To quote Michael Jordan, “I've missed more than nine thousand shots in my career. I've lost almost three hundred games. Twenty-six times, I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
After a few rejections, you'll see that it's not so bad, that rejection really has nothing to do with who you are. It's more like somebody flicking you in the shoulder with a finger. You know it happened, but it doesn't hurt you or really even bother you. It's actually just immature and embarrassing on their part.
I took a student out once and tried to get us rejected to help him past his fears. But a funny thing happened: My plan backfired, and I wasn't rejected at all. The conversation went something like this:
ME:
Hey! How are you doing? Could you blow us out? We need to get blown out.
THEM:
Huh? What's that?
ME:
Oh, that's when a couple of guys roll up and you're in some mood, so you're totally rude and don't wanna talk, and you tell the guys toâ
THEM
[
INTERRUPTING
]: Oh, we're not rude. Not at all!
We ended up having a pleasant conversation for forty-five minutes, after which we exchanged contact information. The exercise was supposed to demonstrate that blow-outs are pain free, but it ended up teaching a different lesson: that you can open by saying almost anything when you're confident, congruent, and upbeat.
Feel free to prove it to yourself. Next time you see someone you want to talk to, open your mouth and say the first thing that comes to mind. As long as your comment or question isn't rude or hostile, you may be surprised by how difficult it is to get solidly rejected.
After trying this a few times, you'll also notice that everyone's responses vary. Then you can adjust your attitude to expect nothing and prepare for everything. Or, as the poet Samuel Hazo puts it:
Expect everything, and anything seems nothing.
Expect nothing, and anything seems everything
.
DID YOU COMPLIMENT FOUR WOMEN?
DID YOU SHOP FOR NEW CLOTHES?
DID YOU CREATE YOUR MISSION STATEMENT,
DO THE POSTURE EXERCISE, GET MOVIE RECOMMENDATIONS
FROM THREE STRANGERS?
IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS, THEN
PROCEED TO THE NEXT PAGE.
IF YOU HAVEN'T ACTUALLY BEEN DOING THE MISSIONS
BUT JUST READING TO GET THE INFORMATION,
THEN DO NOT PROGRESS PAST THIS PAGE UNTIL YOU CAN
ANSWER YES TO THE QUESTIONS ABOVE.
READING THIS WORKBOOK STRAIGHT THROUGH
IS LIKE GOING TO THE GYM TO WATCH TELEVISION.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO IMPROVE
IF YOU DON'T DO THE EXERCISES.
MISSION 1:Learn to Open
Your first lesson today: There is no such thing as a pickup line.
If there were a single sentence that magically made women fall in love or lust, every man would be using it. Most of what people call pickup lines are actually comedic one-liners that were never legitimately used to meet women in the first place.
What does exist is a specific sequential process that can be used to develop a romantic or sexual relationship with a woman.
And this process begins with the opener, perhaps the most important part of the interaction.
Your task is to turn to your Day 7 Briefing and read the field guide to openers before beginning the next mission.
Prepare Your Opener
Your mission is to develop an original opener based on today's briefing.
The simplest way to generate an opener is to think about anything you're curious about, want to learn, or are confused about. Choose a topic that is likely to capture the interest of most people. It can be a meaningful, debate-inspiring subject based on a relationship or spiritual crisis, or it can be a specific, trivial subject based on a popular culture, travel, health, or social customs query.
Then, instead of asking a friend about the subject or looking up the information on the internet, use it as a reason to talk to other people. For example, if you can't remember who sings a certain popular song, make it your mission when you leave the house today to ask strangers until you get a correct answer.
If your friend's girlfriend tried to kiss you, and you don't know whether to tell him or not, by all means, get some advice from the woman in the street.
Even unlikely questions can be effective openers as long as they're genuine. For example, I was having a debate with a friend one day over the names of the oceans. So, rather than seek the immediate gratification of Google, we made it our opener for the night: “Hey, how good were you at high school geography? Okay, how many continents are there? Right, seven. And how many oceans? Okay, five. So here's the question: What are the five oceans? My friend and I have been stuck on this all day. We can only come up with four.”
As ridiculous as it sounds, it started a conversation every time.
Although today's briefing mentions different types of openers, for this task, focus on indirect openers that don't convey sexual or romantic interest. Make sure your attitude about whatever you ask is positive and that you avoid discussing anything that might reflect badly on you, such as creepy topics like serial killers or insecure questions about yourself.
Test Your Opener
Get groomed, get dressed, and get excited. Your mission today is to approach three different womenâor groups that include womenâand deliver either an opener you've invented or one you read in today's material. You may approach in the street, at a café or bar, in the mall, in an office waiting room, or wherever you choose.
It isn't necessary to continue the conversation afterward, but feel free to do so if it's going well. When the discussion comes to a natural close, exit with a simple line: “Thanks. Nice meeting you,” for example.
It is not necessary to have three successful interactions; just three approaches. Tomorrow we'll add a few extra pieces that will greatly increase the success and effectiveness of your openers.
Evaluate Your Approaches
In the space below, make a list of the approaches you did today.
If any went well, write down the reasons you believe they worked. If any went poorly, make a note of why you believe they weren't successful.
Approach #1:
Approach #2:
Approach #3:
