Pulled (23 page)

He remained silent as I voiced al my fears, regrets, and anger.

He groaned as I finished. “I’m so pissed at you right now, Daniel.” He sat back and rocked in his black leather chair, tenting his fingers. “You know this is completely your fault, and I’m in no way excusing this, but it sounds like you’re probably right.”

He leaned forward, tilting his head as he raised an eyebrow. “So, what are you going to do? You’re going to be a father, Daniel. You are responsible for this baby, you know, even if this Vanessa did try to trap you.”

“I know. I just...this wasn’t supposed to happen. It used to be the thing I wanted most, and now...it was only supposed to be with Melanie.” I felt so guilty. I should be ecstatic right now; sitting here with the woman I loved, tel ing my family we were having a baby. Without Melanie that wasn’t possible.

I was reluctant to get back up and face the rest of my family, but I couldn’t hide in Dad’s office al night. I opened the door and halted when I found Mom leaning against the opposite wal , tears staining her face.

“I’m so sorry to disappoint you, Mom.”

She shook her head. “No, Daniel. You never could. I always knew you’d be a wonderful father.” Could my heart break any more? Mom was tel ing me I was going to be a wonderful father, and I couldn’t even stand the thought of it. I didn’t respond, but forced a tight smile, which I was sure was more of a grimace, before I left her and walked down the hal .

Dinner was tense. Nobody knew what to say to me.

Erin final y broke the tension.

“Um, guys, this feels kind of inappropriate right now, but I have some good news. I got the transfer I wanted, and I’l be moving here next month!”

Real joy lit my face and heart. For the first time in ten years, my entire family would live in the same city. Mom was so happy I couldn’t help but forget the problems I was faced with right then.

And Melanie—It was like everyone I loved was being drawn back to me.

I looked across to Dad who smiled widely at me, and I returned the same to him. Yeah, I’d disappointed him, but we’d be okay. I swore to myself right then that I’d never do anything to jeopardize his trust again.

Erin quirked an eyebrow at me as she caught the grin on my face. I shrugged. How could I explain to her what I was feeling right now? I didn’t even know, but for the first time, it wasn’t the complete hopelessness that had fil ed me every single day for the last nine years.

The conversation became loud and excited as they talked about Erin’s move and where she planned to live. Erin hoped to find a smal place she could afford near our parents, and she and Mom started making plans to shop for a house.

It occurred to me then that I hadn’t even told Dad about the building. It was crazy how something that had been so consuming less than two days before hadn’t even entered my mind since I signed those papers last night.

“Oh, I can’t believe I forgot to tel you. I signed a contract last night with Borel i & Preston Contractors for the building. We should be able to break ground in the next two months.” Dad looked at me as if he was proud of me once again, and I was thankful this was something I hadn’t messed up.

I looked around the table at my family, their faces fil ed with joy, and I couldn’t help but feel it was a—good day. Did I real y feel that? I didn’t think I had the ability to feel good about something, but I did. I met Erin’s stare across the table, and a mil ion questions ran across her face.

She stood up, grabbing her plate. “Why don’t you guys go for a walk? Daniel and I are doing dishes.” She smiled sweetly at me, a gleam in her eye.

I fol owed her lead, gathering the rest of the dishes, and trailed her into the kitchen. Erin leaned against the island, arms crossed over her chest.

“Spil it.”

I furrowed my brow at her as I walked past, placing the dishes in the sink. “What are you talking about, Erin?”

“Oh, don’t give me that, Daniel. Something’s up. I haven’t seen you this happy or happy at al , I should say, in nine years. And I’d venture to say this happiness isn’t related to the news you just dropped on us a couple of hours ago.”

I turned to face her, once again thankful she knew me so wel . “Erin, I can’t believe I got myself into this situation.” I ran my hands through my hair, trying not to get upset. “What am I supposed to do? This girl completely screwed me.”

She scowled at me. “No, Daniel, I’m pretty sure it’s
you
who screwed
her
.” Wel , damn. I could always confide in Erin, but she never hesitated to set me straight, either.

“I told you you’d end up getting yourself into trouble with this lifestyle. Your whole no-strings-attached doesn’t always end up working out in real life. You should have known it was going to catch up to you one day.” She fel quiet and looked at her feet, suddenly appearing uncomfortable.

“Are you scared?” She took the couple of steps to come beside me, leaning on one elbow so she could look at me.

“I can’t even think about a baby—or that one, at least.” I hung my head. After losing Eva, I just could never feel the same. “So yeah, I am scared. Scared I’l never love him. It’s so unfair to him, Erin. It’s not his fault. You know, I told her I wanted joint custody. It just came out my mouth, and I don’t even know why.”

“Don’t count yourself out quite yet, big brother. You might just surprise yourself.”

I wished she was right, but the only thing I felt was regret.

She nudged me with her shoulder, smirking up at me. “So, now that we’ve got the bad out of the way, tel what it is that has lit that fire in your eyes again. That flame’s been out for a long time now.”

I turned and gestured toward the sink. I dug my hands into the soapy water, and Erin grabbed a hand towel to dry. I started on the first plate and glanced down at Erin, giving her a smal smile. “You know how I signed those papers last night?” She nodded. “Wel , it’s with a company Borel i & Preston Contractors. I met with them at a restaurant to go over their proposal, and they brought their wives.” She bit her lip and narrowed her eyes, unsure of where I was going with this story. It was absolutely
not
what she was thinking, while at the same time, it was
exactly
what she was thinking.

Shit.
It real y was complicated.

I handed her a plate to dry and started on another.

“Erin, she was there. One of the wives,” I said as I looked directly at her, “was Melanie.”

Her face paled as the plate she was drying slipped through her fingers, shattering against the marble floor.

“What?” she croaked, shock written on her face.

Her breathing quickened and escalated out of control as the pain she’d repressed al these years came to the surface.

“Daniel, Melanie found you?” she rasped out, her hand digging into my arm as tears started to rol down her cheeks. “What happened? What did you say to her? Is she okay? Is she happy?” Questions poured from her, each one coming faster than the last. Erin’s heart had been broken too; when Melanie had left, Erin had lost her best friend and the only sister she’d known. Stil , Erin had never stopped loving her.

I brought her to my chest, holding her to me. “Can you believe it? Melanie is here in Chicago. I can’t even explain how I felt last night, sitting across from her. I could stil feel her, Erin. That power.” I felt her nod into my chest.

Erin was the one person I could talk to openly about it; she was the one who helped us understand what it was in the first place. “It was like it had grown, like it had worked al these years to bring us to that very spot last night. She stil loves me, Erin. I know it...I could feel it. She wanted me.” I rocked her against me, not sure who was comforting who. “I’ve never been so confused. I always believed she found someone better, someone who could make her happy since I couldn’t do that. But her face…she was anything but happy.” I pul ed back, searching Erin’s face, trying to make her understand. “She was just like me.” Erin tensed and her body shook against me.

“You!” She pounded on my chest with her fists, rubbing her nose in my shirt at the same time. “So fucking stupid, Daniel.” I tried to restrain her as she continued to beat her hands against me. She cried again and again, “So stupid, so stupid!”

“Erin, stop. Please!” She was kil ing me, breaking my heart al over again.

“No, Daniel. I’ve kept this in for too long, and I’m done! I’m done sitting aside while you blame yourself for something that wasn’t your fault, done keeping secrets that only hurt the people I love!” she screamed, her fists bal ed in my shirt as she unleashed her anger on me.

“What the hel are you talking about, Erin?”

“You let her go, Daniel! That’s what I’m talking about! You made me promise to never contact my best friend, my sister!”

“You know why I had to do that, Erin! She didn’t want me anymore. You would have run after her to try to change her mind. You would have made her feel guilty for leaving. I wanted her to live the life that
she
wanted, to have a chance to be happy. I couldn’t stand in the way of that, and you running after her definitely would have!” How could Erin blame me for wanting Melanie to be happy? Every day I had wanted to find her. But if being away from me was the one thing that made her happy, that was the one thing I could give her.

She screamed. “Right there, Daniel! Right there!

Where in that screwed up head of yours would you get the idea Melanie didn’t love you anymore? That she didn’t want you?”

“Oh, I don’t know, Erin, maybe when I kil ed our daughter!” Anger rol ed off me as I hovered over her, my hands in fists at my side.

“She never blamed you, Daniel!” she yel ed back.

“It wasn’t your fault!”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Erin.” Erin kicked pieces of the shattered plate across the floor, making me jump back.

“Daniel, I’ve kept this in for nine years. Nine fucking years!” She sobbed as she held her stomach with one arm. “I made promises to both of you, and I should have broken them a long time ago. Al they did was ruin your lives, both of you trying to protect the other. You were both fools, and I was a fool to agree!”

She was scaring me.

“Erin, please, what are you saying?”

She looked me straight in the eye. “She never blamed you, Daniel.” Her cries ceased, and she spoke softly. “She was protecting you. Her parents threatened that if she didn’t go back to Dal as with her mom, they...they’d have you arrested. It broke her heart to leave, Daniel. She was crushed. She made me promise to never tel you because she knew you’d go straight to her father. At that time she was terrified of him, Daniel, terrified of what he would do to you.”

What? Her parents did this to us? How could they?

Erin bit her lip and averted her gaze as if in guilt.

“And...and she kept making these comments.” She looked up at me, her expression tortured. “She said maybe she wasn’t good enough for you, and she needed to give you time to decide.

My knees went weak, and I reached to Erin for support.

She didn’t blame me? Al of these years, I’d always believed what everyone had insisted wasn’t true.

Erin was right—I was a fool.

“Why then, Erin? Why, when I went after her, had she married somebody else? Why?” I begged, praying she knew.

“I don’t know, Daniel.” We sank to the floor, clutching each other, our anger released and washed away, now replaced with questions and what-ifs. “That’s why I was so angry that you wouldn’t let me go to her. I always knew we were missing something, and the only person who could answer that question was Melanie.”

Al these years, everything I had believed was a lie

—a lie I had told myself.

I sat there on that cold floor with my baby sister clinging to my neck, tears streaming down my cheeks, and I forgave myself.

I let go of the blame I’d held onto for so long and just accepted it.

It wasn’t my fault.

The smel of coffee filtered through the kitchen. I stood in front of the pot, wil ing it to brew faster, my eyes heavy with fatigue.

The last three weeks had not been easy.

The foundation I’d built my life on for the past nine miserable years had been shaken, cracks rippling through the concrete. I had no idea what side I’d end up on when it final y broke apart.

I hadn’t come face to face with Daniel since that night, but I knew he was always near.

I could feel him, sense his eyes upon me in almost everything I did. My nerves bristled as I walked down the street, my body cal ing to him, begging to be touched.

I knew why he had to stay away. I’d never want to be that kind of person anyway, one who would break apart a family, a home. As badly as I wanted it, I would never be responsible for that. Yet, it didn’t stop me from driving by his office each day, hoping to catch just a glimpse of him, though I never did. And it definitely didn’t keep away the black car, barely visible from where it sat down the street. It was there in those moments when the weight of his presence nearly brought to my knees when the pul was too great to ignore. It was in those moments I almost didn’t care if it’d make me a bad person if I went to him, took him. Stil , I held back. I didn’t have room for one more regret in my life. So we loved each other from afar.