Once Broken (17 page)

“No, I might break her.” Tony let out a nervous chuckle.

Jackie lifted her daughter from the seat and perched her on her lap. Tony inspected Gina’s features. “Look at the size of those feet.” He touched them gingerly. “Anyone could tell she’s mine.”

Jackie knew he intended to be funny. But her sense of humor had been lost somewhere between labor and delivery. After the short visit, the couple went to Town Hall, where Tony signed the birth certificate. They drove home in silence.

*

Jackie’s days were filled with feedings, diapers, and cuddling; laundry, feedings, and cuddling; more diapers, and more cuddling. She sneaked a nap when she could. Determining the meaning of this cry and that whimper was nerve-racking. One worrisome false alarm followed the other. Most of all she craved a peaceful, long hot shower.

Finding an attorney to represent her in the child-support action was downright traumatic. Jackie was anchored in the righteousness of her situation, and stunned and outraged by the moral judgements and innuendoes of opinionated attorneys.

*

In a conversation with Tara, who had stopped in for a visit and coffee, Jackie shared her experiences with attorneys.

“I haven’t been able to find a female family lawyer. I don’t know why. But these guys are unbelievable and so quick to judge. It ticks me off. Men don’t wear scarlet letters. This one asshole listened to my story and then asked me what I planned to do the next time I got pregnant! I told him there wouldn’t be a next time. He said,” she mimicked his sarcasm, “‘There won’t be a next time; that’s what they all say.’ Then another asshole informed me that the law considers ‘bastard children lesser by the law,’” she mimicked again. “I went nuts on that guy. I mean, who the hell do these lawyers think they are? I said, ‘because her father is an irresponsible asshole, she’s less of a kid than someone whose father is responsible?’”

“That’s outrageous!”

“I know. So, where do I find a lawyer who’s professional enough to do the damned job and keep his or her damned opinion to themselves?”

“Jackie, keep looking. You’ll find a way.”

“I’ll tell you, it makes me want to be a lawyer. Women need an advocate.”

With a shake of her index finger, Tara said, “Now, there’s an idea. You’d make a great lawyer.”

“Maybe so. But how in the world do I get from here to law school? Let alone get through it.”

“Jackie, if there’s one thing I know about you it’s that if you want something bad enough, you’re unstoppable.”

“You’ve got more faith in me than I do in myself, my friend.”

*

Jackie’s maternity leave was ending, and she couldn’t afford full-time daycare on her salary. She brought Gina to visit Joe and her coworkers. She told Joe that she couldn’t afford to return to work but thanked him for his invaluable support during the most difficult days of her life.

She found a new attorney who struck a settlement with Tony. Tony would provide health insurance for Gina and pay $320 per month in child support. Jackie decided she’d cocktail waitress for supplemental cash. Lucille agreed to babysit since Gina would already be in bed before the shifts started at eight p.m.

Jackie looked forward to the weekly excursions with Anna, who took them both out to lunch. She had no money for such a luxury as dining out. It was a nice vacation if only for a few hours. And Gina basked in her grandmother’s affection.

Jackie was amazed by the overwhelming love a parent has for a child. Yet overwhelming love did not eradicate the rage she harbored toward Tony. Occasionally, she’d look at Gina wondering how in the world she’d answer the inevitable questions. Why doesn’t he love me Mommy? How come he doesn’t want to see me? People warned Jackie to never say anything bad about Tony. She considered that advice and decided it was wrong. If Gina believed her father was a wonderful man, she could only conclude that his absence must mean there’s something wrong with her. Gina’s self-esteem should not suffer because of her father’s abandonment. Jackie pledged to be as honest as possible with her daughter. But first she had to face her own delusion. She rocked her baby daughter in her arms and struggled to suppress the notion that someday he’d be back.

D
espite the joy of discovering Gina, Jackie was plagued with loneliness—the insignia of single parenthood. Doting fathers were everywhere—at the park, in the stores, and at restaurants. Jackie watched them push their kids on swings or comfort them in their arms after a fall. She’d wonder, as she held Gina,
why did my kid get so gypped?

April 1979

Gina celebrated her first birthday in their new apartment. Vic and Karen had bought a house with an in-law apartment, and allowed Jackie to rent it for the pittance she could afford. The galley kitchen was tiny, but it had everything Jackie needed. The living room/dining room area had a third-hand kitchen table with four recently glued chairs. She furnished the living area with an old end table that held an ancient 10″ black-and-white television. A twin mattress and frame from Lucille’s attic served as a makeshift sofa. Tara’s mother had donated a queen-size bed for Jackie. A large closet became Gina’s bedroom.

During her first year, Gina learned to say “mama,” like all little kids. But unlike the majority of children, she had no need for the word “dada.”

April 1981

At age three, Gina was happy and well-adjusted. Jackie had survived the hardest years of her life. She wanted to put Gina in nursery school a few days a week, thinking it would be good for Gina and she’d be able to pick up more shifts at the restaurant. She sat at the kitchen table going over her finances. The child support and cocktail waitress income barely covered her small rent, food, lights, phone, heat, and car expenses. How could she afford nursery school? She remembered Anna telling her Tony had received a few raises and decided that Gina deserved a raise too.

She consulted her lawyer who reminded her that in Massachusetts the authority over child support in unwed situations remained in District Courts. He explained, “Essentially, the same person who slaps the hands of traffic violators and other misdemeanor offenders also slaps the hands of unwed fathers. If you receive twenty-five dollars a week, they’d consider you fortunate compared to other cases they see. I recommend that you call Tony yourself and ask for a raise. You’d make out better that way.” Noting the look of dread on Jackie’s face, her lawyer sighed. “Well, you could try the probation officer at the court who’s been handling the case up to now. He may be able to help you.” That option was much more palatable to Jackie.

The following day, with Gina in tow, Jackie went to the courthouse to see Mr. Manning, the probation officer. Jackie sat beside his gray metal desk and lifted Gina to her lap. He reiterated what she’d been told by the lawyer. “If you could get your case before the Probate and Family Court, it’d be different. Although changes are brewing, it’s not possible now. You should call Mr. Salvucci. He’s been cooperative with this department.”

Jackie groaned. “He may be cooperative with you, Mr. Manning. But I doubt he’ll cooperate with me.”

“Isn’t it worth a try?”

“He’s so unpredictable, but I’ll consider it.” Jackie tried to conceal her dejection. “Come on, honey,” she said, lifting Gina off her lap. They walked across the basement space where the probation officers worked. The only sound was the tapping of Gina’s Stride Rite shoes. Just before they reached the door, Gina bellowed, “Did we sue the bastard, Mama?” Stopping in her tracks, Jackie turned a bright crimson. Laughter erupted. She quickly ushered Gina through the doorway.

May 1981

One beautiful May day, when Ashley was three years old and Gina turned two, Jackie and Vic took them to the park in Jackie’s Caprice. From the back seat, Ashley called, “Daddy!”

Vic turned to answer his daughter. “What, Ashley?”

“I need a pop,” Ashley demanded.

“Me too, Daddy,” Gina added.

Astounded, Jackie adjusted her rearview mirror so that she could see Gina. “Oh honey, Uncle Vic isn’t your daddy. He’s Ashley’s daddy, you silly girl.”

“Why?”

“Because an uncle can’t be a daddy too, silly.” Jackie smiled as if it were all a joke and dropped the issue.

Later that evening, Jackie searched for old pictures of Tony. “Come here honey. I want to show you something.” She sat Gina on her lap. “Honey, this is your daddy. His name is Tony. And because he’s your daddy, he sends you money every week for balloons and other fun things.” Jackie hesitated.
How meaningless
. Gina’s face reflected the same sentiment.

July 1981

Pondering the situation, Jackie raged against the unfairness. She considered calling Tony, but couldn’t imagine words actually coming out of her mouth. She felt safe writing a note, instead.

Tony,

Financially, times have been difficult. I hope you’ll consider increasing your child support payment by twenty dollars a week. Even that small amount would be much appreciated. Please consider it and write in response.

J.

Tony called a few days later. “Hi Jackie,” he said, his voice upbeat. “Got your note and I wanted to let you know that I called Mr. Manning and increased the child support payment to ninety dollars a week, starting Monday. I hope that helps.”

It took Jackie a moment to process Tony’s words. “Thank you Tony. That’s more than I asked for.” She considered motives for his generosity.

“It’s okay. After I read your letter, I thought about what I could afford. Sales are great and I expect it to remain that way. So, twenty-five dollars extra a week is affordable. And hey, it’s for a great cause. I know it’s not a ton of money, but I hope it helps.”

Still off balance, Jackie was honest. “Well, I don’t know what to say. That’s nice of you. I appreciate it.”

“Hey, don’t be too nice to me. You’ll ruin my image of myself.”

Suddenly they were talking. He asked about Gina and she shared some of the cute stories that every parent wants to share. Jackie hung up the phone feeling tenderness for him for the first time since she became pregnant.

She later explained it to Tara. “It’s like there’s no one else in the world who could see Gina the same way I do, except possibly Tony. That’s the thing that makes single parenthood so lonely. You don’t have that other person who loves your kid as much as you do.”

Later that evening, while Gina slept soundly and the house was quiet, Jackie put her feelings into a letter.

Dear Tony,

Something you said on the phone haunts me. You said, “Don’t be too nice to me. You’ll ruin my image of myself.” What a sad statement. Following are accumulated thoughts and feelings I have about all of us. I want to share them with you, hoping you might gain some peace and acceptance from them.

When I got pregnant, you made it clear that you didn’t want to be a father. Yet I made the decision to have and keep Gina. My decision cost you money, confusion, and embarrassment, all of which contradicted your image of yourself and your life. At that time, I didn’t care how you felt. But I bet that somewhere inside you, as much as you despised me for having this child, you knew I had that right. Just as I despised you for leaving, though I knew you had that right. If this is indeed how you felt, we had similar feelings from different perspectives.

I hope you know that I didn’t have Gina to control you or ruin your life. Gina was conceived even though I used birth control, and I have come to believe that she was not a mistake. She was our destiny. She’s an exceptional child in beauty, intelligence, warmth, and sensitivity. This seems to be the general consensus and not simply a biased mother’s viewpoint. So, although I’m raising her without your influence, you still influenced her basic qualities. You should be proud. She’s the most miraculous thing either of us has ever done.

I’ve come to realize that you’ve suffered scars, though not exactly the same as mine, similar in effect. I hope something in this letter will touch you. I’ve reached a point where I can forgive your absence. Whether or not you need me to, I need to forgive you. It is a huge relief to be able to move forward with my life without carrying the anger I’ve felt for so long now. I hope someday you can forgive me as well, so that you will also be free to move forward without the painful emotional baggage.

Take this letter for whatever it is worth. If it assists with your healing, as it has in mine, then it has served its purpose. I could tell from our phone conversation that you are curious about Gina. Please know that if you decide to see her, you are free to do so, without hesitation or complication from me.

Most sincerely,
J.

*

Absolution is such a powerful gift.

Tony phoned her the following week. “That letter was amazing, Jackie. It said everything I felt that I didn’t even know I felt. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Would you meet me for dinner? We have a lot to talk about. What do you say?”

*

Jackie entered the restaurant lobby wearing a royal-blue A-line dress, mid-calf length, complemented by black leather high-heeled boots and a pearl necklace and earrings, each item courtesy of Tara. Tony was waiting in the lobby. “Jackie, motherhood certainly agrees with you. You look fantastic!” Once seated, he continued, “I imagined you’d come through the door and blow me away with a submachine gun. I’d have deserved that you know.”

Tony’s demeanor brought her back to the days when she fell in love with him. “Maybe a year ago. But not now.”

“Well, thanks for coming. After what I’ve done most woman would’ve told me to screw.”

“What can I say? Curiosity got the best of me.” She shrugged off her own naïveté. Rifling through her purse, she pulled out a white envelope and handed it to Tony as the waitress appeared. “I brought pictures of Gina.”

He took the envelope. “Thanks! What are you drinking these days, Jackie?”

Addressing the waitress, she said, “A Black Russian, please?”

Tony ordered a draft beer, then flipped through the pictures. “Jackie, she’s so beautiful. Not just because she’s mine.” He handed the pictures back to her.