Once Broken (18 page)

“No, they’re yours, if you want them.”

“Great! Bragging pictures of my kid.” He smiled, tucking them in his breast pocket.

The waitress returned with their drinks and placed them on cocktail napkins before them. Grateful for something to fiddle with, Jackie stirred her drink.

“Hey, no cigarettes?”

“Nope. I quit when I was pregnant.”

“That must’ve been tough, you know, giving up your friends.”

“It was and it wasn’t. I felt so guilty smoking while I was pregnant and my boss came up with an effective deterrent.” She told him the water rifle story and they enjoyed a hearty laugh.

“So, what’s new?” Jackie prodded, hoping Tony would confirm that he and Carmella had broken up a few months back, as Anna had said.

“Jackie, look at me.” His intense blue eyes caught her haunting brown eyes. “Your letter was mind-blowing. It said all the things I wished I could’ve said.” He took the worn, folded letter out of his wallet to show her. “I’ve read it over and over.”

“I’m glad it helped. It was healing for me as well.”

“I want you to know that neither you nor Gina left my mind for a moment.”

Not knowing how to respond, she changed the subject. “So, how’s Carmella?”

“We broke up about six months ago, for good this time.” He paused, in thought. “That’s another thing I want you to know. You probably thought our relationship was great. Well let me tell you, it was never any good. She’s a psycho! But she was easier to deal with than you.”

Jackie choked on her drink. Clearing her throat, she said, “She’s a psycho, but easier to deal with than me? Should I be flattered?”

“That came out wrong. Geez Jackie, you and I were having a baby, and I wasn’t ready to deal with all that. I panicked. Carmella was an easy distraction and we had no real issues.”

“Marriage isn’t an issue?”

“Oh yeah, the marriage thing was. But I came to my senses before it was too late.” He shivered with the memory. “She’s nuts, I’m telling you.” He lowered his voice and leaned forward to share a confidence. “For starters, she was married before and, get this, it was annulled for mental illness on her part!”

“No way! You’re joking.” Jackie gasped, waiting for more.

“No joke. She’s a nutcase!” Tony leaned back in his chair. “Oh, the things I could tell you. Like, we’d be watching TV, right? And, a commercial comes on. The women in commercials, of course, are gorgeous. Carmella would start freaking out, yelling ‘is that the kind of woman you want?’ She’d have a fit because I happened to be looking in the direction of the TV while some woman was on the screen. Really Jackie, trust me when I say,
psy-cho
! And, my friends couldn’t stand her either. She’s such a snob.” He shook his head as the memory revived his revulsion. “Anyway, it’s over. Thank God! And, boy did she hate you! She’d ask me all the time if I thought she was prettier than you. She’d ask if she was a better lover than you. Oh, you have no idea.” He shuddered. “She wanted me to hate you as much as she did. I tried like hell, but I could never hate you.”

Jackie stirred her cocktail. “I tried to hate you, too. Sometimes I thought I did. But most of the time I knew as enraged as you made me, I couldn’t hate you. As a matter of fact, I’ve pretty much decided that I must still love you, ’cause there’s no logical reason why I should be sitting here with you right now.” The shock of her spontaneous admission created silence. Mortified, she stared at her drink.

“Look at me, Jackie.” As she looked up, Tony stared into her eyes. “I love you too.”

This is too intense
. “What do you mean
she
hated
me
? She doesn’t even know me!”

“Yeah, I know. But remember she only heard my side of the story. And I’ll admit it wasn’t flattering to you. Anyway you ended up being the biggest reason we’d fight. She was obsessed with you.”

“Great, just what I need, some obsessive lunatic girlfriend of an ex-boyfriend making revenge her goal.” Jackie rolled her eyes.

“Anyway, Jackie things are different now. I need to know my daughter. I want to make up for everything.”

Tears filled Jackie’s eyes. Through many lonely nights, she had fantasized hearing those words. Noticing a tear trickle down her cheek, Tony reached for her hand and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Jackie.”

Jackie’s voice was shaky. “Why don’t you start getting to know Gina by taking us to the farm on Sunday? That’ll take the pressure off both of you. You won’t be sitting around struggling to converse with a three-year-old.”

“Great, thanks so much Jackie. I won’t let you down this time. I won’t be just any daddy—I want to be the
best
daddy! Ready for dinner? I’m starving!”

As each perused the menu, she peeked over hers and caught Tony in the glow of the candlelit centerpiece. She acknowledged how much she had missed him.

“Tony, seeing you now, it seems as if no time has passed. Yet these past four years have been painful ones. I don’t want to make you feel guilty, but those years are a part of me.” Tears streamed down her cheeks, as she divulged the loneliness she’d experienced since he left.

“Jackie, I understand everything you’re saying and nothing surprises me. But why are you crying now?”

She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I think this is the first time since I became pregnant that I’ve allowed myself to truly feel
anything
.”

He put down his menu and took her hand in his. “I can’t excuse what I did. I can’t even explain it. It’s like I was a different person. I was scared, angry, and confused. I needed to run.” His voice cracked. “Jackie, I’m
so
sorry.”

“I know. Now I need to know what you want from me. I want to understand your intentions. I realize you want to have a relationship with Gina, and that’s great. But what about us?”

“Jackie, I’ve missed you so much. And I’ve always loved you. But I’m so scared that I’ll end up hurting you again.” He leaned back in the booth and sighed. “If I hurt you again, I swear I’ll kill myself.” Their eyes met. “I don’t understand what goes on between us. But I need another chance with you, if you’re willing.

They released each other’s hands as the waitress came to take their dinner order. “Tony, whatever you’re ordering, order two. I’ll eat whatever ends up in front of me.”

“You’re brave, Jackie.”

Jackie smiled.
That’s an understatement,
she thought, not referring to the meal.

“We’ll have two orders of chicken piccata, rice pilaf, and salad with creamy Italian dressing. An order of stuffed mushrooms for an appetizer. One Black Russian and a draft Michelob.”

He reached for her hand once again. “So where were we?”

“Talking about second chances.” She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “If you can believe that. But I have to give it another try if only for Gina’s sake.”

“Jackie, you’ve made me a happy man.”

The two left the restaurant with arms linked. “You know what amazes me about you the most?” Tony asked.

“Can’t say that I do.”

“That you never asked me to marry you.”

“Really? Why would I want someone to marry me out of need or desperation? What’s the point? You didn’t want to be there. Begging’s not my style.”

Tony walked her to her car and before she knew it, he swept her into his arms. He pressed firmly against her body and they kissed in the cold night air.

“Do you think you can handle the two of us?” Jackie asked.

“I’m gonna try like hell.”

A final kiss and they said good night. “Be careful going home,” Tony said before he shut her car door. “I’ll give you a call tomorrow to finalize details for Sunday.”

August 1981

“G
ina honey, guess what?”

“What Mama?”

“I have a wonderful surprise for you. Remember I told you about Tony Salvucci?” Jackie sat down on the carpet with her daughter and handed her a piece for the puzzle she was working on. “He wants to take you to the farm on Sunday. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

“Okay, Mama. You comin’ wif us?” Gina asked, struggling to connect the puzzle piece.

“Oh yes! Me, you, and Tony. I think you’ll like him. And we’ll see horses, cows, and pigs! Won’t that be fun?”

“Yep,” Gina replied, as if to appease her mother.

*

Sunday was warm and sunny, perfect for the day’s outing. Tony rang the doorbell and in response heard the clapping of little shoes running down the hall. Through the locked screen door, he caught the first glimpse of his three-year-old daughter charging down the hall in a second-hand navy-blue Polly Flinders dress, her loose dark brown curls bouncing with each step. She looked at him with steel-blue eyes that matched his. “Hi,” she said. Running back down the hall, she yelled, “Mama, Tuny’s here!”

Pulled down the hall by Gina, Jackie greeted Tony as she unlocked the screen door. “Come in.” She stooped to Gina’s eye level. “Honey, this is Tony Salvucci. Say hello.”

“I did aweady.”

“Alright. Go get your sweater; so we can go to the farm!”

While Gina retrieved her sweater, Tony captured Jackie and kissed her tenderly. Gina returned to see her parents standing side by side, arms crossed behind each other’s back. Jackie helped Gina into her sweater. “Come on, honey. Let’s go.” Jackie took her daughter’s hand.

Gina climbed into the car seat in the back seat of Tony’s Lincoln Town Car and gasped as she spotted a massive Winnie the Pooh buckled into the seat beside her. Her eyes opened wide with astonishment. “Mama! Yook what Tuny Saukki has in his car!”

“That’s for you Gina,” Tony explained.

“For me!” She snuggled with Winnie.

In contrast, Jackie was taken aback by Tony’s luxurious car and stifled the surge of resentment she felt for his ability to afford such lavishness, while she counted every penny.

Tony was a hit with Gina. In no time, Gina was being transported around the farm on Tony’s shoulders. With Gina sitting between her parents, the three rested on a bench. Gina’s feet swayed. “I’m hungwy, Tuny Saukki.”

“You are? Me too! How about getting some lunch?”

Gina clasped her hands to her heart. “I wuv wunch!”

Her parents laughed.

So, let’s do it,” Tony said, smiling at Jackie. Gina jumped off the bench and took Tony’s hand. He walked while she skipped all the way to the car and the three headed for a local restaurant.

Jackie and Tony sat on opposite sides of the table. Gina stood at the head of the table.

“Gina honey, sit down.”

“No dank you.” She remained fixed in her neutral spot.

Confused, Jackie looked at Tony and shrugged. “Gina honey, you have to sit down. You’re in the waitress’ way.”

“No dank you.”

Realizing Gina didn’t want to choose sides, Jackie said, “Honey, you can sit wherever you want. Here with me or over there with Tony. You pick.”

“Okay.” Gina looked at her mother, smiled, and then leaped onto Tony’s bench. Gina and her father ate their lunch and chatted, while Jackie observed with mixed emotions. She’d never had to share Gina, although she wanted to. She loved watching them. Yet it also aroused resentment.

On the ride home, Gina snuggled her new Winnie. “Tuny Saukki, when we get home you should come in my house. I want to show you my baby book ’cuz you didn’t know me when I was a baby. So I’ll show you my baby pictures, okay?”

Tony and Jackie glanced at each other in astonishment.

“Sure Gina. I’d like that,” Tony said

In the apartment, Gina instructed her father to sit on the living room floor as she retrieved the photo album. Seated beside him, she opened the album that was placed between both their laps and proceeded to share her short history. “This was me when I was born.” She turned the page. “Here’s my first birfday. You didn’t know me den, but we had a party. There’s Nana. You know her, wight?” She turned the page. “Here’s Uncle Paul and our cat Wiwis. He wan away.” She whispered, “I don’t fink he wiked Mama.” Tony let out a healthy laugh.

Jackie was at the stove waiting for the teapot to whistle when Tony leaned against the doorway. “You’ll never believe what she told me. She looked at me with those big blue eyes and said in that adorable voice, ‘I know you didn’t fink you wanted to be a daddy. But now you changed your mind and came back. Dat’s okay, you know,’” he mimicked. “She’s unbelievable!”

Jackie smiled. “True. You never know what she’ll come out with.”

After Gina was in bed, Tony and Jackie kissed good night. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Thanks for a remarkable day.”

Tony phoned before noon the following day. “Jackie, I can’t wipe the grin off my face! Biologically, we did a great job. But as a mother, you’ve done a phenomenal job. I’m impressed. I always knew you’d make a good mother. But in fact, you’re a fantastic mother!”

Jackie basked in the highest compliment she’d ever received.

*

Tony phoned daily. After Jackie spoke, Gina took her turn. On Sunday, Tony arrived with two bouquets of roses, red for Jackie, and pink for Gina. Jackie was stunned by his thoughtfulness. They spent the day at the Cove, a large park with a playground right next to the Charles River. Tony pushed Gina on the swings and guided her down the slides. Tony had brought bubbles for Gina and bread for the ducks. Gina chose bubbles for the first activity. Jackie enjoyed the warmth of the summer sun and watching the togetherness of father and daughter.

As Gina chased bubbles, Tony said, “She’s great, Jackie. Like I said, I’m impressed. I mean, having raised her alone and everything. You’re incredible. I sort of knew that before. But I
really
know it now. Ah, hell. Do you know what I mean?”

“Yeah, like a million other people, you underestimated me.” She sat up and stared at the ocean. “When I was pregnant, so many people, friends of my mother’s and some aunts, said, in what they thought were tactful ways, that I’d be a lousy mother. Now they’re all humbled.” She hesitated. “But I admit I’ve been blessed with a good kid. She was born with an understanding of people and particularly of me.”

“Jackie, you’re the reason Gina’s a great kid.” Tony sat down next to Jackie and put his arm around her shoulders.

“Parenting plays a huge role, but she was a pretty good package upon arrival. I don’t know. I just thank God she is who she is.