Once Broken (15 page)

“You’re really gonna have it?”

“Yup. Shocking, huh?”

“No, I guess it finally sank in. I want you to know that I’m having a hard time looking at myself in the mirror.”

“So, you
do
have a conscience?”

“Of course I do. Jackie, I’ve had a change of heart, sort of. I want you to know that I’ll help support the baby. If you need anything, let me know, okay?”

“If I need anything,” Jackie repeated, lying across her white eyelet comforter. “Tony, tell me something. Do you happen to know who’s been calling me asking for ‘Mommy’?”

Tony’s silence gave her the answer. “Oh my God, who is it?”

“Well, I just found out about this myself. Carmella found your number in my address book and decided to have fun with it.”

She sat upright. “You call that fun?”

“No.
She
does!”

“What is her freakin’ problem? Can’t she mind her own business?”

“She thinks you are her business. She says what affects me, affects her.”

“Tony, your new girlfriend is crazy. Keep her the hell away from me. If I get another call like that, I’ll file harassment charges. I don’t need this shit from your freaking ‘love element.’ You got that?” Her voice shook with rage.

“Jackie, I didn’t call to fight.”

Emotionally exhausted, Jackie settled on her bed and calmly repeated, “Just tell that lunatic to stay the hell away from me.”

“I already did. Listen Jackie, if you need anything, give me a call, okay?”

“Yeah,” Jackie responded, realizing the ludicrousness of the offer. “If I need anything,” she muttered as she hung up the phone.

November 1977

By the fifth month, Jackie’s prayers were being answered.

Miracle number one occurred when Jackie’s agency placed her as a temporary secretary with Joe Brandon, the Vice President of Customer Service at Honeywell. Joe was a good-natured, playful sort, and Jackie felt an immediate affinity for him.

By the third working day, Joe called Jackie into his office to offer her the permanent position as his full-time secretary. Adrenaline rushed as she feared that he wouldn’t hire her when he learned she was pregnant. While she considered how to tell him, Joe repeated his offer.

“Are you hesitating deliberately, Jackie? With health insurance, and considerable fringes, it’s quite a package with a fine employer.” Leaning back in his cushioned, burgundy leather chair, he put his arms behind his head. “Left you speechless, huh?”

On the other side of the large mahogany desk, Jackie sat straight and tall, hands folded on her lap. She stammered, “Well …um … I’d love the job, of course. But …” She blushed and squirmed in her chair. “But, I … oh …”

“What? You what?” Joe urged her to explain.

“Well, you should know that I’m …I’m …” Joe coaxed with a wave of his hand, signaling for her to continue. Jackie drew a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”

“Geez, that’s it? My wife’s had three babies! I thought you were going to say you strut your stuff in the combat zone in the evenings.” He guffawed. “So with that out of the way, do you want the job or what?”

“Well, sure!”

“Good then, do you have health insurance now?” Jackie shook her head. Joe pushed papers around his cluttered desk searching for personnel information. “This’ll be great for you. You get free health insurance effective the date of hire.”

“Won’t you have trouble getting this through personnel?” She guarded her hopeful heart.

“Don’t you worry about that. I need a secretary and as far as I’m concerned, I’ve found one.”

With a lump in her throat, she managed to say, “Thank you, Joe. This means so much to me.”

“Hey, you’re a great secretary! I enjoy working with you. It’s mutually beneficial,” he responded.

“What a godsend you are.” Jackie rose from her chair, tears of gratitude filling her eyes. Once out of Joe’s office, she pressed her hands together, gazed up and whispered a sincere thank you to Him.

*

Jackie started each work day by taking her pack of cigarettes and lighter out of her purse and depositing her purse in the bottom desk drawer. She’d light a cigarette and start her first project of the day. Joe typically came out of his office within the first half hour to say good morning and add to her workload. This particular morning, Joe had a different announcement.

“So Jackie, you know how it drives me crazy that you’re smoking while you’re pregnant?”

“I know. I feel guilty and I’m trying to quit.”

“Yeah, well, my wife and I were talking last night. We decided that I’m the spokesman for this unborn child and I’ve devised a plan to make you quit.”

“Really? What’s the plan?”

“Oh, never mind. I’m warning you though. Put out that cigarette and don’t light another.”

Jackie giggled and complied. An hour passed. She assumed Joe would be engrossed in work and lighting a cigarette would go unnoticed. So she did. Within moments, a water rifle stuck out of the door frame to his office, which was right in front of her desk. He squirted her, her cigarette, and her ashtray. She screamed. He came out of his office.

“So, that’s the plan. You light up. I drench you.” He turned to the other employees looking over the cubicles. “And, if anyone’s near you, I’ll get them too.”

She laughed hysterically. His plan worked. She was too afraid to light up at work. Not being able to smoke all day in the office, and being exhausted when she got home, made it easier to quit smoking.

*

Barbara became miracle number two. Week by week, Barbara injected Jackie with doses of reality that helped formulate a workable financial and emotional plan for single motherhood. Together they examined and planned alternatives. Working with Barbara let Jackie vent her anger about Tony’s abandonment and emotionally prepare for the journey on which she was about to embark.

Jackie worked hard all day and spent her leisure time sleeping off the emotional overload. Her sole enjoyment was babysitting Vic’s four-month-old daughter, Ashley. Ashley was a tangible reminder that Jackie needed to get through this difficult time. Sometimes Jackie was the only person who could comfort Ashley. Sometimes Ashley was the only one who could comfort Jackie. Some people speculated it was because they shared the same birthday. Jackie surmised that it was because Ashley was miracle number three.

December 1977

P
eople assume things when they see a pregnant woman, and feel free to inquire. In order to avoid embarrassment when strangers approached her, Jackie would play along. Yes, my husband and I are thrilled
.
This is indeed our first child
.
Oh, it
is
exciting
.
No, we don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, so long as it’s healthy
.
Each time she lied, her heart shivered from the cold.

*

By Christmastime, Jackie was five months pregnant. It was the first time she’d heard from Tony in months. Her conflicted heart dropped at the sound of his voice.

“I wanted to call and see how you’ve been.”

She was struck by the oddity of the question, but was too listless for combat. “Oh, I’ve been working. Honeywell hired me few months ago. My boss is a godsend.” She considered the ridiculousness of the conversation.
There’s nothing else worth discussing?

“That’s great, Jack, really.”

“Yeah, so what’s up with you?” She continued the charade.

“I’ve been depressed lately.”

“Really, why?” she asked, more a reflex than actual concern.
Maybe he’s sorry.

“Oh I’ll be thirty-one in a few months. I thought I’d be married with kids by now.”

Maybe he wants to get back together?

He continued. “Anyway, Luke screwed up with Rosa. She won’t talk to him. He doesn’t know what the hell to do. He’s asking everyone for ideas how to win her back. What do you think Jackie, any ideas?”

“Flowers are always a good place to start.”
Ah the ol’ a-friend-of-mine-needs-advice ploy.
After a lengthy conversation reminiscent of the old days, Jackie felt revitalized.
I wonder which approach he’ll use, flowers or some other creative advance?
A few days passed before she realized there would be no flowers, no apology, no reconciliation.

Following the initial disappointment, she mentally replayed the conversation.
Could it have been a game?
After spending a few weeks in simmering anger, she had to release her fury. She called him. When Tony answered the phone, Jackie said, “We need to talk, in person.”

“I don’t have time until maybe next week.”

“Not next week. Now. If you don’t come here, I’ll go to your house,”

“Fine, I’ll stop by your house Saturday morning.” Tony’s voice had turned to ice.

“Fine.” Jackie slammed down the receiver.

*

Tony arrived equipped with an attitude. Jackie was equally equipped.

“Let’s go for a drive.” She grabbed her oversized down jacket and led him out the door. As Tony put the key in the ignition, Jackie’s rage spewed. “You’re the poorest excuse for a man. I cannot believe your audacity! You call me,
me
of all people in all the world, to whine about being depressed because you’re turning thirty-one and you should be married with a couple of kids by now? Are you a complete moron? Or are you the most selfish bastard ever born? God! Didn’t you think for ten seconds who the hell you were talking to and how I might be feeling? What the hell? Do you know that after that phone call I sat around expecting damned flowers? I was stupid enough to believe that you were using Luke and Rosa as an example of us. But hell no, you were just babbling. It could’ve been anybody! It should’ve been anybody
but
me. You’re an insensitive prick!”

“Should I say thank you?”

“I swear to God if you spout one more sarcastic asshole comment, I’ll kill you with my bare hands.” She trembled with anger.

“Well, I have a side of the story too.” His eyes were stone cold.

“Oh, do tell!”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about this proposition of yours.” He glanced at her bulging midsection.

This is beyond a proposition, you fool.

“Do you realize how much money it’ll cost me over the next eighteen years? At $50.00 per week, it’s $43,200. That’s not including inflation or college.”

“Here’s a tip. Factor in college
and
inflation. But if you’re looking for sympathy you’ve got the wrong person. I’ve invested everything, my life, my future, in this baby. Somehow your end of the ‘proposition’ doesn’t seem so horrible. So, you’ll write a weekly check. To you, it’s another damned bill.”

Turning the corner onto her street, Jackie felt better than she had in months. As he pulled up to her house, she said, “Thanks, I needed that.”

Lucille and Jackie’s brothers waited for her in the living room, preparing to clean up the emotional wreckage. As Jackie glided through the living room humming, Vic glanced at Paul. “She’s tough. Should we have expected anything else?”

“Thank God for that,” Paul said.

*

Tara felt privileged when Jackie asked her to be the birthing coach. The married couples in the class, ready and able to support their child, made Jackie more nauseated than the pregnancy itself. The stress was overwhelming. She worried constantly about giving birth. The movies upset her. She fretted over the hospital stay, hoping she wouldn’t have to share her room with some doting new mom and dad. As the birth grew closer, she grew petrified. Tara, though a wonderful friend, was no replacement for a loving husband and father. Tara wasn’t there to help in the middle of the night when her legs cramped so tightly that she had to crawl to the bathroom for hot packs. No one comforted her when she tossed and turned the night away with worries of the future. The only blessing was that she hadn’t heard from Tony in months. She had a plethora of her own weaknesses to contend with.

January 1978

Anna called one January day, concerned about Jackie and the baby. “Oh dear, I’m sorry about the trouble we’re having. I hope you’re doing well.”

“Thank you Anna, I’m fine, we’re fine.”

“I’m so upset about this situation. I’ve looked forward to having grandchildren for so long. It’s such a shame that this is not a happy time.”

“I know.” Jackie didn’t know what else to say. “How’s Louie?”

“You know Louie, he’s so protective of Tony. He doesn’t want to hear anything about you or the baby, I’m sorry to say. But I can’t stop thinking of you. I want to do something for you. Can I buy the crib? Or is there something else you need?”

“That’s nice of you Anna. Let me get back to you on that.”

“Please keep in touch with me. I want to know how everything goes.”

“I will,” Jackie agreed.

*

In the seventh month of pregnancy, Tara lured Jackie to her surprise baby shower by asking her to dinner one Sunday. Jackie was stunned to see her mother, Karen, Ellen, her aunts and cousins, and her friends from work. She was astounded by their generosity. Tara’s mom made a quilt for the baby. Jackie and the baby received all the necessary practical items. Tara had picked up a crib from Anna. In addition, she received a chest of drawers, changing table, diapers, infant paraphernalia, and clothes. Gratitude and relief overwhelmed her.

*

Tony called Jackie at work during her eighth month of her pregnancy.

“How did you get this number,” Jackie demanded.

“It wasn’t difficult. I need to ask you something and it’s more convenient for me to call you during the day,” Tony replied.

“What do you want?”

“Well, I was wondering if you’d meet my fiancé because she feels uninvolved,” he said.

The absurdity of it made her gasp. It was the first time she’d heard Tony refer to Carmella as his “fiancée.” She had hoped it was a hoax.
While I’m feeling like a beached whale, he wants me to meet his deranged fiancée?

“As far as I’m concerned, Carmella is uninvolved. I don’t remember her being there that night. And forgive my lack of compassion. But if she’s having difficulty dealing with this, she’ll have to look elsewhere for solace. I have my own problems.”